Burning Question #11: I had to ask…yes, it’s about Vampires

Well crap, I accidentally posted this today instead of Saturday so just pretend the weekend is starting early. As an added bonus I’ll post burning question #12 on Saturday. And remember don’t just tell me you like this post, give me an answer. It is fast, painless, and easy.

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If you’re here you know this blog is Vampire Maman – Musings of a Modern Vampire Mom. And if you’re here you know it is Saturday and time for the BURNING QUESTION.

Yes, I have to ask this one. 

Everyone has different ideas about Vampires.

Some believe they are evil beings lacking souls and from the depths of Hell (of goodness.) Some believe the Twilight shit and think they are weird old sparkling creatures who stalk high school girls (the whole concept disgusts me, both as a parent and as a woman.) You do know that is fiction don’t you? It is. Get over it.

Some believe they follow ancient blood rituals and live by a strict order set down by ancient laws (I can’t even hardly write that without laughing.) It just doesn’t work for most Vampires.

Some believe they are all like Dracula or the Vampires in the Anne Rice books (all fun and well written, or at least most of them.)

And some… a few, know that Vampires are just like everyone else except we live a long long long time, have a lower body temperature, can see ghosts, drink blood, can be pretty scary if we want, are extra sexy, can get a bit pissy, and are generally good parents, among other things.

And sometimes Vampires are just dried up old assholes who live in crypts and come out at night with their joints creaking as the dust falls off of their jackets and scare the shit out of people. There ARE Vampires like that and they’re pretty disgusting.

Just like normal folks real Vampires come in a lot of flavors.

If you aren’t sure of an answer please feel free to ask questions, or search this blog for answers.

Burning Question #11: Would you willingly become a Vampire?

 

Now that didn’t hurt a bite, I mean bit.

Oh come one, admit it was fun.

I’ll be back next Saturday with Burning Question #12. If you have a burning question you’d like answered let me know. See me on FB or email me at juliettevampiremom @ gmail. com

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Burning Question #10: Humorous Byproducts

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This week I want you to make sure your thinking caps are secure. It is time for Burning Question #10.

We’re going to be conscious about the seriousness of this question today. We’re also going to try to stay awake, which is another type of consciousness. We’re going to try to keep our humor about ourselves. And we’re going to all get along or something weird with Vampires might happen and you don’t want THAT.

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Excuse me, um yes, we’re going to be philosophical today. On a personal note, true story, I used to date a guy who knew everything about Kant. On a parenting note tell your kids not to date philosophy majors. But I Kant* talk about that now…

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Burning Question #10: Is a sense of humor a byproduct of consciousness or something else entirely?

 

 

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And then there are cats but they aren’t part of this question. That is another question entirely. Dogs are included in that as well. But are cats and dogs even conscious of their own existence? Do they have a sense of humor? The answer is YES and YES on both, at least for cats. OK for dogs too. Cats are just such assholes that they don’t give a shit what anybody thinks but they’ll eat your byproducts (so will dogs.)

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This has been the 10th of 50 Burning Questions. Only 40 more Burning Questions to go. See you next Saturday for #11.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

*Kant didn’t say any of this and is no doubt now rolling over in his grave right now, or he might be laughing. You never know. His name just makes for a great pun. 

 

 

Burning Question #7: Jungle Love

Burning Question #7

It is now time for this week’s BURNING QUESTION. When I get to question #50 we’ll be at the end, or maybe not. Anyhow…

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I was listening to the radio and the Steve Miller song Jungle Love came on and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about Tarzan. It was driving me crazy.

Don’t know much about Tarzan? Here, read this. I took it from Wikipedia. Tarzan (John Clayton, Viscount Greystoke) is a fictional character, an archetypal feral child raised in the African jungle by the Mangani great apes; he later experiences civilization only to largely reject it and return to the wild as a heroic adventurer. Created by Edgar Rice Burroughs, Tarzan first appeared in the novel Tarzan of the Apes (magazine publication 1912, book publication 1914), and subsequently in 25 sequels, several authorized books by other authors, and innumerable works in other media, both authorized and unauthorized.

Needless to say Tarzan took off like hot fudge on ice cream and was made into movies, cartoons, comics, and animated films. Everybody loves a sexy English Jungle guy, raised by apes. What heart isn’t melted by the thought of a wealthy Englishman who grew up as a feral child? Of course I did everything I could do to keep my kids from being feral children but that is another post.

But still, there is a burning unanswered question about Tarzan.

Look at ALL of the photos below of Tarzan. Do you see any trace of a three-day beard, or even overnight beard growth? No you don’t. Neither do I.

 

 

 

So what’s up with Tarzan? He is a hunka hunka burning Jungle Love but no chest hair, no beard, no pit hair. What’s under his loin cloth? OK we won’t go there today, but you know where I’m going with this (maybe you don’t but I’m not going to explain.) If you really want to know ask Jane. We all know she knows what is under his loin cloth.

Tarzan was raised by a bunch of apes after his human parents died. Apes don’t shave. They don’t have tools. They don’t have Amazon Prime so they can’t even order razors online, and if they could they wouldn’t use them to shave their faces.

And who taught Tarzan how to make a loin cloth, and what is that loin cloth made of?

But back to that handsome face… Does he shave? Did he keep his dad’s razor? Seriously the books and movies never mention anyone going potty, so he might be shaving off of the written page, behind the scenes.

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If Tarzan’s parents had left him in the Pacific Northwest or British Columbia he’s be shaving like this guy.

Burning Question #7: Does Tarzan Shave?

So answer the question. Yes or No. Does Tarzan Shave?

 

Now everybody shout out: AAAAAAeeeeeeaaaaaEEEEEaaaaaaaaaaaaaEEEEEaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Now that you’ve answered the Burning Question we’re going to have a sing along. The first song always makes me cry. It is from the Disney Tarzan Movie. It is about Tarzan and his ape mom. OMG my eyes are watering up right now. The second song does not make me get all squishy but sing along anyway. Take it away Phil and Steve.

Did you notice I didn’t even ask about the six pack and I’m not talking about what beer Tarzan drinks.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Burning Question #6: Fish Tails

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It is Saturday which means it is time for you to answer a BURNING QUESTION. It is TIME for ANSWERS.

Today’s rather fishy question is #6 of 50 Burning Questions to be featured RIGHT HERE on Vampiremaman.com. Keep checking back every single Saturday until we reach FIFTY.

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Do the POLL. Yes, you MUST answer the question. It is fast, easy, guilt free, and your information will not be sold unless I can get a lot of money for it.

And now for something to leave a bad taste in your mouth…

Mermaids live in the ocean. The upper half is human and the bottom half is fish. If you’re going to be biologically correct the bottom half would be, theoretically, more like a dolphin or whale tail, or maybe even a seal, because mermaids evolved from mammal humans (duh.) But you never know, it might have scales and be like a fish.

Humans have long been fascinated with mermaids. They have been pictured as seductive dames of the sea, and as nasty horrible creatures who’d rather bite and pull you under the sea than have a civil conversation with you. This includes both mermaids and merguys. They’re kind of like us, but they’re not really human. Or maybe they’re half human. Or maybe their DNA is 99.99% human. Or maybe their DNA is 99% salmon. Not really, but you never know. They could have evolved from Neanderthals for all we know, and as we all know everyone with blue/hazel/green/non-brown eyes has a little bit of Neanderthal in them. THAT is a scientific fact.

Or, and you never know, mermaids might be vampires who were driven into the sea by hordes of haters who just didn’t want to sit down and talk it out. For heaven sakes why can’t we all just all get along and be friends?

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Be my Neanderthal baby.

So that brings up some interesting questions, including today’s Burning Question.

Burning Question #6: If you eat a mermaid is it cannibalism?

 

No matter what your answer you’ll be shouting “Winner! Winner! Mermaid Dinner!”

Have fun everyone and don’t get too close to dark water, or dark eyed children with fish tails for that matter. You know how strange life in dark waters can be.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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Burning Question #4: Is Love Blind?

Once again you get to baffle your brain, and your heart, with another BURNING QUESTION.

Today I will ask the Fourth (4th) of FIFTY (50) BURNING QUESTIONS.

YOU will provide the answer. YES YOU. Please comment as well if you want. I encourage it.  Don’t just click on this page and run away. Don’t just click on “like.” DO THE POLL below.  These questions are important.

Burning Question #4: Is Love Blind?

Sure you can be like the folks who marry for money in exchange for being a bird in a guilded cage, or you could be like everyone else marry for poor worthless love, or is it something else?

But seriously do you just jump? Is love blind, or is it looking forward with wide clear eyes. Does love make the whole world seem like beer goggles 24/7? Or does love give you a single minded clarity? I have no idea. You tell me.

 

~Thank you and I’ll see you back here for BURNING QUESTION #5 next Saturday.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Now look at the dog and the orangutan and listen to Sammy. Seriously have you ever seen anything so cute? I was talking about the animals but Sammy is pretty cute too (and OMG that voice.)