NaNoWiMoNoNoNoNoNoNo Bah Humbug (and everything else in my opinion)

Warning: Negativity and Triggers Ahead

The cake isn’t for you. I just thought it was funny. Yes, that is what I said: Triggers.

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Or if you prefer horses.

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Trigger, in his natural state, before being dressed up. And yes, he was stuffed after he died. I find the taxidermy aspect kind of creepy (and I’m a Vampire for heaven’s sake)

 

Now let’s get going on the main feature.

 

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Even I have to admit this is funny.

NaNoWiMoNoNoNoNoNoNo Bah Humbug (that includes fan fiction, fantasy drenched quests, magical children in black robes, and super heroes.)

Random thoughts on all kinds of stuff.

If you spend the night at my house, like Scrooge, you will also have three visitors during the night. That would be Alice the German Shepard as the ghost of writing past, Oscar the tuxedo cat as the ghost of writing present, and Gloria the calico cat as the ghost of everything else. If you like I will follow up with chains and howling, though I’d rather not.

First off – my hat goes off and I take a bow to everyone who attempting to write a novel during NaNoWiMo (National Novel Writing Month.) Keep writing. I am cheering you on.

However…

As I look around social media at the November writing frenzy, numbers pressure, and general drama I’m finding some disturbing trends.

Large numbers of beginning writers want to be somebody else. This makes my fangs hurt, both as a writer, and as a parent.

These beginners, bless their hearts, are obsessed with Harry Potter, what Hogwarts house everybody belongs to, superheroes, superhero powers, fantasy stories with names nobody can pronounce much less keep track of, sparkling Vampires, and absolute good vs absolute evil. They are also obsessed with movies – not books. This includes LOTR, Slasher movies, and The Never Ending Story.

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This is how I feel about this. It never ends. I do not like it more than Sam I Am does not like Green Eggs and Ham.

This is all lovely, but write your own story. Use your own voice. Tell your own story. Steer clear of the absolutes and the childhood loves and move on. In other words GROW UP. 

OK maybe you don’t want to grow up. It’s your story.

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My regular readers know of my distain for fan fiction – that is writing a story based on somebody else’s story.

Sure one of the worst books ever –  Fifty Shades of Grey the 2011 erotic romance novel by British author E. L. James, was fan fiction inspired by the Twilight series. I guess if you can make that much money off of writing horrible pornographic prose based on a YA novel and make millions of dollars then go for it.

My favorite fan fiction story is quite different. My daughter had a classmate in hight school who wrote slightly PG-13 rated 60 page  homoerotic fan fiction based on historian David McCullough’s book 1776.

Most A lot of fan fiction seems to have an erotic element to it. I shutter to think how much erotica has been written about Mr. Weasley and Samwise Gamgee. They’re both great characters but sometimes I just wish people would leave them alone.

On the other hand adding Zombies to anything, especially Jane Austin is always fun.

I can’t imagine adding zombies to Withering Heights. It is already close to a horror story as a dark hopeless gothic romance can get. Or adding zombies to Jane Eyre… well we know Jane would kick their rotted heads right off of their fragile putrified necks. Not sure if that would be before or after the crazy wife burns the house down.

Other books that could use Zombies are Little Women, The Bible, War and Peace, The Bridges of Madison County, Eat Pray Love, The Notebook, Gone Girl, and Tom Sawyer. 

And speaking of things that will never die…

Oh joy another version of Little Women is coming to the big screen. I say that with little joy. Nobody at my house is overly fond of that story. We just don’t like it. We don’t like the book. We don’t like the movies. We especially don’t like Marmee who needs to kick her deadbeat husband’s ass. A lot of ass needs to be kicked in that story.

Greta Gerwig is from Sacramento and we love her here. I do not love Meg, Jo, Beth, or Amy. Little Women definitely needs Zombies and maybe even some Werewolves. I’d love to see Laurie as a Vampire.

There are times when I feel like I’m the only adult in the room, or the only adult on the world of Internet writing groups (there are exceptions but those are rare.) But it isn’t just the Internet. Let’s get serious here.

As a parent, as a mom, as a parenting blogger, and as a concerned adult, I have a few options for those stuck in their YA wormhole.

I have a game called RATHER THAN. Let’s give it a go.

Rather than watch 

The Neverending Story (1984)

See

Tangerine (1984)

Rather than watch

Little Women (1933, 1949, 1994, 2018, 2019)

See

The Big Sleep (1946)

Rather than watch

Any Superhero movies that involves capes and lots of explosions

See

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

Rather than watch

Twilight (2008)

See

Pulp Fiction (1994)

 

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I’m not trying to put anyone down (even if I sort of am doing that.) When I first started my blog there were all sorts of asshats that told me what Vampires can and can’t do. I told them I do whatever the hell I want to do. No dark Vampire lords are going to tell me or my kids what to do. So I get it. I get it when you’re passionate about something and somebody like me comes along and puts you down. If you want to think I’m an asshole go ahead, but please consider growing up a little and finding your own story. Looking at the real world will help with your fantasy world – write something readers can relate to.

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And speaking of random thoughts…

Robert Clotworthy (The Curse of Oak Island) and Mike Rowe (Deadliest Catch) should switch programs for a few episodes. Think about it. Damn that would be fun.

Don’t get me wrong. I love jumping into another reality.  I love what cosplay people do. They’re amazing. I love events like The Dicken’s Fair, and Scottish Fairs, and Steampunk events. I LOVE Halloween. I love fantasy and science fiction and weird stuff and urban fantasy. For goodness sakes, I’m a Vampire. But even I have to live in the real world sometimes and deal with real issues.

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And what about me?

Juliette Kings writes the blog Vampiremaman.com.

She is currently working on a novel and it is November. She is also working on an illustrated version of Jane Eyre, trying to come up with more short stories, and continuing to landscape her yard. She is also still a mom and a Vampire. Want to know more? Read my blog.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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Dogs and Art make everything better

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November Plans and The Trixie Affair

I’m reading The Trixie Affair – A Gluten-Free Mystery. 

Just kidding that title has been popping into my head all morning.

November is a big month. Just yesterday it started to FINALLY cool off. Our first rain of the season will be later today or tomorrow. And believe me when I say RAIN is a big deal where I live (just out of the drought and in fear of fires near Sacramento, California.)

Vampires like cooler weather. Necks aren’t so hot and sweaty. Everything tastes better – even without Pumpkin Spice. But you CAN have pumpkin spiced blood if you want.

Mix together:
3 tablespoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground ginger
2 teaspoons ground nutmeg
1 ½ teaspoons ground allspice
1 ½ teaspoons ground cloves.

Put a teaspoon in a cup of warmed blood and enjoy. I do realize that there is no pumpkin in there. You COULD put in a tablespoon of canned pumpkin (unsweetened) if you want. Add a shot of Bourbon too.

November is also National Novel Writing Month. Otherwise known as: NaNoWriMo

Every November thousands of individuals write a novel in one month. Not all finish but at least they give it a try. Go to the web site and find a group, or do it on your own. You can find writing buddies, and even local events in your area. In fact, this Saturday the group in my town is having a write-in at one of my favorite local pubs. Check it out at: https://nanowrimo.org/dashboard

Write ALL THINGS VAMPIRE

This November I am honored to be part of Nano Poblano, the World’s Least Official Blog-Everyday-November Challenge. That is what the logo you’ll see on my blog this month is for. https://cheerpeppers.wordpress.com/2017-pepper-roll/

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Check out the bloggers below – Nano Pablano – Making November Spicy.

Ra @ Rarasaur
Julie @ Bug Bytes
Bill @ Bill Friday
Elsie @ Ramblings of a writer
Jessie @ Behind the Willows
Anita Shree @ Heartsongs blog
Sarina @ Shining Seeds Blog
Lori @ LoriStory Blog
Kasturika @ Musings of an eccentric mind
Lorna @ Gin & Lemonade Blog 
Angie @ The Muses Words
Varuna @ Vanilla With Sprinkles
Ghost @ Teleportingweena
Sibelius Russell @ Consolations Many Form Blog
Sarah @ Mother of Serendipity
Juliette Kings @ Vampire Maman
Lindsay @ The Flynnigans Blog 
Emily @ Zombie Flamingos Blog 
Carolyn R Owens @ Infinity Coaching Leadership Blog
Kitty Litterbox @ Litterbox Riot Blog 
Erica @ The Broken Spine Blog 
Erica @ The Ink Slinger Blog 
Charlene @ The Illusion Of Controlled Chaos Blog 
Sahara @ I Didn’t Just Wake Up This Morning With A Craving Blog
Briton @ Punk Rock Papa Blog
Kim @ Drunk On Life Blog 
David Ellis @ TooFullToWrite Blog
Tooks @ mrtookles (insta-blog)
Kate @ Will Wally Wonder 
Varad @ Loose End of the Red Thread
The Don @ Blended in the Middle Blog 
Palak @ Expressions Blog 
Victoria @ The Loneliness of the Stay-at-Home-Mother Blog 
Namratha @ NamySaysSo Blog 
Ka Malana @ Fiestaestrellas!
Edward @ Edward Fagan Blog
Robert @ Fresh Off the Pad Poetry
Lizzie Ward @ Cats and Chocolate Blog 
Jesska @ Not Throwing Stones
Quixie @ Quixie’s Mind Palace
Heather @ tUrtlettE Blog 
Sarah @ TZBlog
Matt @ The Matticus Kingdom
Cyn @ That Cynking Feeling

I believe I’m the only Vampire blogger on the list but there are other parenting bloggers, and every subject matter in the universe. This is a fantastic, diverse, and interesting group. Check out some of the other blogs. I don’t mind.

I will be blogging each day, including new posts from Vlad’s Vampire Diary, Ask Juliette, stories about having college aged kids, news from Eleora and Tellias the Ancient Senior Citizen Vampires, Nigel the Ghost, Werewolves, Zombies, and of course more Tangled Tales (Short Story Sunday.) I’ll also write about inspiration and coffee. Always coffee. Yes, even Vampires need their coffee.

Along with the blog I’m working on not one, but two novels. One features Nigel. The other is completely new – a father/daughter bonding sort of story with enough weirdness to keep the reader reading.

And if you see all of the men in your life growing mustaches it is because of Movember – https://us.movember.com

Check it out for the men you love.

And remember:

  • Talk to your kids.
  • Tell someone that you love them today.
  • Kiss your cat.
  • Hug your dog.
  • Call your mom and dad.
  • Plant some bulbs.
  • And stay away from bad blood.
  • xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

juliette

Vampire Maman

 

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom?

She was the wife of a ship captain. He sailed out of San Francisco in the 1850’s, from a bay so full of ships that there was barely room to maneuver. The first time she saw him…she missed her boat because her phone kept dinging.

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Walking away I pulled my hood up over her head to guard from the biting cold wind and rain. I walked down the street wanting to be anywhere but the court house. I was tired of waiting and waiting and waiting. What did they do behind those closed doors? Why did every single blessed thing take so long. I just wanted to go home and read a good book by the fire and watch the rain. I wanted to be with my children. I wanted it to be summer and meet my girlfriends after work for drinks at one of their favorite places by the river and watch the young testosterone laden assholes showing off in their ski boats and smell the mix of wild flowers, red wine…rewrite. 

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He came by in a tight fitting black tee and jeans that actually were from this century. He was a Roman god, a movie star, a gracefully aging male model. Women turned to look at him. But it just seemed that the high maintence ones edging on middle age who who flocked around him like groupies. Was it the money, his good looks? He was different with them. All flattery and dazzling toothpaste commercial smiles. Then I realized that he was just like them. Birds preening, always doing the mating dance. He should have been in the court of Louis the 14th. He should have been a fop and a dandy in velvets and heels. But with his build he should have been a Viking with his golden hair in braids and the biggest horns on his head with the biggest ship in the fleet, the biggest, well, the biggest everything. He was a professional show off. P.T. Barnum would have marketed Sammy as “The Perfect Male.”

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Nigel continued to rattle on. “I bet Sammy has black satin sheets in his bachelor pad. I bet he has a water bed. Does anyone have those anymore? I remember half the girls I dated had them. They used the excuse it was easier to move. Right. Always gave me a backache. I hated those things. Man, you don’t want to be in one of those things with a hangover. It’s like being seasick only worse. Death is easier than a hangover in a water bed. Believe me, I know first hand, and death is much much easier. I’ll tell you a bucket on the side of the bed wasn’t for bailing out water. What was that store that sold waterbeds, Night Comfort. The guy had commercials on late night TV and read letters from inmates at Folsom Prison who were dreaming about when they got out with their old ladies and their trusty waterbed. Ohhhhhh baby. Ray, I think his name was Ray, or maybe Chuck but I forgot what his last name is. And what sort of grown man calls himself Sammy? Sam maybe or Samuel but Sammy? Come on, you call a 4 year old or a dog Sammy but not a grown man. I thought he’d grown out of that once he got to Stanford.”

I turned around and glared at Nigel. If he wasn’t already dead I would have considered killing him.

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By the way November is National Novel Writing Month… I am working on a novel or two, or three, but sometimes I get distracted.

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~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Expert Dating Advice, Parenting Books and November Writing with the Vampire

Don't listen to a word I say.

Don’t listen to a word I say.

 

I will be writing a lot in November but without word count or updates other than this post.

I am signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), but the only think I might do is cut and paste what I’m working on at the end of the month (if I remember, which I won’t.) It will be well over 50,000 words. Last time I participated I wrote almost 200,000 words. Word count is never a problem for me. First of all I don’t care. Second of all I write like I talk so I can write a lot.

I’m only doing this because friends are doing it. No, I would never give this advice to my children. No they will not follow their friends off of bridges. They will never be involved in a crime spree because their friends told them to. Don’t even go there with me.

"We don't need no stinkin word count." Yes, this is the brilliant actor Alfonso Bedoya and I bet he didn't count his words either. Yes, this is from the 1948 Movie The Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

“We don’t need no stinkin word count.”
Yes, this is the brilliant actor Alfonso Bedoya and I bet he didn’t count his words either. Yes, this is from the 1948 Movie The Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

NaNoWriMo is a great tool. It is a fantastic tool.  It is a fun activity. I’m almost talking myself into it. I’m not introvert (but I am an asshole sometimes but usually I’m considered really nice and sweet) but I don’t like group things, at least not for me. I can’t explain. I love my friends and parties and…but I won’t try to explain. Anyway, look it up if you think you might have fun doing it. Hell, give it a try. Don’t listen to me. I’m just the chick who writes the weird Vampire blog.

The group events I hate most are corporate team building exercise type things. I hate that sort of worthless self-serving BS crapola almost as much as I hate parenting books and self-help books. But wait…wait…wait…

Idea FLASH: Maybe for NaNoWriMo I should write a parenting book AND a self-help book.

Coming Soon From Best Selling Author Juliette Kings:

Deliberate Parenting: Parenting the Smart Way –
Not the Stupid Way (and that means YOU)

and

Juliette’s No Nonsense Guide to
Love Letters, Dating, and Romance.

 

why get married

 

Sure thing, expect about 645,000 words from me by November 30th. I’ll take Thanksgiving off. Maybe the day after. I have to go find somebody else to clean up my kitchen so maybe even the day after the day after.

Write ALL THINGS VAMPIRE

There is an exception for November – I’m writing with a group of people. It isn’t an event or club or anything like that. I’m writing a section of a story, sort of, with four other authors, based on a story by one of the authors. I’m kind of confused by it all but I’ll figure it out. They are all nice people who are happy to put up with my shenanigans and clueless behavior. When we’re done I’ll put a link somewhere.

I’ve also promised someone else help with a romance novel. There might be some time travel involved, or a ghost, or a past life, or at least a handsome man with ripped abs and a deep voice and great hair. No Vampires.

And I’m writing this exceptionally deep and famous Vampire Parenting blog.

In addition to that I’ve got a book to the editor. And elderly friend of Eleora’s, a former text book editor, has agreed to help me out. She thinks my book is wonderful. I’ll get her the final 60 pages tomorrow. This is not a Vampire book, a self-help book, a parenting book, or a ghost story. It is just a popular novel with a good ending and a lot of twists and turns on the way to that ending. More on that later. I don’t tell you guys everything.

Right now I’m not doing any beta reading. Unfortunately I don’t have time and my comments would be worthless to you. Ask me later.

So happy writing to everyone out there who writes. Happy reading to those who read. Happy dancing, cooking, drinking wine, hugging your children, playing basketball (GO KINGS), being a Vampire, walking your dog, talking with your kids, and enjoying whatever it is that you enjoy doing.

Happy November.

My kids and their friends think it is cool when parents write stuff. That will be in my book.

And guys don’t forget to grow that mustache for MOVEMBER (to show your support for Prostrate Cancer testing and cures.) My Teddy is growing his out. Love you Teddy.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Thomas Nast rocking the facial hair

Thomas Nast rocking the facial hair

 

 

Random Public Service Announcements (for Vampires and Regular Humans)

Random Public Service Announcements

Cats

Flat Cat (Oscar)

Flat Cat (Oscar)

I used to let my cats go out at night. I mean, they’re nocturnal, I’m more or less nocturnal so it made sense. Unfortunately there seems to be more urban and suburban wild life around in the past few years. We’ve always had a lot of possums, skunks and raccoons around but lately there have also been coyotes. They’re everywhere and thrive among people. But with people come pets. Coyotes eat cats and sometimes dogs. So if you hear of coyotes in your area please keep those kitties inside at night so they don’t end up being midnight snacks. If you have rabbits, chickens or other critters in outdoor hutches make sure they’re safe and secure.

Writing

 Vampires write love letters tooWhile I am not doing NaNoWriMo this year I encourage any budding writers to give it a try. That is National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write a novel in a month. Ready – Set – Write!  It is a lot of fun plus you can interact and meet other writers with the same like-minds as yours.

http://nanowrimo.org/

Guys

I have enough talent for you baby

November is also Movember. Guys grow some hair on your face in support of prostrate health and Prostrate Cancer Research.

http://us.movember.com/

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is coming the last week of the month (for my American readers).  And why yes, Vampires DO celebrate Thanksgiving. Thank you for asking. I’ll have more on that in the coming weeks, including recipes (I kid you not.)

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Romance

Everyone needs a little romance! You’ll find it in Passion’s Prisms!

As the weather grows colder and the days grow longer (for my Northern Hemisphere friends, for those to the south think beach books) we spend more time inside with a pot of tea (or mulled blood) and curl up with a good book. For a short time the short story anthology Passion’s Prisms. I love this book. And good news – for a limited time it is available on Amazon and Goodreads for only $0.99. Can’t beat that price. Plus, not only will you feel good reading this book but you’ll know that part of the proceeds go towards MS Research.

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A collection of romantic stories and poetry by various authors. Love can be many things. For some, it’s sweet and sensual. For others, it’s tragic and painful. There are as many sides to love and romance as there are souls to experience them. Just as a prism transforms a beam of light into all colors of the rainbow, love blooms to its full potential, taking on a different shade with every heart through which it passes. The stories and poetry in this book are as diverse as their composers. You will find a bit of everything in here, from tenderness, sensuality and magic to the inevitable darker sides of romance – pain, tragedy and deceit. We are WPaD (Writers, Poets and Deviants), a group of writers from all over the world who have come together to collaborate on a series of themed charity anthologies. A portion of royalties will be donated to Multiple Sclerosis research in support of a fellow writer who lives with MS. Passion’s Prisms is our salute to romance, presented for your enjoyment.

A class act at a cheap thrills price!

Find it on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss/177-8471928-6875604?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Passion%27s%20Prisms%20WPaD

Fantasy – Free for the next 4 days

Exceptionally fun fantasy stories!  If you have a Kindle you can download for FREE “Dragons and Dreams: A Fantasy Anthology.” If you haven’t yet it will be free the next few days
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00EK5T3XQ

This books is a lot of fun!

If you don’t have a Kindle you can download the Amazon Reader (Kindle for PC) for FREE – YES FREE.

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Vampires

Halloween is over but we’re still here. If you hear any reports of Vampire Hunters or rogue Vampires please call your local Circle so they can take care of it. Please educate your kids, especially your Vampire teens of the risks. Also make sure all new Vampires and those Vampires who are out of touch get the same education. It is now time for outreach folks.

redvdrinksCraig from Vamp Blood and Liquor wanted me to let you know that he is having a sale on Poet’s Blood – 20% off per 12 bottle case. AB Blends are also on sale through Thanksgiving. And all RED California wine is on sale this month.

Vampire Maman

Have a fun weekend everyone,

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman