The Ghost of Pumpkin Spice

“I never had a computer, or pumpkin spice lattes, or a cell phone. I had a VCR for about a year. I had a French Press. I’d get coffee beans from the Farmer’s Market. There was a little booth with a zillion spices and about thirty flavors of coffee.”

“They’re still there. I think the gal there has been selling spices since she was a teenager, maybe forty years now.”

“Wow. Remember the Mexican bakery?”

“I’m a Vampire. I don’t eat pastries.”

“Well, you eat other things besides blood. I know that.”

“The olive guy. There was a guy who sold olives and pickles.”

“You eat olives?”

“Sure. I eat most green things.”


“I love artichokes.”

“Green beans?”

“Sure. Not a lot but you know, sometimes.”

“I can’t imagine Dracula eating green beans.”

“Dracula is a fictional character. In fiction the only time people eat green beans is when they snap them with their grandma. I doubt if Dracula snapped beans with his grandma.”

Nigel the Ghost held a hot mug of coffee laced with cinnamon. He put his head down and closed his eyes. “I miss coffee.”

“You can always get it here,” I said.

“It isn’t the same when you can’t drink it. Shit, I haven’t had a real cup of coffee in thirty two years.”

He brushed his black hair out of his eyes, then smiled.

“What?” I asked.

“I’ve been dead longer than I was alive.”

“So you’ve told me.”

I sat across from the Ghost, his black hair shaggy around his face, a black tie, and white shirt with the sleeves rolled up today. He’d hidden the gash in his head and the blood on his pale face. His eyes flickered from the coffee to me.

He cleared his throat, not because he needed to but for dramatic effect. “I might be a ghost but I’m not completely dead.”

“You’re never completely dead as long as someone stills loves you.”

“I can feel it but unfortunately I can’t see them. Well, I can’t see most of them. I don’t know how to get to them. You know the limits of my territory is out of my control.”

“So you’re stuck with me.”

“Stuck with a Vampire. Who would have thought.”

“Want me to heat that coffee up.”

“Sure, and add some nutmeg to it. Pumpkin Spice.” Then he winked and gave me a rare smile. “You know this is weird.”

“Not for us.”

Then he put his head back and laughed. I just sipped my own coffee and then put his cup in the microwave, because that is what friends do, even if they’re Vampires or Ghosts.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Coffee with Vampires and Ghosts

A conversations over coffee and musings about the lives of others (or don’t trade in your soul because you can’t get it back.)


Coffee with Vampires and Ghosts

A conversations over coffee and musings about the lives of others.

This morning I met for coffee with my brother’s friend James.

James is one of those people I find extremely obnoxious, but we have a connections through my brother Andy and through some shared experiences. We all have friends like James.

When he isn’t just hanging out with old friends, James is a psychiatrist to some pretty well known individuals. He is good at giving people ways to find normalcy in their lives. That is their normal. Everyone has his or her own normal, they just have to find it. The same goes with inner peace and contentment. James gives his patients the tools and teaches them how to use those tools to keep healthy.

As I drove to his house, through one of the more exclusive neighborhoods in the city (East Sacramento), I passed a home I’d once been in, years ago. The house belonged to a wealthy man. I’m talking insanely wealthy. A friend of mine was his executive assistant.

I was there for a party. He was lovely and friendly. I’d met him before and he remembered me. My friend adored him. He was a good man.

Unfortunately his ex-wife, his narcissistic daughter, and his psychiatrist only saw dollar signs. They poisoned him with their demands and their bad advise. It was never about him. People who cared couldn’t get through to him. The women took and took from him, stabbing out pieces of his soul until one day he killed himself.

“There is a special place in Hell for them. No, really, Jewels, the reservations have been made,” James told me as he poured me a second cup of coffee in his well-appointed kitchen.

I believed James, because like me, he is a Vampire. He lives with one foot in death’s door at times. He knows what it is like to grab up your own soul and hold it tight. For unlike Regular Humans, Vampires can’t give away or trade our souls, but sometimes there are those who try to come up from the depths of Hell and steal them away.

“And to think,” I said, “people call us ghouls.”

“They’re such hypocrites,” said James.

We had more coffee and talked about our friends, our work and books we’d read over the summer. I looked around the beautiful kitchen. Too bad not much cooking happened in it. Most Vampires don’t cook much. We do, but not much. I don’t need to explain why.

James made a lame joke about cooking and I laughed. Then he smiled with a sexy bit of fang and said, “Let’s go upstairs and fuck.”

I smiled back. “You know I’m married.” Yes, that is the reason I don’t see much of James.

“Right, you’re married to the most handsome Vampire in the world, but come down to the dark side with me this morning. Nobody will ever know. Mix it up a little.”

“Oh James,” I said, “even if I was single I’d have to say no. It isn’t going to happen. But thank you for the coffee. It was delightful.”

“At least I can try,” he said taking my hand and kissing it.

Now I’m home, taking a break from my work, sharing my morning. I’m also wondering if anyone is mourning still for the lovely man who was driven to his death by demons who took the form of friends and family.

I look at my old dog sleeping on the cool tile by my feet. I hear a hawk outside. It is a calm space where demons are not allowed. I will not let them in.

Close the door if they knock, even if they look like someone you know.

Beware those who have already traded in their souls at the expense of others.

OK everyone, have a nice day.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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I’m on the road with my handsome husband and beautiful daughter this week touring one of the colleges by the ocean in Southern California. Yes, this is the parenting part. So anyway, this is a repost from August 2015. Thanks for dropping by. I’ll tell you all about it soon.

Why don’t you blog about me anymore? And other things my kids and I talked about including V-Steams.

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Garrett just turned 22 last month and is in his final year of college at the big university right on the ocean. Final year of undergraduate work that is. He is still living with his best buddy Randy.

When I spoke with him yesterday he said, “You never blog about me. I talk to you every day. Almost every day. I text you all the time.”

I’m learning how to transition from minor children to adult children.

So I said to my son, “You told me that what I wrote about you was embarrassing. Maybe I’ll just write about Randy.*”

*Garrett’s best friend Randy. Randy wears plaid pants and other creative vintage clothing. Randy looks like a cross between a young David Lee Roth and Chris Evans. Randy is pretty goofy. Girls like Randy a lot.

The last time I spoke with Randy, a couple of weeks ago, he was telling me about some discussions he’d been having in one of his classes about free will, choice, and what we choose to believe. Somehow the discussion of things we can’t prove like honest politicians, and other cryptozoological beings came up.


He’d sent me a funny Sasquatch meme. I told him that it got that ass from doing squats. That is why it is really called a Sas-squat.

But seriously, for as long as I can remember there have been stories of Bigfoots aka Sasquatches and the likes. So often people claim to have seen a body of one. I was flipping through the TV channels the other night (Vampires and others are known to do that) and say some guy who’d claimed to have shot a Bigfoot. He said it looked at him before it died. It had whites in it’s eyes just like us. It was small so he could have carried it to his car, but he didn’t. The man claimed because he was on National Park land he was afraid he’d get in trouble.

Really? Dude you shot a BIGFOOT.  A BIGFOOT.

If I found a live Bigfoot (Sasquatch) or even a body or a body part, HELL YEAH I’d take it. Are you kidding? I wouldn’t think twice. I don’t care if I found it in the forest or on the steps of the California State Capitol building. The first thing I’d do it take it over to the UC Davis Vet School and say “HEY, take a look at this!”

I would not advise doing the same if you found a Vampire or Werewolf. I’d advise you back away slowly then RUN as fast as you can.

That night I was hanging out with my husband Teddy and Clara. Clara is 18, in college, and still at home until she transfers to a university by the ocean.

The subject of businesses near my husband’s came up, specifically spas.

My husband and child said they thought I should open a spa called V and next door have a spa for house cats called “The Pampered Pussy.” Then they almost laughed until they were practically falling off of their chairs.

What brought this up? There are spas where you can get your Yoni steamed. Yes, steamed. It will cure everything from unhappy crotch syndrome, tension, Scrophularia, and give you an elevated sense of well being among other things.

It is called a V-Steam. V stands for vagina, or Yoni, or cootch, or Vajayjay, but we prefer vagina in Vampire Land.

Why have women started to call their vagina Yoni? Because they’re cute and musical? Maybe. You never know.


At these spas you sit on a chair that looks like an old fashioned potty seat, spread your legs and get your parts steamed. WTF?


My husband suggested that someone would be in the background playing a harp. He hates harp music.

I said a saxophone. We all laughed then Clara suggested Kenny G. Then I thought of Yanni. Why not? Steam your Yoni to Yanni.

Holy shit. They have group parties too. Yes, you can get steamed with all of your friends, drink wine, and even paint a pretty picture at the same time.


Invite all your friends. It will be fun.

Then the subject of the show Naked and Afraid came up. Bugs and bug bites. Say no more. Nobody, not even the most hardened Vampire wants bugs near their Yoni, not even Kenny G.

We tried to avoid politics. It is just so frustrating. However, I was called up to be a poll worker again for the next election. I show up and after my training know more about the voting system than 99% of people who are running for or currently in office.

