Vlad’s Vampire Diary: Goblins and Gourds

Dear Diary,

Today, at dusk, I smelled smoke. That is never good. Gillian, my Vampire love, put down the bottle of she was opening, took my hand, and we went out to my backyard to investigate.

There, THERE in MY YARD, was a Goblin roasting gourds from my garden on a small fire. The vile little creature had dug up round river rocks from my hard and built a fire ring.

“I did not know Goblins lived here,” I said to Gillian.

“Holy shit,” she said. I do not know why she uses such expressions for Goblins are not holy, but I will have to admit they are shit.

The Goblin slowly turned it’s ugly head to face us. It grinned with pointed teeth and looked at Gillian with yellow eyes. Then it put two of it’s clawed fingers up to that ugly mouth and put it’s gray tongue through the V and wiggled it around.

Gillian picked up a shovel and pounded the Goblin with it. Green blood flew everywhere. Goblin bits sizzled and smoked burning the surrounding plants. I tried to get the shovel out of Gillian’s hands but she pushed me away with such force that I lost my balance and almost fell down. I am not a small man but when Gillian is angry she is a force of nature. Finally when there was no Goblin left to beat with the shovel she stopped.

Then she started shoveling up the bits left over.

“What are you doing?” I almost yelled at her.

“I don’t want any animals to come by and eat any of this mess,” she said so sweetly that it almost hurt my heart. Vampire women are like that. They show violence that even shocks a Vampire King, then turn around and drip with concern and innocence. That is why I love her so much.

I pulled the garbage can down and we cleared out the Goblin mess.

“Where do the Goblins come from? I have never seen them around here,” I said.

“I don’t know but they’re worse than rats and roaches if they infest your home. Yuck. They’re so disgusting.”

Gillian cracked the handle of the shovel over her pretty knee and threw the shovel into the garbage can with the Goblin bits, cat litter, and other trash.

Inside the house she pulled off her shirt and jeans, and stood in front of me wearing nothing but a lacy black bra and something extreamy small and lacy on the bottom.

“Vlad, would you like to take a shower with me?”

Of course I would. How could I say no? I do have to admit I was glad there were no shovels in the bathroom.

~ Vlad

Dear Diary,

Over 300 years ago when I was Vampire King it seemed like everything was easier. We had no electricity, or good transportation, or washing machines, or hardware stores where we could easily replace shovels used to beat Goblins to death, but things were more defined, and well, simple.

I shall not lament on how my life was before I was locked in a crypt for 300 years against my will. It was good. Better? I do not know. Maybe just different.

At least people are cleaner now which, for Vampires, makes meals a lot nicer. One does not have to watch for lice or fleas jumping out of hair or crawling on collars.

Now that I do not have 30,000 or so souls, and soulless folks to watch over, I am able to spend my time doing other things. What do the ladies I know call it? Me time. I have me time.

This morning I deep conditioned my hair. It it now even more silky and shiny than it was before. I grow gourds and roses in my garden without the help of gardeners. I spend time with my cats. I also spend even more time with Gillian with or without her black lace bra.

There are times when I wonder what happened to my beloved citizens of my beloved Vampire Kingdom when I vanished. Aside from my friend Randolpho and a few others they all seemed to vanish in the wind. No amount of research has resulted in anything about my people or my kingdom. Nothing. Yet, I am here in a land where women turn their heads and call me cute, not knowing that I could drain the blood from their bodies in less than an hour, with a smile on both my face and theirs.


My cat just walked over the keyboard. It is time for me to give her treats.

I was thinking too much anyway. Tonight I will meet in the cool autumn night with friends old and new, and think of better things to come. It will be good. After all I am the Vampire King, and I am cute, so I can always make it good.

~ Vlad

This has been the 75th installment of Vlad’s Vampire Diary. To read Vlad’s story and his evolution as a citizen of the 21st Century CLICK HERE.


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