If my husband took off his glasses and then put on tights and a cape, and changed the part in his hair I would still know it was him.

If while doing a late night walk-of-shame I lost my shoe, I wouldn’t want the guy who can’t seem to remember my face to go looking for me. Dude you need to sober up and face reality.

It is exceptionally creepy if you’re asleep and a stranger stumbles by and kisses you.

If you try to kill a 60 foot long animal while sitting in a small wooden boat accept the consequences.

Politicians are not allowed in my house, especially at the dining table.

Having an affair with a brooding photographer while your husband and kids are out of town is not cool or romantic.

Vampires who let blood drip down their chins are the same as regular people with exceptionally bad table manners.

Baby goats will always be cute.

Characters who don’t talk to each other and are constantly confused by the obvious don’t make for a good story.

njgv is what the cat just wrote while walking over the keyboard.

Stay safe. Stay warm. Wear a mask. Get vaccinated if you are able to. Talk to your kids. Be kind. Check in on those who might be alone or need extra help.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Everything will be ok, even when it isn’t.

I had coffee this morning with my brother Aaron at a Starbuck’s by his office. Being the nocturnal creatures we are, coffee is as necessary as blood and water and air.

He wanted to talk about our brother Andrew. We have three brothers, Andrew being the second and Aaron the third in the order of the five siblings. Anyway, Andy has issues. Andy is the one who has to be bailed out of emotional issues over and over and over.

Last week Andy got off the phone with a woman he is in love with. I can’t even call her his girlfriend. He must be a curiosity to her with his long hair and savant like musical talents. He can be like a light summer breeze and then turn around and be so intense and demanding that it can scare even other Vampires (and she isn’t a Vampire, just a regular woman, go figure she likes him.)

Andy told me that his friend found out she was cancer free for five years. She was still worried. He told her “everything will be fine.” He didn’t have a single qualifying fact in the case but he told her what they both wanted to hear.

In reality he was worried. I told him that she’d be fine. I told him that she was a survivor. I told him that she must love him. I was just saying those things to make him feel good. The last one was a lie because I knew, from what I know, that she must think he is crazy or at least a little off. To be honest I don’t even know the woman. I just know what I’ve been told and what I’ve looked up online about her (yes, I was a creeper. We all do it.) And if she does love him then the woman is a wonderful unique spirit – but unique spirits like that don’t come around very often – maybe once every thousand years.

So this morning I’m having coffee with Aaron. I’d gotten the kids off to school and checked on Andy who’d gone to bed at the first crack of dawn. The cats, who normally hate each other were curled up on the bed with him. Odd how creatures react to him that way. Like I said, Andy is special in more ways than one.

So, again, I’m having coffee with Aaron and he starts to talk about how worried he is about Andy. He talks of Andy’s new romance or his illusions of romance. He talks of Andy staying with me and how my kids will react (they love their Uncle Andy). Aaron worries about his brother who is too trusting. He worries about Andrew when he gets involved with weird people and everything always ends up out of control. You know how it is. We all have someone like Andy in our lives.

I touched Aaron’s hand, Aaron my serious brother, who always seems so stoic but seriously worries about everyone, and I said “Andy will be fine. Don’t worry about him.”

That was a lie and we both knew it. Everything won’t be fine. But sometimes when things aren’t fine, we’re fine in the way we care for others and the way we deal with it.

And sometimes, like the urgent need for coffee, we say everything is fine because we need to hear it. With any luck it just might turn into one of those lies that turns into the truth. We can only hope so.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman







Click here for real lies: Lost Keys and Lies