A short tale about a night at a bar made even longer and more rambling by Vlad, King of Vampires.
Vlad’s Vampire Diary: A Squirrel Walked Into A Bar
My friend Randolpho suggested we go up to the mountains to a place called Donner Lake.
“James invited us to his cabin,” he said. “We can even go skiing. The snow will be amazing.”
“Donner Lake was where a group of people were trapped for the winter and turned to cannibalism,” I said.
Randolpho scowled at me as he always does. “That was in 1846. It was also probably one of the most poorly planned trips in the history of anywhere. A few years later came the California Gold Rush, and San Francisco, and art movements, the Transcontinental Railway, and Hollywood, and University of California, and Silicone Valley, and Squaw Valley.”
“The highway might be closed,” I said.
“Come on Vlad, we’re Vampires. Being stuck in the snow for a few days isn’t going to hurt us. Besides, the roads are plowed and I have chains for my tires.”
“Fine,” I said, “but make sure you bring a cooler with blood in it. I do not want to have to eat you if we get stuck in the snow.”
I used to be fearless, but after being locked up in a crypt for 300 years the modern world can wear me out. Having no point of reference to anything cultural or historical is like being blind in an art museum with no docent.
So I agreed to go. Lord have mercy on my cold dark Vampire soul.
Randolpho and I left in the morning with a trunk full of blood, blankets, something he calls beef jerky, hot coffee from Badfish, and his vast collection of New Wave music.
It took us six hours to get to James’s cabin. By then it was dark, the highway had been closed, and I was starving.
At the cabin James had left a note saying I will be right back, meet you at Bernard’s. James explained to me that Bernard’s is a bar. I wondered where James could have gone. The storm had turned into a blizzard. There was nowhere to go.
Randolpho handed me a pair of snow shoes and we walked snowblind to the bar. My friend kept on his ridiculous tall hat, as always. I do not know how he kept it on in the storm.
We arrived at lone building surrounded by trees. A large front deck was festooned with white twinkle lights that looked like fairies in the snow filled air. As we opened the doors and walked in we were greeted by a tall man with red hair and a sharp nose. Randolpho introduced him to me as Bernard.
“What will you have to drink?” asked Bernard. “I can make you an Irish Coffee with a blood chaser. Of course the beer is cold.” Then he laughed. “Don’t be surprised Vlad. I know you’re Vampires. We get a lot of your kind in here.”
I scanned the room. All female heads turned to look at me. I smiled a bit in a friendly way without my fangs. I am used to it.
I sat at the bar. Next to me sat two men. One introduced himself to me with a rough hand with fingers ending in dirty nails. He was sharp nosed with pointy teeth. His small black eyes showed no fear. His name was Buster. His small friend sat next to him sleeping with an ocassional snort.
“I come here for the ladies,” he said with a snorting laugh. “They’re trapped with me now that the blizzard is coming down. Nobody leaves this place tonight. That means more TLC for me.”
My stomach was growling by now and I looked towards Buster and his sleeping friend. Randolpho nudged me and whispered, “Don’t even think about it Vlad. Biting into Buster would be like eating week old room temperature sushi you purchased at a gas station in the Mojave Desert.”
A beautiful red headed woman sat down next to me, and next to her sat her beautiful white blonde friend. Buster leaned over me and winked at the ladies. They looked at him in disgust.
“You smell like you are carrying a dead animal under your shirt,” I said to Buster.
“You never know. There MIGHT BE a dead animal under there. And guess what pretty boy, those ladies might like someone who doesn’t smell like a fucking flower farm. They might like a guy with a little meat on him.”
He slid off of his chair and blew a kiss at the women, “Hey ladies, I gotta take a leak but when I’ll let you rub my hairy belly, and even more if you’re good.” He left with a blast of loud gas and a skip in his step. Even as a Vampire I have my limits of what amounts of disgusting things I can take in.
The women looked away from Buster and scooted closer to me. Randolpho and I were ready to settle down with them for the night when the doors flew open and a gust of wind and snow blew into the bar along with a SQUIRREL.
A squirrel walked into the bar.
It was a large gray squirrel who weighed maybe 2 pounds. He jumped on the bar and shook off his fur, then pounded his tail and chattered out a shrill demanding call.
Bernard the bartender put bowl of mixed nuts and a shot of Bourbon in front of the squirrel. The little animal sat on the bar and ate nuts while sipping the drink.
The Squirrel looked at me then spelled out a work with nuts.
“Yes, I know you are cute my dear Squirrel, I said.
The Squirrel shook it’s small gray head, thumped it’s tail and then pointed a tiny finger at me. Then it barked at me and pointed at the nuts.
Cute. Oh how this plagues me. I do not understand this cute. Squirrels and kittens are cute. I am the Vampire King. How can I be cute?
The two women giggled. “You are so cute,” they said in unison.
I thought to myself, there is my dinner right there.
But no, the door opened again and our friend James came into the bar with a gust of wind and snow. In his arms was his baby unicorn. Then out from behind the bar came a woman with rainbow colored hair.
“Awwwwww, what a sweet baby unicorn,” she said holding out her arms. The unicorn went straight to her. James winked at us and went off to a back table with the woman. James is such a, what do they say, a dog. James is such a dog, even for a Vampire.
Right on behind James came a man with two huge wolves with glowing red eyes.
The man took a back table with the wolves. I soon realized he was another Vampire who came with two Werewolves.
“We take all kinds in here,” said Bernard. “A blizzard doesn’t discriminate and neither do we.”
It is a good attitude to have. Believe me, I am a 675 year old Vampire so I know a thing or two.
The last person to arrive was a tall dark haired man with an Australian accent. “Clem!” all the ladies called out.
I was shocked. He was as handsome as I am. Maybe more so. It was no problem. It took some of the pressure off of me.
The night went on and the twenty-five guest of Bernard’s Bar drank, danced, ate, and talked until Bernard said last call at around 2:00 a.m.
But not before I spent some quality time with the pale blonde named Angel, but that story can wait for another time.
This morning James, Randolpho, and I walked down to Bernard’s for coffee. Yes, even Vampires need coffee after a long confusing night.
A dead possum lay in the road in front of the bar.
“Do you think we should bury it?” Asked James.
“The snow is too deep. Just let the vultures or coyotes get it,” said Randolpho.
On the front deck a small armadillo with an odd nose was curled up in a chair, half covered by an old plaid blanket.
“Wow,” said Randolpho. “That’s a Pigladillo. I haven’t seen one of those in years.”
As we opened the door we could see two pretty little squirrels, one red, and one white, sitting on the bar eating nuts. Nearby a fox was eating dog food out of a bowl. A large black and brown kangaroo sat at a back table eating a salad. A unicorn who looked like a Rainbow Donkey ran up to us.
James put his tiny unicorn down to play with his new friend. Now THAT is cute.
A tall handsome man with a bushy head of gray hair stood behind the bar.
“Where is Bernard? Sleeping in?” asked James.
The man at the bar smiled. “Bernard is right there eating breakfast,” he said as her gestured at the fox. The women, Angel and Red are at the bar. Clem is the kangaroo in the back having a salad. Buster and his friend are out front. Don’t worry about Buster, the snow plow will scoop him up. I put a blanket over his friend.”
He looked at our confused faces and laughed. “I’m surprised at you guys. You’re Vampires. You should know this stuff. Full moon. Yes, it was a full moon last night. They’re Werepeople. You know, animals except when the moon is full then they turn into people. It was a full moon last night. They all turned into people.”
No wonder the woman called Angel tasted a little gamey.
The fox looked up at me and winked, as if he could read my mind.
The man behind the bar said, “I’m Bill, but everyone calls me Evil.”
“You’re…” Randolpho started to say.
“Evil Squirrel. Yep, I’m a Weresquirrel. That was me at the bar last night.”
We sat down and had coffee with Evil, and talked about the weather, the animals, and the strange world in which we live.
I do not know how long we will have to stay up at Donner Lake, but I will let you know when I return home.
Juliette is now on the blog.
Well now (clears throat), this was my silly submission to the 2019 Evil Squirrel’s Nest Contest of Whatever. The prompt was A Squirrel Walked Into A Bar.
If you’re a fan of Evil Squirrel’s Nest, which you should be, you’ll understand all of the inside jokes and character references.
This is such a fun contest. If you haven’t entered it you still have a few days. This is the link https://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2019/01/27/the-sixth-annual-contest-of-whatever/. (or just CLICK HERE.) Check out the other fabulous and fun entries from the comments section and ping backs. These will make you LAUGH OUT LOUD. As an added bonus all of the other entries are a lot shorter than my rambling tale.
Below are links to my past entries, including the 2017 WINNER of the CONTEST OF WHATEVER.
- 2018: Coffee and Swine: A weird tale of romance (and it is ALL TRUE)
- 2017: Vampire Diary: Shelf Critter Theater (2017 WINNER)
- 2016: Yes it is complicated (almost as much as a a Squirrel, a Unicorn and a Possum walking into a Bar.
- 2015: Three True Tales of Terror (with teens, rats and possums)
- 2014: Vampire Diary: Game Day
By the way, Game Day is still a Vlad’s Vampire Diary fan favorite.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
Here are some photos of my squirrel at the Bird Feeder Bar.