How to Keep Vampires Away (what REALLY works)



I can’t imagine anyone wanting to keep Vampires away. But if you do want to keep anyone from sucking your blood (aside from the IRS and DMV) get the facts.

Forget anything you’ve heard about garlic. You’d be surprised how many Vampires live in Gilroy. I have not one, but two jars of garlic stuffed olives in my refrigerator at home. I can’t imagine a lemon vodka Martini without one.

And forget religion. That won’t help you either. Sure you can pray, but a Vampire wants what a Vampire wants. Sure we’re not all that comfortable in churches. We know we’re not altogether welcome, but a cross, holy water, chants, prayer shawls or other items of faith will not keep us away.

Silver will not kill Vampires or keep us away. Holy Thanksgiving Table Setting, what would I do without my set of Kirk & Sons Repousse Sterling Silver, or my silver candle sticks. That is yet another myth. Of course silver bullets will stop a Werewolf, but if you shoot just about anything in the heart with a silver tipped high-explosive incendiary/armor-piercing ammunition they’ll die. Well, unless it is a ghost or a large dinosaur (think T-Rex.)

The silver thing is yet another myth put out by Witches wishing to corner the precious metals and fine candle stick market. Excuse me, if you want precious metals your best bet is always a reputable Vampire.

Sunlight and reflections from mirrors don’t work either. If I look directly into your eyes (or mine) in a mirror I can the reflection just fine. You’ll see it just fine as well. Now if you break a mirror and try to stab a Vampire in the heart with the shard or cut off it’s head, well, that is just rude. Sure we tend to be light sensitive, some of us more than others, but if we’re really hungry it isn’t going to stop us. Then again, is you’re an asshole about it and start flashing light we’re just going to leave because we’re annoyed. Either that or we’ll stay and give you nightmares for the rest of your life.

What REALLY keeps Vampires away?

We all have our personal preferences.

I asked my kids and my daughter said, “Kim Kardisian’s voice would do it for me.” Very funny kids. But true. The man child agreed, then gave a gravely laugh as young men do.

If you’re still worried about Vampires here are the top THREE things that will keep us away.

Vic’s Vapor Rub

Slather the smelly stuff all over your neck and chest. Yes, even the thought of the stuff repels me and makes me want to drop the biggest F bombs of all time. This is the one sure fire way to keep Vampires away. The smell repulses Vampires and the taste…oh it is vile. No Vampire will invade your space or bite you with Vic’s. Then again it will also turn off anyone else who might want to visit you at night.


Dogs won’t keep us away but Werewolves definitely will. They tend to get nasty when one of us comes around for dinner. Sure Vampires and Werewolves can be friendly. I have friends who are Werewolves. But seriously, if a Vampire is looking for blood they will go somewhere else if Werewolves are in the vicinity.


Vampires DO NOT like the blood of pregnant women. Yes, we’re more accurate than 99.9% of pregnancy tests on the market.

My brother Val, aka Mr. Sophisticated Cool, has a seedier side to his nights. He isn’t above the occasional prowl down to the darker sides of life where there are many more needles than Vampire fangs. He’ll spend a night enjoying toxic cocktails of poisoned blood, but if he finds himself with a pregnant woman’s blood in his system he’ll be puking it up all night long.

Yes, a pregnant woman’s blood makes Vampires sick. Male Vampires become violently ill from the stuff. So if you’re wondering what to expect when you’re expecting – don’t expect Vampires.


Now you know. Have fun, and be careful.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


But then there are always those disturbing images you just can't get out of your head.
But then there are always those disturbing images you just can’t get out of your head.




  1. Yeah! That last one. Yuck factor!

    Love the up to date info on Vampires. What can expect from the media. They do tend to exaggerate about what people fear. But they promote those we should really fear: those who toss around BS to try to become President. Ain’t going to happen. Vampires need to spread the word. I am assuming Vampires can register to vote. There doesn’t exist a prejudice as there are for many humans, I hope. I would get the sense Vampires would lean toward Freedom & not a Nazi Regime taking over.

    It’s all relative. Thanks Julliette

  2. You know, your brother could do the whole world a favour by taking out the media freakshow going on over with you folks right now. Get rid of all these nasty tabloid journalists and make the world a nicer place!!

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