Vampire Diary: Resolutions

Dear Diary,

I do not understand all of this talk about resolutions. I am already doing every task I need to do. Why should I proclaim in public my short comings and lack of decisiveness?

My love Gillian told me that it would be fun to make resolutions. She said I would feel more modern. Fun? Bah. Writing such things is not fun. Chasing down Vampire Hunters in the forest on horseback and ramming them through with spears is fun. Dancing with beautiful women then sinking my teeth into their necks is fun. Finding no blood stains on my clothes after a night out is fun. Resolutions are not fun.

Alas even a Vampire Kings has to do things to amuse his lovers, so I made a resolution. I told Gillian that I would take it upon myself to learn all there is to know about the games held in the huge arena where large men play with their balls before a cheering crowd.

She told me not to say that to others. I questioned her about that. Why should I not talk about sport? It is the only thing men are allowed to speak freely about. She said it was how I used the expression, “their balls.” I did not understand.  Then Gillian told me not to be a fool. I called her a bitch. She locked me out of the bedroom. It was not a good night.

I will make a resolution to ignore her next time she asks me to do resolutions and talk about the confusing sports of idiots with balls.

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

Balls. Now I know what BALLS is. Why did not a soul tell me about balls? Back when I was Vampire King heads and balls would roll. Now I look back and realize I sounded like a young boy laughing at his first vulgar jest.

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

Balls! How did I not know?

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

I brought Gillian a case of Romance Writers’s Blood, and a diamond bracelet. She is now happy with me again.

Tonight we went out in the city streets to see fireworks and other lights in the old part of town.

As Gillian and I walked through the crowds I could see heads turning, and eyes upon me. They smile and whisper to each other. “Oh my God,” they say, “he is so cute.” I do not understand what this cute means, but I do know it is important.

One New Year’s Eve when I a young Vampire of eighteen years my Auntie Dorgania said, “Vlad it is too bad you do not have the dangerous hooked nose, the pointed chin, and dark large eyebrows of your grandfather, and your uncles. He made those who saw him in his magnificent robes recoil with fear, but also bow with respect. Vlad, you are hardly a figure to be noticed. You are like your father. You are more like a woman. Do you have anything under your tunic or just a smooth spot like a fork in young tree branches? You will be nothing. That is too bad. You have so many other talents. Maybe I should sew you a dress. You should grow your blonde locks and braid them with pretty red ribbons. I will find you a husband who will beat you into submission.” The she laughed and licked her lips like a dog. We were not alone. Everyone at the party in the great room of the castle laughed with her.

I went home and looked into a mirror. It was nothing but fog and I had a hard time finding my reflection. I caught my eyes and my image became clear. I did not look like a woman. Yet, the cruel words of Auntie Dorgania still stung. Later that year I sent a pack of wolves after her horse and she was never seen again.

My father kept saying, “I wonder what happened to Dorgania?” I said nothing. I kept her skull for many years then gave it to a monk who made it into a goblet and gave it to a nun he was in love with. Nobody can accuse me of not believing in true love.

Tonight I walked proud, as I had when I finally became King of the Vampires. I was no longer the ruler of anything but I was coldly confident and content.

For Vampires the eve of a new year is the time for secrets. I asked Gillian how she became a Vampire. I have known her for four hundred years but never had heard her story. She smiled and kissed me under the first explosion of fireworks. I forgot about her secrets.

Gillian and I dined in the dark basements of the old city on merry makers. They slept well, and we celebrated. Then we made resolutions. Only two.

  1. We will learn games with big and small balls.
  2. We will drink no bad blood.

Then we wished all we saw, and all who saw us, a Happy New Year, as much as two Vampires in love can wish anyone anything, which isn’t much. That is our nature after all.

~ Vlad

 

 

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

I don’t always post a lot about my husband Teddy. With the kids off from school, home from school, and keeping us busy, I haven’t had much time to even think about writing. OK I have thought about it but just enough to put down some notes here and there. Through everything, kids or no kids, Teddy is always here for me.

In the season of cold and love, I’m sharing a story I’ve told before.

Cold Hands, Warm Hearts

My eldest brother Max (10 years my senior) had asked his best friend Teddy to escort me home from the theater one evening. It was 1874. I was 15 years old.

“Your hands are so cold,” he said as he helped me up off of the muddy street onto the boardwalk.

I gave him a coy smile. “I have a cold heart sir.”

He laughed. I never called him sir. He offered me his arm.

I gladly took his arm. “Your hands are positively burning. What sort of fire stirs your soul tonight?” That was pretty forward but I didn’t care. I was floating with the joy of being a flirt and having no brothers or parents around to stop me.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“No I am not.”

“You’re an impish little thing. It will take a man with a quick wit and a good sense of humor to woo you Juliette.”

“Ahhhh, but you forget I have four older brothers. I pity any man who would have to deal with them.”

“They’ll love any man who is truly in love with you Juliette.”

“I doubt that Teddy.”

Then he stopped and faced me. “I have some news. A secret if you can keep one.”

“Your secrets are always safe with me.”

Teddy had a large smile on his handsome face. “I’m getting married.”

My young Vampire heart literally stopped dead. My head started to spin, but I managed to smile because like all Vampires, I was a natural liar. “Oh Teddy. I’m so happy for you. She really is lovely.” I knew the young woman. She was lovely.

I wished I could just turn to putrified slime and slip into the dirt like the dead in the cemetery but instead I found a dark place to curl up in for the rest of the night. Teddy would now be lost to me forever. No more laughing at silly jokes with him. No more having him give me sly smiles. No more watching him and my brother Max in awe as they turned from boys to real men.

Teddy would be moving on to the world of married men where there was no room for girls who laughed too loud and talked too much. There was no room for Vampires. Sure, once I was older and became an icy cold elegant woman like my Vampire mother I could entertain Teddy and his bride, but until then it was over. He might has well have died – at least that is what I was feeling in my cold quiet teenage heart.

Teddy had no idea how different any of us were. He had no idea that his father’s business partner was a Vampire. Teddy had no idea what a Vampire was.

While they were away to college Teddy never really questioned why my brother Max would go out in the middle of the night. He imagined it was a woman who had captured Max’s eye, or gambling or just a restless spirit. Like all of us, Max was brilliant at hiding his true nature.

The young woman of good breeding whom Teddy had become engaged to was sweet. That was her only attribute aside from being considered unusually pretty. She wanted nothing more in life than to be the wife of a successful man. The fact that Teddy was the most handsome human I’d ever seen in my life, interesting, smart and funny was just an added bonus. Other than the fact that Teddy thought she’d be a good match there was nothing remarkable about her. Good breeding. Good reputation. Good girl. I didn’t even think about passion. Thinking about that would be almost as bad as thinking about my parents having any kind of passion (remember I was 15 years old.)

Teddy’s love wasn’t out sucking blood out of people in the middle of the night. She was in bed alone dreaming of angels and kittens, or saying her prayers. She was the kind of girl he dreamed of and I am sure he dreamed of her at night.

I wished I was like her. I wished I was sweet and warm like a her. I touched my icy hands against my cheeks and closed my eyes and then wiped away cold tears. No amount of wishing could make me warm. No amount of wishing could make me walk in the sunshine without dark glasses or a parasol. No amount of charm or wit could make him continue to be buddies with me, a girl who lived in the shadow of the night. He’d never love me.

I found my brother Val and told him the news. Val, who is only 16 at the time, thought I was being silly. He didn’t understand. He was a boy. Teddy could still be friends with a boy.

Max came up on the roof where I ended up that night. He sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. “Teddy is like family. He’ll still be here for a long long time. With any luck he’ll live a long life and we’ll always be able to watch over him and protect him.”

I closed my eyes knowing it was a battle I couldn’t win.

“Listen Jewels, part of growing up is letting go, that means letting go of everyone else who is growing up and moving on. It won’t just be Teddy. All of us will have to go out in the world and make our way. We’ll all find love. We’ll find it with people like ourselves, other Vampires. People move on, but the human heart, and our hearts have a great capacity for love. You have to treasure that love because as we move on, they, the regular humans grow old and they die. I’ve seen Mother and Father mourn the loss of their friends in the worst way. We’ve mourned the loss of friends in the worst way. But Teddy isn’t dead. Be happy for him. He’ll still be my best friend. He’ll still be your friend.”

We sat on the roof until the sun came up and talked of life and love and loss.

A year later Teddy died and didn’t die. He became a Vampire (not from anything we did and very much against his will.) The wedding never happened. After that we all went our separate ways and had our share of love and adventure and friendship.

After Teddy acclimated to being a Vampire we became great friends. Twenty years ago we got married. That isn’t typical of anyone, but then again, not much is typical in my life.

As my own children become older and closer to being adults they’ll have to deal with friends moving away, getting in relationships and changing in ways they can’t imagine. Some friendships will last those changes, but many won’t. The fact that we can’t always predict these things doesn’t make it any easier, but at least we can talk with our kids about these things. We can be there when they need someone to talk to. And that day will come.

I have been fortunate to have friends who’ve been in my life since those days when I used to sit on the roof of my parent’s house and ponder the meaning of life. Sometimes my friends would sit on the roof with me. Sometimes my brothers would join us. We’re not sitting on the roof anymore, but we’re still talking and laughing and having warm hearts to go with our cold hands.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

First posted February 2014

Angry Vampire Rules to Live By

Angry Vampire Rules to Live By

  • Don’t be an asshole, even if you’re a Werewolf.
  • Everyone has a right to their opinion even if you don’t agree.
  • Don’t leave your kids for a piece of ass. You may think it is love, but it is a piece of ass.
  • Don’t lie about your child’s other parent to get your way.
  • If you’re going to cheat on someone who loves you break up with them first.
  • Don’t bait people with your political bull shit.
  • Don’t lie.
  • Don’t pick favorites with your kids.
  • Don’t bring strange men home until your kids grow up.
  • Buck up and be a parent.
  • Don’t tell someone getting over a death to deal with it, or that they’ll meet somebody new, or that the departed was needed by God to be someplace else. Just shut the fuck up and be there for them.
  • Don’t act stupid.
  • If someone posts something on social media that you don’t agree with just pass on it. Don’t comment. You aren’t going to change their mind. You’re just going to make them unfriend you – and make all of their real friends mad at you.
  • Don’t be a troll or a jerk in online groups.
  • Don’t be a troll or a jerk period.
  • Stop getting all butt hurt over everything. Being a fucking prima donna isn’t flattering for anyone (especially when you’re an adult male.)
  • Be nice.
  • Make Twilight references on the Twilight fan page – not here. We’re not fans of perverted old Vampires dating High School girls.  THIS (click HERE) is where you go for that stuff. 
  • Wearing clothing that is too tight will not make you look sexy. It will make you look like a sausage.
  • Read. Something. Anything. Just read.
  • Don’t make excuses for what you read. If you want to read romance, or horror, or technical gardening manuals then DO IT. You don’t have to answer to anyone.
  • Believe in yourself. I know that is hard with everyone in the world telling you not to, but screw them. Believe in you. If you’re reading this I BELIEVE IN YOU. Do it.
  • Tell toxic people to either seek professional help, or tell them to go to Hell. Or tell them nothing and stop talking to them. You don’t need them. They are toxic.
  • If someone tells you that they blog about goats, or rabbits, or Vampires, or Chinese myths, please don’t say, “I don’t really like goats, or rabbits, or Vampires, or Chinese myths.” Just say, “WOW, that is really cool.”
  • History isn’t about dead people. It is about what makes us alive today.
  • Don’t be rude to the help.
  • Don’t expect Vampires to go around with blood dripping from their chins. Seriously, who the Hell does that?
  • Vampires can go out during the day. Get over it.
  • NEVER wear black stockings with open toed shoes. Seriously. Don’t do it.
  • You don’t have to show off your boobs to everyone. Let me say that in another way… you don’t have to show off your tits to everyone. Sometimes it is ok to wear a shirt that covers a little more. Sometimes that is the sexy choice.
  • Nobody gives a shit what your wedding dress looks like. They’re all checking out the level of awfulness in the bridesmaid dresses you picked out.
  • Cats are assholes but you MUST still love them and protect them.
  • Don’t tease animals.
  • Don’t be that asshole at the dog park who tells other dog owners that their is something wrong with their dogs, when everyone knows your dog is the jerk. The same applies to parents of human kids.
  • Your child is not the center of MY universe. Get over it.
  • You don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings.
  • Don’t talk to me about religion or politics.
  • Never brush anyone off or discount their worth because of their age. Young or old – everyone has value, and their words, opinions, and talents have worth.
  • Don’t say shit about the state I live in. I’m in California. Nuff said. I love it. I’m here for the long haul. Get over it. If you like where you live I’m happy for you. Seriously. Stop hating on me.
  • We’re Vampires, not flesh rotting Zombies. We’re not rotting. Get over it.
  • Watch out for Goblins.
  • Be there for your kids.
  • Talk to your kids.
  • Talk with your kids.
  • Listen to your children.
  • Don’t judge your teens.
  • Listen to your teens.
  • I’m going to say it again – Listen to your teens. Don’t judge them. Hear what they have to say. Hug them. Be there for them. Don’t discount their opinions or dreams.
  • Tread lightly near angry Vampire moms.

Feel free to share your angry rules in the comments below. If you troll anyone (including me) I’ll remove the comment. Or leave cute comments about your cats or dogs. That will work too.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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Why something simple like hanging a spoon off your nose is so important (to a Vampire teen)

Fitting in is important for teens no matter who they are. Be it Vampire kids, Werewolves, someone with a different accent, or just a kid feeling out of place – everyone needs to feel safe. Everyone needs a little help – especially now. 

This was first posted in 2013 but it is worth revisiting from time to time, even if you don’t have teens.

Why something simple like hanging a spoon off your nose is so important (to a Vampire teen)

Since the invention of metal spoons humans have been hanging spoons off of their noses. Really. I kid you not.

My son Garrett told me that most of his regular human friends and their families hang spoons off of their noses. They do it at birthdays, around the table at major holidays, in study groups and anytime there is a gathering with food and friends. They hang spoons.

“I can’t do it mom,” my son told me with a sad frustrated look.

“What’s going on?” His father had come into the room.

“Why can’t Vampires hang spoons off of noses?”

“Is that important?” Whoops Dad you said the wrong thing.

“I’m sick of not being able to do things that my friends do. I’m tried of not fitting in.”

Neither my husband or I even asked our son to list those things that Vampire teens can’t do. Being popular, smart and exceptionally good looking wasn’t a comfort. Sometimes it is those small things that make one fit in.

“Show me the nose thing,” said Dad.

Garrett put a spoon up to his nose. He tilted his head back and carefully slid the spoon to the tip of his nose. The spoon fell to the floor. “Everyone I know can do this, except my Vampire friends. I’m tired of being a freak.”

I could have said it is just a spoon on the nose, but I knew it was more than that.

“Did you breath on it?” Asked my husband.

“It won’t work. Our breath is cold. Our noses are cold. The texture of our skin is all off. And I’ve tried everything. It isn’t a silver thing. Stainless and plastic doesn’t work either.”

I looked at my sad men and knew that as usual that Mom would save the day. I turned on the kettle and as the steam came out I put the spoon under the hot damp air. Then I put it on my nose and it stayed.

“You can make hot breath. Now hang yourself a spoon.”

And so they did – they hung spoons off of their noses.

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~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

For more on hanging spoons click here. http://www.wikihow.com/Hang-a-Spoon-from-Your-Nose

 

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What You Believe

Beliefs that seemed so important to me when I was young don’t seem so important to me now.

I think that applies to most people. We are influenced by our small world of parents and school. Then we go out into the wide world and do stupid things based on our young narrow views. We reject experiences, including love, friendship, career opportunities, education, adventure, fashion, creativity, and so many other things because we’re only twenty years old and set in our ways.

As we get older we start to loosen up and realize that maybe those hard held beliefs don’t fit us. We realize there exceptions to the rules. We realize that we can change those rules and traditions and make them better.

I’ve written about this a lot on my blog, mostly though stories about my friends and family, and my own somewhat crazy experiences. Yes, we learn from our experiences, and from the experiences of others. Heaven help the person (and we all have “that person” in our lives) who never learns from experience and is doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and over.

A lesson for children is to not let others squash their desire to question what they know. And others will try. As a parent you shouldn’t fear this – if you give your child a good foundation, and most of all TALK WITH YOUR CHILD. Discuss these things. Keep the lines of communication open.

Just from talking to my children I’ve changed my mind and beliefs about some things. Yes, we can, and do learn from our own kids if we are willing to keep our hearts and minds open. It is a wonderful thing.

We move away and retreat from the old ways. At the same time so often, too often, we wonder “what if?”

That said, life does not stop when one grows up. You can keep exploring and having those adventures. You’re grown, not dead. And until you’re dead you can keep living, and changing, and looking at your options.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/retreat/

Christmas Memories (From a Few Vampires)

Memories from my Modern Vampire Family and Friends

From Andy: One of my fondest memories is walking with her in the snow at night. Her hands were hot, and as hard as she tried, she could never warm up my hands.

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From Matthew: We looked at the stars in the night sky and didn’t feel dead anymore.

From Verity: A nip of brandy and a nip on the neck of my husband under the mistletoe. 

From Lola: A lovely young man all tied up in red ribbons and bows. That isn’t figuratively either. He was all tied up.

From Tellias: We saw a great light in the sky and I knew something had happened that would change the world. That was a long time ago. I was very young.

From Eleora: We never did much for people we took blood from until we started to celebrate the Christmas holiday. Then we started to leave them presents. That is where the Santa Clause tradition came from. And this year I’m going to wear my red dress with the white fur trim and red boots and snowflake earrings. 

From Val: My sister Juliette and I would sneak into churches and sing along to the carols. Everyone said it would kill us but we knew nobody who is damned could be so inspired by the music as we were. 

From Cody: I used to be afraid of Vampires before I became one and found out how much fun they are, especially around the holidays. Well, except for the men in black and the zombies, but hey, you have to respect them for what they are.

From Adam (a Werewolf): Running in the mountain snow until we were so tired we couldn’t go another inch. My mother would be waiting with fresh meat, fruit cake and hot chocolate. We’d turn from wolves to boys and run naked all over the cabin as my parents laughed. It was crazy but, you know, we’re Werewolves.

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From Aaron: We used to act out the Christmas Carol except someone would always tear out Scrooge’s neck before my mom could finish the narration. Oh man, we would laugh so hard.

From Max: Candle light and the long cool kiss of another Vampire.

From Teddy: I’ll never forgot the Christmas I pried my mother’s necklace off of the rotting corpse of the woman who stole it. I knew at that moment that Juliette was the Vampire I would one day marry and would proudly wear the necklace. It was also the night I learned I hadn’t lost my soul, or at least not completely.

From Jayne: I wore a red velvet dress trimmed with flowers and holly. The room was filled with candles and garland. Everyone tasted like cinnamon and whiskey.

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From Ione: I was so excited about seeing Santa that I bit the cat.

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From Elizabeth: Going for angel walks in the cemetery at midnight with Jayne and Mehitabel. The stone angels inspire the singing of the dead. It is quiet lovely and moving if you know what tombs to visit.

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From Nathaniel: After years of spending Christmas protecting my kind from Vampire Hunters, I look forward to spending a quiet Christmas with my wife and child. I think I earned it.

From Thomas Kent: Christmas is a time for us to make frozen hearts warm and inspire peace among all creatures, even those of the night and cold.

To learn more about the individuals above click on their names.

Wishing you all dear readers sweet memories.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman