The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Vampires

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Vampires

Our character is a reflection (no pun intended) of who we are, and THAT reflection is made up of HABITS.

We might think that habits are nothing to be bothered and nothing but odd bits of manners, but in reality we’re Vampires, so we’re odd, so we definitely need habits for success. Seven is also an odd number, so we need seven habits. That is unless you’re the seventh son of a seventh son, then I can’t help you. Nobody can help you.

You can be proactive, reactive, inactive, radioactive, or even retroactive. It is always your choice, depending on what important habits you decide to incorporate into your existence.

People often ask self-help guys, “Why can’t children do their work cheerfully?” Holy crap, I can’t do my own work cheerfully. Have you ever thought about talking with your kids, telling them exactly what you expect, explaining consequences, then not being wishy washy about it or an asshole? Communications is always the key. You don’t need a book to tell you that. Just listen to the Vampire. Listen to yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Don’t be a jerk.

People also ask self-help guys, “How can I make a lot of money?” Work. Work hard. Work smart. Save. Go back to school. There is no EASY way, so stop being a jackass looking for that pot of gold. Those little green trolls aren’t giving up anything. Yes, and your wife, and your kids think you’re a jackass.

You can be a leader, a follower, or someone who just doesn’t give a fuck about what anyone else thinks. In light of recent political events the later might be the best option. Well, that and the fact that you’re a Vampire.


HABITS 1 - 4
HABITS 1 – 4


Habit 1: Be Aggressive

Some call it being proactive, but you’re a Vampire so call it what it is. Be aggressive. It is a cold and dark world out there for our kind. Improve your existence by being proactive and not letting anything get in the way of you and your next victim donor.

Habit 2: Begin with an Objective.

Write yourself a mission statement. Mine is: Don’t sweat the small stuff cause Vampires don’t sweat.

Habit 3: Go ahead – Put it off.

You’re a Vampire. You have time. You have a lot of time. So take your time. No need to rush anything.

Habit 4: You ALWAYS win.

This isn’t a Win/Win world for Vampires. You must ALWAYS win. The key is to make your donors think that they are winning. Don’t just leave them with a pint less of blood, a sore neck, and a queasy feeling. Leave them with sweet dreams. Leave a basket of fresh baked cookies, and juice to help get their blood sugars back up. And if you run into a jerk – then leave that person with nightmares he or she will never forget – because YOU ALWAYS WIN.

HABITS 5 - 6
HABITS 5 – 6

Habit 5: It doesn’t matter what they think

Over the years I’ve helped a lot of new Vampires break in their fangs, and adjust a different kind of life. As a Vampire you can’t be all of that concerned with the feelings of others. Nobody wants fangs in their warm plump neck veins. What they do want is you listening to them empathically. Then you lull them into a trance and have your fill. Don’t be overly concerned about asking if it is ok, or if their feelings are going to be hurt. This isn’t the time to be concerned with their point of view. It is time for YOU and what YOU think.

Habit 6: Take advantage

Use your natural Vampire charm and cunning to gain their trust. Communication is the key to leverage your views and desires. Engage with them and use their faults to make them think everything is their idea. They’ll have themselves in the morning, but you’ll have a nice warm stomach full of blood.

HABIT 7: Throw them a fast ball, then throw them a curve ball – they’ll never know what hit them.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Knife and Use it.

Maintain physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of your life in a well balanced way. Bahahahahahahha. Like that is going to happen. Just do what you need to do. You’re a Vampire. Throw them a fast ball, then throw them a curve ball – they’ll never know what hit them.


The previous statements might or might not be the opinion of this blog or whatever. This is just for fun (maybe), and not intended to be taken seriously (unless you’re a Vampire.)

You KNOW how I feel about self-help books, parenting books, boring books, and books with missing pages – not much.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




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