A Vampire’s Guide to Friday the 13th

fart joke

Many people believe the negative origin of “Friday the 13th” comes from the demise of the Knights Templar on Friday the 13th. Some say the roots are more ancient, perhaps connected to the Last Supper or maybe even earlier events.

I’m not superstitious and generally have little or no patience with superstitions.

Or as my friend Adam, who is a Werewolf, would say, “SHIT, when Friday the 13th is on a full moon all of the crazies come out of the woodwork.”

I’ll make sure to stay away from the woodwork, and Werewolves.

What about the 11th? 9/11 was worse than what happened to the Templars/ What about the 23rd or the 17th. Halloween is on the 31st. Like the 13th they’re prime numbers.

But if the prime number theory was true, which it isn’t then 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97, 101, 103, 107, 109, 113, 127, 131, 137, 139, 149, 151, 157, 163, 167, 173, 179, 181, 191, 193, 197, 199 and so on… it would be too confusing and silly. Sometimes you just have a bad day.

But mathematics and Templars aside… I have some helpful hints to survive Friday the 13th.

By the time you read this Friday the 13th will almost be over. I have Eleora with me today, so I’m making this quick (like 15 minutes to write this quick.) She is older than the Templars but doesn’t have an opinion on the subject. She just said they were an odd lot of fellows and was suspicious of any group of men who swore to be celibate as part of their club.

A Vampire’s Guide to Friday the 13th

  1. Love a cat. If you need a cat consider adopting a black cat.
  2. Summer is here and people are disgusting. They are hot and sweaty and yucky. Carry a packet of chilled wipes, or a chilled wet wash cloth in a zip lock bag. When you need a bite to eat you’ll have something to wipe off that hot sweaty neck.
  3. Celebrate with a cold goblet of chilled Poet’s Blood on ice with a sprig of rosemary and a dash of good Whiskey.
  4. Cool off in a nice dark movie theater. I recommend the “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” 143
  5. Adopt someone and be their Vampire. Everyone needs a Vampire to help them through life’s scary moments. You can benefit from their blood, and they can benefit from your protection. It is a win/win all around.
  6. Watch a Vincent Price movie and turn the air conditioner up full blast.
  7. Look for the Templar treasure. But don’t bother looking on Oak Island. We all know nothing is there.
  8. Spend time with an Ancient Vampire. They enjoy your company and would love spend some time with you. They might even have some insights on modern superstitions and why people are weird.

Triskaidekaphobia: the fear of the number thirteen.

Have fun. Relax. Stay cool. And as always avoid bad blood.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

kiss me



  1. There’s nothing on Oak Island?!?! After all four years of me coming over every fall to watch that stupid show you and Teddy hooked me on (and you know the only time I watch that infernal boob tube is with you), you now tell me THERE’S NOTHING ON OAK ISLAND?!? What are we going to watch this November?

    Rants aside, the chilled wipes are an excellent idea. Thank you. I’d actually never come up with that despite living in the hell hole called Las Vegas. I just go into the casinos, cruise the slot machines in air conditioned bliss, suck up the cigarette smoke and join the seriously over intoxicated oldsters in a few free cocktails.

    1. I don’t think there is anything on Oak Island except buttons, a few coins and the biggest practical joke ever. I’ll go back and watch, just like I’ve watch the guy down the road try to build the same concrete block retaining wall around his yard for the past five years. OK, I’ll see you in October for more Oak Island and Retaining Wall Bingo.

      Mmmmmm cigarette smoke. I was going to mention casinos but I forgot. Too distracted by everything else. Have fun. Thanks for dropping by.

  2. My birthday will not fall on Friday the 13th again until 2029 thanks to two intervening leap years. 7/13/2029 contains three prime numbers. Four if you consider that Friday is the fifth day of the week…

    1. A birthday on a prime number date is always the same thing. But you’re off the hook for any number of horrible things due to the fact that YOU have BLACK CATS.

  3. There are a variety of reasons why 13 is thought to be unlucky. Like, Jesus plus 12 disciples at the last supper and Jesus then got crucified. (Not that the days after the last supper were a barrel of laughs for Judas Iscariot either, when you stop and think about it.) Also, the (old testament) book of Esther, when Haman wants to eradicate the Jews, I think that’s set for the 13th day of the month. Which may or may not have been a Friday… So some of this nonsense comes from people reading odd things into the bible. What can we say other than people are weird?

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