Vlad’s Vampire Diary: Modern Problems

Dear Diary,

Over 300 years ago when I was King of the Vampires no one wanted to come into my country. I did not care except for one bad winter when my people were going hungry. I antagonized the ruler of a neighboring land. He sent in a large army of hot blooded men. My people were well fed for the rest of the winter and saved.

I miss those times.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

Why was I not told that putting a blow dryer in the sink would cause me to be electrocuted? Until four years ago I did not even know what the word or the very concept of electrocution was.

The blow dryer is an amazing invention that I could have never imagined in my previous life before I was locked in a crypt for 300 years. There has been so much I have missed out on.

There is so much I still do not understand. How was I supposed to know about the dangers of electricity? Why did not anyone tell me of this?

Gillian, my Vampire lover, had left her blow dryer out in my bathroom. A bathroom is another modern marvel that I shall go into sometime in the future. My hair was wet. It is winter. I used the blow dryer.

Several hours later Gillian was shaking my shoulder and calling my name. I was on the bathroom floor. Apparently I had the water running in the sink and somehow the blow dryer became wet.

“Had you been a normal person you’d be dead,” Gillian scolded me.

“By what do you mean a normal person,” I asked her.

“Not a Vampire. I swear Vlad you must be more careful,” she said. “Water and electricity do not mix. EVER.”

“Thank you for telling me,” I said as she helped me up.

She scowled at my sarcastic tone. Women are like that. They give one that look. The look is not a modern thing. It has been going on since time began.

“How does my hair look?” I had to ask.

“Perfect. Your hair always looks perfect,” she said, then she left the room.

I do not understand women anymore than I understand electricity.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I find myself locked out of everything. Not with a key. No, not a key. I am locked out with passwords that do not work.

At one time I, as the King of Vampires, gave out secret passwords for the safety of my kingdom. If I gave one of my subjects a special word I would not then tell him that the word was wrong and that he could not use the same word again and that I would lock him out for thirty minutes no matter how desperate he was to get inside.

No, in this insane world I find myself in I am forced to live in what they call a VIRTUAL world. That means a world where everything is invisible to me. There are no people. There is no help. I am forced to do all of my business in a maze of darkness in which I have no control.

My bank said I had to change my password for my own security. I changed it. Then they said I could not use the new password. Then they said I must have 8 letters, at least one capital letter, and several symbols. I could not use an old password. I put in a new password. They said it would not work and locked me out.

My friend Randolpho said all of his passwords are “Fuckyousuckdick!”

I told Randolpho that he was vulgar and it would end up haunting him. He then told me that he never has problems with his passwords. I find that difficult to believe.

Each time I get on the Internet I must change passwords. Security questions ask things I know nothing of. I did not go to high school. It does not believe my first pet was a unicorn. It asks me questions of things I do not know or have no experience in. Or it will not believe my answers. It. What is it?

One day Randolpho attempted to explain that the brain in a computer was dots and dashes. What are dots and dashes I asked. He could not answer. I think he is, what do they say, pulling my leg. He is telling lies. It is like alchemy. No man can make gold out of nothing. Something is going on that I do not understand. One day I shall find the answer. Maybe not.

I have to admit that a small plastic card is easier than carrying around several pounds of gold coins.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I was out one night, my heart pumping new blood, having a glass of wine when someone caught my attention. Some men were discussing floppy disks in one of those games where they remember their childhood.

“Is that a kind of Frisbee?” I asked. I do know what a Frisbee is. I have friends who have dogs. Dogs love to play with Frisbee disks. My friend Randolpho plays Frisbee Golf in the park with his odd friends.

One of the men laughed and said, “You Millennials are all alike.”

I am 675 years old a far cry from being a millennium old. A thousand years. Yes, it is creeping up on me but I do not look that old.

I asked my love Gillian if I looked ancient or worn out.

“Vlad you always look amazingly good,” she told me.

“Do I look like I am a thousand years old?” I asked.

“No Vlad, you look like you’re about thirty, maybe thirty-two at oldest. You could even pass for younger if you wanted to.”

“Then why,” I asked her, “why did someone call me a millennial?”

Gillian smiled the kind of smile she reserves for children, and for me when I say something wrong.

“Vlad,” she said, “a Millennial is someone born at the turn of the 21st Century. Someone born more or less between the years 1980 and 2000.”

“Have we come to this where we are judged by the years in which we were born. Is this some sort of sooth saying like those who read stars? I thought we were beyond that sort of thing in the 21st Century.”

“It has nothing to do with that. Society and technology changes so fast. Since the Baby Boomers each generation has had their own name.”

“Baby Boomers?” What fresh Hell was that? She did not answer. I think she was done with me. I still found this slightly confusing and somewhat annoying. “So I know nothing,” I said.

“You know more than you give yourself credit for my darling, sweet, precious Vampire,” she said and then kissed me. “There is hope. You are now by default part of the generation that will make things better.”

“Better than what?”

“I’m not sure yet, but they’ll do the right thing.”

I did not argue. I am a Millennial with the soul of an ancient relic. I can only attempt to learn and teach others to learn from the mistakes of history.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

Today I learned that some people do what is called living off of the grid. That is without the Internet or many other modern marvels. They do not wish to be found or seen. They wish a simple time.

I lived in a simple time, but it was not all that simple. People smelled bad, which was awful for Vampires like me. Now our food smells a lot better.

I could go on and on. My point is that when life is good for people then life is good for Vampires. I shall be a crusader for social justice if that is what it would take for all Vampires to have safe and reliable blood sources. You see, I have the mind of a leader for my people, even though I am no longer King of Vampires.

Without the duties of a leader, aside from feeding my cats, I have few beings who depend on me anymore. It is lonely at times, even for a Vampire.

Only to you Dear Diary do I admit this because I am admitting it to just myself.

In the meantime I have made of list of things I must try to understand.

  1. The meaning of the word cute.
  2. Avocado toast.
  3. Fusion in reference to everything
  4. The Dark Web
  5. Bone Broth
  6. Soundcloud (that is thunder or maybe not)
  7. Beard wax
  8. Helicopter Parents
  9. Blue hair
  10. What is a Nickleback and why do people seem to despise it?

I should try to stop this torture in my brain and read a book or just turn on Netflix.

Netflix is something we did not have in my old Vampire castle. Maybe change is good. Like cats. Cats are good.

Cats are always good, no matter how old one is. Especially if one is a Vampire.

~ Vlad

 

Kissed by a Vampire

Kissed by a Vampire

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m going to write to you…

Excuse me while I kiss this guy. What is that about?” I heard Cody’s voice.

I could hear my husband Teddy laughing. “No, Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

He was in the living room with my brother Val and our friend Cody talking about, what else, misunderstood lyrics.

Now Teddy had to show off, “Juliette thought Bryan Adams was singing I’m going to write to you.

I had to defend my reputation, “Hey, it was 1984. People still wrote letters.” Until a few months to ago I thought the lyrics I’m going to run to you were I’m going to write to you. 

I’ve been overhearing and slipping into a lot of conversations lately that seem like I’m just sitting on the edge waiting to slip off and slip away.

Yesterday while at my daughter’s skating practice I overheard some of the spectators talking about how good it was to see all of the children there. We’ve had a lack of kids lately.  One of them said something to me about the boys. It was the the Uber Type A Aggressive mom. Every club of any sort involving children has one of those. I mentioned to her  that it was good to see so many boys in the club now. She mentioned that the thirteen year old male was rude to her girls. I said that all of the little girls pester the jeebers out of the poor kid. That is what little girls do – if there is a boy around. I didn’t blame him for being rude all things considering. I’ve overheard the girls complaining about the said boy, but honestly look at what your daughters say to the kid. Besides that they won’t leave him alone. What is the poor boy to do? No matter what he does they do their best to bother him.

Then Aggressive Mom says, “Which little girls?”

I wanted to tell her, “Why, madam, your bratty little tattle tale princesses pester the crap out of that poor young man.” But instead I said, “All of the girls do it. That is what little girls do.”

Yes, I’m always glad to keep them wondering, least I didn’t spew out vulgar language, as much as I’d love to. And I mean I’d really love to.

I thought now that my daughter is a teenager and my son in college that I would be done with annoying parents. God knows elementary school was full of psycho parents from Hell. You know who I’m talking about. Unfortunately I can’t show my fangs.

This morning some guys were out working on my house and I overheard them talking. I wasn’t really listening in but then my ears alerted me to “I’m tired of being a sugar daddy. Now I have a sugar mama.”

So back to my men.

Clara was upstairs doing homework (her nightly 3-4 hours) so I took a glass of wine and the bottle into the living room with the guys.

Val was talking about a couple he just met. He wants to be their Vampire, which means he wants to add them to his regular donor list. They’re youngish, in their thirties, with hipster style and a taste for microbrews, Beat Poets, and act as though they’ve single handily discovered vinyl records. They’re really sweet people, so says my brother. Both are type A+ blood, Val’s favorite (mine too.)

He had another interesting fact about them. They both want to go Big Foot hunting. Yes, Sasquatch hunting. Searching for the giant people of the old woods and mountains. I should have laughed but even I got the chills and could feel the hair stand up on my arms.

I’ll admit, that being a Vampire, I shouldn’t have this reaction. Sure I heard the stories going way back to when I was a child in the 1860’s. But back when I was a kid anything that moved was likely to be shot, so if the Sasquatch family was around they were shaved and wearing suits and hats, that is if they wanted to stay alive.

I can imagine if there are Big Foots they’d be masters of ease dropping and Tom Foolery.

Then Val mentioned that they would talk about their passion as if it were a huge secret but they’d tell everyone they met about it. That might have been their vetting system. I don’t know. I couldn’t imagine a guy in a waxed mustache and man bun out in the woods chasing around large hairy humanoids. I couldn’t imagine him chasing anything except a round of Brie that had fallen off the kitchen counter and rolled across the floor. But I might be wrong. I have to remember to assume nothing about everything.

“Did you ask them if they’d ever consider hunting Vampires?” I had to ask.

They all laughed.

Then I thought of another song…There’s a Bad Moon on the Rise.

You know, you know, YOU KNOW what everyone thinks THAT sounds like.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

strangereyes

 

 

Things are getting Grimm in the Vampire household

grimm_TV series

Things are getting Grimm in the Vampire household on Friday Nights

We’re watching Grimm on Fridays now (NBC). We have been since the first season. We still are.

These of you who have been following this blog for a while know that in the summer we watch America’s Got Talent and post our opinions here. My kids and I watch. My husband complains and makes cocktails.

Let me ramble for a bit (or you can scroll down to the next bit of big type)

As a rule we don’t watch a lot of reality TV. Let me take that back…we don’t watch contests.

I was just thinking that because my dear husband started watching Antiques Roadshow years ago due to his business (antiquities etc). Then came every picker and junk dealer, then hillbillies and nose pickers and clam diggers and crabbers to and inbred catfish suckers. Then I find the kids watching Sixteen and Pregnant, Catfish (which I get sucked into if it is on so I avoid it) and all sorts of shows about people behaving badly. I forbade anyone in the house to turn on Honey Boo Boo, The Kardasians (I don’t care if this is spelled correctly or not), anyone from New Jersey or any kind of Housewives real or not.  I will say I still will watch Antiques Roadshow and listen to American Pickers and Oddities  but usually in the background.

I’m a great one for watching in the background (it is both a mom thing and a Vampire thing)

But every summer we watch America’s Got Talent (look it up, I did a post every night it was on last summer with cocktails to go with it). But that might change after we watched the movie LIVE about a reality show based on Russian Roulette (everyone who does not die gets $5million). If you haven’t seen that movie you need to. See it this weekend. It will make you think. It will creep you out.  Just watch it.

And don’t even get me started on car auctions, car shoes and sports on TV.

So we do watch a few things (I’ll spare you the list). I’d like to be one of those snobs who say I only read and listen to music and discuss world peace and physics, but I’m not one of those people.  I DO read a lot and discuss world peace and physics, but we do like our movies and TEE VEE. Sometimes.

More Rambling about Vampires and Tee Vee (you may scroll down…Grimm is next)

One thing that we don’t see a lot of are paranormal, spooky or horror based television shows. Really.  But think about it. We’re Vampires. Why would we watch shows about fictional Vampires, Paranormals, Werewolves and heaven forbid Zombies? Most fantasy shows (aside from Game of Thrones) can’t keep my interest.

Yes, I know you can prove me wrong, but it is just me, not you. Plus I can’t watch everything. I have other things to do (like reading, world peace, physics, parenting, driving kids all over the place, Vampire stuff and somewhere in there is a husband.)

However, I grew up on fairy tales. When I was a wee Vampire child I read anything that I could that had to do with horror, paranormal, disasters and the like. Back in the day, way back when I was a kid the fairy tales were Grimm and they were filled with blackness, dread and all sorts of horrible things. I also had my share of Bronte sisters and dime novels of adventures of girls who went the wrong direction only to end up in ruin until they were saved by a handsome man with nothing but virtue on his mind.

But I’m rambling…

On Friday nights we watch Grimm.

Why do Vampires like Grimm? Because the people who aren’t “regular people” live with regular people, just like we do. We have to deal with Vampire Hunters, but of course rarely are they as cute as Nick Burkhardt. The Werewolves we know like Grimm as well. Maybe because it isn’t based on princesses and happily ever after or evil step mother queens.

Anyway, we like Grimm and that is what we’re watching on Fridays. So follow along and I’ll be posting every Friday or Saturday if I can about our reactions.

Last Friday the kids were home so we made it a party. The teens were upstairs in the “office room” watching with their friends. There were snacks (cranberry juice spiked with blood and mixed nuts and kale chips). The grown ups were downstairs. The Werewolves who live around the corner came with their kids and my brother Val brought the ancient elder Vampires Tellias and Eleora with him.

Tellias shows up in a lime green colored leisure suit with a black shirt opened to the middle of his chest, his almost white blonde hair around his shoulders like a waterfall of light. Eleora is wearing a little black dress with a lime green belt and lime green beads with some sort of weird flowered and beaded sweater with her hair in an elaborate beehive. Both are wearing Zorries, you know those cheap flip flops that you get in drug stores that cost a dollar. My brother Val has on vintage tuxedo pants with the satin stripe down the side, a white old fashioned tuxedo shirt with a million little tucks in it, black suspenders and about 5 military metals from Great Britain.  His shoes are red. Red cowboy boots. Sometimes I wonder about him.

I’ve learned not to say anything.

“Nice to see you all dressed up,” my darling husband said.

“I’m taking them out to the clubs downtown tonight.” My brother

“Check the dress codes.”I said.

“We have other shoes in the car” said Tellias.

“Yes, in the car” chimed in Eleora. “Mine are black with bows.”

Good, that was settled.

I pulled Val aside “Do you think that is a good idea bringing them out?”

Val just smiled. “They go to the clubs all the time. They’re really popular with the hipsters. Give them some credit. They’ve been around for a while and they never blow their cover. Plus they’re chick magnets for me.”

“You’re already a chick magnet,” I told my brother.

Teddy made cocktails (recipes next post).

So we all liked the first episode of the new season.

Since I’m running out of time and I’m sure you’re running out of patience with me I’ll make it brief.

Everyone was back.

Nick finally found out Renard and Juliette (great name by the way) were attracted in a violent way. They worked with Monroe (everyone’s favorite) and Rosalee on breaking the spell. And FINALLY Renard and Nick came to a Vessen/Grimm agreement that they must join forces or really really really bad things are going to happen. I have to give it to Renard for being a little big humble and eating some crow. In the meantime the evil Adalind come up positive on her pregnancy test after a night with Renard. Uh Oh. Not good.

So tonight we’ll find out if Nick will be able to finally break Juliette’s spell and if they’ll all live happily after (or not).

We’ll be recording this one since I have to pick Clara up from a formal Middle School Dance and Garrett is going to be playing roller hockey with his friends. But I’ll keep you updated!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

fairytale sleepingbeauty arthurrackhamcrowmice