Vampire Diary: Shelf Critter Theater

Dear Diary,

My young friend Willow, a baby by Vampire terms, asked me tonight about wine, women, and song of long ago when I was Vampire King.

It made me think of when my friend Randolfo and I were traveling to the edges of the civilized world. We were in exotic territories that were not to be found on most maps of the time.

My friend Randolfo said, "Vlad, we should go out on the town and find some beautiful women and drink their blood."
My friend Randolfo said, “Vlad, we should go out on the town and find some beautiful women and drink their blood.” This portrait here is of Randolfo taken 423 years after this tale which I am about to tell you.



We arrived at an old castle on the hill where it was rumored there was a tavern. We knew it must be an important place because of the armored guards. We were allowed inside because we were obviously important, and because we were Vampires.


Some of the most beautiful women I had ever laid eyes upon were sharing wine. I knew I’d have blood, and maybe even bring one or two of them back to the castle in which we were staying for a late night snack.



As I walked by all of the women looked my way. Women always look when I walk by. I am told that is because I am cute.


Around the bar important men and women were meeting over drinks and food.
Around the bar important men and women were meeting over drinks and food. They came from all corners of the Earth. The beautiful women we had passed earlier continued to drink and act like fools.


“Come join us,” said Lady Lynx. “As you can see,” she purred, “we have plenty of food and drink. What brings two such handsome Vampire Lords to our far corner of the unknown world?” The Two-Can added, “We have cases of chili and fruit cocktail. It is the kind with cherries. We also have 3,000 pounds of goldfish crackers from the exotic ponds of Madam Lili. Please partake with us Vampire Lords.”


I noticed how drunk the women had become. "What time is it?" Randolpho asked Count Crow. "I believe it is Never More, but you need to go ask Alice."
I noticed how drunk the women had become. “What time is it?” Randolfo asked Count Crow. “I believe it is Never More, but you need to go ask Alice.”


“Seriously Vampire King, you must go ask Alice because I am a lowly bird and do not know how to tell time.” I knew the bird was a liar, as all crows are, but still went in search of Alice.

We found Alice sitting on a rare and valuable exotic rug by the window. When I asked her about the time she said, “Shirley you jest?”


Then Shirley said, “I NEVER jest. Stop saying shit about me bitch.”


Then a lone skull warming himself on the hearth said, “Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?”


“It is almost 2:00 a.m.” yelled one of the Armadillo armoured, I mean Armored guards. You can always count on an Armadillo to tell you the correct time.


“Music,” yelled the Unicorn. “Where is that Rainbow Donkey when we need him?” Then he blew his trumpet and the party became out of control.


Lord Two-Can and Lady Lynx wanted to play some Jazz records but unfortunately records had not been invented yet.


Love was in the air.


I told them to be careful or they would end up in an unfortunate way.


Even one of the guards found romance that night.


Even the Lord Mayor ended up romancing the shy woman who lived in the frame. Before she had ignored him but now she was quite frisky. Tonight love was completely black and white to her.


Suddenly there was a scream. A great beast had grabbed one of the women.


I rescued the woman and disabled the Hell Hound.


The women celebrated and danced in formation, like human flowers.


"LAST CALL," yelled the bartender.
“LAST CALL,” yelled the bartender.


By then all of the women were too drunk to drive home. The bartender was mightily pissed.


Then the strange and serious ghostly Woman in White said, “We need Vampire Blood – NOW.”


I turned to see a bloody alter waiting for Randolfo and me. What Vampire had gone before us? We could only guess.


BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD. The sound of their cries shook our very Vampire bones to the core.


We ran, and they ran after us like Zombies. Only they were faster than Zombies.


Then the Hell Hound jumped up and rescued us.


The Hell Hound reduced them all to well chewed bones.


Then an angel appeared and said, “Get the Hell out of here Vampire scum. Go on, don’t be stupid. Get your pretty asses moving.”


When we arrived back at our lodgings my sister told us that we were fools. Then I told her, “only fools fall in love, and we have not fallen in love for anyone.” She was not amused by my joke.

Willow wiped a tear from her beautiful brown eyes and told me that she was touched by my story. After that we went in search of blood, booze and goldfish crackers. We found all in a place with no skulls, or Vampire killers. I think I am beginning to like Modern Life.

~ Vlad



Note: This wild and crazy tale is my 2017 entry to the Evil Squirrel’s Contest of Whatever. Thank you ES for providing the most frustrating and silly contest I have EVER entered in my entire 157 years. Holy Ghost Balls – what were you thinking?

Hope you all enjoyed this silly Shelf Critter adventure. For more information about The Evil Squirrel’s Nest (where all the cool squirrels hang out) and Shelf Critters CLICK HERE.

Previous Contest of Whatever Entries from Vampire Maman (and I love all of these posts):


  1. Oh, I love this!!! So many great characters! The armadillo guard! The unicorn! Lady Lynx! And of course the fearsome hellhound. I think this was well worth the work you and Vlad put into it, and it will be a worthy competitor for the top prize! Good luck!

    1. I am so happy and honored to have your approval. It was so much fun putting this thing together. My daughter couldn’t stop laughing when she saw what I’d done with the Barbies. The hellhound was an unexpected and completely unplanned twist. Thanks again for another fun Contest of Whatever. Four years and still going strong!

    1. Thank you so much. It was a lot of fun to put together. My 17 year old daughter came home and asked “Mom, why are my Barbies on the dog bed with a wine glass?” Then again, she is used to my shenanigans.

  2. Awesome! Great Story telling, I thought I had seen all entries but I missed yours and had to go back and read it! You Won!!! Congrats! Love your collection! 🙂 LB

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