Write that novel while you’re staying at home. Easy fool proof instructions.

Are you looking for something to do while you’re staying at home?

Look no more! Follow the simple guidelines below and write that best selling novel.

Plot: what happens

Pick up to two.

  • Boy meets girl. Girl calls boy an asshole. Girl changes her mind.
  • Girl is gets engaged. The guy she is engaged to is a dick. She meets someone else. Someone else is better than the dick.
  • Someone is murdered. Everyone tries to figure it out.
  • Someone goes missing. Everyone tries to find missing person. Missing person doesn’t want to be found.
  • Someone is in danger. They meet someone while in danger. They fall in love. The bad guy dies. They are soulmates.
  • Someone gets sick. Then they get better.
  • Someone lives on a farm and longs for another life.
  • Someone lives in the city and longs for another time.
  • Someone finds religion and doesn’t know what to do with it.
  • Someone goes on a treasure hunt but finds that bad guys are looking for the same treasure.
  • Man finds out his wife is cheating and moves out to the wilderness with his children.
  • Woman finds her grown children frustrating so she moves to Italy and falls in love with a dashing man her own age.
  • Rock star goes on a journey to find his long lost family.
  • Someone has something to hide but they aren’t doing it very well. Drama ensues.
  • Someone finds a lot of money but a bad person wants it too.
  • Someone finds a body under their house and decides to bring it back to life.
  • An invasion of frogs and the exciting conclusion
  • Crew goes into space and something goes wrong
  • A quest to find treasure or something. They pick up friends along the way and get into loads of trouble before they FINALLY find what they’re looking for.

 

Twists: unexpected and surprising events

Pick up to five

  • Treasure
  • Ghosts
  • Sasquatch
  • Illness
  • Sex
  • Puppies
  • Politics
  • A big fat lie
  • Poison oak
  • A tall handsome cowboy
  • An angel
  • An unexpected visitor
  • Rabies
  • They get back together
  • Magic
  • Death
  • Robots
  • Explosions
  • Illness
  • A love letter

Ending: what happens in the last few pages

Pick up to three 

  • They get married and happiness happens
  • They get rescued
  • The killer is caught
  • The killer isn’t caught
  • They all laugh about it
  • She loses all of her extra weight and shows them all how fabulous she is.
  • The dog comes home
  • The long lost child comes home.
  • They find the planet
  • They find happiness right where they are
  • Revenge is applied and it is sweet
  • They are ok just the way they are

 

Main character(s)

Pick up to three

  • The detective
  • The man
  • The woman
  • A person who uses they/them pronouns
  • A traveler
  • A person
  • An alien
  • An animal
  • A child
  • Brother Harold who solves mysteries in the Middle Ages

 

Supporting characters: people and other living creatures

Pick up to ten

  • The gay best friend
  • The sassy black woman
  • The Asian friend
  • The pale white friend
  • The other ethnic friend
  • The preacher
  • The talkative child
  • The shy beautiful woman
  • The slut
  • That guy
  • A tall handsome cowboy
  • A prince
  • A princess
  • The husband
  • The wife
  • The kid
  • The sullen teen
  • The mother-in-law
  • The bully from high school
  • The mean boss
  • A rich female business owner
  • The man in charge
  • The politician
  • The best friend from college
  • The mysterious stranger
  • The lady detective
  • The hard boiled detective
  • An alien from another planet
  • The pool boy
  • The ex-girlfriend
  • The ex-husband
  • The children
  • A wizard
  • A witch
  • A wise person
  • A super old granny or grandpa
  • The noisy neighbor
  • The maid
  • The cook
  • The poor guy who is really a rich guy in disguise
  • The female mechanic
  • A Vampire
  • A Werewolf
  • The General
  • The tennis pro
  • The hair dresser
  • The dog
  • The cat
  • The horse
  • The bird
  • The fawn
  • The HUGE moose
  • An elephant
  • An ape in a dinner jacket with an English accent
  • A ghost
  • A fairy
  • A dragon

 

Genre

Pick up to two. It would be easier to pick one but there might be some crossovers.

  • Romance
  • Fantasy
  • Science Fiction
  • Mainstream
  • Cozy mystery
  • Crime/Detective
  • Mystery
  • Urban Fantasy
  • Horror
  • Historic
  • Western
  • Erotica
  • Magical Realism
  • YA
  • Depressing introspective mush
  • Literary
  • An overly gripping family saga
  • Sports

 

Location: Where your story takes place

Pick up to six in case they want to move around

  • Big City
  • Small town
  • Medium City
  • Near the ocean
  • Far far away
  • Florida
  • New York
  • California
  • Texas
  • The West
  • Nebraska
  • Europe
  • Mountains
  • Space
  • On the moon
  • Alien Planet
  • Fairy land
  • I want to build my own world
  • In a well
  • Unspecified
  • Asia
  • Africa
  • New Orleans
  • A swamp
  • Lizard Town
  • The desert
  • Deep dark woods
  • An unspecified chocolate shop
  • A factory
  • A diner
  • A rabbit hole
  • A ship on the high sea
  • A ship on the low sea
  • A castle
  • A police station
  • A raft
  • A cave
  • Wild Canada
  • Tame Canada

 

When

Pick as many as you need but don’t jump around too much

  • Present time
  • Twenty years ago
  • 1960’s
  • 1980’s
  • 1880’s
  • American Civil War
  • English Civil War
  • Russian Revolution
  • California Gold Rush Era
  • Black Plague
  • Roaring 20’s
  • 1600’s
  • American Revolution
  • A few years into the future
  • Way into the future
  • Back to the future
  • Bronze age
  • Roman times
  • Ancient China
  • A long long time ago
  • Not Earth time
  • Caveman Time

 

Chapters: Pick a quantity and stick to it

  • No chapters. Let it freely flow
  • 1-10
  • 11-20
  • 20-248

Sex:

  • Explicite
  • Soft Porn
  • Implied
  • No
  • Hell no
  • What?

Violence:

  • Yes
  • Hell yes
  • No
  • Hell no
  • Implied
  • Maybe a little
  • Nothing but violence

 

Now what?

Look at your list. Put on your face mask. Go for a walk and think about it. Come home. Wash your hands. Leave your shoes by the door. Make some tea/coffee/cocktail/water then put your list in order and start writing.

WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE.

You can do it!!!!

By using these easy lists, in two weeks at home YOU will have a best selling novel. Don’t forget to spell check and edit. Make sure your cover isn’t some crappy ass amateur thing. If you have a good cover who cares what is inside. Right?

Good luck. Have fun. Send links to your book when you’re finished.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 Vampires write love letters too

 

 

 

 

Juliette’s Monday Book Club: Ecotopia

shopping

Ecotopia by Ernest Callenbach

On Christmas morning I found my stocking hung by the chimney with care with a copy of Ernest Callenbach‘s Ecotopia.

The back cover description: Ecotopia was founded when northern California, Oregon, and Washington seceded from the Union to create a “stable-state” ecosystem: the perfect balance between human beings and the environment. Now, twenty years later, this isolated, mysterious nation is welcoming its first officially sanctioned American visitor: New York Times-Post reporter Will Weston.

Skeptical yet curious about this green new world, Weston is determined to report his findings objectively. But from the start, he’s alternately impressed and unsettled by the laws governing Ecotopia’s earth-friendly agenda: energy-efficient “mini-cities” to eliminate urban sprawl, zero-tolerance pollution control, tree worship, ritual war games, and a woman-dominated government that has instituted such peaceful revolutions as the twenty-hour workweek and employee ownership of farms and businesses. His old beliefs challenged, his cynicism replaced by hope, Weston meets a sexually forthright Ecotopian woman and undertakes a relationship whose intensity will lead him to a critical choice between two worlds.

Written in 1975 this novel is still relevant, especially today.

I haven’t read Ecotopia, but I’ll start today.

As a life long resident of California, and explorer of the West Coast and American West I’ve always been fascinated with the idea of California and maybe a few other states breaking off and seceding from the Union. I’m not one of those State of Jefferson folks, but the idea is fascinating (especially in today’s toxic political environment.)

So read along with me. Let me know what you think. My daughter told me that when she found the book at the used bookstore near the University she thought of me.

So happy reading, and wishing you a wonderful 2020 and many, many, many books well worth reading.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman 

March Reading List – Great New Fiction

Morning at the Vineyard
is FREE
for the next few days (until Tuesday.)

Pass it on. Share with your friends. Leave a nice review.

A collection of stories from Vampire Maman: A Vampire hung-over wakes up in the house of serial killers; poetry from a teenage girl brings a Greek god to his knees; elderly vampires, lost loves, a lunch date with zombies and opera singers, and modern vampire family life, fill the pages of this volume with humor, romance, adventure, parenting in this collection of unique tangled tales.
Juliette Kings is a highly innovative and insightful writer with a gift for creating a fantasy world within a “real” world context.

 

Morning at the Vineyard now available on amazon.com (and tell the folks at NPR and the LA Times that this is the best book you've ever read and that they should interview Juliette Kings NOW. Any other media outlet would work as well. Yes, this is shameless but what do you expect? I'm a Vampire. We have no shame.

Morning at the Vineyard now available on amazon.com (and tell the folks at NPR and the LA Times that this is the best book you’ve ever read and that they should interview Juliette Kings NOW. Any other media outlet would work as well. Yes, this is shameless but what do you expect? I’m a Vampire. We have no shame.

 

New!
Exceptional Liars by Marla Todd

Alex Goldstein has a thriving law practice with his wife Tasha Alexander. Life is is good. Well, except for the fact that he drinks too much, and his wife regularly cheats on him. To keep his mind off of his problems Alex writes about by serial killers. His most recent obsession is The Killer of Virtue.

Liz Hobbs is born into a large family of sneaky manipulative children with an unhealthy fear of God only ranks second to the fear of their narcissistic parents. After the murder of her brother and only ally Steve, then the loss of a college scholarship for bad behavior, Liz falls in love. Unfortunately that includes falling into an abusive marriage with relationship counselor Greg Atkinson.

Liz decides to end it all and jumps from a bridge, only to find herself in the bed of her friend Darren Crawford. He isn’t just a friend; he is The Killer of Virtue. Fortunately for Liz, Darren drops dead of natural causes. Now with everyone thinking she is dead, Liz pulls a Huck Finn and runs.

After misreading the phone number of a women’s shelter Liz ends up in office of Alexander and Goldstein. Alex helps her build a new life as his own life falls apart.

Exceptional Liars is a roller coaster ride of a book full of unexpected twists and turns. Witty dialogue and interesting characters makes this book one of the best new novels of 2016.

Just out on Amazon.com (CLICK HERE)

Exceptional Liars by marla Todd

 

Author Information: Marla Todd helps with Vampire Maman from time to time and manages the blog westcoastreview.wordpress.com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

It’s my novel and I’ll cry if I want to (a Vampire’s guide to writing that book)

How to Write A Novel

HA, like you’d really want to hear about it from me – A Vampire Mommy Blogger.

Take that back. I’m a parenting blogger NOT a mommy blogger.

OK back to novel writing.

I’ll give it to you in one of my famous and popular bulleted lists.

  • Don’t just sit down at your writing machine cold. Guaranteed writer’s block. This is for novels, not for blogs. With blogs we’re all Vampires – cold but not unfeeling and anyway it is an entirely different animal.
  • NUMBER ONE MOST IMPORTANT: Come up with great characters. If the characters are compelling and real they can sit in a room with nothing but a couch and a cat for five days and still turn into a best selling novel. Undeveloped characters are BORING.
  • Have a back-story for your characters even if you don’t use it in your book.
  • THINK ABOUT YOUR BOOK when you’re not at your writing machine.  Go over it in your head when you are driving, in the shower, gardening, cleaning house, at work (when you’re not wasting time on Facebook or Twitter) or anywhere. Think about it until it is REAL.
  • Tell a trusted friend your story. If they give you the deer in the headlights look go back and rewrite. If they want to hear more then write more.
  • Early in the process – write an outline. You don’t have to stick with it but try to write one down. Then write up some options.
  • It is ok to rewrite things over and over. It is ok to rework things over and over. It is ok.
  • This is YOUR book and YOUR story. Don’t worry about genres. Don’t worry about what is on the bestseller lists. Don’t worry about what the folks in your writing group think. Don’t worry about what your family will think.
  •  If you self publish fork out the extra money for a good cover. Please nothing will turn your readers (and me) off more than a cover that looks like a 6th grader did it (unless you really are 11 years old). Hire a professional.
  • Worried about offending someone? Don’t. No matter what you do someone will be offended.
  • Have fun. Do this for you.
  • Relax.
  • About Fan Fiction. Please don’t do it. Use your own stories.
  • And remember writing a novel IS a lot of work. It takes time. It is a craft.
  • Don’t feel as if you need to rush it (no matter what your girlfriend, boyfriend, mom, husband says)
  • Don’t’ use overly fancy contrived language. It will suck if you do.
  • Your novel doesn’t need to be deep or meaningful. Really.
  • Don’t Panic!!!!!
  • Read. The books you read don’t have to be like your novel. Sometimes it is better if they aren’t like YOUR book. Just read. Take my word on it. And even if you aren’t writing a novel you need to read.
  • Tell your kids what you’re doing. They’ll be so proud of you.
  • Keep your cat off of the keyboard.
  • You don’t need to bleed or give blood – just write. WRITE.
  • PLEASE be objective and read it over and over and over. Is it as good as the kind of books you like to read?
  • Write it like you feel it! (Thank you Paul)
  • Believe that you CAN write that novel. You’re good. You can do it.

I’ve been working on several books for several years…more than several years. Two are 90% done. Two are about half finished.  All are much better than any writing you’ve seen on this speed writing blog. Do I need to finish them us? Why of course I do. Will I find the time? I have no idea but I would like to finish at least two, maybe three before the kids start college so I’d better get to work.

One is a fantasy/technology/romance, one is a thriller, one is murder mystery involving the Ghost (but I’m not in it, just the Ghost), and one that is going to put me on the bestseller list longer than Dan Brown. NONE are about Vampires. At least four more are in the works as well. I need to get organized (something which generally goes against my nature.)

You might think I’m totally unqualified to write on this subject BUT I read a lot and I hate to waste my time on 400 pages of bad storytelling. An editor can help with bad writing but NOTHING can help bad storytelling. But hey, you’re not here to learn about writing are you? You’re here to maybe get a laugh and learn about silly Vampires.

You can find my short stories on Amazon in some of the WPaD anthologies written under a few other names (I’ll post on that in one of my summer reading list posts or you can search this blog).

In the meantime I’ll keep blogging about parenting the Modern Vampire way.

And keep singing: It’s my novel and I’ll write if I want to.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman (and novelist)

slowwriting