I find that I still am amazed at what is called the Modern World. After spending three hundred years locked in a crypt, which I have been out of for three years, new experiences still abound.
There is water in my house which I can use anytime. IN MY HOUSE. Last night as I was getting out of my car my neighbor Dan walked by with his dog. I asked him if he knew what to do when one’s kitchen sink no longer worked. After some conversation about things that made no sense to me, I invited Dan in to look at my sink. He said the faucet needed to be replaced. Then the good man offered to teach me to do it myself.
“I don’t know why dads don’t teach their sons to fix things anymore,” Dan said to me.
I did not tell Dan that my father was a Vampire King nine hundred years ago.
Dan made a list of things for me to get at a place he called the hardware store. This morning I took the list and had one of the most profound adventures of my existence.
I drove my Tesla (it is quiet like a Vampire) to a place called “Lowes.” Large displays of Halloween lights, electronic Jack-o-lanterns, Yule trees, outdoor furniture, grills, and poisons greeted me as I waked into the door. I held my list, ignoring it, as I was drawn to the paint. I took many small cards of color to bring home and compare on my walls. Next to the paint was a large display of electric lights. Into my basket I put a light of blue and silver to put in my entry way. Dan would show me how to put it in.
As I walked up and down the isles I saw tools of all kinds. There were tools that resembled tools that men used when I was a child, as well as tools that would screw, hammer, cut, sand, bolt, grind, build, and destroy. There were tools that were run by hand, by electricity, by gas, and by air. I put a hammer and a set of screwdrivers into my Cart. I am tired of using a rock and butter knives to pound and unscrew things at my home. But why must I screw by hand. There are electric cordless rechargeable screwdrivers! Into my cart I put one. I love this thing called electricity.
Then I saw it, the ultimate tool that every male must possess, a chain saw. I put it in my cart as well.
There were tall racks of lumber, bags of bark, pots for plants, trees, machines for washing laundry, kitchen sinks. And near the kitchen sinks I found faucets. Hundreds of faucets. I could not choose. I am a Vampire not a cook.
A female worker walked up to me and asked if she could help me with anything. I do like this modern world where women can help me with traditionally manly pursuits. She helped me pick out this faucet.
I thanked her for her help. I could feel her heart beating faster. As I left I could hear, for I am a Vampire and I can hear everything, I could hear the other workers gathering around her. “OH MY GOD HE IS SO CUTE,” they all said.
How can I be cute? I have a kitchen faucet and a chain saw in my rolling shopping cart? I do not understand this cute.
I came out of the store with a kitchen sink faucet, a gas powered chain saw, an electric Jack-o-Lantern, an electric cordless drill, a hammer, a set of screw drivers, fifty yellow daffodil bulbs, a screwdriver set, 120 paint chip samples, a blue and silver light fixture, WD40, an extra set of house keys, a pet door, wood glue, 5 cans of black spray paint, a gallon jug of Simple Green, a box of 50 gallon leaf bags, leather work gloves, a Halloween themed door mat with a ghost on it, a dwarf lime tree, a hack saw, and a small container of small nails, and a shovel.
I feel like a king again.
I thought about my father today. He used a staff of somnambulists to bring water into the castle. As a child I would watch them as they moved about the castle in silence. They lived in a world of dreams without a will of their own. It was a good life until the Witch Babbaeliza whom, despite her great beauty, my father refused to have as a lover, came to the castle and woke all of the somnambulists up. They ran away into the forest of Werewolves and never came back. I do not know what happened to them. Babbaeliza was thrown into a dungeon and is still there as far as I know. The days of my father were strange indeed.
Tonight I was out with my friend Randolpho. He is also a Vampire like me.
At the end of the bar was a group of young Vampires. They did not look younger than Randolpho and me, the had just not been Vampires as long. At most they were maybe a hundred years old. They were dressed as what Randolpho and the bartender Cassie called Hipsters. I asked them what is a Hipster. Both Randolpho and Cassie used words like trendsetters, vintage, pretentious, and fancy beards. I failed to understand. They were no threat to me.
One of the young Vampires, a fellow named Troy got up and walked across the room. Randolpho followed Troy with his eyes then looked back to me with a disgusted look on his face, as if someone had put a dead fish in his shoe.
“He’s such a tool,” said Randolpho under his breath.
“Because he is useful,” I said.
“No,” said Randolpho, “because he is an asshole and rolls over like a dog to get approval of his friends.”
“I see.” I said.
I did not quite see but I will take his word on it.
I imagined Troy on the ground rolling and grunting like a dog. Then I put the thought out of my head.
Yesterday night my love Gillian and I lounged in my home with glasses of wine and our own company. She looked beautiful wearing one of my white dress shirts, leggings, and a string of pearls I had given her in 1660. I remember the night. It was cold, the sky full of stars, and my heart full of love. I kissed her bare shoulder then fastened the pearls around her neck.
Last night Gillian’s feet were bare with her toe nails painted red. Her fingernails were also a glossy red like fresh blood. I was tempted to lick them. I have to smile at the little things she does to make herself beautiful.
Our bellies were full of fresh blood from an early dinner. We had met a delightful couple at an art walk and spend some time with them. He owned the art gallery. She said she was a local city council member. I smiled knowing she knew nothing of running a government.
An art walk is where one walks down a street where people view art and drink alcohol and pretend they know about art and alcohol. The art was mostly pleasant. I did not drink any alcohol but the blood was exceptional.
As Gillian and I sat together, as I kissed kissed her and was losing myself in her cool embrace, there was a great noise in the entry way of my house. Jane my coyote dog began to yip. The cats ran out of the room.
Three individuals dressed in black came into the room.
“Don’t look them in the eyes,” yelled one.
I held up my hands and attempted to catch their eyes, for if I make contact I, the Vampire, will have control. “Please, gentlemen,” I said. “What do you need. Tell me.”
“Fucking asshole Vampire hunters,” Gillian hissed under her breath as she barred her fangs.
I am always astonished at her use of foul language. She ran from the room. I wondered why she would leave me at such a time.
“Go for the heart and the head,” said one of the men. Then they raised their guns and started to shoot.
“Please there is no need for this,” I barred my fangs. I was about to attack when I was hit in the arm with a bullet. Then another one hit my shoulder, knocking me back down the couch. That piece of furniture was ruined. Then another bullet skimmed my cheek. These men were horrible shots. They should have killed me already.
Suddenly as I saw one come out with a wooden stake and a large sword to cut off my head, and one had pliers to take my fangs, Gillian returned. She had the chain saw and was walking towards the Vampire Hunters. The chain saw was running. It was loud. My love waved it in front of the Vampire Hunters, cutting one of them in the arm. He fell, dropping his gun. The others grabbed him and ran. By the time they had turned the corner of the street in their car I could hear sirens. Police charged into the house. I stood still, bleeding out my dinner.
Gillian stood in my white shirt, now streaked with blood, wearing her beautiful pearls, and holding the chain saw. I have never seen a woman look so beautiful or powerful.
A man came to me and told me to sit. He told me I was cold. He said was freezing. I did not have the heart to tell him that I am a Vampire. He said I would have to go to the hospital. I ignored him as I watched the policemen speak with Gillian. I glanced outside of the window and could see my neighbors standing out in the street.
I told the man, the one called a paramedic, that I would take the bullets out myself. It was no problem. He said I must go to the hospital. He said the police needed the bullets. I asked about the budget. Did they not have enough money for new bullets? He looked at me oddly and said they needed the bullets for evidence. A gun had also been left by the Vampire Hunters. Gillian said she doubted if it was registered. We told the truth to the police. We did not know these men.
At the hospital I was covered with heated blankets. It was a wonderful place full of commotion. The nurse put a needle in my arm. She told me that she was going to give me blood. I should go back more often. They hovered around me because my pulse was weak. Not weak for a Vampire. Obviously they do not teach about Vampires in medical school.
As I lay back on a bed with blood pulsing through my arms, and Gillian sitting near me, the white shirt now streaked with red blood, I could hear the hospital workers whispering to each other in the hallway. They spoke to each other to go see the beautiful couple in room 33A. I heard someone say, “they look like movie stars.”
At dawn I talked them into letting me go. I was full of blood and ready to sleep off the day. We went back to Gillian’s house together, after we’d packed up the Coyote and my two cats.
I will recommend every Vampire I know obtain a chain saw.
My neighbors all called Gillian to find out if I was alright. She told them I was fine and told them thank you. She also assured them that I would be home by Halloween. And so I will be.
Gillian is hardly at her own home. She spends most of her time with me. Perhaps I should change that situation. Perhaps…
This post is #33 in the Vampire Diary series here at Vampiremaman.com