Angry Vampire Rules to Live By

Angry Vampire Rules to Live By

  • Don’t be an asshole, even if you’re a Werewolf.
  • Everyone has a right to their opinion even if you don’t agree.
  • Don’t leave your kids for a piece of ass. You may think it is love, but it is a piece of ass.
  • Don’t lie about your child’s other parent to get your way.
  • If you’re going to cheat on someone who loves you break up with them first.
  • Don’t bait people with your political bull shit.
  • Don’t lie.
  • Don’t pick favorites with your kids.
  • Don’t bring strange men home until your kids grow up.
  • Buck up and be a parent.
  • Don’t tell someone getting over a death to deal with it, or that they’ll meet somebody new, or that the departed was needed by God to be someplace else. Just shut the fuck up and be there for them.
  • Don’t act stupid.
  • If someone posts something on social media that you don’t agree with just pass on it. Don’t comment. You aren’t going to change their mind. You’re just going to make them unfriend you – and make all of their real friends mad at you.
  • Don’t be a troll or a jerk in online groups.
  • Don’t be a troll or a jerk period.
  • Stop getting all butt hurt over everything. Being a fucking prima donna isn’t flattering for anyone (especially when you’re an adult male.)
  • Be nice.
  • Make Twilight references on the Twilight fan page – not here. We’re not fans of perverted old Vampires dating High School girls.  THIS (click HERE) is where you go for that stuff. 
  • Wearing clothing that is too tight will not make you look sexy. It will make you look like a sausage.
  • Read. Something. Anything. Just read.
  • Don’t make excuses for what you read. If you want to read romance, or horror, or technical gardening manuals then DO IT. You don’t have to answer to anyone.
  • Believe in yourself. I know that is hard with everyone in the world telling you not to, but screw them. Believe in you. If you’re reading this I BELIEVE IN YOU. Do it.
  • Tell toxic people to either seek professional help, or tell them to go to Hell. Or tell them nothing and stop talking to them. You don’t need them. They are toxic.
  • If someone tells you that they blog about goats, or rabbits, or Vampires, or Chinese myths, please don’t say, “I don’t really like goats, or rabbits, or Vampires, or Chinese myths.” Just say, “WOW, that is really cool.”
  • History isn’t about dead people. It is about what makes us alive today.
  • Don’t be rude to the help.
  • Don’t expect Vampires to go around with blood dripping from their chins. Seriously, who the Hell does that?
  • Vampires can go out during the day. Get over it.
  • NEVER wear black stockings with open toed shoes. Seriously. Don’t do it.
  • You don’t have to show off your boobs to everyone. Let me say that in another way… you don’t have to show off your tits to everyone. Sometimes it is ok to wear a shirt that covers a little more. Sometimes that is the sexy choice.
  • Nobody gives a shit what your wedding dress looks like. They’re all checking out the level of awfulness in the bridesmaid dresses you picked out.
  • Cats are assholes but you MUST still love them and protect them.
  • Don’t tease animals.
  • Don’t be that asshole at the dog park who tells other dog owners that their is something wrong with their dogs, when everyone knows your dog is the jerk. The same applies to parents of human kids.
  • Your child is not the center of MY universe. Get over it.
  • You don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings.
  • Don’t talk to me about religion or politics.
  • Never brush anyone off or discount their worth because of their age. Young or old – everyone has value, and their words, opinions, and talents have worth.
  • Don’t say shit about the state I live in. I’m in California. Nuff said. I love it. I’m here for the long haul. Get over it. If you like where you live I’m happy for you. Seriously. Stop hating on me.
  • We’re Vampires, not flesh rotting Zombies. We’re not rotting. Get over it.
  • Watch out for Goblins.
  • Be there for your kids.
  • Talk to your kids.
  • Talk with your kids.
  • Listen to your children.
  • Don’t judge your teens.
  • Listen to your teens.
  • I’m going to say it again – Listen to your teens. Don’t judge them. Hear what they have to say. Hug them. Be there for them. Don’t discount their opinions or dreams.
  • Tread lightly near angry Vampire moms.

Feel free to share your angry rules in the comments below. If you troll anyone (including me) I’ll remove the comment. Or leave cute comments about your cats or dogs. That will work too.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


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Being a Vampire in a Political World

Last week I took a bunch of teens to see Bernie Sanders. Yes, Feel the Bern and all that. Teens love him. One girl kept yelling “Grandpa!”

We waited for three hours in the sun. We listened to bands. My child leaned into me as we sat on the grass, unembarrassed by her mother. The other kids were fine with my presence. Other young people were also there with their parents, waiting for the old man with the white hair and passionate voice.

Two middle-aged women with gray hair, long flowing skirts, and no bras danced the dance of white girl youth with memories of a skinny young man who made love to them in a tent, and too much pot. Other middle-aged women, with perfect blonde highlights, in slacks and blouses watched over their teens, with the just got off work look and fierce passion in their eyes for their young adult children.

I tried to count all of the Secret Service men but there were too many. I know there were hidden ones in the crowd, but there were also the men in suits who make themselves obvious and watch everyone.

Bands played. Soulful singers with voices that sang gospel, blues, and punk pop. A young man, originally from Korea, played the Spar Spangled Banner on a violin, while his Black friend played percussion. Everyone sang along, including the solemn Muslim girls in their headscarves and long-sleeved shirts.

I had to smile. The crowd of 20,000 was as diverse as it could be, from the palest of pale, like summer ice, to the dark color of the midnight sky, but then again, I live in probably the most diverse county in the United States. People were young and old. It was an equal mix of male and female. I was encouraged by the number of young men there. Seriously, it seems that all too often young men don’t show up at “things” these days as much as they should. Anyway, it was diverse. But to us that is normal. And that doesn’t even include the section of the population I belong to. And you know we’re never included in the statistics.

Over the year my children discuss why we’re not “out.” Because we would be slaughtered. We all know that.

The old Jewish man would listen to us with interest. Then I don’t know what he’d do. Maybe he’d just let us be. But could he protect us from the extremist? The loud man with the ugly hair and ugly attitude would have us immediately put to death. The woman would listen then come up with a complex solution to something only regular people think could be a problem. Or she could put out the word that we’re safe and to be ignored. We could only hope. Hollywood types and wanna bees would say they know us well, even though they don’t. The hard-line holy rollers who give my Christian friends a bad name would pee their pants.

I try not to delve into politics this election because, frankly, it makes me sick to see what is happening. And of course by the time the primaries come to California it is always too late for us to have a choice. Then again, there is always a choice.

It was good to see so many people of all walks of life, all colors, and all ages, gathering together in a peaceful and positive manner. Seriously, the good vibes were intense.

I posted this on one of my social media pages:

Last night I joined some young people in my life, and almost 20,000 others to attend the Bernie Sanders Rally in Sacramento. No matter who you choose to like or follow, it is important to check out your options, listen to all sides, research, learn, and listen. This was also a great opportunity for the teens to see how our process works. They saw the press, the Secret Service officers, and people from all parts of our community. They saw a calm and well behaved crowd. It wasn’t like what they see in the news. It wasn’t what they see in the movies. It was real life and pretty normal. They saw a speaker who running for president – not an everyday event. If you have kids talk to them about current events, the election, and our world. Also listen to them.You might learn something – about them and about yourself. And finally, vote for who you want. That is your right. Just vote. I stress to the young folks I know that people in other parts of the world risk their lives, risk jail, and risk everything for the right to vote. Don’t take it for granted.

Don’t take anything for granted. Don’t take for granted that there will be peace. Don’t take for granted that you will not be hated for your beliefs by blind followers of ignorance. Don’t take your freedom to say, or write what you feel, and what you believe in for granted.

Haters are going to hate. It has been a while but I’ve had haters come after me about Vampire stuff. Yes, they’d waste their time on that. Obviously haters never read Green Eggs and Ham, or much of anything. Don’t be fooled. Haters come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and levels of education, and economic status.

No matter who you you choose to support, there is no excuse for bad behavior (including party crashing, nasty phone calling, and other assholery.) Make sure you tell your kids that.

I’d like to say as part of the paranormal community who lives in the shadows that I could rally my peeps together and we could save the world. Unfortunately we can’t. What we can do is vote, and help change things one baby step at a time. You can do the same.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

                            ~ Martin Niemöller


A Vampire Looks Back on 2015 at Vampire Maman dot com

2015 was a year.


My kids were almost perfect. Really, I’m not being one of those snotty perfect moms who make you want to puke and then stab them in the neck for being so snotty and perfect. My kids are great people. Much better than I’ll ever be or ever was. It was due to good genetics and a lot of long conversations about being a good person. It was a lot of work. OK some of it was not genetics considering how many crazy people are in our respective families. Yes, these people are NUTS.  We’re still trying to figure out if it is environment or genetics.

I keep saying (my mantra) that you have to TALK to your kids, LISTEN to them, and talk WITH them. You have to build that trust. You have to do it early – but it is never too late. That is what parenting is all about. Really, believe me on this one.

A confused Vampire of my acquaintance became much more popular than me in 2015. Yes, that would be Vlad. Yes, the Vampire Diary guy. I have to admit that he is cute. He is really cute. He is also sort of a jerk, former Vampire King that he is. That said you will be hearing more about his adjustment to modern life in 2016. Heaven help us all.

Oscar the cat enjoying my art

The cats were always around helping me out in 2015. The one pictured above is Oscar. He managed to get his face slashed open in February. You can see the scar in this photo  of him admiring my artwork.

In 2015 I didn’t write as many posts. I did write a few swell posts but ended up reposting old but worthy things from previous years.

Fortunately other people were writing and the WPaD group came out with the fabulous and exceptionally good Creepies 2. You should download your copy today if you haven’t already done it.

Creepies 2 - Best Horror Anthology of 2015

Creepies 2 – Best Horror Anthology of 2015




2015 was a strange year for me. A lot was going on outside of the computer screen. My thoughts were someplace else. I’m sorry. I truly am, not just for you, my dear readers, but for me as well.

I appreciate all of the nice words you sent when my beautiful happy dog Jasmine passed over the Rainbow Bridge in October. Hugs.


But I did put down some brilliant okay words here and there. A few of my favorite more serious posts were:

I've got the moves like Hagrid

I’ve got the moves like Hagrid


What is in the future of Vampire Maman you might ask? According to everything remotely pertaining to blog statistics the most popular posts are about love letters and romance. So I will follow the will of my readers (and random visitors) and post more on my one true area of expertise.

A lot of people come to this blog looking for Werewolves. Well, um, yes, you might find a few here. I’ll have to think about that one. The Werewolf posts get a load of traffic. Remember never to confuse a Werewolf with a Hot Dog. Or a dog faced boy for that matter.


2015 brought too few posts about the Elders – the Ancient Vampires Tellias and Eleora. There were also too few posts about my brother Max. I promise you that I’ll keep you up on all of their adventures and/or misadventures.

I’ve also thought of doing an advice column. Slate didn’t hire me to replace the last Dear Prudence so I’m going to have to dole out advice right here. If you need questions answered see me first. Seriously. I have answers. I’m a Vampire, of course I have all the answers.

And naturally I will continue the Short Story Sunday feature. This includes more Austin and Elizabeth adventures.

A few of my favorite short stories of 2016 were:

I also had a few wonderful new guest posts from friends:

What other madness happened in 2015?

We visited old friends.

We visited old friends.

ROLLER SKATING. That was outside of this blog, in an alternate universe, but I posted about it anyway. We went to the National Championships in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Yes, we drove there and back from Sacramento and had quite the road trip. This is the story – click here. While there I also had the good fortune to meet, live and in person, the talented blogger and photographer Timothy Price.

THANK YOU to everyone who gave us so much support this year on the journey to the National Championships. THANK YOU.

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Aside from ROMANCE the other most popular subject on this blog is going to rock concerts with my teens. YES we went to the Van’s Warped Tour in Mountain View, California this summer. It was too much fun. We saw all sorts of great bands. Yes, I am the coolest mom in the world.

Never Shout Never Posters. Go Chris Drew.

Never Shout Never Posters. Go Chris Drew.

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Night Riots at 2015 Warped Tour - Mountain View, CA. Yes, I was there. It was awesome. I am the coolest mom ever.

Night Riots at 2015 Warped Tour – Mountain View, CA. Yes, I was there. It was awesome. I am the coolest mom ever.

And don’t forget the chalk art in Fremont Park (Sacramento) this year! Chalk it up again!





I guess it was a very good year.

Sing it Frank.

That was fun but I like this one even more:

This one too.

Happy New Year. Feel free to sing and dance the night away.

I hope to entertain you more in 2016. And I know all of my blogging friends out there will continue to entertain me (thanks for the fun and inspiration.)

Oh, yes, and one more thing… Nigel THE GHOST is still around lurking in the shadows. You’ll hear more about him in 2016. I’m sure of it.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman