Vlad’s Vampire Diary: A Squirrel Walked Into A Bar (and it was cute)

A short tale about a night at a bar made even longer and more rambling by Vlad, King of Vampires.

Vlad’s Vampire Diary: A Squirrel Walked Into A Bar

Dear Diary,

My friend Randolpho suggested we go up to the mountains to a place called Donner Lake. 

“James invited us to his cabin,” he said. “We can even go skiing. The snow will be amazing.”

“Donner Lake was where a group of people were trapped for the winter and turned to cannibalism,” I said.

Randolpho scowled at me as he always does. “That was in 1846. It was also probably one of the most poorly planned trips in the history of anywhere. A few years later came the California Gold Rush, and San Francisco, and art movements, the Transcontinental Railway, and Hollywood, and University of California, and Silicone Valley, and Squaw Valley.”

“The highway might be closed,” I said.

“Come on Vlad, we’re Vampires. Being stuck in the snow for a few days isn’t going to hurt us. Besides, the roads are plowed and I have chains for my tires.”

“Fine,” I said, “but make sure you bring a cooler with blood in it. I do not want to have to eat you if we get stuck in the snow.”

I used to be fearless, but after being locked up in a crypt for 300 years the modern world can wear me out. Having no point of reference to anything cultural or historical is like being blind in an art museum with no docent.

So I agreed to go. Lord have mercy on my cold dark Vampire soul.

~ Vlad

Dear Diary,

Randolpho and I left in the morning with a trunk full of blood, blankets, something he calls beef jerky, hot coffee from Badfish, and his vast collection of New Wave music.

It took us six hours to get to James’s cabin. By then it was dark, the highway had been closed, and I was starving.

At the cabin James had left a note saying I will be right back, meet you at Bernard’s. James explained to me that Bernard’s is a bar. I wondered where James could have gone. The storm had turned into a blizzard. There was nowhere to go.

Randolpho handed me a pair of snow shoes and we walked snowblind to the bar. My friend kept on his ridiculous tall hat, as always. I do not know how he kept it on in the storm.

Big Hat

Randolpho and his tall hat which he rarely takes off.

We arrived at lone building surrounded by trees. A large front deck was festooned with white twinkle lights that looked like fairies in the snow filled air. As we opened the doors and walked in we were greeted by a tall man with red hair and a sharp nose. Randolpho introduced him to me as Bernard.

“What will you have to drink?” asked Bernard. “I can make you an Irish Coffee with a blood chaser. Of course the beer is cold.” Then he laughed. “Don’t be surprised Vlad. I know you’re Vampires. We get a lot of your kind in here.”

I scanned the room. All female heads turned to look at me. I smiled a bit in a friendly way without my fangs. I am used to it.

I sat at the bar. Next to me sat two men. One introduced himself to me with a rough hand with fingers ending in dirty nails. He was sharp nosed with pointy teeth. His small black eyes showed no fear. His name was Buster. His small friend sat next to him sleeping with an ocassional snort.

“I come here for the ladies,” he said with a snorting laugh. “They’re trapped with me now that the blizzard is coming down. Nobody leaves this place tonight. That means more TLC for me.”

My stomach was growling by now and I looked towards Buster and his sleeping friend.  Randolpho nudged me and whispered, “Don’t even think about it Vlad. Biting into Buster would be like eating week old room temperature sushi you purchased at a gas station in the Mojave Desert.”

A beautiful red headed woman sat down next to me, and next to her sat her beautiful white blonde friend. Buster leaned over me and winked at the ladies. They looked at him in disgust.

“You smell like you are carrying a dead animal under your shirt,” I said to Buster.

“You never know. There MIGHT BE a dead animal under there. And guess what pretty boy, those ladies might like someone who doesn’t smell like a fucking flower farm. They might like a guy with a little meat on him.”

He slid off of his chair and blew a kiss at the women, “Hey ladies, I gotta take a leak but when I’ll let you rub my hairy belly, and even more if you’re good.” He left with a blast of loud gas and a skip in his step. Even as a Vampire I have my limits of what amounts of disgusting things I can take in.

The women looked away from Buster and scooted closer to me. Randolpho and I were ready to settle down with them for the night when the doors flew open and a gust of wind and snow blew into the bar along with a SQUIRREL.

A squirrel walked into the bar.

It was a large gray squirrel who weighed maybe 2 pounds. He jumped on the bar and shook off his fur, then pounded his tail and chattered out a shrill demanding call.

Bernard the bartender put bowl of mixed nuts and a shot of Bourbon in front of the squirrel. The little animal sat on the bar and ate nuts while sipping the drink.

The Squirrel looked at me then spelled out a work with nuts.

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CUTE

“Yes, I know you are cute my dear Squirrel, I said.

The Squirrel shook it’s small gray head, thumped it’s tail and then pointed a tiny finger at me. Then it barked at me and pointed at the nuts.

Cute. Oh how this plagues me. I do not understand this cute. Squirrels and kittens are cute. I am the Vampire King. How can I be cute?

The two women giggled. “You are so cute,” they said in unison.

I thought to myself, there is my dinner right there.

But no, the door opened again and our friend James came into the bar with a gust of wind and snow. In his arms was his baby unicorn. Then out from behind the bar came a woman with rainbow colored hair.

“Awwwwww, what a sweet baby unicorn,” she said holding out her arms. The unicorn went straight to her. James winked at us and went off to a back table with the woman. James is such a, what do they say, a dog. James is such a dog, even for a Vampire.

Right on behind James came a man with two huge wolves with glowing red eyes.

The man took a back table with the wolves. I soon realized he was another Vampire who came with two Werewolves.

“We take all kinds in here,” said Bernard. “A blizzard doesn’t discriminate and neither do we.”

It is a good attitude to have. Believe me, I am a 675 year old Vampire so I know a thing or two.

The last person to arrive was a tall dark haired man with an Australian accent. “Clem!”  all the ladies called out.

I was shocked. He was as handsome as I am. Maybe more so. It was no problem. It took some of the pressure off of me.

The night went on and the twenty-five guest of Bernard’s Bar drank, danced, ate, and talked until Bernard said last call at around 2:00 a.m.

But not before I spent some quality time with the pale blonde named Angel, but that story can wait for another time.

~ Vlad

Dear Diary,

This morning James, Randolpho, and I walked down to Bernard’s for coffee. Yes, even Vampires need coffee after a long confusing night.

A dead possum lay in the road in front of the bar.

“Do you think we should bury it?” Asked James.

“The snow is too deep. Just let the vultures or coyotes get it,” said Randolpho.

On the front deck a small armadillo with an odd nose was curled up in a chair, half covered by an old plaid blanket.

“Wow,” said Randolpho. “That’s a Pigladillo. I haven’t seen one of those in years.”

As we opened the door we could see two pretty little squirrels, one red, and one white, sitting on the bar eating nuts. Nearby a fox was eating dog food out of a bowl. A large black and brown kangaroo sat at a back table eating a salad. A unicorn who looked like a Rainbow Donkey ran up to us.

James put his tiny unicorn down to play with his new friend. Now THAT is cute.

A tall handsome man with a bushy head of gray hair stood behind the bar.

“Where is Bernard? Sleeping in?” asked James.

The man at the bar smiled. “Bernard is right there eating breakfast,” he said as her gestured at the fox. The women, Angel and Red are at the bar. Clem is the kangaroo in the back having a salad. Buster and his friend are out front. Don’t worry about Buster, the snow plow will scoop him up. I put a blanket over his friend.”

He looked at our confused faces and laughed. “I’m surprised at you guys. You’re Vampires. You should know this stuff. Full moon. Yes, it was a full moon last night. They’re Werepeople. You know, animals except when the moon is full then they turn into people. It was a full moon last night. They all turned into people.”

No wonder the woman called Angel tasted a little gamey.

The fox looked up at me and winked, as if he could read my mind.

The man behind the bar said, “I’m Bill, but everyone calls me Evil.”

“You’re…” Randolpho started to say.

“Evil Squirrel. Yep, I’m a Weresquirrel. That was me at the bar last night.”

We sat down and had coffee with Evil, and talked about the weather, the animals, and the strange world in which we live.

I do not know how long we will have to stay up at Donner Lake, but I will let you know when I return home.

~ Vlad

~ end

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This is what Vampires use to grind nuts. CUTE CUTE CUTE

Juliette is now on the blog.

Well now (clears throat), this was my silly submission to the 2019 Evil Squirrel’s Nest Contest of Whatever. The prompt was A Squirrel Walked Into A Bar.

If you’re a fan of Evil Squirrel’s Nest, which you should be, you’ll understand all of the inside jokes and character references.

This is such a fun contest. If you haven’t entered it you still have a few days. This is the link https://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2019/01/27/the-sixth-annual-contest-of-whatever/. (or just CLICK HERE.) Check out the other fabulous and fun entries from the comments section and ping backs. These will make you LAUGH OUT LOUD. As an added bonus all of the other entries are a lot shorter than my rambling tale.

The Sixth Annual Contest Of Whatever!

Below are links to my past entries, including the 2017 WINNER of the CONTEST OF WHATEVER.

By the way, Game Day is still a Vlad’s Vampire Diary fan favorite.

For all of Vlad’s Vampire Diary entries CLICK HERE.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

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Not quite a Pigladillo but close enough.
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My cats Oscar and Gloria because they’re cute.

Here are some photos of my squirrel at the Bird Feeder Bar.

https://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2019/01/27/the-sixth-annual-contest-of-whatever/

Yes it is complicated (almost as much as a unicorn, a squirrel and a possum going into a bar…)

Yes it is complicated (almost as much as a unicorn, a squirrel and a possum going into a bar…)

unicorn

When you belong to a Vampire family the dynamics with other people, creatures, living things in general can get complicated.

My brother Andrew is staying at our house for a few days. He’ll be performing at one of the larger clubs with a semi-well known band (they get some radio play) later this week. Andy is an opera singer but he’ll sing anything in any style with just about anyone if asked.

Last night was a lovely clear evening so we (Andy, my husband Teddy and I) went out on the deck for a glass of wine. Aside from Andy being my brother he is also close friends with my husband. They grew up together back in the days before Teddy even knew what a Vampire was (but that is another story.)

I always had to smile at Andy and his personal sense of style. He was in a velvet vest, white shirt with french cuffs and jeans. His chestnut colored hair fell straight to his shoulders. Of all of us siblings (all 5 of us) Andy was the one who held on to the 19th century we all grew up in more. But that wasn’t always a bad thing.

To make a short story even longer… it is February so the conversation turned to romance. Well sort of.

I wondered how he was getting along with his new girlfriend Shawna.  He’d met her when he’d stumbled upon her camp in Patagonia (yes, THAT Patagonia.) She was digging for dinosaurs. I’m not exactly sure what he was doing there. Andy tends to just wander the world at times when he feels, well, like he needs to. By the way, Shawna isn’t a Vampire. Yes, it is complicated. And yes, she has met our mother which makes it even more complicated.

I asked about Shawna so Andy vented.

“Shawna knew why I’d gone out. It really wasn’t any of her concern. But when I got home she wouldn’t touch me. I assumed she’d understand that I can’t live off of kale and tofu. I need human blood to survive. She couldn’t get past the idea of me drinking blood then kissing her. For God’s sake by then I’d brushed my teeth and we’d had a couple of glasses of wine.”

He looked at us expecting a response but we let him continue to vent. “It isn’t as if I’d had blood dripping down my chin.”

“Give her time,” I gently told him then thought how stupid that sounded.

“I even had a baby unicorn but that ended badly as well,” said Andy.

“What were you doing with a unicorn? Oh my goodness Andy.” It has been years since I’ve seen a unicorn.

“Keeping it for James.” Andy said. James is a friend of Andrew’s. James is sort of nuts but he does lead an interesting life.

I have to admit that one of the cutest things in the universe is a baby unicorn. They’re like tiny iridescent donkeys or maybe a cross between a fawn and a pony, with all of that tiny baby sweetness. Their little hooves look like white mother of pearl. And there are few things as soft as a baby unicorn nose. Oh my goodness they’re precious. Best of all they smell good – like jasmine and roses.

Andrew continued his sad story. “As soon as Shawna walked in the room the unicorn started to cry. I’d forgotten that they’re afraid of humans. And forget the bull crap about being pure at heart. It doesn’t matter. There she was standing in the room with this baby screaming at the sight of her. It was a disaster.”

Yes, love is rare, but not as rare as a screaming baby unicorn. Sigh.

“I can understand Shawna’s fears,” said Teddy.  “I know how repulsive we seem to humans.”

Andy gave Teddy a glare. “Repulsed? How could she be repulsed? I’ve been nothing but wonderful to her. I’ve literally swept her off her feet. I’ve made her feel things she thought she’d never feel.”

Teddy patted Andy on the shoulder. “You’ve made her feel fear. Remember I used to be like her.  It took me weeks, actually years to accept the reality of Vampires and the fact that we’re not completely evil or completely dead. The very idea of a Vampire is more terrifying than, well, than she was to that baby unicorn. Maybe even more so because humans know we’re on the top of the food chain over them. It puts fear and disgust in them like cannibals or serial killers.”

“But if they tried to understand…” said Andy.

“What we do is morbid and disgusting,” said Teddy.

“They drink coffee that has been pooped out of a cat. What can be more disgusting than that?”

“Civets. The coffee is expelled by civets.”

“Whatever Theodore. Humans don’t know anything about us or what we do,” said Andy.

“And we need to keep it that way. I don’t know why you let her know you were a Vampire in the first place. It was a bad move on your part Andy.”

“But…”

Teddy gave Andy one of those looks. The kind that teenagers dread. “Andy, you can’t expect someone to suddenly embrace something they’ve feared their entire life. I don’t care how many times you tell her that you love her. We’re the undead evil, just above zombies and ghosts.”

“Not to mention ticks and werewolves,” I added in.

The soft sound of moving branches distracted us. Climbing up the Italian Cyprus tree to the deck rail came another nocturnal creature. It was Teddy’s possum. For the past year the possum had been making nightly visits and Teddy had decided to make friends with it. He spoke quietly to the soft gray creature and handed him a few raw peanuts he’d put in his pocket earlier. The Possum sat still while Teddy brushed its beautiful coat. She looked at us with her black possum eyes and showed a little bit of primitive sharp toothed possum grin.

Possums are gentle and often misunderstood creatures. Nobody ever hears of a possum attack but people still fear them. Sure sometimes they might have rabies or fleas but for the most part they’re harmless. I wouldn’t recommend you try to pet one or pick one up, but Teddy has a gift with animals and he is a Vampire. And like our possum friends we (Vampires) are also misunderstood.

“You can’t keep a possum as a pet Andy, just like you can’t keep a human as a pet,” I told my brother.

“Shawna isn’t a pet,” Andy said. He scratched the possum between it’s ears as it sat quietly.

“Maybe not, but she isn’t a Vampire. I know you lived with Aurora for almost 50 years, but that was the exception. That was something extraordinary. She never feared us. She never saw us as unnatural,” I said.

Andy looked out at the night sky as if he was looking for Aurora, a woman he’d lived with until her death from old age. She stayed with her until the end, never pressuring her to become a Vampire, never leaving her side. We all loved Aurora. Maybe too much. Despite the heartbreak she was a gift, like all of our dear human friends. We’re sad for her passing but we wouldn’t trade the sadness because of the love.

We all knew Shawna was warming up to the idea that she was living in a world populated by bizarre creatures and strangeness that she could never have imagined. Then again, she studied dinosaurs so she knew about strange creatures that defied imagination, logic and all reason. Time would tell.

I said good night (good morning to us) around 4:00 am to Teddy and Andy. The kids were sleeping due to school and their daytime schedules.

Around 7:00 am, just as the sun came up I was in my dining room, laptop open, glancing out through the windows at the trees. The Possum had gone to her bed, but on the deck rail was a squirrel. This particular squirrel is always out in the morning doing a little dance with jerky movements while his squirrel friends jump through the oak trees like circus acrobats. He stands in the sun and eats from the window box and from the bowl of nuts and seeds I leave for him. He’ll turn his head and look at me but he isn’t afraid – at least not unless I open the door for a closer look or try to take his photo. When I go outside sometimes he barks at me with his odd almost unearthly squirrel voice. I call him my friend, but he’ll never consider me to be in his inner circle. But that’s OK. He’s a squirrel. That is all I need him to be. And he never needs to know I’m a Vampire.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

everybodylovesapossum

So what inspired you to write this odd little story Juliette?

A unicorn, a squirrel and a possum go into a bar… to find out what inspired this post in which every single word is absolutely true:
http://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2014/02/03/you-may-already-be-a-winner/

And if you aren’t following the Sharp Witted, Brilliant and Talented Bill Brown and The Evil Squirrel’s Nest you ought to be. 

THE DEADLINE FOR THE 2018 CONTEST OF WHATEVER is MARCH 1st 2018. CLICK HERE for details.

And don’t forget that I WON the 2017 Contest of Whatever with Shelf Critter Theater Starring Vlad and Randolpho from Vampire Diaries. Click HERE to read that amazing story (with pictures.)

Squirrels Rock the Goggles

For the official back story on Andrew and Shawna go to the links below:

Innocenzio Dantonio

Vampire Diary: Shelf Critter Theater

Dear Diary,

My young friend Willow, a baby by Vampire terms, asked me tonight about wine, women, and song of long ago when I was Vampire King.

It made me think of when my friend Randolfo and I were traveling to the edges of the civilized world. We were in exotic territories that were not to be found on most maps of the time.

My friend Randolfo said, "Vlad, we should go out on the town and find some beautiful women and drink their blood."

My friend Randolfo said, “Vlad, we should go out on the town and find some beautiful women and drink their blood.” This portrait here is of Randolfo taken 423 years after this tale which I am about to tell you.

 

 

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We arrived at an old castle on the hill where it was rumored there was a tavern. We knew it must be an important place because of the armored guards. We were allowed inside because we were obviously important, and because we were Vampires.

 

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Some of the most beautiful women I had ever laid eyes upon were sharing wine. I knew I’d have blood, and maybe even bring one or two of them back to the castle in which we were staying for a late night snack.

 

 

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As I walked by all of the women looked my way. Women always look when I walk by. I am told that is because I am cute.

 

Around the bar important men and women were meeting over drinks and food.

Around the bar important men and women were meeting over drinks and food. They came from all corners of the Earth. The beautiful women we had passed earlier continued to drink and act like fools.

 

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“Come join us,” said Lady Lynx. “As you can see,” she purred, “we have plenty of food and drink. What brings two such handsome Vampire Lords to our far corner of the unknown world?” The Two-Can added, “We have cases of chili and fruit cocktail. It is the kind with cherries. We also have 3,000 pounds of goldfish crackers from the exotic ponds of Madam Lili. Please partake with us Vampire Lords.”

 

I noticed how drunk the women had become. "What time is it?" Randolpho asked Count Crow. "I believe it is Never More, but you need to go ask Alice."

I noticed how drunk the women had become. “What time is it?” Randolfo asked Count Crow. “I believe it is Never More, but you need to go ask Alice.”

 

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“Seriously Vampire King, you must go ask Alice because I am a lowly bird and do not know how to tell time.” I knew the bird was a liar, as all crows are, but still went in search of Alice.

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We found Alice sitting on a rare and valuable exotic rug by the window. When I asked her about the time she said, “Shirley you jest?”

 

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Then Shirley said, “I NEVER jest. Stop saying shit about me bitch.”

 

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Then a lone skull warming himself on the hearth said, “Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?”

 

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“It is almost 2:00 a.m.” yelled one of the Armadillo armoured, I mean Armored guards. You can always count on an Armadillo to tell you the correct time.

 

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“Music,” yelled the Unicorn. “Where is that Rainbow Donkey when we need him?” Then he blew his trumpet and the party became out of control.

 

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Lord Two-Can and Lady Lynx wanted to play some Jazz records but unfortunately records had not been invented yet.

 

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Love was in the air.

 

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I told them to be careful or they would end up in an unfortunate way.

 

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Even one of the guards found romance that night.

 

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Even the Lord Mayor ended up romancing the shy woman who lived in the frame. Before she had ignored him but now she was quite frisky. Tonight love was completely black and white to her.

 

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Suddenly there was a scream. A great beast had grabbed one of the women.

 

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I rescued the woman and disabled the Hell Hound.

 

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The women celebrated and danced in formation, like human flowers.

 

"LAST CALL," yelled the bartender.

“LAST CALL,” yelled the bartender.

 

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By then all of the women were too drunk to drive home. The bartender was mightily pissed.

 

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Then the strange and serious ghostly Woman in White said, “We need Vampire Blood – NOW.”

 

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I turned to see a bloody alter waiting for Randolfo and me. What Vampire had gone before us? We could only guess.

 

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BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD. The sound of their cries shook our very Vampire bones to the core.

 

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We ran, and they ran after us like Zombies. Only they were faster than Zombies.

 

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Then the Hell Hound jumped up and rescued us.

 

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The Hell Hound reduced them all to well chewed bones.

 

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Then an angel appeared and said, “Get the Hell out of here Vampire scum. Go on, don’t be stupid. Get your pretty asses moving.”

 

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When we arrived back at our lodgings my sister told us that we were fools. Then I told her, “only fools fall in love, and we have not fallen in love for anyone.” She was not amused by my joke.

Willow wiped a tear from her beautiful brown eyes and told me that she was touched by my story. After that we went in search of blood, booze and goldfish crackers. We found all in a place with no skulls, or Vampire killers. I think I am beginning to like Modern Life.

~ Vlad

 

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Note: This wild and crazy tale is my 2017 entry to the Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever. Thank you ES for providing the most frustrating and silly contest I have EVER entered in my entire 157 years. Holy Ghost Balls – what were you thinking?

Hope you all enjoyed this silly Shelf Critter adventure. For more information about The Evil Squirrel’s Nest (where all the cool squirrels hang out) and Shelf Critters CLICK HERE.

Previous Contest of Whatever Entries from Vampire Maman (and I love all of these posts):

https://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2017/01/29/the-fourth-annual-contest-of-whatever/