Vlad’s Vampire Diary: April’s Fool

Dear Diary,

After being locked in a crypt for three hundred years my friends have told me many things to watch out for.

• Do not talk to anyone who says they are tax men.
• Nigerian banks are not real.
• Do not take up smoking.
• Do not listen to those who say the Earth is flat, and that men never walked on the moon.

The list goes on and it is ridiculous that obvious absurdities are not legitimate business or true. I was away for a while but I did not come back with the mind of a child.

I do not understand many things but I am not an idiot.

So this morning my friend Randolpho, whom I have known for over six hundred years  came to my house and said, “I have to show you something.”

“Then show me,” I said.

He put out his hand and there on his palm were two fangs.

“What is this?” I asked.

“I am no longer a Vampire,” Randolpho said.

I asked him how such a thing could have happened. He told me that he went to meet friends the night before and while walking down the street was pulled into a basement and injected with a powerful drug. It burned through his body. He thought was on fire. The he passed out. When he awoke in the morning his skin was warm, and his fangs had fallen out. He was hungry for real food, like bagels, and cake, and things Vampires do not eat. He said he felt suddenly vulnerable and fragile.

“The drug I was given turned me into a normal person. Vlad I am no longer a Vampire.”

“Do you wish me turn you back into a Vampire?” I asked.

“Are you not curious about the drug?” Asked Randolpho.

“Of course I am,” I said, “but I am more concerned by your well being.”

Then he laughed and yelled, “April Fool.”

I looked around and did not see anyone. “Why are you laughing Randolpho?”

“It is April 1st. April Fools Day! It is a day for jokes.”

“Not being a Vampire is no joke,” I said.

“I fooled you didn’t I?” Randolpho laughed again.

“Stop laughing'” I said, “or I will find a Witch to turn you into a baboon.”

“I can’t believe you fell for that Vlad,” he said, still laughing.

“I am serious,” I told him, “I will have you turned into a baboon.”

I wonder if Witches have Yelp pages.

~ Vlad

 

 

Dear Diary,

The morning has passed and I long for the night. Afternoon rain is coming down and making me feel calm after Randolpho’s incessant joking.

My love Gillian came to my house.

As I let her through the door I said, “Please, Gillian, no fooling around today. I have had enough of that.”

“Fine,” she said then turned to walk out the door.

“What?” I asked.

“What do you mean what? What is up your ass today?”

“April Fool Day,” I told her, then I told her that nothing was up my ass. Then I told her about Randolpho’s prank.

“So I can stay?”

“Of course,” I said. Then I kissed her. No fooling. I am dead serious. No pun intended.

I will leave the rest to your imagination.

~ Vlad

This has been the 47th entry of Vlad’s Vampire Diary. Click Here to read Vlad’s diary from the beginning.