Short Story Sunday: The List

THE LIST

Halloween candy
Olive oil (the good kind, don’t get the cheap stuff)
Toothpicks
Gin
Garlic stuffed olives
Fresh basil
Red bell peppers (2)
Green bell (2)
Apples
Pasta (nothing flat. Get a shape.)
Bleach (3 one gallon bottles)
Rubber Gloves
paper towels
Large plastic garbage bags
Matches
Lighter fluid
Drain cleaner

Stop by the hardware store and pick up some drop clothes, duck tape, a couple of hacksaw blades (to fit the old blue handle) and a 50 pound bag of lime.
Love you. xoxox thanks.

Eric looked at the grocery list his wife had given him. Sometimes he asked her about the lists but he knew she’d get mad. Then he wondered if it was Duck Tape or Duct Tape. Was Duck Tape a brand. His daughter had talked about making a prom dress out of duck tape. Then he wondered who his wife was going to kill this time.

She was landscaping the yard. They were grilling a lot. She was going to paint the bathrooms. She had a list of people she thought the world would be better off without.

He thought of the box of newspaper articles his wife had kept. One was about a Girl Scout in troop 455 who had died when she fell into a pit toilet on a camping trip. His wife had been part of troop 455. One article was about a fifteen year old girl who’d vanished on a trip to the lake. Another was about a young man, a promising high school foot ball player, who lost his legs when a metal bookshelf in the library fell on him – a shelf that had been previously bolted to the wall in a section about ancient history that was rarely visited, except by this one boy who was a young scholar in Greek and Roman history. And yet another article was about a girl who vanished after going to the rest room at Senior Ball – the same year his wife was a senior in high school. The final article was about a woman his wife used to work for. She’d jumped out of the 5th floor of a building they’d been working in. On the way down she hit two people on the ground. All three died. Nobody knew why she’d jumped. She was known as rising star in her field and up for a promotion. After the funeral his wife took over her boss’s job.

Then he remembered that his son told him not to get any gross Halloween candy or every kid in the neighborhood would think they were uncool.

Eric was shaken out of his thoughts when his phone vibrated. There was a text from is wife.

Working late. But I think I’m getting the VP job. Have a feeling Bob might be going away. xoxox

He’d pick up some flowers on the way home too, just to keep his wife in a good mood.

~ end

Revelries of Night – Quiet Musings on Halloween and Vampires

Revelries of Night – Quiet Musings on Halloween and Vampires

Max was brooding. It is what my eldest brother does best.

I’d come home and found him sulking in my living room on the red couch brooding over a book on the symbolism of art.

“Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can’t a dove just be a dove, or a sunset just a phenomenon based on the rotation of the earth?”

“You sound like Andy,” I told him. Andy is another brother of mine who likes to wax poetically 24/7 and imagines himself deep. Andy is deep and it works for him. It just sounds weird and uncomfortable when Max does it.

His two giant wolfhounds, along with my sled-dog-mongrel lay sprawled in carpet of dogs at Max’s feet.

I invited Max for Halloween. I thought a quiet night of little monsters and our usual gathering with friends and kids and non-Vampire folks would do him good. Or it would make him want to crawl out of his skin but I didn’t care. I went over to my big brother and rubbed his shoulders. “Relax. You’ve been under a lot of stress too. We all have. Watch the game with me.”

I knew Max was missing parties at home due to the fact that we KNEW the Giants would win the World Series (3rd time in five years) and Max lives in San Francisco. I knew he didn’t care about some stupid female in f-me shoes. So we watched the Giants win and wondered how many little baby boys would be named Madison and Hunter in 2015. Just a couple of Vampires hanging out on a Wednesday night before Halloween.

Oh come on, we’re really not that horrifying. Sure we have some amazing dental work that we use to suck blood out of living humans, but nobody is the worse for it, well, not usually. Our hearts don’t always beat, but they do love. We’re cold, but then again we don’t get all sweaty. We can give people nightmares and hide in shadows and make you forget whatever we want you to forget. I can even suck out your soul but that is usually more trouble than it is worth. Really, trust me on that one.