Aside from my husband who is in a slightly different mindset than most of us I do not with good things upon a lot of people in Washington D.C.

You know who I’m thinking about. Nasty horrible people who lie, cheat, steal, embrace ignorance, celebrate bigotry, and use religion as a tool of hate and control. You know who I’m talking about. Bitter men born before 1976 who act like they were born before 1876. Rat bastards of the worst kind.

We heard rumor that the cast of What We Do In The Shadows might be having a show on FX. I love that movie. It is absolutely adorable. It is as cute as Vlad (Vampire Diary.)

I usually really don’t care for most Vampire movies. They tend to be seriously bad and boring and stupid. But it makes for great drinking games.  BUT there are exceptions. Don’t hate on me. Most Werewolf movies are even worse than Vampire or Ghost movies. I’m sorry Werewolves. We still love you out of the movies (sometimes, don’t let it go to your heads because you’re still assholes.)


But back to Garrett…

We talked a lot about his girlfriend, and his classes, and how he wishes he had a dog but won’t get one until he is more settled down. He told me about surfing at night. He told me about finding red starfish in a tide pool. He told me about a book he’d read called “You Can’t Go Home Again.”

That is a thought that no parent wants to hear concerning their own child.

We also talked about The East Area Rapist, also known as the Golden State Killer. He was found maybe six miles from my home. Back in the 1970’s he raped women in their homes a few blocks from where I live now. I lived near there at the time. I’m glad they found him. He’ll rot in Hell for sure.

In Northern California we seem to have our share of serial killers. Sometimes it seems like more than our share. Then again I hear of all of the weird deaths in places like rural Nebraska and the swamps of Louisiana. Things are weird. There are horror stories and then there is real life. It is a fine line between the two. Truth is often stranger and more horrific than fiction.

Anyway, Garrett just texted me again and I have to go.

Love your children. Talk to them. And even when they’re grown they’re still your babies. They’ll always be yours. Listen, love, learn, and always be their heart and soul.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman






Women are funny

My brother Valentine (Val) is one of the “go to” guys for romantic advice for the single Vampire guys in our area. One evening not long ago, while visiting the Ancient Vampires Tellias and Eleora I overheard his discussing women with our friend Matthew.

Matthew, a widower with a teenage son, used to be what we call a “Shadow Creeper,” That is an old fashioned brooding Vampire who lives in the shadows and stopped their clocks in the 19th century. The world is not kind to them and life brings little joy to them. With a small child to raise Matthew decided to join the world of Modern Vampires. It has been an adjustment needless to say.

Valentine: Women are funny.

Matthew: Funny? What do you mean by funny?

Valentine: They have a good sense of humor. They laugh out loud, The tell jokes and make bad puns. It is so cute.

Tellias: Don’t look for coy Matthew or you’ll spend the next 200 years alone.

Matthew looked slightly uncomfortable. “I’m not used to them being so open. There are no formal introductions or rules. It is as if they feel they run the world.

Valentine: They do rule the world.

Tellias: They’ve worked hard to rule the world. But let me tell you something Matthew. Women have worked hard for what they have. They’ve risked their lives and reputations. All the while they’ve taken care of us and of their children…and they take care of those who can’t care for themselves. So if they laugh a little or flirt with an attractive Vampire then let them. Enjoy their forwardness. Savor it.

Valentine: Matthew, aside from eye contact and good hygiene women want a sense of humor. They want a guy who laughs with them, not at them. They want someone who makes them smile. You don’t need to show your fangs.

Tellias: Don’t show your fangs. Never show your fangs.

Valentine: We can talk all night but what you need to do is get out there and just talk to women. Not as a romantic partner but just as friends. Get some practice. There isn’t any hurry.

I listened at the three male Vampires talked about relationships. It wasn’t anything earth shattering or unique. Just three friends, talking about women. Three men who just happen to be Vampires.

Tellias has been with his true love Eleora for 2,000 years. Val has been single but with a healthy appreciation of women. Needless to say he never has to spend a night alone. And with any luck, Matthew will find his way and his heart.

Click here for: Uncle Val’s Advice about Women (for Vampires and everyone else)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Everything will be ok, even when it isn’t.

I had coffee this morning with my brother Aaron at a Starbuck’s by his office. Being the nocturnal creatures we are, coffee is as necessary as blood and water and air.

He wanted to talk about our brother Andrew. We have three brothers, Andrew being the second and Aaron the third in the order of the five siblings. Anyway, Andy has issues. Andy is the one who has to be bailed out of emotional issues over and over and over.

Last week Andy got off the phone with a woman he is in love with. I can’t even call her his girlfriend. He must be a curiosity to her with his long hair and savant like musical talents. He can be like a light summer breeze and then turn around and be so intense and demanding that it can scare even other Vampires (and she isn’t a Vampire, just a regular woman, go figure she likes him.)

Andy told me that his friend found out she was cancer free for five years. She was still worried. He told her “everything will be fine.” He didn’t have a single qualifying fact in the case but he told her what they both wanted to hear.

In reality he was worried. I told him that she’d be fine. I told him that she was a survivor. I told him that she must love him. I was just saying those things to make him feel good. The last one was a lie because I knew, from what I know, that she must think he is crazy or at least a little off. To be honest I don’t even know the woman. I just know what I’ve been told and what I’ve looked up online about her (yes, I was a creeper. We all do it.) And if she does love him then the woman is a wonderful unique spirit – but unique spirits like that don’t come around very often – maybe once every thousand years.

So this morning I’m having coffee with Aaron. I’d gotten the kids off to school and checked on Andy who’d gone to bed at the first crack of dawn. The cats, who normally hate each other were curled up on the bed with him. Odd how creatures react to him that way. Like I said, Andy is special in more ways than one.

So, again, I’m having coffee with Aaron and he starts to talk about how worried he is about Andy. He talks of Andy’s new romance or his illusions of romance. He talks of Andy staying with me and how my kids will react (they love their Uncle Andy). Aaron worries about his brother who is too trusting. He worries about Andrew when he gets involved with weird people and everything always ends up out of control. You know how it is. We all have someone like Andy in our lives.

I touched Aaron’s hand, Aaron my serious brother, who always seems so stoic but seriously worries about everyone, and I said “Andy will be fine. Don’t worry about him.”

That was a lie and we both knew it. Everything won’t be fine. But sometimes when things aren’t fine, we’re fine in the way we care for others and the way we deal with it.

And sometimes, like the urgent need for coffee, we say everything is fine because we need to hear it. With any luck it just might turn into one of those lies that turns into the truth. We can only hope so.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman







Click here for real lies: Lost Keys and Lies

Now What? Musings of a Modern Vampire Mom

night driveLast night my daughter and I returned home after a week-long road trip in the American Southwest. As we hit the California border it was like the entire world changed. Not that we don’t adore the great states of Arizona, Nevada (ok not all of Nevada but more on that later) and New Mexico.

Right after we hit the town of Truckee, CA we got out of the car and took in a deep breath of mountain air. The Sierra Nevada Mountain range means home for us, as do the rolling oak forests just down the hill where we live. But back to the woods – we could smell the pines so fresh and wonderful. The sky was full of a zillion stars.  A wonderful end to a wonderful trip.

We talked about a lot of things on our long trip, my daughter and I. Oxymorons was one subject she likes to talk about. Her latest is “Adult Male”. Makes sense considering her dad always tells her to remember those three little words “boys are stupid.”

So now what. I managed to blog a little on the trip. I manage to blog a little bit all the time. But now what? I feel as if I’ve lost my edge or gone on a different edge than I expected or completely gone over the edge with my blog.

This year I celebrated a year of blogging. This started out as a little blog I could put a half a dozen funny posts on. Then it became something more. I still don’t know what.

But lately, due to unforeseen weirdness, I feel like I’m floundering to get out my tall tales of kids, friends, family (all Vampires of course) and other things that concern the Vampire parent and others in our circle (even regular humans). I feel so listless.

All writers go through this, as well as artists (for I am an artist by trade.)

So what now? Back-to-school, cats, taking care of elders, concerns of Modern Vampires, the Vampire Ball…time will tell.

I heard on the radio that this is a good year for wine grapes. I like wine.

I also know this will be a good year for kids – for my kids and their friends (Vampire, Werewolf and Regular Humans,)

Oh right, for those of you who are new here, this is Musings of a Modern Vampire Mom. But please, I want you to stick around too if you’re not a Modern Vampire.

While driving for hours on end I thought of creative projects, of posts, of ideas I’d like to share with you. With any luck I’ll be able to do everything I thought of.

I’d also like to read more blogs from others – something I love to do but have not had enough time lately to do (or had computer issues which need to be fixed so I can view what I want to see in a timely manner. I’m a Vampire not a computer expert.)

So today I will check in on the Elders and spend the day with my children (who are now in back-to-school mode in a big way) and unwind. I don’t even want to think about checking my email (back to work tomorrow).

The days are hot but the nights are cool this time of year. Perfect for nocturnal creatures of all kinds and perfect for refreshing the heart and soul and creative spirit – especially if you’re a Vampire Maman.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


Vampire Maman