Short Story Sunday: Gather Around Little Vampires

Gather Around Little Vampires And I’ll Tell You A Tale

“Gather around little Vampires for a tangled tales of princesses, surprised men, and clever young Vampires.

Once upon a time the king and queen of Vampires were happy as can be because they had become parents On the birth of their daughter, a cute little baby called Ameorphora, they decided to have a big party.

All of the fairies were invited. One green gave Ameorphora the gift of gab. Pink one gave her the gift of curiosity. The yellow gave her the give of a mathematical mind.

But the red fairy, who was a raging bitch and drank too much at parties wasn’t invited. But she crashed the party anyway.

In front of the king and queen of Vampires and all of their friends the red fairy said, “Ameorphora, dear baby, I give you the gift of being boorish and you shall ever be alone because everyone will hate you.”

Over the years the little Vampire princess made no friends. She was petty and whiney. Nobody liked to be around her. As she grew up she found herself more and more alone with her math books, her curiosity, and nobody to talk to.

Heaven knows she tried to be nice but it was impossible. Finally even her parents and siblings avoided her. So Ameorphora packed up her bags and moved to an old abandoned castle on a near by hill.

Years passed. Ameorphora was a Vampire so she remained young and beautiful looking. Inside she was sad and alone. So she went to sleep one night and slept and slept and slept, the sleep of only the saddest of souls.

She awoke from a loud frightening unfamiliar sound. When Ameorphora opened her eyes she found that her castle was covered in thorn covered vines. When she sat up she saw a man, a handsome youngish man come in through a clearing with loud whirling sword in his hand.

“What the Fuc…” she exclaimed.

“Hey,” said the young man, “Sorry, let me turn off my chain saw.” The weapon stopped whirling and making noise.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?”

“We’re clearing out the old castle. My uncle is a historian. I’m here helping for the summer. What are you doing here?”

“I live here,” said Ameorphora. Then she stood up and walked towards the young man. He leaned in, as if he wished to kiss her, but she grabbed his shoulders, then sank her teeth into his neck and drank his blood until he passed out.”

Oh my, she thought and suddenly, like a great weight was lifted off her soul, she felt nice.

When the young man woke up Ameorphora asked him two questions. “What year is it? And what is your name?”

“2019, and Alex. My name is Alex.”

Alex just happened to be a Math and Game Development major at a good university in California. So Ameorphora signed up for college as well, and they became best friends, and decided that they’d live happily ever after. She turned him into a Vampire too.

The end.”

The children all clapped and asked for another story.

I will now tell you the true story of Cinderella.

Once upon a time there was a man without a wife. He was alone in the world with his small timid daughter called Elenore. As a horrible judge of character and a wimp who couldn’t raise a child on his own, the man married a woman who only loved him for his money and social standing. It wasn’t a lot of money but enough to put them in the top 25%.

Then the man went off on a business trip and died, leaving his daughter with her step-mother. The step-mother didn’t know what to do with this girl who obviously had a bad case of OCD. It was annoying but at least the house was spotless. On the other hand the girl was weird and uncomfortable to be around. She talked to animals and was always plucking daisy leaves saying “he loves me, he loves me not.” Even worse she was plucking wings off of flies and calling the poor creatures crawls. She would say strange things to people when they went out in public like, “my father’s flesh has liquified and he is now nothing but worm pocked bones.” Once she told the Baker that she’d like to sleep his oven and wake up as ashes.

From there on out Cinderella, as everyone called Elenore now, was never taken out anywhere. In fact she was the poster child for the expression you can dress her up but you can’t take her anywhere.

Ten years passed and the two step-sisters and Elenore all grew into beautiful young women. Lizzette the eldest of the girls was gifted in music. Manon the youngest of the three was gifted in art. Elenore kept her talents hidden from the eyes and ears of the world.

On the first day of spring the King announced there would be a grand ball in honor of his eldest son Prince Edward. And low and behold ALL THREE young woman received invitations.

Lizzette and Manon cringed at the though of Cinderella showing up talking of death, dressed in black and telling fortunes to all of gloom and doom. So on the day of the ball they locked Cinderella in her room and went to the ball alone. When their mother asked where Cinderella was the sisters said she’d gone to a party with her stoner friends.

The ball was splendid! Women in flowing ball gowns danced with handsome men wearing tails. It was a magnificent site and oh so romantic. Lizzette caught the eye of Prince Edward and they danced for an hour. Lizzette was enchanted and falling in love but it wasn’t to be.

The doors to the great ballroom opened and in stepped a stunning woman in a black gown decorated with black crystals and bows. All eyes were on her as Prince Edward approached and took her black gloved hand. The Prince and the woman in black danced alone on the floor, slowly like two people in love. The lights dimmed and eventually the room became black. When the lights came back on the woman in black was gone and Prince Edward stood alone. In his hand was a single black glove.

Night after night Edward became more pale and weak. He laid in bed whispering about the woman in black as he clutched her one black glove in his hand.

Lizzette heard the news and went to her room and cried herself to sleep. She was sure she was the one. She was sure she’d met a man who could dance through life with her.

Manon talked to her friends but none of them could figure out who the mysterious woman in black had been.

Cinderella sat in her attic room wondering where her missing glove was. She retraced her steps down the narrow dark streets leading up to the palace but found nothing.

The next day the sisters, along with fifty other young women who’d attended the ball, were summoned to the palace in hopes that one of them had been the woman in black.

Manon saw Prince Edward first. he lounged on a couch, handsome but weak. “Did you wear black to the ball dear girl?”

What an idiot thought Manon. Of course she didn’t say that out loud. “No, dear Prince Edward I did not. If I may speak freely dear Prince?”

“Speak my dear,” he said softly in almost a whisper.

“Forget the girl in black. My sister Lizzette loves you heart and soul. You went to school together. You know her. You have a lot in common. Why go after a woman who would run away from you?”

As Edward nodded his head as if to say no, Manon noticed two small red spots on his neck. She almost gasped but held her breath.

Next Lizzette came into the room. “Edward, my dear friend, what has happened to you?”

He took her hands in his, dropping the glove on the floor. Lizzette picked it up. She recognized the scent of the lotion of the owner of the glove. Then she noticed the red marks on Edward’s neck. “Oh no, she didn’t change you did she?”

“I have not changed my dear. Only my heart that seems so enchanted…”

Lizzette put her arms around his neck and cried.

The skies outside grew dark and a cold wind blew open the door. A girl in black, as black as cinders came into the room. “Lizzette is in love with you. Don’t be a fool and marry her. And no Lizzette, I didn’t change him. I only drank his blood. If I’d had any idea he’d be such a pansy ass about it I would have never gone to the ball.” Then she took back her glove and left the room.

As she walked back through the woods on the way home. This was one of the only places she’d ever felt calm and normal. It wasn’t easy being different. As she turned the corner around a grove of blooming dogwood trees she saw a figure dressed in black. A tall handsome man, dressed in black, with shaggy black hair and piercing blue eyes stood before her. He smiled showing dazzling white fangs.

Cinderella stopped and put her cold hands to her heart.

He held up a black glove. “You dropped this one too.”

“You’re like me,” Cinderella gasped. “You’re a freak like me.”

“Not a freak my dear, only different.”

Lizzette and Edward lived happily ever after. Manon went on to become the director of the National Art Gallery. As for Cinderella, she found love as well in her cold dark mysterious stranger.

And THAT my friends is the real story of Cinderella.

~ end

 

Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Ask Juliette: Fairy Tales, Kid’s Sports, and Vampires

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a somewhat regular feature at vampiremaman.com

This week I’ll answer some interesting questions about fairy tales, the hot button issue of kid’s sports, and a bunch of silly and random questions about Vampires.

Ask Juliette

What do you think of Fairy Tales?

Oh how many lives have been ruined by young women buying into the fairy tale, and expecting Prince Charming to come sweep them off their feet and make their lives whole.

Beauty and the Beast is a great example of Stockholm Syndrome.

Cinderella, despite her problems, marries a prince. The problem is that she marries a guy who can only recognize her by her shoe size. Something is wrong with that. She also stays in an abusive home situation long after she is old enough to be on her own. Seriously – if the girl is old enough to be married, she is old enough to get the Hell out on her own.

If I had been Sleeping Beauty’s mother I would have told her up front about the curse and skipped all of the fairy BS in the middle. And if I’ve been sleeping and some strange guy, or guy I hardly know, comes into my bedroom and kisses me, it isn’t going to go over well.

As for those little fat brats Hansel and Gretel… they shouldn’t go around eating the homes of elderly people.

Most fairy tales, in their original form are brutally cautionary tales. With the advent of Disney, and other media outlets, they became romanticized.

I love fairy tales. But I don’t ever compare them to real life. Honey, no fairy tale guy is going to rescue you unless he is has a foot fetish or is into necrophilia (and you don’t want any of that.)

Throw it Sister. All sports should be out of love.

Throw it Sister. All sports should be out of love.

What do you think about kid’s sports?

Are you talking about a child in a sport he or she loves? Or are you talking about a parent feeding her/his own dreams, ego, and desires?

Sports are great for kids… providing that the parents are realistic and mature about it. Yes, I said MATURE, because sports seems to bring out the immaturity in parents.

Here are my thoughts and rules:

  • Let your child have fun.
  • Don’t expect your child to win every single time.
  • Don’t pressure your child to win.
  • Keep out of the business of other children and other parents.
  • Don’t yell at the coach.
  • Don’t expect the coach to jump through flaming hoops for your child.
  • Don’t be jelous of other children or their parents.
  • Don’t bully or allow your child to be a bully.
  • Don’t say rude things to other parents or to children who are not yours.
  • Do not put us with others (parents and kids) bullying you or your children.
  • If your kid doesn’t win every single time don’t ask the coach to put them in a lower level event so they’ll have an easy win. Don’t drop out of the sport because they don’t always win. Many (most) Olympic athletes didn’t win competitions right away. Some didn’t blossom until they got to high school or college. There is nothing wrong with not coming in first every single time. Your kid will learn more from trying harder challenging herself and coming in last, than she will from an easy win.
  • Don’t be a shit head.
  • If your child won’t practice it isn’t the fault of the coach.
  • Your child is not a professional. Don’t act like they are. This is not their life. It is not your life. It is just a game. Get over it. Have fun. Chill. Don’t be a jerk.
  • If a coach makes your child cry then it is time to get another coach.

My child is a National Champion at her sport. When she started she wasn’t a natural. It took her a long time to catch on. I let her do it because she enjoyed it. We (her parents) supported her. We did not demand that she win at every meet. We did not care when she lost (for years.) We let her do her do it because she loved it. When she started to win we cheered LOUDLY. When she doesn’t win we still cheer LOUDLY. When others we know compete we cheer loudly.

When she first started she was bullied by other parents and children, because in sports there are always assholes who think they have to bully others. Those people are no longer in the sport. They’re losers. They will never be winners no matter how many medals they have. They will never get to the top of life. If I had anything to do over I would take stronger action against the bullies. My daughter has a partner in her sport who also is a kind and gentle soul, with a kind and gentle family who supports him.

Like I said – the bullies dropped out. The parents who demanded constant wins from their children dropped out. The kids who were yelled at learned to hate the sport and dropped out. The kids who were constantly being pushed by their parents to achieve unrealistic perfection dropped out.

The children who were loved, encouraged, and shown good humor stayed in the sport and became champions.

Now for some random Vampire questions from the peanut gallery.

Now for some random Vampire questions from the peanut gallery.

Do Vampires have gardens?

Yes, some do. I do.

Seriously - we are not monsters.

Seriously – we are not monsters. 

If I became a Vampire could I ever turn back into a Normal-Non-Vampire-Non-Blood-Drinking-Person?

You’ve got a lot of hyphens going on there. No, you can’t go back. What is done is done.

 

A photo of Udo just because he looks so good.

A photo of Udo just because he looks so good.

Can Vampires eat regular food?

Sometimes. Sort of. Maybe, for some. We tend to stick to green things like kale and artichokes, red meat, a bit of cheese, and alcohol. We generally don’t do well with carbs or sugar. In fact, none of us do well with carbs or sugar. Anything fried can make us sick for days. Most food makes us sick so we proceed with extreme caution. Passing a bakery and taking in the smells can be torture for some Vampires as they remember back when they were donut eating hot blooded folk. And only teeny tiny amounts of chocolate on only very special occasions. My advice is to just skip it. It isn’t worth it.

 

Iareseriouscat

Is it OK for a Vampire to date a Werewolf.

For God’s sake why would you want to? Sure, you could. It would be complicated. I guarantee they’ll be problems. But hey, who am I to judge? In the meantime stop asking. Everybody asks this question and I’m tired of it.

 

You know these guys!

You know these guys!

If a Vampire bites a dog would it turn into a Vampire Dog or a Werewolf?

WTF? It wouldn’t turn into anything but a pissed off dog because some asshole decided to bite it.

 

Don't bite me dude.

Don’t bite me dude.

If an X-ray was taken of a Vampire skull would it look different than a Human skull.

Maybe.

Teddyanddog

 

Why do Vampires always wear black?

We don’t aways wear black. Black is fashionable. Black can’t be seen at night. Black is easy. Black is hip. Black goes with almost everything. Black is just one color we wear. I love to wear blue and olive green. I love absolutely love olive green and moss colored clothing. Right now I’m wearing black, but I don’t always wear black.

 

It isn't always black, or even red.

It isn’t always black, or even red.

 

That is all I have time for today. If you have any pressing questions about parenting, Vampires, romance, relationships, or just about anything just ask me. I’ll answer just about anything. Send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things are getting Grimm in the Vampire household

grimm_TV series

Things are getting Grimm in the Vampire household on Friday Nights

We’re watching Grimm on Fridays now (NBC). We have been since the first season. We still are.

These of you who have been following this blog for a while know that in the summer we watch America’s Got Talent and post our opinions here. My kids and I watch. My husband complains and makes cocktails.

Let me ramble for a bit (or you can scroll down to the next bit of big type)

As a rule we don’t watch a lot of reality TV. Let me take that back…we don’t watch contests.

I was just thinking that because my dear husband started watching Antiques Roadshow years ago due to his business (antiquities etc). Then came every picker and junk dealer, then hillbillies and nose pickers and clam diggers and crabbers to and inbred catfish suckers. Then I find the kids watching Sixteen and Pregnant, Catfish (which I get sucked into if it is on so I avoid it) and all sorts of shows about people behaving badly. I forbade anyone in the house to turn on Honey Boo Boo, The Kardasians (I don’t care if this is spelled correctly or not), anyone from New Jersey or any kind of Housewives real or not.  I will say I still will watch Antiques Roadshow and listen to American Pickers and Oddities  but usually in the background.

I’m a great one for watching in the background (it is both a mom thing and a Vampire thing)

But every summer we watch America’s Got Talent (look it up, I did a post every night it was on last summer with cocktails to go with it). But that might change after we watched the movie LIVE about a reality show based on Russian Roulette (everyone who does not die gets $5million). If you haven’t seen that movie you need to. See it this weekend. It will make you think. It will creep you out.  Just watch it.

And don’t even get me started on car auctions, car shoes and sports on TV.

So we do watch a few things (I’ll spare you the list). I’d like to be one of those snobs who say I only read and listen to music and discuss world peace and physics, but I’m not one of those people.  I DO read a lot and discuss world peace and physics, but we do like our movies and TEE VEE. Sometimes.

More Rambling about Vampires and Tee Vee (you may scroll down…Grimm is next)

One thing that we don’t see a lot of are paranormal, spooky or horror based television shows. Really.  But think about it. We’re Vampires. Why would we watch shows about fictional Vampires, Paranormals, Werewolves and heaven forbid Zombies? Most fantasy shows (aside from Game of Thrones) can’t keep my interest.

Yes, I know you can prove me wrong, but it is just me, not you. Plus I can’t watch everything. I have other things to do (like reading, world peace, physics, parenting, driving kids all over the place, Vampire stuff and somewhere in there is a husband.)

However, I grew up on fairy tales. When I was a wee Vampire child I read anything that I could that had to do with horror, paranormal, disasters and the like. Back in the day, way back when I was a kid the fairy tales were Grimm and they were filled with blackness, dread and all sorts of horrible things. I also had my share of Bronte sisters and dime novels of adventures of girls who went the wrong direction only to end up in ruin until they were saved by a handsome man with nothing but virtue on his mind.

But I’m rambling…

On Friday nights we watch Grimm.

Why do Vampires like Grimm? Because the people who aren’t “regular people” live with regular people, just like we do. We have to deal with Vampire Hunters, but of course rarely are they as cute as Nick Burkhardt. The Werewolves we know like Grimm as well. Maybe because it isn’t based on princesses and happily ever after or evil step mother queens.

Anyway, we like Grimm and that is what we’re watching on Fridays. So follow along and I’ll be posting every Friday or Saturday if I can about our reactions.

Last Friday the kids were home so we made it a party. The teens were upstairs in the “office room” watching with their friends. There were snacks (cranberry juice spiked with blood and mixed nuts and kale chips). The grown ups were downstairs. The Werewolves who live around the corner came with their kids and my brother Val brought the ancient elder Vampires Tellias and Eleora with him.

Tellias shows up in a lime green colored leisure suit with a black shirt opened to the middle of his chest, his almost white blonde hair around his shoulders like a waterfall of light. Eleora is wearing a little black dress with a lime green belt and lime green beads with some sort of weird flowered and beaded sweater with her hair in an elaborate beehive. Both are wearing Zorries, you know those cheap flip flops that you get in drug stores that cost a dollar. My brother Val has on vintage tuxedo pants with the satin stripe down the side, a white old fashioned tuxedo shirt with a million little tucks in it, black suspenders and about 5 military metals from Great Britain.  His shoes are red. Red cowboy boots. Sometimes I wonder about him.

I’ve learned not to say anything.

“Nice to see you all dressed up,” my darling husband said.

“I’m taking them out to the clubs downtown tonight.” My brother

“Check the dress codes.”I said.

“We have other shoes in the car” said Tellias.

“Yes, in the car” chimed in Eleora. “Mine are black with bows.”

Good, that was settled.

I pulled Val aside “Do you think that is a good idea bringing them out?”

Val just smiled. “They go to the clubs all the time. They’re really popular with the hipsters. Give them some credit. They’ve been around for a while and they never blow their cover. Plus they’re chick magnets for me.”

“You’re already a chick magnet,” I told my brother.

Teddy made cocktails (recipes next post).

So we all liked the first episode of the new season.

Since I’m running out of time and I’m sure you’re running out of patience with me I’ll make it brief.

Everyone was back.

Nick finally found out Renard and Juliette (great name by the way) were attracted in a violent way. They worked with Monroe (everyone’s favorite) and Rosalee on breaking the spell. And FINALLY Renard and Nick came to a Vessen/Grimm agreement that they must join forces or really really really bad things are going to happen. I have to give it to Renard for being a little big humble and eating some crow. In the meantime the evil Adalind come up positive on her pregnancy test after a night with Renard. Uh Oh. Not good.

So tonight we’ll find out if Nick will be able to finally break Juliette’s spell and if they’ll all live happily after (or not).

We’ll be recording this one since I have to pick Clara up from a formal Middle School Dance and Garrett is going to be playing roller hockey with his friends. But I’ll keep you updated!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

fairytale sleepingbeauty arthurrackhamcrowmice