My husband Teddy was at Kings game (Basketball. Of course they didn’t win. They never win.) My 15-year-old Clara came down to join us after the game. She told Max about all of the stupid stuff going on at school.

I know, I should have some sort of awful HORROR story this time of year. But this is our time to just relax. The holidays are coming and the cold weather and THAT is when things really pick up for us.

I let Max go on about all of the Demons and Zombies and Vampire Hunters and Crazy Ass Rogue Vampires and assholes he had been dealing with at work. He is one of the ones who takes care of all of those things. Not “take care” as in nurture, but “take care” of as in “get rid of.”

On his arm is an ugly fading scar from a Demon scratch. In his heart, be it ever so still, is a will that can’t be broken by anything that might come his way in the shadows he protects.

You should thank him for that. Max and those like him are the reason Regular Humans only have to deal with their own evil and not that of our kind, or those who aren’t Regular Humans or any kind of human.

He and his teammates are the reason why Halloween is relatively safe and sane and fun… the ghosts and ghouls know there will be dire consequences if they show their real faces.

I’ve so many calls to make before tomorrow night and so much to do. Clara is driving me crazy with requests for EVERYTHING (as teenagers do.) As a mom, even as a Vampire mom I feel a need to keep everyone safe and happy. That is, easier knowing that those like Max have my back.

If you’re a Regular Human, on this Halloween thank those who have your back and will risk their lives for you.

Max and I talked through the night about everything under the moon and stars. We watched the ghosts dance later under the oak trees as the bats danced above in the air. As the dogs slept we laughed. I got Max to laugh, something that has seemed rare lately.

In the morning, this morning, to the sound of garbage trucks (yes it is garbage day) we went outside and watched sky show it’s lights just before the sun came up. Max put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze.

“So what’s next?” I asked him.

He smiled showing a bit of fang. “Halloween my dear Juliette, Halloween!”

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Answers To Questions About Vampires: 2020 Edition

It has been a while (at least two years) since I answered your questions about Vampires. If I don’t cover what you are looking for here just leave your question in the comments section.

  • Yes, Vampires take off their masks when they eat. 
  • Since most Vampires don’t double dip there isn’t a huge chance of any of them spreading diseases. If someone is sick or infected Vampires stay away from them. We try to keep the food chain clean.
  • You are correct. Vampires do not like fire. Do any of us like fire? Really? Ask anyone in Australia or the West Coast of the US about that.  
  • No.
  • Sorry, the answer will always be no.
  • Light sensitivity depends on the individual. Thank goodness for sunscreen, dark shades, and hats.
  • No.
  • No.
  • No.
  • Type A. 
  • Sure if a Vampire is an American Citizen they’ll vote. 
  • It is a secret ballot. We don’t need to tell you who or what we’re voting for. 
  • Old Vampires dating teenagers is frowned upon. We are not pedophiles. 
  • I won’t answer that.
  • I don’t know.
  • It’s a bitch when your fangs get caught up in a mask.
  • Don’t believe everything you hear or read, especially when it comes to Vampires.
  • No Vampires will not go public in 2020.
  • Werewolves also will not go public in 2020.
  • There won’t be a Zombie apocalypse in 2020.
  • Yes, Vampires can see ghosts. It doesn’t mean we like them. Just like you don’t have to like everyone you see.
  • Yes, Vampires are social distancing but not with each other. That doesn’t mean YOU shouldn’t continue to social distance.
  • Now more than ever we need to fight for the future of our young people. Just keep thinking about keeping the food supply clean.
  • I’m not wearing black today. 
  • Yes, there are stupid questions.

