Write that novel while you’re staying at home. Easy fool proof instructions.

Are you looking for something to do while you’re staying at home?

Look no more! Follow the simple guidelines below and write that best selling novel.

Plot: what happens

Pick up to two.

• Boy meets girl. Girl calls boy an asshole. Girl changes her mind.
• Girl is gets engaged. The guy she is engaged to is a dick. She meets someone else. Someone else is better than the dick.
• Someone is murdered. Everyone tries to figure it out.
• Someone goes missing. Everyone tries to find missing person. Missing person doesn’t want to be found.
• Someone is in danger. They meet someone while in danger. They fall in love. The bad guy dies. They are soulmates.
• Someone gets sick. Then they get better.
• Someone lives on a farm and longs for another life.
• Someone lives in the city and longs for another time.
• Someone finds religion and doesn’t know what to do with it.
• Someone goes on a treasure hunt but finds that bad guys are looking for the same treasure.
• Man finds out his wife is cheating and moves out to the wilderness with his children.
• Woman finds her grown children frustrating so she moves to Italy and falls in love with a dashing man her own age.
• Rock star goes on a journey to find his long lost family.
• Someone has something to hide but they aren’t doing it very well. Drama ensues.
• Someone finds a lot of money but a bad person wants it too.
• Someone finds a body under their house and decides to bring it back to life.
• An invasion of frogs and the exciting conclusion
• Crew goes into space and something goes wrong
• A quest to find treasure or something. They pick up friends along the way and get into loads of trouble before they FINALLY find what they’re looking for.

 

Twists: unexpected and surprising events

Pick up to five

• Treasure
• Ghosts
• Sasquatch
• Illness
• Sex
• Puppies
• Politics
• A big fat lie
• Poison oak
• A tall handsome cowboy
• An angel
• An unexpected visitor
• Rabies
• They get back together
• Magic
• Death
• Robots
• Explosions
• Illness
• A love letter

Ending: what happens in the last few pages

Pick up to three 

• They get married and happiness happens
• They get rescued
• The killer is caught
• The killer isn’t caught
• They all laugh about it
• She loses all of her extra weight and shows them all how fabulous she is.
• The dog comes home
• The long lost child comes home.
• They find the planet
• They find happiness right where they are
• Revenge is applied and it is sweet
• They are ok just the way they are

 

Main character(s)

Pick up to three

• The detective
• The man
• The woman
• A person who uses they/them pronouns
• A traveler
• A person
• An alien
• An animal
• A child
• Brother Harold who solves mysteries in the Middle Ages

 

Supporting characters: people and other living creatures

Pick up to ten

• The gay best friend
• The sassy black woman
• The Asian friend
• The pale white friend
• The other ethnic friend
• The preacher
• The talkative child
• The shy beautiful woman
• The slut
• That guy
• A tall handsome cowboy
• A prince
• A princess
• The husband
• The wife
• The kid
• The sullen teen
• The mother-in-law
• The bully from high school
• The mean boss
• A rich female business owner
• The man in charge
• The politician
• The best friend from college
• The mysterious stranger
• The lady detective
• The hard boiled detective
• An alien from another planet
• The pool boy
• The ex-girlfriend
• The ex-husband
• The children
• A wizard
• A witch
• A wise person
• A super old granny or grandpa
• The noisy neighbor
• The maid
• The cook
• The poor guy who is really a rich guy in disguise
• The female mechanic
• A Vampire
• A Werewolf
• The General
• The tennis pro
• The hair dresser
• The dog
• The cat
• The horse
• The bird
• The fawn
• The HUGE moose
• An elephant
• An ape in a dinner jacket with an English accent
• A ghost
• A fairy
• A dragon

 

Genre

Pick up to two. It would be easier to pick one but there might be some crossovers.

• Romance
• Fantasy
• Science Fiction
• Mainstream
• Cozy mystery
• Crime/Detective
• Mystery
• Urban Fantasy
• Horror
• Historic
• Western
• Erotica
• Magical Realism
• YA
• Depressing introspective mush
• Literary
• An overly gripping family saga
• Sports

 

Location: Where your story takes place

Pick up to six in case they want to move around

• Big City
• Small town
• Medium City
• Near the ocean
• Far far away
• Florida
• New York
• California
• Texas
• The West
• Nebraska
• Europe
• Mountains
• Space
• On the moon
• Alien Planet
• Fairy land
• I want to build my own world
• In a well
• Unspecified
• Asia
• Africa
• New Orleans
• A swamp
• Lizard Town
• The desert
• Deep dark woods
• An unspecified chocolate shop
• A factory
• A diner
• A rabbit hole
• A ship on the high sea
• A ship on the low sea
• A castle
• A police station
• A raft
• A cave
• Wild Canada
• Tame Canada

 

When

Pick as many as you need but don’t jump around too much

• Present time
• Twenty years ago
• 1960’s
• 1980’s
• 1880’s
• American Civil War
• English Civil War
• Russian Revolution
• California Gold Rush Era
• Black Plague
• Roaring 20’s
• 1600’s
• American Revolution
• A few years into the future
• Way into the future
• Back to the future
• Bronze age
• Roman times
• Ancient China
• A long long time ago
• Not Earth time
• Caveman Time

 

Chapters: Pick a quantity and stick to it

• No chapters. Let it freely flow
• 1-10
• 11-20
• 20-248

Sex:

• Explicite
• Soft Porn
• Implied
• No
• Hell no
• What?

Violence:

• Yes
• Hell yes
• No
• Hell no
• Implied
• Maybe a little
• Nothing but violence

 

Now what?

Look at your list. Put on your face mask. Go for a walk and think about it. Come home. Wash your hands. Leave your shoes by the door. Make some tea/coffee/cocktail/water then put your list in order and start writing.

WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE.

You can do it!!!!

By using these easy lists, in two weeks at home YOU will have a best selling novel. Don’t forget to spell check and edit. Make sure your cover isn’t some crappy ass amateur thing. If you have a good cover who cares what is inside. Right?

Good luck. Have fun. Send links to your book when you’re finished.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman