An Astonishing Catch
Joe Green and his best friend Hiram Alberts thought they were out for just another day of fishing along the Sacramento River.
“We put the boat in at Discovery Park as usual. Nothing different than every other early Saturday morning fishing trip,” Green told our reporters.
“Yeah,” said Hiram Alberts. “I’d brought coffee, donuts, and fried chicken for later, plus the usual supply of fun size candy bars, cheese for the fish, and some bottles of water. We don’t drink on these trips. Too early in the morning for beer.”
The two men took their 18 foot fishing boat south towards the Delta. About two miles down past the city of Sacramento, they stopped and threw out a couple of lines.
“We were hoping for some stripers or maybe even a trout, or salmon,” said Green.
“Even a sturgeon would have been nice,” said Alberts. “There used to be huge sturgeon. Some were over 6 feet long. Those days are gone.”
When our reporter Ace Monroe asked what the largest things living in the river were the men looked at each other, then nodded.
“Every once in a while,” said Green, “a seal or even a dolphin comes all the way up from the San Francisco bay to Sacramento. A few years ago a group of young male seals came and camped out on the docks in Old Sacramento.”
Alberts nodded in agreement. “Humphry the Humpback Whale back in 1985 was under the Rio Vista bridge. That’s just about a mile from where we were fishing yesterday. A 40 foot whale. Can you imagine? My dad and I drove over to see that whale. It was just amazing.”
“It was,” said Green, “but nothing like what we caught yesterday.”
“I’m still floored” said Alberts. “I never imagined I’d ever see anything like what Joe hooked yesterday.”
“At first I thought it was a body,” said Green.
“A body?” Ace Monroe asked. “Was anyone missing?”
“I don’t know,” said Green. “Someone is always missing. With all the drunks driving down the river road at night, and all of the homeless folks wandering around near Sacramento you never know what you’ll find bobbing up in the mornings or washing up and getting tangled in the brush along the shore.”
Alberts nodded. “My sister is a fish and game officer. She said they’re always dragging up bodies and body parts. Not every day, but enough for it to ruin your week, if you know what I mean.”
Joe Green is a college art professor at nearby UC Davis. Hiram Alberts owns a pawn shop and art gallery. They describe themselves as normal family guys with nice wives and great kids. Neither one has a history of weird or unusual behavior.
Ace Monroe reported that he had no idea what these two middle aged pals were going to show him.
“We thought we’d found a body of a woman,” said Joe Green, but when we reached down to grab her, she grabbed our arms with her hands. Her webbed hands! Then a huge tail flipped and knocked against the boat. I thought maybe a giant sturgeon or maybe even a wayward shark, or a seal or something had attacked her. Then Hiram said holy fuck Joe, and I saw what he saw.”
Alberts finished the story, “She was a mermaid. A real life mermaid. I mean, Joe has painted plenty of mermaids over the years, but none of them looked like her. Sure she had the long blonde hair, the pale skin, and big green eyes, but that gal had some teeth on her. Big sharp teeth like a Muskie or a Pike.”
“Or a seal,” said Green.
“Yeah, more like a seal but sharper,” said Alberts.
“Then what happened?” Ace asked.
“She asked us for a favor,” said Alberts.
“What do you mean favor,” asked the reporter.
“She needed a ride back to the ocean,” said Green. “She said she’d been washed down river after the last big storm and was lost.”
“We did what anyone would,” said Alberts. “We helped her out.”
They both pulled out their phones and showed Ace Monroe photographs of the Mermaid. She told them her name was Janice.
“Now what are you going to do?” Ace Monroe asked. The story was astonishing, and Ace hoped it wouldn’t be the end.
“We exchanged numbers,” said Green.
Yes, Mermaids have phones. You read it here. Mermaids have phones.
Janice the storm swept Mermaid called them the morning after they left her in San Francisco Bay and told them she was on her way down to Southern California to meet with her family. She’d just had a great meal of clams and salmon with some sea otters. Janice had also gotten in touch with Albert’s sister at Fish and Game to tell her that everything was alright with the Mermaid community.
Then Janice told them they were now all friends for life. We don’t know what the lifespan of a Mermaid is, but we’re hoping it is a long long time.
Vampire Maman 