Vlad’s Vampire Diary: Grocery Store Adventures

Dear Diary,

The pandemic is still without end. 

For a Vampire such as myself this is only a minor inconvenience. For my friend Cassie who owns a bar it has been devastating. Her business is nonexistent right now. To make matters much more grim she and her bartender Diego will not be able to see their families on the holiday of giving thanks called Thanksgiving.

To help support our friends my Vampire lover Gillian, and my Vampire friends Randolpho and Constantine will make a Thanksgiving feast for Cassie and Diego. 

I have never made a Thanksgiving feast. Gillian said she can cook. She knows how. I asked her what I could do to help. I understand that is the polite thing to do. She said I could help and gave me a list of things that needed to be purchased at the grocery store. 

When I was King of Vampires years ago, before I was locked in a crypt for three hundred years, I did not have to cook. I was the King, and I am a Vampire.  

I have gone to the grocery store for cat food but never explored the abundance of wonders to be found in the isles until today. 

Gillian’s list looked easy enough.

• Flour
• White Sugar
• Baking soda
• Baking powder
• Salt
• Onions
• Brown Sugar
• Green Beans (fresh if they have them)
• Potatoes
• Mushrooms
• Half and Half
• Shortening
• Butter
• Pumpkin
• Whiskey
• Rolls
• Cream Cheese
• Whiskey
• 2 dozen eggs
• Cranberries
• Oranges
• Sage Sausage
• Corn meal
• Heavy Whipping Cream

As I walked through the grocery story, wearing a mask of course, I found myself in a somewhat confusing wonderland of human food. I was confounded by Gillian’s list.

• Pumpkin

I could not find pumpkins. Instead I put two acorn squashes in my cart. It is fall. Acorns are fall vegetables. Acorn squashes will do nicely.

• Shortening

I do not know what this is or what needs to be shortened?

• Rolls

I am not sure what she means by this. It might be something round. I ask a worker where the rolls are. He tells me in the bakery section.

There were pies. Beautiful pies. I got a large apple pie for Cassie. I know Cassie likes apples. 

There were also bags of small bread balls called donut holes. I thought they would roll better than anything else I saw. I got two dozen of them, which is twenty four.

• Butter

I did not know which kind to get so I got unsalted butter, peanut butter, and cashew butter. 

• Turkey

Finding a turkey was easy. There were also vast amounts of blood red meat. I got several large pieces for later. That will be a treat.

• Potatoes

I did not know how many to get so I got two red potatoes. I am a Vampire. I like red.

• Baking Soda

I could not find anything called baking soda. I put a bottle of something called Club Soda in the basket. It was the closest I could find. It has bubbles. I think it will do nicely for whatever Gillian was going to make. I will make a joke and tell her that now we belong to the club.

• Baking Powder

I found baby powder. What madness is that? I did not get powder of any kind.

• Cream Cheese

I found cream by the milk. Near it was something called half and half. I put a container of that in my basket. Then I went in search of cheese.  I liked the name Monterey Jack. I do not know who he is but I might like to share a glass of whiskey with him. I also got Swiss cheese, smokes Gouda, and Sharp Cheddar cheese. 

• Sage Sausage

I do not know if that means it is smart sausage or seasoned with herbs. I will assume it is the herbs.

• Corn meal

I looked all over the freezer section for corn meals and in the deli section for a corn meal. Nothing. Into the cart went three cans of corn. That would make a nice meal for someone who wanted corn. They could mix it with the cranberries.

• Heavy Whipping Cream

What fresh hell is that? There will be no whipping on Thanksgiving Day with friends. 2020 was bad enough without any additional violence. I do not know what Gillian was asking for when she put that on the list.

• Mushrooms

I assumed Gillian did not want the poisonous kind. None of the mushrooms were marked poisonous so I got several of each kind. They all looked beautiful

When I arrived home Gillian was waiting for me as I brought the groceries into the house. She said unpacked the groceries then said, “It’s a good thing you’re so cute.”

Then she took my hand and led me upstairs and made love to me as only a Vampire lover can. Bliss. I guess that was my reward for a job well done.

~ Vlad

This has been the 65th installment of Vlad’s Vampire Diary. Click HERE to read more entries.