Urgent Emergency…but everything is alright…all things considering…because, you know, we’re Vampires.

Pandemic. Protests. Election. Fires. More fires. More smoke. Online school. Online work. My computer is off kilter and hardly working. My not so smart phone is also broken and limping along. Then yesterday I fell and smashed my nose, which thankfully isn’t broken, but I feel like I’ve been in a bar fight or maybe hit be a baseball bat.

Other than that things are pretty good.

We just returned from five days in Aptos, California, on the edge of the Pacific Ocean. It was wonderful and cool. While fires burned around us we were safe. Now that we are home the sky is still hazy and it is hot as hell but we’re safe.

The dry Oak Forest near my home where I walk my dog.

I have an ear worm. It is an ear worm with the wrong lyrics but I can never hear it with the correct lyrics.

You play tricks on my mind
Your underwear is so hard to find

That would be “Urgent” … the song by Foreigner. You know it.

My great great great great grandmama Lola is by for a few days. After social distancing with her current younger Vampire lover she decided he was too stupid to keep company with and has stopped by my house for a few days.

At six hundred and seventy six years Lola looks all of twenty six years give or take a few.

“So what happened with Frank?” I asked.

Lola stretched out her long legs and kicked off her sandals. “He is a picky eater. That is horribly unattractive in a warm blooded man, but in a Vampire man, and now during these times, it is downright stupid. You know how I hate stupid men.”

“Picky. Like what?”

She scowled. “He said he would only drink the blood of dark haired women with blue eyes who were virgins. I called him a disgusting sexist homophobe creeper. I should have known he was weird when he kept going out and coming back hungry. I told him that if he starved to death it would be fine with me. When I wouldn’t let him touch me anymore he admitted he would feed from other sources, but by then I was done with him. I should have known, but he was handsome and seemed like a lot of fun at first. The tip off should have been his fondness of some night elf girl on that World of Warcraft game. I thought someone who was two hundred and twelve who’d been a Vampire for the past hundred and ninety years would be a little more mature.”

“Yuck,” I said and sat down on the couch next to her. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

She smiled, then jumped up to find my husband and my brother Val.

We saw First Cow. It was a sweet movie and a quiet movie. You’re wrong if you think Vampires sit around watching horror and slasher movies.

Lola and my brother share a three bedroom cottage out in the country near the river delta, on the property belonging to Eleora and Tellias. Sometimes they stay there, sometimes in Lola’s house in San Francisco, and sometimes in Val’s house in Sacramento. I can’t always keep track. They watch out for each other. That means one less person I have to watch out after… but I still do watch out after them.

So that’s what we’re up to. I have to mention that when we got home our animals (a dog and two cats) went nuts and are still attached to us like leaches. It is good to be loved.

All this and I didn’t even mention politics. Nope. I’m not going there today.

From Scott Metzger, one of my absolute favorite cartoonists

Oh, yes, one more thing. I saw a new mural by my husband’s business. I’ll post photos of the two murals on the side of the building that houses the art gallery next door. I love them.

  • Stay safe
  • Wear a mask
  • Social Distance
  • Don’t be a dick about it
  • Check in on those who might need extra help or might be lonely
  • Talk to your kids
  • Kiss a Vampire
  • Don’t let the bullshit get to you
  • Turn off anything that has to do with politics for the next

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Aptos, CA

What we’re taking about today: Things we find stupid, frustrating, or maybe good.

Even my kids are weary of people asking Star Wars or Star Trek, or what Hogwarts house do you belong to, or anything about super heroes and their powers.

My kids were home for a while. Garrett left yesterday. Clara leaves tomorrow. They were here for three weeks.

We talk like we always have, about everything and anything. We discuss the news, but try to avoid it. They talk with me. They talk with their dad. We go for walks and talk in the car, and just hang out at home. We’re like everyone else. Maybe we talk a little bit more than everyone else.

Garrett, his friend Randy, and their other temporary roommate Alexis are all graduating from Grad School with no graduation. I plan on doing something for them all but don’t know what yet.

We’ve done drive by graduations and birthdays during the lock down for high school students.

The whole shut down has stopped Garret’s usual romantic head spinning. Seriously, his head is in the clouds when it comes to girls, but there has been a turn in my son lately. Maybe it is Randy’s more casual approach to girls. It could be strange Alexis and her tendency to just shrug off absolutely everything that is thrown her way, but always with sort of a smile and a let it roll attitude.

Garret is waiting for a new job to start. It might start in June. It might start in August. Nobody knows at this time.

Clara is still studying for finals and writing her last papers of the quarter. She is looking at internships. Her boyfriend has plans for the summer that will advance his goals. They’ll drive home in the morning.

My husband Teddy is over the top anxious about both of the kids. I keep telling him that we raised them right. Then again when Teddy was just a few years older than Garrett his entire world was turned upside down in an extremely jarring and unimaginable way. He worries about bad influences, bad directions, bad people, bad career paths. I remind him of house stupid we were at that age. Or at least I used to remind him about how stupid we were but stopped doing that this week. It didn’t seem to matter.

We’re all tense. We’ve been at home. Teddy boarded up his business and will start back later than expected. College is still online with no word of what will happen in the fall. I don’t know what is going on with my work. Everything is up in the air.

We talk about all of the issues that 2020 have brought. Any planning for the future seems strange. We try, but it still seems strange. We’ve had to put off or cancel almost everything.

We don’t talk politics. That is beyond frustrating. OK we do a little bit because it can’t be helped.

We garden. We read. We sit together. We pick out paint colors, pet the cats, walk the dog, and putter around.

The world is never a calm place but lately it seems there is little calm. So within our walls, our neighborhood, and our own souls we try to find that cam place. We do yoga. We laugh at stupid jokes. We tell funny stories.

No matter what our kids are growing up to be their own people with their own lives.

It seems odd that when I started this blog that they were in middle school and high school. We talked about middle school issues, summer camp, school shootings, and dress codes.

Now we talk about the environment, human rights, and the state of the laundry rooms at their apartment complexes. They talk about beach closures, park closures, and where to get the best vintage clothes in Southern California.

My husband and I tell them to be extra careful when they go out at night. I know they will be careful, but we have to tell them anyway.

I raised my birds to fly. Now they’re soaring off in different directions and I can’t see or follow them all the time. I have my own directions to go in.

I will miss my children. My husband will miss them as well in his own way. Then we’ll miss them together as we talk about how proud we are of them. We’ll also talk about how proud we are of ourselves for doing such a fine job of raising them.

The house is quiet now, and for a rare hour I am alone. Even the cats are off sleeping in their corners, or under a bed.

I should be writing new stories, Vampire lore, or complaining about ghosts.

But I’m not. Just waiting till 4:30 when I take the dog to the pet place to get her nails trimmed. Don’t tell me to do it myself. I have a 90 pound drama queen of a German Shepard. I can’t do it.

So that’s it.

  • Stay safe.
  • Feel love.
  • Wash your hands.
  • Wear a mask.
  • Listen to your favorite music.
  • Call someone you love and talk.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Yoga, Hummingbirds, and Lizards – Staying At Home

I’ve started doing yoga.

Lately I’ve been as stiff as a corpse in full rigor. Inactivity even can have serious consequences for Vampires. Why do you think Vampires who fall asleep inside of walls or coffins stay that way for years and decades and even centuries. They don’t move. They get stiff. And if you don’t have a lot of blood flow you’ll have seriously problems, just like with more warm blooded people. It’s just like that. Just like it.

My daughter, who is finishing up the last quarter of her third year of college, is up for a couple of weeks. She and her roommates still have chosen to keep their apartment and some semblance of normal college life.

She is my yoga companion. I shall continue when she and her boyfriend go back home.

Outside the humming birds have come to my deck in full force. They are Anna’s Humming Birds. They have a song and the males are quite aggressive. They fly and flutter around. I’m ignored, as I pose no threat. This evening on almost landed on my hand. I figure by the end of next week I will have come into contact. It won’t be the first time and no doubt won’t be the last. But there is something about this year’s hummingbirds as well as the other birds and squirrels that is almost too familiar. They don’t care if I’m within inches of them. They know I won’t hurt them. The seem to like the fact that I’m there. I know them all by sight. There is the tiny green one with the red on it’s throat. There is the large one with the red head. Then there is the aggressive tiny guy with the purple throat.

As for the squirrels, they’re always ready to entertain and take anything they like, be it bird food, squirrel food, or the oranges off my tree. They’re welcome to it all.

The lizards have also been out in full force this spring. It is as if all of the animals are locking down and staying in place along with the people.

We’re doing fine.

But I watch the insanity and politicizing of a virus. We what happened when that happened with HIV but of course nobody listened because that was considered a gay thing. It was the elusive them. But this one is all of us. HIV was all of us too but you know where I’m going with this. Even if you don’t catch Covid-19 you’re still part of it. And if you aren’t part of the solution by being careful, wearing a mask, washing your hands, staying at home, being proud of your unkept Covid-19 hair, and respecting others then you are part of the problem. Yes, go to a crowded beach or a full church and YOU are the problem.

Vampires have the luxury of being disgusting and hiding away and drying up until someone comes along and gives them a vein to suck on. You don’t have that luxury. Plus you and most Vampires, and others don’t want to do that.

Don’t be disgusting. Be proactive. Care. That’s all I have tonight.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

Leave Your Demons At Home

My daughter Clara is up for a few weeks. College is online but she still has her apartment in Southern California. This is just a break. She and her boyfriend drove up without any contact from the outside world except to get gas.

My brother Max has decided to stay with us for a few weeks. I asked him why. He said his house is infested with Demons.

When he got here last night he was beyond distracted. His dogs didn’t seem to care and immediately started playing with our dog. I thought they were all going to knock down every piece of furniture in the house. Between the three of them there is almost four hundred pounds of frolicking dog.

My husband Teddy helped Max bring a few things in from his car and haul them upstairs. I went to the kitchen to fix my eldest brother a nice mug of warm blood with a little bit of ground nutmeg and a dash of Tobasco (don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.)

I heard a scratching at the front door. Thinking it was one of the cats I told Clara to let it in. No sooner had I heard the front deadlock click open I heard Clara yell, “MOM. MOM. MOM. Come here.”

Flopping around in the front entry was a small pale gray Demon trying to unfold a twisted wing. The cats, who are usually game for jumping on any small alien creature ran away. The demon put it’s nasty fang filled face up at us and hissed.

“Holy shit,” I said. “Clara get me a broom.”

The tiny Demon scuttled around hissing and then suddenly stopped and looked up at me. “I’ll give you three wishes if you help me out,” it said with a smile full of sharp pointed teeth.

“I’m a Vampire you moron. Your BS tricks aren’t going to work on me,” I said. “What the crap are you doing here?”

“I came with Max and his damn dogs,” it said in a voice that sounded like a hundred years of chain smoking and cheap whiskey.

“Did Max invite you?”

The Demon rolled it’s shoulders and tried to stand up straight. “No he didn’t invite me. Nobody ever invites me anywhere. I hid in the glove box. Why the hell do you think I’m so twisted up.”

By then Clara had come back with the broom. She looked at the Demon in disgust and started hitting it. I opened the door and it managed to fly out, but not without the cats running after it.

Clara and I heard a blood curdling scream then silence. Outside in the front yard the cats stood staring at a dark burned spot on the decorative bark in my front yard.

“Good kitties,” said. Clara ran into the kitchen for cat treats.

Out at Max’s car I said, loud enough for Demons to hear, but not loud enough for my neighbors to hear, “if there are any Demons in this car you’d better leave now or you’re as good as fucking dead.”

There was silence for a few seconds, the the smell of sulfur came through the air. The back passenger door opened and a blur of several more small Demons flew out and off into the sky.

Once I was back in the house I told my brother and husband about the encounter. They acted clueless as usual. Seriously, I wish they’d both take these things more seriously and not wait until there is an infestation.

And that is my life today. I might get out into the garden, or visit more with Clara. We might all watch a movie. There is also the second As We Were blog post to finish up and cue up for tomorrow. Clara is studying. Max and Teddy are on the deck shooting the breeze.

Until then, keep fighting off those Demons. Stay inside, stay home, social distance, wear a mask, wash your hands, be smart, be safe, be friendly, be polite, be caring. Call, email, or FaceTime those who might need extra help or just need to hear a friendly voice.

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

moth

 

Monday Night Vampire Playlist

Monday Night Vampire Playlist

 

 

 

Stay safe, stay at home, wash your hands, wear a mask, and eat your vegetables. Vampires want you to be safe and healthy. So do the people who love you. And if you have to go out remember to crank up the music in your car and sing at the top of your voice like nobody is watching.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

juliettepurpledress

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Fun at home and stuff for you to watch

I’m at home drinking wine and doing stuff.

My husband Teddy asked me if I was still posting Burning Questions. I told him occasionally. I do need to start that series up again. Anyway his question suggestion was “What is the best cover tune ever?” Evil Squirrel do you have an answer?

My favorite cover is:

  • Tainted Love – Gloria Jones (1964) | Soft Cell (1981)

 

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If YOU have a burning question let me know. Just leave it in the comments box below.

I hope you’re all staying safe and in good humor.

 

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I’m working on a story for the next WPaD (Writers, Poets, and Deviants) and busy organizing my house and doing a zillion other things related to being at home way to much. That includes a video called Passed the Brush which I’ll share with you right now. It is right below my aka Vampire Maman sign off. I love this video so much. I’ve watched it like three thousand times.

Have fun. And don’t forget Dave’s Bottle Shop is having a sale on Type O and Poet’s Blood.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman