Venting about parenting and giving it a score

We’re going to talk about MOM stuff today. You know, motherhood, children, babies, and all that kind of, dare I say, Mommy Blogger stuff.

Babies and Toddlers

First let’s all go way back to when our kids were babies. Some of you might even have babies, or will have babies in the future.

I saw a Pampers Diaper commercial recently that absolutely horrified me. Yes, and you’re right – not much horrifies a Vampire…but this did.

A small boy child toddler type is running in a full droopy diaper. Gross.

Then it shows a baby running in a Pampers Diaper. He isn’t all droopy butted. Yes his diaper is full of urine but he is happy. Gross and happy.

Alright, all of you moms out there, raise your hand if you would let your child walk around with half a gallon of pee in his pants because you know he was feeling dry and not drooping.

I want a diaper that keeps a child dry and does not leak. I don’t want to keep my child in that disgusting full diaper while the child happily plays – as the advertisement suggests.

I can’t even imagine leaving any child of mine in a diaper with pee, or heaven forbid, poop in it.

Dear Pampers Marketing Department,

A baby with a diaper full of pee is not cute. You are disgusting.

~ Juliette Kings aka Vampire Maman (parenting expert and internationally known parenting blogger)

Score: Pampers -10 for that one.


Nothing says GROW UP like being a PARENT

For parents of Middle School kids and Teens, please remember that YOUR bad behavior influences your kids. They see what you do and who you spend your time with, and I think you know where this is going.

I spent a lot of my youth in a total disaster zone, well not completely, but I made some bad choices. I am no longer making those choices. I am a parent. I am an adult. I have children.

Having a child, no matter your age, you financial circumstances, you education, or your paranormal affiliation, makes you an adult. If you have a child you are an adult, so act like one.

I don’t need to explain the party till you drop behavior, or hanging out with your stoner friends that go way back to high school, or being stupid, or bringing home man after man, or marrying some girl young enough to be your daughter, or doing all sorts of stupid selfish things. If you have children they come first. That is what adults do. Period.

It is your job to teach your children to be responsible adults one day. It is your responsibility to make sure you children are more successful and better adjusted than you ever were. It is your responsibility to make sure your children don’t make half the mistakes you do. Sure they’ll make mistakes, but don’t teach then by example how to do it. For God’s sake be a good example.

Score: Adults 10, Acting Like Kids -10


Helicopters Do Not Belong Around Your Kids. They’ll Get Caught in The Blades.

I’m joined to the hip with my kids. We’re close. We’re scary close. BUT I am the parent. And like I’ve said, my job is to prepare my children for adulthood. That does not mean calling the school all the time and micromanaging my high school and college aged children. They need to learn to work out problems on their own.

Parenting is like war. You only bring out the big guns when things are serious. Otherwise be peaceful. Let your kids learn how to figure out their problems.

Your job is to talk to them and help them figure it out. Don’t always just throw advice out – spend time listening to them. Then give them the tools THEY need to take care of the problems. Your job is to drive them to the hospital if they get hurt. Your job is to give out hugs. Your job is to teach them to be adults and solve their own problems.

Yes, if there is a major problem like horrible bullies, sexual predators, violence, bigotry, and other vile matters, by all means be the total wolf mother and step in. But for the everyday crap, stand back and let your kid handle it. Be there for back-up. Be the pit crew. Be the coach.

And whatever you do, don’t be that parent who stands up at school meetings and asks questions just to show everyone how brilliant YOU think YOUR CHILD is. It is so unflattering and does a disservice to your child.

And never go up to the high school office and yell about stupid small stuff because every single teacher and kid in the school will hear about it.

Remember, none of us exists at the center of the universe, especially you and your child.

Score: Rational Parents 10, Helicopter Parents 3.5



In the meantime teach your kids not to be an old judgmental, grumpy, obnoxious, and worked up Vampires like me.

I’m working as a polling clerk in tomorrow’s election so I’ll be back on Wednesday. If you’re in a voting state on June 7 make sure you vote (and vote often HA HA HA). But seriously vote, and the nice people at your polling place will give you a sticker. I bet they’ll give your kid a sticker too.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman











Go Throw Your Fit Somewhere Else

The other day I was out in public with a friend. I was wearing heels, something I haven’t done for a while, and I tripped down a couple of steps, and fell. Yes, Vampires do fall occasionally just like everyone else. I also cut my left hand. Towels were brought out and everyone commented first on the lack of blood for such a deep cut. Then they commented on the fact that I was so calm.

As a child I didn’t cry much. Maybe to get my elder brother’s off of my back, or just away from me. Screaming also did the trick. I could scream like no other. But the screaming was reserved only for my brothers, and only when absolutely necessary. None of us, even the more sensitive of my siblings (they know who they are) threw fits. We’d argue, but nobody ever threw a tantrum. Nobody ever cried in public or threw fits.

I remember how the three of us younger children, my brothers Aaron, Val, and I would look on in shock and horror at screaming badly behaved children.

I’ve got a baby in the house. Now a Vampire baby, but a canine baby. It made me think of when I had my own babies, toddlers, and small children.

When I was the mother of tiny tots I let them know that screaming, temper tantrums, fits, crying over nothing, and whining was no acceptable. At an early age I sat them down and told them NO. They didn’t like it due to the fact that they were extremely active children and opinionated, even at an early age, but I had to put a stop to all signs of them being brats.

At an early age I also told them that when they were in public, or at the home of a friend, that they had to behave better than they’d behave at home.

The fact that my wee children didn’t eat refried beans at the home of a school friend caused the mother to loudly and quiet angrily accuse my children being picky eaters.   My children didn’t act rude, they just said they didn’t like smashed beans. They were polite about it. And one also made a toilet joke later in the day. All five-year olds make toilet jokes. The mother heard on a baby monitor in her child’s room. Really? It wasn’t like he was dropping F bombs. I said that my children ate sushi and salsa and shellfish. Of course I didn’t tell her that they drank blood and might check for small puncture wounds on her children’s wrists. Oh that would have been too easy. Needless to say we didn’t go over there again.

One day all of the children at the preschool put rocks up their noses. Kids do that. If they were brats they would have been throwing rocks. We don’t throw rocks. OK we don’t put rocks up our noses either, but that is a different kind of conversation.

Like the girl in that slightly boring Cinderella movie said, “Be kind.”

Even as a paranormal being one must be kind. And as part of the group who call ourselves human beings we must always try to be kind. Unfortunately some people forget to teach that to their children.

Putting a rock up one’s nose is stupid behavior – that we laugh about now.

Throwing a rock is bad behavior – that we NEVER laugh about later.

I’m also thinking about babies and all of the political mess now. There is a lot of name calling, rock throwing, and men, who I’m sure were brats who stomped and yelled to get their way, wanting to decide our fate, or the fate of the land in which we live. Oh how I want to slap some of their mothers for not making them behave. That seems to be a pattern all over the world with men (and a few women) who wish to rule.

As we get older there are fewer brats and tantrum throwers, but I still occasionally hear stories from college and high school about children and young adults who haven’t grown out of their bad toddler behavior. Unfortunately there are adults who never grow out of it. They become workplace bullies, politicians, and volunteer moms at school (and Middle School PE Teachers.)

Another thing to teach children is to be proud of what they do, but also be proud of others. Don’t covet what others have or do. There will always be someone who will be smarter, or better looking, or faster, or whatever. Don’t throw a fit. Everyone has their own good qualities that make them unique.

If you know you’re unique and comfortable in your own skin then none of that matters. If you’re happy with yourself and at peace with that, you don’t have the desire to be cruel to others. For those who are cruel, might act as if they are happy, but they aren’t. Cruelty is a form of insecurity that masks itself as self-confidence. The same goes for bigotry.

I frequently get asked questions about my relationships with those who are different than I am. I say relationships, because I do have friends who aren’t like me. That is ok.

As long as we all know how to behave than we can celebrate who we are together.

But if you’re going to scream, cry, stomp, yell, call names, and throw rocks, you aren’t going to be invited to play at my house anymore.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Vampire mom





Why Parents Drink

vm man of the future


This morning I was talking with a friend discussing all of the crazy things little toddler children do.

They stick rocks the size of marbles up their tiny little noses. They wrap strings around their fingers until their fingers turn red, then white, then blue. They wrap curtain and blind cords around their tiny necks and then laugh about it. They run out into the street in front of trucks that are going way too fast. They run when you tell them not to and then they tumble down steep grades on asphalt taking all of the skin off of their knees. They slip on pieces of paper you told them to pick up and knock out their teeth. They squeeze cats. They backwash in every drink you try to enjoy. They lick the dog. They whack you in the face for no apparent reason. They throw things. They put mysterious things down toilets. They cut their own hair. They pour expensive perfume down the sink. They feed the fish the entire container of fish food all at the same time. They take the fish out of the tank to pet them. Some of them put everything not locked down or glued down into their tiny mouths, even if it tastes vile. They eat spoons full of salt. They projectile vomit on expensive suits and silk ties. They find Sharpies and draw on EVERYTHING. They yell things in public like, “DON’T HIT ME.” Sometimes they yell things like, “WHY DO YOU HAVE HAIR ON YOUR BUTT?” Or “YOUR BRA IS REALLY BIG.”

Then they giggle and laugh and give you a slobbery kiss. Then they say, “I love you.” This is why we don’t eat our young. On the other hand, this is why we drink. This is why we don’t have enough sex with the other parent. This is why we crave alone time with books after everyone in the house is asleep.

It is a good thing they are so cute. It is a really good thing.

This is why I love teens. Yes, it is worth the wait. You’ll get through it.

Juliette aka Vampire Maman


vm darling girl


Play Joey for me

When my kids were toddlers my husband would play The Ramones “I wanna be sedated” at full volume and they’d all dance around the house.

My two year old daughter would tug at her daddy and demand “Play Joey for me.”

When I heard the news today that Tommy Ramone has passed on to the big music studio in the sky my heart sank. Thank you Ramones – all of you for doing anything but keeping us from being sedated. We love you all and we will never forget you.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




“I Wanna Be Sedated”

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers I can’t control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go….
Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t control my fingers I can’t control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-o I wanna be sedated
Just put me in a wheelchair get me to the show
Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco
I can’t control my fingers I can’t control my toes
Oh no no no no no
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go…
Just put me in a wheelchair…
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated