Dear Vampire Troll, Get the Hell Outta Here

If you have a blog you’ll get weird messages from weird people. If you blog about Vampires you’ll get exceptionally weird messages. You’ll have more WTF moments than you EVER thought you’d get in a hundred years.

I recently received another one of THESE:

I turn to a vampire any time i want to. i become a vampire because of how people treat me, this world is a wicked world and not fair to any body. at the snack of my finger things are made happened. am now a powerful man and no one step on me without an apology goes free. i turn to human being also at any time i want to. and am one of the most dreaded man in my country. i become a vampire through the help of my friend who introduce me into a vampire kingdom by given me their email. if you want to become a powerful vampire kindly contact the vampire kingdom on their email

Following this lovely message was an email address.

Hey, Internet spamming trolls, or weird Vampire wanna-bees, don’t leave me this shit. You know who you are. I’ll delete it. I’ll have a low opinion for you that only someone who lives for centuries can have. You’re a troll. A TROLL. Get the Hell outta here. And while you’re at it leave my friends alone too.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

From the edge of the deep end.

As you can see (if you really care) I’ve been behind on my blogging duties. The regular Thursday feature Ask Juliette will be posted later today as an irregular Friday feature. If anyone is reading Girl in the Woods you’ll have to wait until later today, or maybe next week, for the latest unedited rambling installment.

I haven’t been reading much of anything either. That includes blog posts, books, mail… we even skipped our anniversary and stayed home and more or less did nothing. Today, I swear, I will start reading the book my neighbor wrote. I have a paperback edition. Looks like a great series.

Yesterday I was at the DMV trying to figure out why a truck I don’t own was registered in my name at my old address. I also need to find out who the person is who keeps getting tickets that I am now expected to pay for. So today I’ll be on the phone with DMV investigations – the first I’m sure of many many many phone calls. I should have said I HOPE I will be on the phone with the DMP investigations office. I’ve already called five times this morning and haven’t so much reached a voice mail box. I can just see a windowless office with two old fashioned black dial phones and two beleaguered state analysts who are counting the minutes until the weekend starts, and wondering why their budget was cut.

I’d like to say that I could just do some paranormal shit and take care of it all but come on folks, this isn’t the 19th Century anymore. Things are complicated. Complicated enough for me to even forego my usual stream of fucks and other related bad words and calmly take care of the problem like an expert zen master. I have no more fucks to give.

That is only one of many piles of shit that keep hitting my fan lately.

But there is a bright side to the piles of shit…the thirty five pound puppy (born 12/29/15) is almost house broken. She has only pooped three times in the house since Monday.  Now the big training issues are come, stay, don’t chase the cats, and don’t drag tree branches into the house.

So my brother Max stopped by last night to stay a day or two. This is added to the fact that I’d already pissed off my husband Teddy for the hundredth time this week so he was in a bad mood. I sent Max upstairs to Teddy’s office where they talked politics, cars, and the general apathy among urban Vampires.

When you live on the edge of several worlds it isn’t too hard to feel like you’re going to lose your footing and fall at any moment.

I just looked out the window and I’m happy to say I only see squirrels, birds, and a calico cat. No Ghosts or Goblins thank goodness. Seriously, I kid you not, I have to deal with those asshats. Don’t wish you could become a Vampire unless you want to have even MORE idiots in your life.

People just don’t get it. They think everything in world of the undead is all romantic and mysterious. Mysterious yes, because I don’t know what the fuck is going on most of the time lately. Romantic? That is on the back burner. I’m still stirring it up sometimes, but… anyway, I’m going off the deep end here. Actually I’m just looking down into the deep end.

My old friend, the famous Vampire poet Enrico Moretti, once told me, “Juliette, you must stop and gather your thoughts and senses, like roses, fragrant, yet covered with thorns.”

Yes, that could have been one of those WTF moments, but when a five hundred year old Vampire tells you something in a voice that could both melt wax and freeze just about anything, you tend to listen politely. You also tend to remember it, archive it, and bring it out later when you think you might need it.

I can hear Max grunting something and pouring a cup of coffee and digging in the refrigerator for blood to add to it. I yelled at him to look behind the milk.

Today I will gather my thoughts and senses. Walk the dog. Call the DMV again. Yell at the dog for chasing the cats. And maybe step back from the edge of the deep end.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman