This is a true story. I don’t think I’ve told it here before.
About eight years ago we had a yellow jacket problem at my house. Yeah, those summertime assholes who invade our outdoor spaces and sting just because they can. They are the only creatures on the planet without a purpose except to be assholes.
Anyway, they built a huge nest underneath the brick walkway right where the walkway meets the steps that go up to my front porch. Nobody could walk to my front door without being swarmed.
The exterminator guy couldn’t make it out so I decided to take matters into my own hands. Rather than wait I decided to take matters into my own hands.
Yellow jackets are usually inactive at night. Even vile Demons need their down time. Despite dire warnings from my darling husband, I decided to get out the wasp spray at about three in the afternoon.
So, I sprayed at the entrance of their underground lair. The flying yellow assholes started to come out. At first it was just maybe five or six of them.
Just then two attractive middle aged men, nicely dressed in suits came up my walkway.
Jehovah Witnesses.
They asked me how I was.
I said I was doing ok. It was a beautiful summer day. Not too hot. All of my roses and daylilies were blooming. It couldn’t have been better (I didn’t mention the yellow jackets)
THEN one of the nice men handed me a pamphlet with the title, “WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.”
We made small talk about that subject for about 15 seconds, then all of the sudden the yellow jackets came up from their hell hole and SWARMED. Also take note that yellow jackets don’t just swarm – they hunt you down and chase you. They will CHASE YOU DOWN.
They circled me. They made a cloud over the men. I vividly remember one man had about a dozen of the little assholes in his hair.
I cried out, “YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.” But I don’t think they realized the gravity of what was happening. They just stood there.
As I ran up the porch steps one the little demon bastards from Hell stung my foot. I yelled out to the men to get away. They had such a shocked look on their faces. It went beyond the shock of the yellow jackets.
Then I ran inside of the house.
The men finally left.
My daughter, who saw the whole thing said, “Wow mom, you just dropped the biggest F bomb I’ve ever heard.”
Needless to say, we’re still laughing about that.
To make matters worse, at the same time, unknown at the time, there was a wild beehive in my garage. A week later I was stung on the same foot, on the same porch step, by a bee.
And yes, we’re still laughing about that too.
I often think of that pamphlet titled, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.”
I don’t even think I read it, but I wish I still had it. The comic timing couldn’t have been better.
Like I said, we’re still laughing.
Stay safe everyone. Watch out for assholes, even those who aren’t yellow jackets. Talk to your kids. Hug your dogs and cats. Adopt a furrever friend at a shelter. Check in on those who are alone or might need extra help. And kiss a Vampire – you’ll thank me for it later.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
Note: These guys, along with others of their faith who have come to my home are lovely people and I’ve had many nice conversations with them. I have nothing against people who have the conviction to educate me on their faith. It is written in our (USA) Constitution that we can do that. I’m not going to convert to anything. Nope, I’m not a good target. I have my own beliefs/truths/ways. But I am willing to learn other points of view, and sometimes express mine as well.
Vampire Maman 