A Lunch Date With Zombies

A Lunch Date With Zombies

Fridays are usually my lunch hunt date. I switched things up this week and took Cody, my young “Vampire in Training” out with me on Monday.

Lunch dates are fun ways for Vampires to hunt right out in the open. They involve fun, flirting, a bit of seduction and just enough blood to get you going for the weekend ahead. And regular humans never even suspect. They just leave the situation feeling warm and fuzzy, a little tired, and they think they’ve, well, you know.

Cody and I had arranged to meet an old friend of mine at my office with an associate of his. They were Lobbyist for the farming industry (after all we’re in the State Capitol and in the largest agricultural state).  Mike and Melissa. I’m in public relations and do work for them from time to time.

Cody is shy by nature, a sweet likeable young man, but when it comes to hunting he is extremely shy. Most new Vampires can’t wait to get hunting, but with Cody it is more of a sweet romance, rather than just taking what one wants.

So to make a short story long, a guy in a suit shows up at the door. He looks like he’s been to hell and back then I recognize him as Mike. Behind him is Melissa, who is usually the perkiest blonde I’ve ever met, looking ashen and un-perkey.

I wonder if someone died, then realize, somebody has. They don’t smell right. They don’t look right. My stomach turns. Even Cody is picking up on something.

I step back.

“Juliette” says Mike “You have to help us.”

He puts his hand on my arm and I immediately feel it – ZOMBIES.

Funny, likable and extremely smart Mike, a sixth generation California farmer, graduate of UCD (THE Farm School) and successful advocate for the farmer is now…for all practical purposes DEAD.

And don’t give me any crap about being a Vampire. My flesh isn’t rotting and I’m not craving human brains for lunch. Plus I know where my soul is.

I’m confused. Both Mike and Melissa look good, all things considering.

Plus I thought all the Zombies had been confined to a compound in the Mojave Desert outside of Barstow.

“We’ve taken massive amounts of antibiotics to help prevent the rot and we’ve been drinking a lot of embalming fluid. That keeps the smell off and slows down the rot.” Mike told us.

The pair was driving across the Imperial Valley when they were stopped at a roadblock. Little did they know what seemed to be police were actually rogue Zombies.  Later that night they were picked up by the authorities and brought to the super secret Area Z, where Zombies are kept to be monitored and studied.

I thought of long afternoons with Mike and how sweet his blood tasted. I thought of the slow seductions and languid after glows. Now here he was, doing everything he could to keep his skin from falling off in sheets. Holy crap, this was bad.

“What do you need?” I asked.

Mike put a hand to his face, adjusting his left eye back into the socket. “I want you to turn us into Vampires.”

OK, this is where the sound effects do a screeching halt. The very idea of a Zombie is revolting but putting my lips on the flesh of a Zombie and sharing blood. Putrid rotting blood.

“Has this ever been done?” Asked Cody.

“No, or at least never that I’ve heard of.” I said. “So much could go wrong.”

“Nothing could be worse than it is already.” Melissa wailed and watched as her thumbnail fell to the floor along with the tip of her thumb.

I thought about it for a moment then spoke in secret to Cody. I had an idea. If it worked we’d be heroes. If it didn’t we’d have to kill the Zombies, no matter that they were our friends.

I took Cody into the small kitchen area of the office where we bit into our wrists and let our own Vampire blood drain into two coffee cups.

The Zombies drank and before our eyes their skin went from gray to the color of their former living flesh (peaches & cream and coffee & cream – Vampires always think of everyone in terms of food, we can’t help it).

“I won’t turn you, not yet, but see if this helps. Don’t tell a soul, or anyone without a soul. Don’t tell anyone or I will hunt you down and kill you myself. Do you understand?”

They said they understood. I thought my stomach was going to drop out and my head would explode as they left the building.

Cody was about to speak when I told him. “The same goes to you Cody. If you tell a soul I will kill you and it won’t be fast or painless.”

“Got it.” Said Cody. I thought of my favorite movie line and said to Cody. “This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Cody smiled.  Then and there I knew he’d make a great Vampire.

I’ll keep you posted on Mike and Melissa – when and if I hear anything.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Note: Yes, you might have seen this post before. We can’t forget our Zombie friends. They might be falling apart but we still love them.

 

zombie baby and cat

A Lunch Date With Zombies

A Lunch Date With Zombies

Fridays are usually my lunch hunt date. I switched things up this week and took Cody, my young “Vampire in Training” out with me on Monday.

Lunch dates are fun ways for Vampires to hunt right out in the open. They involve fun, flirting, a bit of seduction and just enough blood to get you going for the weekend ahead. And regular humans never even suspect. They just leave the situation feeling warm and fuzzy, a little tired, and they think they’ve, well, you know.

Cody and I had arranged to meet an old friend of mine at my office with an associate of his. They were Lobbyist for the farming industry (after all we’re in the State Capitol and in the largest agricultural state).  Mike and Melissa. I’m in public relations and do work for them from time to time.

Cody is shy by nature, a sweet likeable young man, but when it comes to hunting he is extremely shy. Most new Vampires can’t wait to get hunting, but with Cody it is more of a sweet romance, rather than just taking what one wants.

So to make a short story long, a guy in a suit shows up at the door. He looks like he’s been to hell and back then I recognize him as Mike. Behind him is Melissa, who is usually the perkiest blonde I’ve ever met, looking ashen and un-perkey.

I wonder if someone died, then realize, somebody has. They don’t smell right. They don’t look right. My stomach turns. Even Cody is picking up on something.

I step back.

“Juliette” says Mike “You have to help us.”

He puts his hand on my arm and I immediately feel it – ZOMBIES.

Funny, likable and extremely smart Mike, a sixth generation California farmer, graduate of UCD (THE Farm School) and successful advocate for the farmer is now…for all practical purposes DEAD.

And don’t give me any crap about being a Vampire. My flesh isn’t rotting and I’m not craving human brains for lunch. Plus I know where my soul is.

I’m confused. Both Mike and Melissa look good, all things considering.

Plus I thought all the Zombies had been confined to a compound in the Mojave Desert outside of Barstow.

“We’ve taken massive amounts of antibiotics to help prevent the rot and we’ve been drinking a lot of embalming fluid. That keeps the smell off and slows down the rot.” Mike told us.

The pair was driving across the Imperial Valley when they were stopped at a roadblock. Little did they know what seemed to be police were actually rogue Zombies.  Later that night they were picked up by the authorities and brought to the super secret Area Z, where Zombies are kept to be monitored and studied.

I thought of long afternoons with Mike and how sweet his blood tasted. I thought of the slow seductions and languid after glows. Now here he was, doing everything he could to keep his skin from falling off in sheets. Holy crap, this was bad.

“What do you need?” I asked.

Mike put a hand to his face, adjusting his left eye back into the socket. “I want you to turn us into Vampires.”

OK, this is where the sound effects do a screeching halt. The very idea of a Zombie is revolting but putting my lips on the flesh of a Zombie and sharing blood. Putrid rotting blood.

“Has this ever been done?” Asked Cody.

“No, or at least never that I’ve heard of.” I said. “So much could go wrong.”

“Nothing could be worse than it is already.” Melissa wailed and watched as her thumbnail fell to the floor along with the tip of her thumb.

I thought about it for a moment then spoke in secret to Cody. I had an idea. If it worked we’d be heroes. If it didn’t we’d have to kill the Zombies, no matter that they were our friends.

I took Cody into the small kitchen area of the office where we bit into our wrists and let our own Vampire blood drain into two coffee cups.

The Zombies drank and before our eyes their skin went from gray to the color of their former living flesh (peaches & cream and coffee & cream – Vampires always think of everyone in terms of food, we can’t help it).

“I won’t turn you, not yet, but see if this helps. Don’t tell a soul, or anyone without a soul. Don’t tell anyone or I will hunt you down and kill you myself. Do you understand?”

They said they understood. I thought my stomach was going to drop out and my head would explode as they left the building.

Cody was about to speak when I told him. “The same goes to you Cody. If you tell a soul I will kill you and it won’t be fast or painless.”

“Got it.” Said Cody. I thought of my favorite movie line and said to Cody. “This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Cody smiled.  Then and there I knew he’d make a great Vampire.

I’ll keep you posted on Mike and Melissa – when and if I hear anything.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Note: Yes, you might have seen this post before. Happy Halloween. We can’t forget our Zombie friends tonight. They might be falling apart but we still love them.

 

zombie baby and cat


 

 

A Low Key Vampire Kind of Day

This morning I was watching the huge and incredibly cute squirrels in my backyard eating plums.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. Then I thought I’d blog about it. Then I thought that isn’t exactly the Vampire sort of thing my readers are expecting.

Coyotes have been howling and yipping more than usual. They are the rogue spirits of the night around here. The bats have also been out more and more since the weather has changed and the bug population grows. No, we don’t have blood sucking bats around here, only fruit and insect eaters.

So anyway…

I got a call this morning from my friend Jack.

“Juliette, I want your teeth in my neck.”

Ah, music to my ears. Jack is indeed my all time favorite lunch date.

So that was fun. I’m home now and was working on some illustrations. Well, that and writing my blog.

Sometimes even Vampires have low key days. You know, it isn’t all about being obsessively Gothic or morose. It isn’t always being on the hunt and ready to scare everyone you meet shitless.

School will be out soon. I’m thinking about end of year posts. It was a good year for everyone. I’m looking forward to a busy summer.

I called my brother Andrew how was recovering both mentally and physically from a nasty bout with a Vampire Hunter. I haven’t written much about that except just in passing. It was scary. More so for the ones who attacked him. He called me for the best way to get blood stains out of an antique rug. I told him to take it to a professional.

For those who have followed our summer sillies here – AGT has started and I’m going to start to post on it. Yes, America’s Got Talent and Cocktails will return either tonight or tomorrow. I had notes for last week but didn’t get around to it. For the VM Newbies: We discuss the show, give unedited rude comments from the Vampire Peanut Gallery and my husband Teddy makes cocktails. 

 

vm_eve

 

So summer is here. Chill. Enjoy. Relax. Spend time with those you like and can relate to. And just for kicks and grins maybe have a little bit of adventure. I know I will.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

And if you’re redecorating or need a new super cool shirt, check out my merch page. It is in the right side bar.

 

 

 

Vampire Small Talk

“She just stood there,” my brother Val told me. “Her neck exposed and her hair swept up. When she turned around and smiled at me I had to taste her.”

“So lunch was good?”

“Looked better than she tasted, my God she looked great, but you know how it is sometimes. Not the best but good. Where’d you go?”

“I know a couple of lobbyist downtown by the Capitol building. Oh my gosh one was AB+ with a pretty high alcohol level. If I wasn’t married…”

Then we both laughed.

“That good?”

“Just about. I should take you with me next time.”

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

Metaphysical musings and a visit from the ghost…or what creeps out a vampire part 348.

This afternoon as I drove to pick Clara up from school I passed the tattoo shop where last year a man beat his wife to death with a baseball bat. I can’t get the image of the police tape and the morgue van out of my head.

One of the two main streets in our neck of the woods is an unfortunate but interesting blend of auto repair shops, bars, an abundance of tattoo parlors, small restaurants, a newspaper, pizza places, recycle shacks, self storage, fishing supply stores and a dive rock and roll bar and of course a Wal-Mart. In the early mornings the recycle guys are out picking cans and bottles. The homeless people are waking up. The donut shops are opening. The area is semi rural still so there are a lot of places to set up a hobo camp. Most of them are mentally ill. I have no idea where they came from. Back behind it all are nice neighborhoods that don’t have anything to do with the main street, or at least pretend not to. Or we just laugh about it and call it “character.” A little WT character if you ask me. Oh well.

Someone once described this small stretch of road to me as “quaint” and “small town.” It is the next community over where the shops are nicer and the violent crime rate is higher. Go figure. 

I’m not in a “I hate people” mood today, because despite the rampant ignorance and violence and hate in most parts of the world most people here are OK. I have to admit that I’m in sort of a blah mood but not an “I hate fill-in-the-blank” mood.

My Friday lunch date had to cancel on me today. I always look forward to my Friday lunch dates, as you well know. Anyway, I settled on the owner of a metaphysical book store. We first chatted about the amazing new releases. i smiled and never uttered a word that I think it is all New Age bull shit. Then again he had no idea that one of his favorite customers is a 154 year old Vampire. Oh well. So lunch was type O+ with a hint of local marijuana that I could have done without. But the guy is a sweetheart and my go-to source when I don’t really feel like a hard core hunt. The energy is always weird for me. I feel like a creeper when I go see my crystal singing friend. He is so sweet and I’m not sharing his vibe.

But on a good note,  if he suspects anything he won’t bring out his baseball bat. I know, I know, I know that was in bad taste.

I stopped in front of the school and texted a few friends with invitations. This weekend, this long weekend, I just want to spend with my own kind. I want to get out of the heat and the blinding light of summer. I want to sleep all day.

Clara had a good week, it was low key. There were a few rants about high school both about the other kids and the teachers. We listened. She talked. Her brother took her out for hunt to make her feel better. Teens don’t always want to go out with their parents when it comes to hunts. I don’t blame them, as long as I know where they are.

Wait… excuse me for a minute…

I felt a cold blast of air and looked to see two ice blue eyes and a shock of black hair falling across the left one. He pushed his hair out of his eyes and sat across from me. One never knows when a ghost will show up.

“You know, you ought not to write such glum posts,” he said with a serious look that turned into a snarky smile.

I sat up and rolled my shoulders. “It has been a long day Nigel and I’m not sure I’m even going to post this.”

“You know, Juliette, Vampire, sometimes I feel as if I am centuries older than you are.”

I am exactly a century older than the ghost.

“Do you need something Nigel?” I caught his eyes in mine, but without the effect I have on Regular Humans.

“I’m a ghost. i don’t need anything. But you need sleep and a maybe a vacation. Or… What did you do for lunch today? You’re always happy after your Friday lunch dates.”

I told him out the metaphysical guy and the scent of sandalwood candles and pot and wind chimes and some sort of weird wooden flute music playing in the background. I told him how it made me want to crawl out of my skin into the darkest place I could find.

He laughed.

I had to smile. “Some things dear ghost are even weird for a Vampire.”

We sat looking each other in the eye with some unspoken language between those who live in the shadows. Then I had an idea.

“Nigel,” I said, “Halloween will be here soon, help me with ideas.”

” I’ll come as a dead guy.” Then he laughed and vanished into thin wisp of cold smoke as blue as his eyes.

 

Have a good long weekend everyone,

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

I thought you were lunch

“You thought I was sexy before you knew I was a Werewolf.”

“I thought you were lunch.”

“But we’re still friends, right?”

“Always.”

 

 

Conversations with my friend Adam the Werewolf.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Don't cross a Werewolf.