I had the most extraordinary and strange evening.
My friend Constantine, who is also a Vampire, is out of town for a romantic journey with his Werewolf girlfriend. Most of our friends disapprove of this relationship. I do not disapprove. After living for 477 years and then being locked up in a crypt for the past 300 years I have come to realize that one must be flexible with their views if they want to survive or find any amount of happiness.
Connie, which is what I call Constantine, asked me to check in on his cat while he was away. Tonight I brought my two cats with me so that they could keep Matilda company. I believe it is called a play date.
Upon opening putting the key in the lock on the front door I noticed that the front door was already open.
Two men stood in Constantine’s living room. They were removing the paintings from the walls. One was short with long dark hair. The other was tall with hair the color of oranges.
“Who are you?” I reached for my dagger, realizing that I no longer carry a dagger. Old habits from 300 years ago die hard.
“He can’t be a Vampire,” said Long Hair. “We didn’t invite him in.”
“I doubt if you were invited in,” I said.
“You have to be asked to come in,” said Orange Hair.
I am sure I rolled my blue eyes around at least once. “If that was true then most Vampires would have starved to death centuries ago. Who are you and what are you doing in the home of my friend?” I said to them.
“We’re vampire hunters,” said Long Hair. He seemed to be the leader.
I snarled at them showing my fangs. “You are not welcome here. Leave if you value your life.”
“You can’t be a vampire because you’re holding an umbrella and wearing a sweat shirt,” said Orange Hair.
“It is raining you fool,” I said.
“You have cats,” said Long Hair.
Orange Hair opened his eyes wide. “Are you a Witch?”
“What kind of crazy talk is this? Cats? A Witch? You need to go away before I am forced to make you leave,” I told them.
“Where is your coven holding out?” Long Hair asked.
“What do you mean by coven? My family? Aside from my sister, I do not know. Dead I expect,” I said.
“Who is your overlord?” Long Hair asked.
“I do not understand,” I said.
Long Hair gave me something I think he thought was a mean look. “Who is your Master?”
“I was the King of Vampires but I am retired now, since I was locked in a crypt for three hundred years, and now, alas my country and castle no longer exist,” I said.
“He must be a hybrid,” said Orange Hair. “You know, half human and half Vampire.”
“There are no mixes and matches. One is a Vampire or one is not a Vampire,” I said.
“You’re blonde. Vampires have dark hair like mine,” said Long Hair.
“He is too cute to be a Vampire,” said Orange Hair.
“He might be wearing a mask, you know like covert operations CIA type of shit,” said Long Hair.
“Why would I wear a mask unless it is required by the Covid-19 protocols?” I asked. They seemed not to hear anything I said to them. That is typical of Vampire Hunters.
“Are those cats your familiars?” Long Hair asked. So many questions.
“I am familiar with them,” I said.
“They must be Demon cats,” said Orange Hair.
“They are rescue cats. I found them. They are my pets and I love them. Now it is time for you to stop this ridiculous discourse,” I said to them.
“Werecats!” The both shouted this at the same time.
“Where?” I asked. “The cats are right here in front of you. Ahhhh there you are Matilda dear.” Constantine’s black and white tuxedo cat came into the room. I reached down and stroked her head. She started to purr.
Long Hair yelled at the top of his lungs one of the most vile horrible things I have heard in a long long time, and believe me I have heard many vile and horrible things. He said, “we must get the cats. Put them in a bag.”
“If you harm any of these cats I will have to kill you,” I said.
Long Hair threw water on me. Orange Hair held up a cross.
“I am done with you,” I said.
Then I took care of them. Unfortunately I needed some help but could not ask the cats for assistance.
I went next door to Johnny’s house. Johnny and Connie are not only neighbors but friends. Johnny is what is called an fine art dealer and owns what is called an auction house. He is a somewhat interesting fellow.
Johnny answered the door. “Hey Vlad, it’s late, but hey you didn’t wake me up. I was watching Squid Game. Have you seen that yet?”
“Yes, it was quite strange yet entertaining. But that is not what I came here to discuss. Two men have broken into Connie’s house. They threatened to hurt the cats.”
Johnny’s dog Buck came into the room then licked my hand. “That is just jacked up. Where are they now?” Johnny asked, as he put his hand on his dog’s head.
“I put them in the back seat of their car. I put their clothes in the trunk,” I said.
“Wait, what? They’re naked?”
“Absolutely naked. Not even socks. They are not awake yet. It will be a surprise when they come to. I need to know where to leave the car.”
“I don’t know Vlad, but this could be fun. Come on in for a sec and I’ll get some shoes on.”
He came back with shoes on. I told him that I wanted us to drive the men to another location and leave the car. We decided on a pull-out along the river road.
Before we left I pulled out a phone belonging to Long Hair. Then I whispered to him, “What is your telephone secret code?”
“8675309,” said Long Hair.
“Wow, how’d you get him to do that?” said Johnny.
“Oh right,” said Johnny. “You and Connie are Vampires. I’m cool with that. Holy cat whiskers, I never expected tonight would be like this.”
“I am going to call the police on Long Hair’s phone. I want you to tell them on the phone that two naked men are asleep in a car. I will sprinkle them with drugs.”
“I found some at Connie’s house.”
“Drugs? What kind of drugs?”
“The white powder. I believe it is called Cocaine. He got it from you Johnny. Remember? Now good man, help me out here and call the police for me.”
“What should I tell them?”
“Tell them two naked men are in the car and you think they are dead. Speak with an unfamiliar accent, or pretend you are a high voiced teenage girl. Do, what is the expression, do what works for you. After you speak hang up. If they ask a name say it is Harry Balls.”
“Harry Balls? What the fuck Vlad?”
“The children who lives on my street think the name is outrageously funny and often make jokes using it. I think it would be funny. My friends keep telling me I need to be more funny, so say Harry Balls.”
“Yeah, sure. I used to laugh at the same joke when I was a kid. Some things never change. What if the guys in the car wake up?”
“They will not wake up for a long time. I took quite a bit of blood out of each one of them.”
I smiled at Johnny, but he failed to share my amusement.
Johnny called 911 and used a funny rough voice that sounded like an old man who had been drinking and smoking too many cigars.
I wiped off the phone to remove fingerprints. I learned that by watching movies about criminals. Then we left.
I thanked Johnny and told him that if he ever needed anything to call me. Then I went back to Constantine’s home and situated the cats. Then I took my two cats and drove home.
Upon returning home I look in the mirror by my front door. I am not too cute to be a Vampire. I do not understand what they were talking about.
Then I sat on my couch with my cats and watched a movie with no color called Key Largo. It was quite good. I could only think that maybe it would have been nice to have another blonde, maybe female with a sultry voice join me. Maybe next time.