Just in case you missed it or need a reminder… Answers About Vampires From Previous Posts: 

  • No. If you’re bitten by a Vampire you won’t automatically turn into a Vampire. It’s more complicated than that.
  • Yes, our body temperature is lower than yours.
  • No, we’re not all creepy.
  • No, going into a church will not kill us. It makes us uncomfortable so if we’re there we’re in the back row. But seriously don’t look for us there. Nobody likes Vampires in their church, and we just go for the music.
  • Yes, we celebrate the same holidays as you do.
  • Yes, Vampires drink coffee. Hell yes we drink coffee.
  • No Vampires aren’t off the grid, at least most of us aren’t. We have passports, birth certificates, drivers licenses, and other required documents. We also vote.
  • Despite popular opinion Eric Trump is not a Vampire.
  • Yes, Vampire fangs are retractable. Unfortunately, just like old car windows, fangs on certain individuals can drop down with no warning, stick up, stick down, or have other “mechanical” issues. Fortunately the car window fang thing is rare.
  • You need answers…
  • No, bats don’t make good pets. They’ll die. Don’t do it.
  • No, we don’t tear people’s throats out. Think of the mess. And seriously do you rip the door off of your refrigerator every time you get something to eat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
  • No, I don’t sleep in a coffin. I really want one of the Sleep Number beds.
  • Yes, we are sensitive to light. Thank you for asking and pass the sunscreen.
  • Yes, sometimes we do eat real food (we need fiber just like you).
  • Yes, we do have paranormal powers. No I won’t tell you about them.
  • Ask a Werewolf if you want to know about Werewolves.
  • No, garlic will not kill us. Now your breath… that is another issue.
  • No, a cross will not burn us.
  • Yes, if you destroy my heart or cut off my head I’ll die. So will you.
  • Yes, this is a real Rolex. I purchased it new in 1959.
  • Yes, cat blood is pretty nasty.
  • Yes, we do hunt vegans.
  • No, being a vegan will cause a Vampire to go into a coma for a very long time.
  • Because you’d kill us.
  • No, we usually just make them think they did. That’s why people love us and have so many fantasies about us.
  • No, we can’t have biological children with a regular human.
  • No, less than 10% of humans turned into vampires survive more than a few weeks. Of that only 5% will make it. 90% die within an hour. Did that answer your questions?
  • We wear other colors. Not just black.
  • Yes, we do prefer red wine over white.
  • No, I won’t answer questions about THAT.
  • Yes, Werewolf blood does taste sort of like Bourbon.
  • Yes, we do get married to other Vampires. No we don’t marry regular people (it usually doesn’t work out for obvious reasons.)
  • No we don’t marry Werewolves. What is wrong with you?
  • No, I will not show you my teeth. 

Thank you for dropping by today. I hope I answered at least a few of your questions.

One more answer – yes the new WordPress Block Editor sucks big time. It is difficult to use and extremely buggy and makes posting on blogs more difficult and time consuming as ever.

Wear a mask. Talk to your kids. Hug your dogs and cats. Check in on those who are elderly, alone, or might need some extra help. And as always, kiss a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

A Vampire Muses About Natural Disasters, 2020, Halloween, and New Discoveries. YES there is fun to be had in 2020.

What we’re talking about today.

I just found out about a tsunami warning issued following 7.5 magnitude earthquake off Alaska Peninsula today.

Along with living in fire country, I also live in earthquake country. I’m not so close that if the Big One hits San Francisco or Los Angeles I’ll be in any danger. If a big one hits San Francisco I will be able to feel it.

The tsunami warning signs at the coast are lovely graphics but they are a reminder that it can, and will, happen again. We don’t know when or exactly when but it will.

Almost everyone around where I live has a story about either the 1906 or 1986 San Francisco earthquakes, or ones in Northridge, San Fernando, and Long Beach, or Humboldt and Santa Cruz Counties.

Which brings us back to everything else in 2020…

Weird stuff always happens to me so I’m doing ok during all of the current weirdness. October usually brings it on for me with general death and distruction, but any month works for stupid shit and unusual nobody wants to deal with.

On the other hand October is usually the best month of the year. First of all it cools off. It isn’t cooling off this year. But hey, my kids are coming up to visit. Woo Hoo.

I don’t know if the leaves will even change this year or just stay green and everything will evolve into evergreens. At least the migrating birds are migrating and sticking to schedule.

Fire season isn’t over yet. I watch the skies and the dry grass and trees hoping that nothing around me, or anyone else will catch fire. We’re tired of fires. We’re tired of the BS that surrounds them with the lack of fire cruse or aid for those in the way of fires, and PG&E bull shit. Why the hell are all of the power lines still above ground? It know it is expensive to bury them but isn’t it more expensive to have the entire Western United States burn down every single summer and fall?

Alice my dog and I go on long hot dry walks. We’d like it to cool down.

There are two weeks left until the election. I don’t suspect that all of the political weirdness will end because no matter what the results there will be… let’s just hope whatever the reaction is to the outcome that it doesn’t rival a Stephen King novel.

I’m still not sure if I’ll carve the pumpkins on my front porch. If I do I might as well pull out my magic witch hat and dress up the dog. The kids will be here for Halloween too so no matter what it will be fun. Vampires always find ways to have fun.

What else is new.

My daughter sent me this video. I laughed and almost cried.

I also discovered Owlkitty this week. I love Owlkitty.

The Crocker Art Museum will now be open four days a week. I am so jazzed. I’ve made reservations for my birthday.

I’m just thinking out loud. What are you thinking about and talking about?

No matter what wear a mask, stay safe, talk to your kids, hug your cats and dogs or whatever critters you call family, don’t be a dick, be kind, and as always kiss a Vampire. xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Juliette’s Book Club: Halloween Horror

Halloween is only a few weeks away. You might not be able to go out and party this year, or bring your little monsters out on the streets BUT you can stay home and scare yourself silly with some scary hellish horror stories.

Today is a pretty scary day at my house. I’m cleaning carpets which means I don’t have time to write up every single book so I’ll give you the covers and you can check it out on your own. These are books I’ve read and recommend. Feel free to add to the list in the comments section.

Yes, Vampires do clean their carpets.

Have fun. Stay safe. Be scary.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Yes, there is one in here that isn’t horror but it is a real horror that such an insanely bad story became so popular. Guess which one. Bahahahahahahahahah!

Short Story Sunday: Completely (A Halloween Romance of a Sorts)

He’d climbed Everest without oxygen. He’d swam under the oceans with Jacques Cousteau. He’d canoed the Amazon, experienced swordplay with Samurai warriors, and discovered pharos’s treasure. He’d solved murders with Scotland Yard. He even met Jack the Ripper. He’d traveled through history experiencing adventures that were beyond the dreams and imaginations of most.

Yet, he couldn’t figure out or conquer the heart of the woman who stood before him.

For the past hundred and thirty six years Jeremy Laurence had been dancing around his emotions with Sylvie Winters. 

She stood there wearing a sundress with a denim jacket, and was holding in her arms a small tabby cat on a leash.

At Halloween time she might dress up in black like the Vampire she was but it was usually jeans and sweaters for Sylvie, with maybe diamond earrings. 

He was known for being the star of the nightlife and she was known for being the star of night blooming cactus.  Yet the very thought of her sent his head spinning.

“How have you been Jeremy? It has been forever, you know, since the pandemic and all. How are you?”

“Life has been quiet,” he told her.

“But isn’t it always fairly quiet for Vampires, well except you.” Then she laughed and he saw a flash of her fangs and it sounded like the music of angels. 

“What are you doing for Halloween?” Jeremy asked.

“I’d hoped to maybe dress up my cat and come over to your house,” she told him.

Maybe conquer wasn’t the right word to use.  He’d never have the right words for Sylvie, even if it took another one hundred and thirty six years.

Then she stepped closer and kissed him, then laughed again. “I’ve always loved you,” she whispered in his ear, then he, Jeremy Laurence, Vampire of the world, was conquered. Completely.

~ end

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman