Vampire 101: Removing Blood and Red Wine Stains (file this under ADULTING)

Now that both of my kids are out of the house I am not longer there for them when they get stains on their clothes. Dirt is easy.

I’m not going to believe the Tide Ad (The Super Bowl Ad) where the woman keeps saying “It can wait.” It kind of can’t. The faster you get something on that stain the better.

A good item to give your college bound kid (or yourself) is a laundry stain pen. Most major brands make them and they can be found in any grocery story. These handy little stain removers can easily be kept in a backpack, purse, pocket or binder.

But if you DO get a blood stain follow these follow these steps:

Don’t wait. Don’t scrub. Don’t put heat on it (heat will set the stain in forever unless you’re getting out grease and oil.)

To remove blood stains from washable fabrics.

  • Spray with a stain solution such as Simple Green or any laundry pre-treatment and wash immediately in cold water.
  • Check before you put the shirt (or other whatever is stained) in the dryer. You don’t want to set a stain in that you can still remove.
  • If any stain remains, I usually soak the hell out of it overnight with OxyClean or Goof Off spray. If you don’t want to do that then soak it in a solution of 1 quart warm water, 1­/2 teaspoon dishwashing or liquid laundry detergent, and 1 tablespoon ammonia for 15 minutes.
  • For excess solid or caked-on stains, scrape off what you can, scrub gently with a soft brush or clean sponge, blotting occasionally until the stain is gone.
  • This works for most organic stains, not just blood.

To remove blood stains from leather or suede:

  • Mix a solution of mild soap in lukewarm water. Dish soap works well. You want a lot of suds.
  • Apply only the foam with a sponge and gently rub the stained area, taking care not to spread the stain. Q-tips work great for this.
  • Wipe dry with a clean soft cloth. If all else fails take it in to get it professionally cleaned.

Blood stains on Silver

It may seem romantic and daring to the younger Vampires to use silver goblets to drink blood from but DON’T DO IT. Not only is it hard to clean but it is TACKY. Use glass or ceramic. Or even a red cup is better than ruining a nice goblet. But what if your college aged child gets carried away with the moment. Wash the silver right after use. Dried blood will cause some nasty tarnish. Better yet, tell your kids NOT to use silver with blood – especially not YOUR silver. If the stains are difficult get out the polish and elbow grease and MAKE YOUR KID DO THE WORK and polish those stains out.

Red Wine

I spill red wine a lot more than I spill blood. My secret is to get Simple Green on it ASAP. If you don’t have Simple Green just put it in the wash ASAP, or in a sink with whatever dish washing liquid (like Dawn) or any organic spray cleaner, or OxyClean.

If you’ve got a red wine stained carpet and on furniture take care of it ASAP. You’re taking care of it right now, and you didn’t start scrubbing away like a mad man (or woman).

Apply a dry material that will “lift” the red wine out.

Like any liquid, red wine will move toward anything dry that it comes into contact with. Your best move right after you get a red wine stain is to grab a dry, powdery material and apply it generously on the red wine stain. These include:

Table salt
Baking soda
Sodium percarbonate, a.k.a. a granulated form of hydrogen peroxide
Dry soap powder
Talcum powder, which is used for baby powder
Clay Kitty litter

These dry materials will “pull” the red wine out of the carpet, but don’t just start rubbing them in. Remember, you never want to rub (or scrub) the stain, regardless of what you’ve applied to it. Always apply the blotting method, even when it comes to cleaning up the salt or powder.

This works on oil stains too. I have a friend who used this on her car seats (the baby powder) and it worked wonders.

Let the salt (your best option), or any other dry, powdery material you use, settle for a few minutes. In some cases, this may be enough to actually remove the stain completely, especially if you acted fast enough. Otherwise, you may need to apply additional methods.

Coffee stains

If you get water on it right away most coffee stains will come right out. Most soap will get it out too. But use the same steps as above for blood stains and don’t let it sit too long.

If you’re prone to stains I suggest getting a small Green Machine or other mini type carpet spot cleaner. You’ll thank me for it later. This is a great tool for your adult children who are renters and concerned about getting their security deposits back (and just having nice looking carpets.)

Another life hack, or Vampire hack, is to always have a spare shirt in your car or backpack. You never know when you’re going to slop something on your shirt. It is good to be prepared.

My children were fortunate to go to an elementary school where life skills were threaded through the curriculum. They learned to do laundry, cook and plan meals, money, and interior design. This wasn’t some high end private school. It was a public school (Montessori). They learned the skills, wrote about them, did math problems about them, and compared notes. I will all kids learned this stuff in school. It is fun for them and they learn how reading, writing, and math fit in with the real world. If your child doesn’t get this in school take the time to teach them. When they move out they’ll call you about things that aren’t laundry or how not to overdraw their bank and Vemo accounts.

I’ve got an empty nest now but I will text my kids, share daily dog pictures with them, and maybe even talk to them today. But one thing I won’t worry about is stain removal – ok, maybe I will. They know it but they still always ask because, well, I’m the mom.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Mamam

 

 

 

 

Vampire Diary: The Black Sock Mystery

Dear Diary,

What happened to my socks?

A Vampire must not smell like death and blood if he wishes to survive in this modern world. No longer with servants I used the machine in my home to clean my clothing. I am not an idiot. I followed directions. I put fabric softener in the correct cup. I used the correct amount of soap. I used the correct temperature. I used no bleach because all of my clothing is black. I used cold water so blood stains would not set in place forever on my shirts. I put the wet clothing in the drying machine. Now my clothing is soft with a clean fresh smell.

I should be happy, but I am baffled and angry at this new technology.

My socks are now all just a sock. The mate of each has vanished.

I do not understand.

Where are my socks?

~ Vlad

_____________

 

Dear Diary,

This evening as I walked to the mail box my cat followed me. Her two kittens followed behind. One is solid black. The other is black with white paws and a white face, as if she is wearing a mask.

The reason I even speak of the cat and her kittens is that because I’ve become fond of them. It is an emotion I rarely let myself feel. I have found homes for three of the kittens with Vampire friends. We do not believe in drowning kittens or leaving them in fields. We do not kill them, then stuff them and dress them, then pose them around tables as if they are having a tea party. We do not eat them. They are cats. Cats have value beyond being domesticated animals. Cats are their own beings.

At the mail box my neighbor was opening her mail box. She smiled at me. I smiled back, not showing fangs. She thinks I am cute.

I asked her if she needed a kitten.

She picked up the black and white kitten, cooing and talking precious baby talk to it. She touched her nose to the small felines. She hugged the tiny creature to her chest.

“No, I can’t take one right now,” she said.

Why did she hug and hold the tiny animal like that, as if it was a baby she dearly loved?

“Why not?” I asked her.

“I already have a dog.”

I looked at her and captured her eyes with mine. “You need this kitten. You love this kitten. Your dog will love this kitten. Your children will love you more if you bring this kitten home.”

She relaxed and smiled. “You’re right. I will take this kitten.”

Vampires do more than suck blood. We can convince people through our mental prowress to adopt kittens.

“You ought to get your cat fixed,” she told me.

“There is nothing wrong with my cat.”

“No, I mean fixed so that she won’t have anymore kittens.”

“That can be done?”

“Of course it can. Vlad, you’re cute but you’re so out of touch. I’ll give you the name of my Vet.”

She then thanked me for the kitten and took the small creature home with her.

I looked down at the remaining kitten and decided that it would live with me and his mother.

But if a kitten is cute then why did my neighbor call me cute?

I am nothing like the kittens. I do not understand.

~ Vlad

___________

 

Dear Diary,

As I got ready to go out I found I had no matching socks. All of the solid black socks were gone but one. The black patterned socks were missing their mates. Why do they call them mates? They do exactly the opposite of reproducing.

~ Vlad

 

__________________

 

Dear Diary,

My neighbor told me that she has named the kitten Socks.

Sigh.

~ Vlad

 

______________

 

Dear Diary,

I lay in my bed thinking about my existence. Gillian, my lover, was curled up next to me, her arm around my chest, her leg over my hip, her head on my shoulder. I could smell her perfume, a mix of roses and her own cool skin. I closed my eyes. She stirred and kissed my neck.

We made love on top of the sheets. The window was open, letting the cold breeze into the room. As I gently kissed her face, claws sank into my leg.

The kitten had used me for a scratching post. It jumped to the floor.

Gillian laughed, then she flipped over and looked down under the bed.

“I found you Mr. Kitten,” she said to the small black beast. Then she flipped back up to the bed with me. She laughed again and kissed me. “Vlad, my love, there must be twenty socks underneath your bed.”

I said nothing. It was easier just to take Gillian into my arms than to wonder about socks.

Sometimes I am unable to make sense of this world, but then again, sometimes, in those times without socks, in the arms of my love, it just doesn’t matter.

~ Vlad

 

 

oscar_artistic copy

 

 

 

 

Vampire 101 – Blood Stains

There is a reason why a lot of vampires wear black…STAINS.

A few months ago my niece Lauren came home from college with happy stories of loving school and new friends. My brother Aaron, Lauren’s father, took her aside and said “honey, you have blood on your shirt.” It was just a few small spots but Lauren’s face turned red, or as read as a vampire can get, with embarrassment.

She’d been at a party, there was a boy. Aaron said he knew it was a boy before Lauren even spoke – he could smell it. The boy, with the name of Mason, was handsome and smart. He was the guy all the girls were drooling over. Lauren already knew him from classes and mutual friends, but they flirted and she was feeling the old vampire urges, so she kicked in the paranormal and took him aside for an hour or two. In the exchange she ended up with blood on her clothing.

Actually, it was more than just flirting. It was more than just kissing. After tears she told her parents she’d had sex with Mason and given him the hickey of a lifetime. Her parents asked if she’d been careful and assured her that there was nothing to be ashamed of. She was responsible, she did not harm her prey, was with people she trusted and she used protection. Plus she was 19 years old, almost 20, doing what responsible adult vampires do.

There are going to be stains, but in the meantime tell your young adults to plan ahead. Wear dark colors or patterns. The plaids that are popular now are perfect when you know you’ll be getting blood.

A good item to give your college bound kid (or yourself) is a laundry stain pen. Most major brands make them and they can be found in any grocery story. These handy little stain removers can easily be kept in a backpack, purse, pocket or binder.

But if you DO get a stain follow these follow these steps:

To remove blood stains from washable fabrics.

  • Spray with a stain solution such as Simple Green or any laundry pre-treatment and wash immediately in cold water.
  • Check before you put the shirt (or other whatever is stained) in the dryer. You don’t want to set a stain in that you can still remove.
  • If any stain remains, I usually soak the hell out of it overnight with OxyClean or Goof Off spray. If you don’t want to do that then soak it in a solution of 1 quart warm water, 1­/2 teaspoon dishwashing or liquid laundry detergent, and 1 tablespoon ammonia for 15 minutes.
  • For excess solid or caked-on stains, scrape off what you can, scrub gently with a soft brush or clean sponge, blotting occasionally until the stain is gone.

To remove blood stains from leather or suede:

  • Mix a solution of mild soap in lukewarm water. Dish soap works well. You want a lot of suds.
  • Apply only the foam with a sponge and gently rub the stained area, taking care not to spread the stain. Q-tips work great for this.
  • Wipe dry with a clean soft cloth. If all else fails take it in to get it professionally cleaned.

Silver

It may seem romantic and daring to the younger vampires to use silver goblets to drink blood from but DON’T DO IT. Not only is it hard to clean but it is TACKY. But what if your college aged child gets carried away with the moment. Wash right after use. Dried blood will cause some nasty tarnish. Better yet, tell your kids NOT to use silver with blood – especially not YOUR silver. If the stains are difficult get out the polish and elbow grease and MAKE YOUR KID DO THE WORK and polish those stains out.

Previous articles: We’ll discuss how to resist the urge and be a politically correct vampire. As a rule we are polite and civil to a fault but some so-called vegan vampires are going too far.

~ Juliette

 

First seen here in 2012 – one of the very first posts on this silly blog. I’ve been busy so I’m sharing important posts you might have missed.