Musings on Middle School, Empty Nests, Change, and Cryptozoologists

I used to write horror… I mean posts about Middle School. That seems like a long time ago. The mornings with angry mom’s before their coffee kicked in trying to get their kids out of the mini van door without death or dismemberment. There were those with hormonal rages and anger issues – and that was just the parents. The kids were going through puberty too.

After that we all blew through high school with little or no angst. Yes, parents of wee ones, don’t listen to the people who say in their best witches voices, “Just you wait until that child is in high school. You’ll hate them. They’ll hate you. They’ll be sexed up druggies and there is nothing you can do about it.” Seriously, I kid you not, people say things like that to pregnant women and women with babies. Ignore that shit storm of negativity. Ignore it. Don’t eat that poison apple. Don’t be around people like that.

Last week we were in Orange County taking yet another college tour I believe the child have found a home at UCI  (Zot! Zot! Zot!) aka University of California Irvine.

So in a year I will be living in a home without children. They will always been near. We will text. We will talk. We will send funny things over social media. They will call me and come home for holidays and just because. And I will visit them. You’ve read the blog. You know we’re close.

Aside from a childless house, I’m sure you already know, I’m going through other transitions. Major career changes have turned things in a different direction for me and it is perfect timing. So I’m kind of like an octopus with all of my arms going in different directions.

Oh, I have a joke. I made this one up. What do you call a cat who lives underwater? A quadrapuss. 

Now that I’m doing a do over I’ve made a list of ten things I need to do.

Empty Nest Transition List

  1. Change my job title on LinkedIn to Cryptozoologist.
  2. Paint with wild abandon. Note: I didn’t say whether this is my walls or art. This is a burning question and the answer is BOTH.
  3. Start a Vampire blog. Continue blogging about parenting and Vampires and everything else. I really should start a Werewolf blog or maybe help Nigel start his own blog. Yes, Nigel the Ghost. Or maybe not. 
  4. Learn advanced plumbing.
  5. Landscape my back yard.
  6. Make Vlad’s Vampire Diary into a Major Motion Picture.
  7. Win an Oscar.
  8. Write.
  9. Seek out strange new worlds.
  10. Finish. Anything. Just finish. FINISH.

What is on your list? Oh come on, we can be cryptozoologists together. It will be fun, especially if you become a Vampire too (or if you’re already one.)

My brain is empty. I’ll see you next time for Burning Question #23.

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Vlad and Gillian Make a Movie

And while we’re here… Can you believe the guys in Journey really dressed like this. Cryptozoology.

journey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About those pesky undead folks…

“I thought you were dead.”

“Well technically…I was, a while back, but not anymore. But we all know that it is not the heart but the brain that determines if one is dead or not. That and the presence of a soul. Then again there are those without souls as well. I’d recommend we all stay clear of them. Nasty nasty nasty.” Ramona always had a way of explaining things that made one sit back and worry – that is if you’re human.

So where was I? I should just yell “TURN BACK” because I’m going to ramble now.

My husband deals in antiquities, among other things. He has an office in an old 19th Century building that he guards with a security system from Hell and a service involving several creatures of less than savory lifestyles. He has a staff of four, all Vampires, all experts and very discreet. They don’t do anything illegal but they don’t parade their business around. Ramona and Laurence have worked for him for decades. Camille and Henry started last year.

So when Austin the Hipster Hunter of Vampires saw Teddy’s assistant Ramona and said “I thought you were dead,” she answered him with, “I was, a while back, but not anymore.”  A while back was 1899. Then again he saw her in a morgue about 5 years ago as cold as death and thought she was, well, dead. But that is another story for another time.

I’d stopped by the shop to drop something off to Teddy. Austin, whom I’d met through my brother Aaron was coming in at the same time. Fancy that. A Vampire and a Vampire Hunter go into a “fill in the blank” location of your choice.

Teddy had a necklace that had belonged to a woman who lived in a historic home Austin was restoring. That is why he was there. Austin seemed surprised to see me – a Vampire in broad daylight (sunscreen and transition lenses) going into the same establishment.

So needless to say as we walked through the door and he saw Ramona it was a surprise. They had their little exchange then I gently put my hand on his arm and said, in a private whisper, “Everyone here except you is a Vampire my dear.”

i could feel his arm tense up, maybe to my cold touch or the sound of my calm voice, or just the world Vampire. The Vampires he deals with are the musty old dead things that lurk around basements, abandoned buildings and crypts, living like they’re from a silent horror movie rather and the modern world. They’re more or less soulless vermin. I’m glad someone is getting rid of them – better him than me. I don’t want to deal with those creatures.

“Don’t be uncomfortable.” I told him.

“I’m not uncomfortable, just surprised. A little scared.” He gave me a quick smile, the kind that cute charming guys give when they’re letting you know that they’re feeling in control, even when they aren’t. Ramona looked at us and gave a quick smile back, a sparkle in her large dark eyes.

“No need to be frightened,” I said. “We’re not going to harm you. Remember Austin, we’re on your side. Well, as long as you behave yourself.”

“Austin always behaves,” said Ramona walking him over and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

At that point my husband Teddy comes out and even Austin is taken aback. Teddy is the most handsome man (Regular Human or Vampire) most people have ever seen. After introductions they go into the back room talk about the necklace but there is always an underlying discomfort in the room.

Then I hear Austin laugh and Teddy after him. The chill and the mystery is gone.

After we were all done with out business I walked out with Austin. He’d worked with my brother Aaron the attorney, that is how I met him. He’d heard of my brother Max, because Max hunts Vampire Hunters and rogue Vampires. Maxwell Todd is a legend in both the Regular and Vampire worlds. He is also feared in both worlds.

Austin had no idea that I had two more brothers or that Teddy was my husband. He had no idea Teddy was a Vampire before today. After dealing with the nasty creepy crawler variety of Vampire, Austin was just learning about my kind – the sophisticated Modern Vampire. We’re not a threat, usually.

Austin and people like you, my dear reader, are the few who know about us. And that said, if you saw me on the street you’d have no idea.

I’d started this post with the intention of telling my kids about what to do when you run into someone you used to know and if you’d let them know it was you. What I’m talking about is those situations when you knew someone in 1952 and you run into them and they’re a bit older and you haven’t aged at all. You can say you’re a daughter or grandson or just look puzzled or… the other choice isn’t usually an option.

But my afternoon was more interesting with Austin who is such a nice guy and he really never intended to be a Vampire Hunter. It just happened. Life is like that.

My husband never intended to be a Vampire. I was born that way through a strange chance of genetics and other stranger things I can’t really explain here.

I believe there is a lot of “chance” in life. Most things just happen, not for a reason. Of course that excludes things we choose to do and make happen. Then there are those rare few things that might be “meant to be” like love at first sight or the right cat needing a home. I feel that way about my children, but with the magic of genetics and the gene pool lottery a lot of “chance” was involved.

So by chance a guy walked into a door to check out an antique necklace that had once belonged to the owner of a house he was restoring – and finds himself with five Vampires – and nothing happened.

Anyway, happy Friday everyone and have a good weekend.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Kissed by a Vampire

An afterthought for another post: I’m always surprised at the amount of fun one can have with a fake snake.

Plus I’ve posted a lot more about Vampire Hunters, my brother Max and general Vampire stuff. Just do a search of this blog and you’ll find hundreds of posts on the subject (better than this one I’ll guarantee.)

Disclaimer: This post needs a lot of editing but just read it and fill in the blanks and edit it in your head. I have a few other deadlines I have to get to. Thanks for understanding and reading my crappy writing.

 

 

Vampire guilt and parenting… more musings and general BS

Juliette Vampire Maman

Juliette
Vampire Maman

Someone recently asked me if Vampires have support groups for our guilt about being what we are.

I think not.

What would we talk about? My obsession with tofu? My secret spray on tan? My loathing of black clothing?

Even the lowliest of Vampires, the shadow creepers, the awkward ones who live in the dark underground are no ashamed of who and what they are. They know they have support if they need it. All they have to do is reach out and find another of their kind.

OK that isn’t completely true. But support groups?

I know I’m insensitive. I’m writing myself into a hole. Actually I’m not insensitive. I’m extremely sensitive, but…

I asked my friend Adam the Werewolf about it. He said they just go out for a run in the woods and pee on things when they feel misunderstood. Actually he said, “mark territory.”

Oh right, this is a parenting blog…

My kids were fortunate enough to have a speaker come into their school and talk to them about life and such. Yes, he was a motivational speaker, but not the sort that I have railed against (the con artists). This guy actually helps kids. He lets them know that life is HARD, not all puppies and bunnies. BUT if they stop worrying about the small stuff then the big stuff will be easier. He talked with a lot of kids afterword and from what I hear has helped teens who are sexually abused, bullied or just plain confused.

That brought on discussions about leaders and followers and cults and joiners and the importance of being yourself and being confident and taking control of your life.

I was dealing the other day with Matthew, an old Vampire who has just come out into the modern world, as well as Cody who has been a Vampire less than two years.

What a difference. Matthew was living in the dark almost in hiding. I don’t think he truly ever accepted who and what he is. Cody on the other hand is completely taking control of his situation. It doesn’t help that Cody is sleeping with my great great great grandmother but that is another story.

So, where were we?

Ummmm, Vampires, teens, staying true, self-confidence…

What I have tried to instill into my kids is that you have to be true to yourself. Be proud of yourself. That said, if you want something you have to work for it. That is true with everything, including relationships with others. How you treat others is important. Support, respect differences, encourage openness, and always remember to laugh. Keep a sense of humor. Don’t let your friends brood – and be there for them. Especially with Vampires – we tend to brood. That isn’t a good thing. It is both depressing and unattractive.

That said, and that includes my jaded opinions of almost everything… if you see someone who needs help, is sad, is depressed, is in trouble or confused – help them. Get them the resources they need. Or most of all, just listen. The best advice you can give is silent – just listen. Make tea, hold a hand, go for a walk, bring flowers and just listen. And a hug is good too.

So I will deal with my feelings for tofu on my own and make no excuses. I like tofu. That is ok, even for a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire Maman

And speaking of zombies… musings for being the go-to-person for all things weird

By no fault of my own I seem to be the “go to persons” for all things weird and random.

It is our local “men in black” or so I call them. Crap, everybody calls them that. They come from some undisclosed government agency (we think it is the government but who knows) and we know NOTHING of their personal lives. Do they even have personal lives? Do they come home to tired wives who’ve been working all day and kids and dogs and screaming cats with litter boxes to be changed and ancient relations and…well you get the drift. Who are these guys? But more the case today “Why the Hell are they at MY HOUSE?”

Oh right. Zombies. I don’t know nothing about no stinkin Zombies. OK, I do know about Zombies but I’m not telling these guys anything.

Just because we’re Vampires doesn’t mean that you can come to my home at anytime and make demands.

I figured at that point the neighbors would figure these guys were selling religion or something. Then again my neighbors were weirder than we are so I shouldn’t care.

Standing at the end of my driveway the Ghost (wearing a white silk suit, obviously Italian, and black sunglasses) gave me a sweet smile then flipped me off and vanished. Nothing new there.

The two agents, men I knew well, or at least knew what they were, stood on my front porch next to the cute little “welcome” plaque and pretty wreath with sea shells (what did you expect skulls and an open bucket of blood).

“We understand you know the wereabouts of Michael Owens and Melissa Nelson, two escaped Zombies.” So said one of the men.

I just looked at them and said nothing. They know I’m a Vampire but they also know I have more information about the non-regular world than they’ll ever have access to.

“Listen Juliette, we know they were your friends. We know they contacted you.”

These are the times I wished I had large scary dogs. I just have this one. 45 pounds of pure dog love and goodness.

 Not too scary at 45 pounds and such a sweet face.

Then I remembered that I wasn’t alone.

I heard a voice behind me. “Honey, is someone at the door?”

My husband Teddy and my brother Max came up behind me to see what was going on.

Max and my husband Teddy are imposing to say the least. Max is buffed with broad shoulders and a preference for tight black tee shirts that show off his chest, shoulders and massive biceps. His brown hair is longish, past his collar, giving him that sexy look that women love but sort of rogue looking. Teddy is, well, Teddy. My husband is devastatingly handsome in an almost unreal way and always (unlike his wife) impeccably groomed.

The men at the door gasped. Yes, they gasped, because they were looking at a legend. You see my brother Maxwell is a hunter of Vampire Hunters, Rogue Vampires and whatever evil beings threaten the world in which we (the not so regular ones) live.  He does things that the regular humans in their dark sunglasses and black suits can only dream of. And my husband, well he just looks so unbelievably handsome that it takes your breath away if you’re not used to him.

Anyway, we got rid of them in a nice and polite way. They were warned. I hope they both, for their own health and sanity change profession.  Not much point to that story except it just never seems to end, the little annoying stuff that takes up my nights and days. Thank goodness the kids were out with friends.

Max and Teddy got back to their ball game (did I mention that Vampires love baseball) and I fed the dog.

Pouring a glass of wine I went out on my deck to enjoy some peace and quiet. I’d call my Zombie friends in the morning and help them find a new place to hide.

The Ghost appeared and sat down next to me stretching his long legs out in front of me.

“Interesting evening.” He looked at me through dark sunglasses and smiled.

“To say the least,” I replied.

“I was just thinking today about how my grandfather and I used to laugh until we cried. Then he’d take off his glasses and wipe his eyes. I thought of that today when I took off my glasses when those goons were at your door and wanted to laugh until I cried. Weird how memory works. Damn I miss him so much.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I had some of the best times of my life with him.” His dark glasses vanished and he wiped a tear from his eye and gave me a weak smile. I he hadn’t been a ghost I would have given him a hug.

It is a blessing how we can switch from one subject to another, from one emotion to another, from one memory to the next. It is also a blessing to have friends who are so different, yet we form those bonds of trust and comfort that are hard to break.

So bring on the weirdness, for with it comes…well, I’m not sure what it brings, but it sure makes things interesting.  Well, kind of, sort of.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman