Vlad’s Vampire Diary: My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!

Kissed by a Vampire

Kissed by a Vampire

 

Dear Diary,

Once I was King of the Vampires. There were others who ruled Vampires in other places, but I was the only King. I was not just a ruler but a leader.

My birthday will be this week. When I was king there would be great celebrations. Now the celebration will be small.

I thought of music and turned on the radio. What insanity was this coming from the invisible sound waves into the little box on kitchen counter?

My oldest Vampire friend Randolpho and my Vampire lover Gillian were there. We drank red wine and blood cocktails. They both started to laugh and sing along.

What madness is this, I thought to myself at the crazy insane song playing through the the air by invisible musicians.

My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
M-m-m-my Sharona

“What is a sharona?” I asked.

“A woman,” said Randolpho. “She is called Sharona.”

“Sharona is her name?” I asked.

“Yes,” said Randolpho.

“Is she fixing or perhaps building his car?”

“No,” said Gillian.

“He sang  you make my motor run. Twice,” I said.

“It wasn’t a car,” said Randolpho.

“Then I assume he has a cat,” I said.

They both laughed, together, at the same time. I stood wondering what was so funny.

“Don’t even mention My Own Private Idaho to him,” said Randolpho.

“Oh my god,”said Gillian.

Then they started to laugh again.

I gave them a stern scolding. “Do not treat me as if I am a child or an idiot. I was locked in a crypt for three hundred years. I missed three centuries, including the Twentieth Century.”

“You did miss a lot,” said Gillian, who was still laughing at me.

“It is as if, what is the saying, as if I am living on another star,” I said.

“Planet,” said Gillian.

“Plan what? My birthday? That is what we are trying to do,” I said.

“Living on another planet Vlad. Another planet,” said Randolpho.

Then they started to laugh again.

I watched my friends slide to the floor still laughing and lean on each others as tears came down their cheeks.

Gillian looked up at me and said, “You’re so damn cute.”

I give up.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

The World Series of Baseball started tonight.

I was told not to ask why it is called the World Series and just accept it.

Why do they treat me like this?

I have found that baseball is a calming sport without the lunacy of football or other sports in which the players run around like herds of cattle. There is an individual element in baseball which I like. It is like Vampires. We are individual elements who work magic when with an organized group.

After that we watched baseball we watched ice skating from an event called Skate America. Gillian had recorded the men’s short program. She carefully explained to me that the short program is where them ice skaters do a specific number of elements in a short amount of time. I told her that I know what a short program is. I know what ice skating is. I have even learned how to both ice skate and roller skate in the past five years. I am what is called a fan. I can tell you who Nathan Chen and Jason Brown are. They would both make admirable Vampires.

Football would be better if they used the head of an opponent rather than an odd shaped ball.

Later, after those who say they are my friends had other activities to keep them occupied, I went out to find fresh blood and perhaps someone who would not laugh at everything I say.

At my friend Cassie’s pub I sat at the bar and spoke with Cassie when she was not busy. In the background I could hear the women say to each other as they looked my way, “He is so cute. He is gorgeous. I want some of that.”

I was drinking club soda so I do not think that is what they wanted. In fact, I dare say, I know exactly what they wanted. It made me smile, of course without my fangs.

I overheard someone laugh and call her friend a dork. I turned a smiled. The dork was a pretty young woman with short blonde hair and nice neck showing above a shoulderless sweater. The women all smiled at me. The one they called dork winked. I smiled back. Maybe I would have dork for dinner.

I looked up the meaning of the word dork on my iPhone. I find these phones are extremely useful tools.  

Dork: a silly, out-of-touch person.

I suddenly realized, in my ignorance, that I did not recognize the fact that the women were making jokes with each other.

I looked at Cassie. “Do you think I am a dork?” I asked.

Cassie leaned on the bar and put her face close to mine, “Maybe, a little bit sometimes, but you’re really just cute. You know you’re really cute Vlad.”

“That is what everyone I meet tells me. Yet, cute is what you call a kitten,” I said.

“Sure, and when I’m around you I get that warm and fuzzy kitten feeling.”

I gave her a weak smile. Warm and fuzzy? I did not even ask.

I was once King of the Vampires, feared by many.  It was said by many that even the Devil would not cross my path due to my fearsome and cunning ways. Now I am a warm and fuzzy kitten.

Later in the night I spent more time with the woman who had been called a dork. I found her to be exceptionally smart and witty. She had a laugh that sounded as if she’d been alive for as long as I had. It was full of smoke and gravel. I liked it. I told her about the history of where I came from, which was my history. I did not mention Vampires. She was fascinated, as was I. Then I took enough blood from her beautiful warm neck and left her with sweet dreams. I am a Vampire but I am not a fiend. If one of to be a successful and effective Vampire King one must be fierce but never a fiend.

Her name was Allyson and never did she once call me a dork or laugh at me. With that thought I give a deep sigh.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

Today is my birthday. I was born October 23, 1343. I am now six hundred and seventy six years old. I do not look a day over thirty two, maybe thirty four. Six hundred is the new thirty. I shall tell Gillian and Randolpho that I too have the ability to master the art of humor. I am not so sure that will satisfy them.

I over heard Randolpho tell Gillian, “It is also Weird Al’s birthday today too. He’ll turn sixty. Can you believe it?”

“Don’t tell Vlad. Oh my god, he’ll be so confused,” said Gillian. Then they both started to laugh hysterically.  I did not ask why or let them know I had heard them make their jokes at my expense.

This Weird Al character is a mere baby. What could he do that would confuse me so? I roll my eyes at their humor at my expense.

Tonight there shall be a party. Gillian and Randolpho told me that all of the plans were in place. They said I should not worry and that it would be fun.

My mind was still on modern music and my attempt to understand the strange words that everyone except me understood. Not only do fashions change over the years but language as well.

Later I asked Gillian, “Why do so many songs speak of women and cars?”

“It is a metaphore Vlad.”

“I see,” I said.  I did not see but I did not say anything.

Then she whispered, “You make my motor run. In fact, I’ll show you right now. Happy Birthday Vlad.”

And yes, so far it has been an extremely happy birthday.

~ Vald

 

 

 

 

This has been the 53rd installment of Vlad’s Vampire Diary. To catch up on all of Vlad’s Vampire Diary entries click here.

Oh, by the way it is also my birthday today!

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire Diary: The Heavens Above

Cat on Mars

Cat on Mars

 

Dear Diary,

Satellite radio. I did not know it was from the sky, from space, from out in moon and stars. I was under the impression that the name was like all other product names – just something that sounds unrelated and like only a simple-minded fool would pretend to know what it was. Today I find out that satellites, small machines circle the earth and send down music. What magic is this? Now I feel like the dimple minded fool, only I am not a simple-minded fool. Just a fool from another time. When one is locked in a crypt for three hundred years … no, it is not just the three hundred years, it is the last hundred and fifty years that have completely confused me.

I only within the last year understood the concept of telephone, television, and the Internet. I do not even try to understand cable television or the pricing on that.

After being asleep for three hundred years, entombed against my will, I forced myself to accept the things I can not see in this world of today. That is things such as electricity. I can understand electricity because of lightning or static in my hair.

Today I found out that people go to space. They have a building in space, a place to study science, they call The International Space Station.

I did not know it was in the sky. I thought it was an observatory or a, what do they say, a research station in a remote location. An island maybe. But they are living in the sky, in a large research building.

“Do they have weapons in this Space Station?” I asked my lover Gillian.

“Of course not,” she said as if I were a child.

“What if they are attacked?”

“They won’t be attacked. Who would attack them? Aliens?”

“Maybe the Fat Boy in North Korea,” I said. The strange man-child came to mind with his threats and tantrums. Another man-child came to mind as well. “There are followers of men who now rule, or wish to rule, foolish men, men who use fear and diversion to gain power would use space to terrorize the people down below. Perhaps this could be who will attack them up in the International Space Station.”

“Vlad, please, that is nonsense. You need to stop listening to the news and all of the conspiracy theory nonsense. Nobody in politics has cared about Space since the last man left the moon.”

Last man left the moon? I looked out the window. The moon hung as a crescent in the sky. It was so far away. It was so beautiful and mysterious.

I turned back to Gillian, still trying to understand what she had said. “Men have been to the moon?” I asked her.

“Yes.”

“When?”

“1968 – 1972.”

“How many men?”

“Twelve.”

“That is all? Are they still up there?”

“No, they all came back, safe and sound.”

“They went up and did not go back up again? How did they get up there?”

“Rockets. Space ships.” Gillian went on to explain about rockets named after ancient gods Apollo and Mercury.

“Did they bring cats with them?”

“Don’t be ridiculous Vlad.”

“How do they keep mice off of their ships?”

My head was spinning. I could not even think of such rockets and ships. When I was a child once an odd man from the Orient came to our castle with rockets and fireworks. It was like magic. We had cannons as well, but that seems positively primitive now.

I went out into my back yard. I could not stop looking at the night sky. Men and women flew around the Earth in SPACE. Men walked on the moon. They went up to the moon and walked around.

I imagined Vampires in the International Space Station or on the Moon. Then Gillian mentioned Mars. Mars! We would starve.

The first time I saw an airplane I could not believe my eyes. I have now even been on an airplane that is flying. But this space thing is almost too fantastic to believe.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

Gillian and I did what is called binge watching. We watched movies about Space.

We watched Apollo 13. We watched Star Trek. We watched a Trip to the Moon. We watched Gravity. We watched The Martian. We watched Guardians of the Galaxy. We watched Star Wars. 

I asked her about the first man Neil Armstrong. She pointed to the Moon and told me that was where his spirit was. She showed me the film of him walking on the Moon. The real film was not good like the movies but it was real. Then she told me about the Mars Rover. A self driven car on Mars. There is so much I need to learn. But I have time. I am a Vampire. I have a lot of time.

My head spins. I still cannot believe that I did not know about this space travel and science fiction.

Gillian my Vampire love looked at me and asked, “Did you notice one thing about the lead actors in the movies? Chris Pine, Chris Pratt, Harrison Ford, Matt Dillon?”

“What is that?” I was not feeling like playing guessing games.

“They are all cute, like you. That is cute.”

“But you said the raccoon was cute. Kittens are cute as well. I am not like a kitten or a gun carrying raccoon.”

“You are exceptionally cute my darling.”

I still do not understand this cute. I never will. But I will one day understand Space, the Final Frontier.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I heard of an event where teams from cities throw balls and run in a game for the honor of their cities. The champions fight to the end in what they call The World Series of Baseball.

This time a team called Cubs and a team called Indians went against each other in seven games. Bears and indigenous people both tough and still around after centuries of encroachments upon their territories. If they lived long ago the Cubs and Indians would have beaten each other to death with their clubs, and thrown balls at high speeds in order to kill each other. Now they run and we all sing songs together to celebrate. Everyone drinks beer. Everyone but small children.

I have come to appreciate Baseball. It is a sport which appeals to Vampires because of the elegance of the game, and the skill involved. And it can be played at night. Gillian said the players were cute.

Play ball. Take me out to the ball game. Buy me peanuts and Cracker Jack. Who is Cracker Jack? I will find out.

~ Vlad

 

Dear Diary,

I remember once walking down a city street feeling hidden, stalking, so stealth, the Vampire King, hunting, then someone dumped the contents of a chamber pot from a second story window onto my head. I had forgotten about that moment. Later I burned down the building.

A fortnight ago I was walking down the city street, late at night. I was not thinking about Space or Baseball. I was thinking about blood.

Before me was a group of young women standing outside of a local drinking establishment. I stopped, as if to pretend to look in and see what entertainments were inside. The four young women smiled, giggled (they always giggle), and spoke to me. I could tell they were each deciding which one of them I would choose for my attentions.

The one with blonde hair with dark roots, and pretty brown eyes whispered to her friend, “damn he is cute.”

Now I am both damned and cute. I continued to charm the ladies with my cuteness and genuine seductive flattery. Then I stopped and bid them goodnight and moved on. I continued to walk the streets past businesses and public houses with my mind on the world in which I live.

I thought about when I was Vampire King and faced with many difficult decisions. Difficult decisions were never a problem. It was all of the difficult personalities. It was the ignorance of humans I had to deal with.

One day my Baba came to visit. Even in her ancient age she was beautiful and wise, with raven hair and deep eyes the color of a stormy sea. We stood in one of the towers of my castle dining on goblets of fresh blood mixed with wine. She looked at the sky with all of the stars then gave me a smile with her impressive fangs.

“Vlad,” she said. “You are the King of the Vampires, a title which carries great responsibilities. I am proud of how well you have handled yourself. The Vampires rejoice at your wisdom and courage.” Then she lifted her hand to the heavens and said, “the angels live among the stars. And down below, live the demons and their king. Men fear both angels and demons, but you fear them not, for you belong not to their indenturement, but to yourself. You fear nothing and that makes all above and below respect you. They will not try to be your friend or ally. Better than that, they will leave you alone.”

Then Baba kissed my cheeks and told me to find myself a wife. I was still young. A wife was the last thing on my mind. Women of course were always on my mind, but it would take a strong-minded Vampire woman to be my wife.

Years later I would meet the one who would be my wife at a Witch burning. She looked on bravely as her friends roasted. I took her away from that place, back to my castle where Vampires ruled. It was a place where she would be safe. It was I have no idea where my wife is now. Maybe gone off with some other cute Vampire. Who knows? Maybe she is on the International Space Station studying stars and the effects of zero gravity on heartless blood sucking predators.

Gillian came in and asked me what was on my mind, for to her, I looked annoyed. What not cute? I made a joke. She made a polite smile. I took her in my arms and showed her how cute I can be. That made her smile. It always does.

~ Vlad

 

space-vampires-poster

 

Dear Juliette: Bedsheets, Baseball, and Blood

Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampiremaman.com

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

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Dear Juliette,

Vampires are sensitive. What thread count would you recommend for their bed sheets, and what other creature comfort home upgrades would you suggest for interior decorating?

~ Stylish Vamp

 

Dear Stylish Vamp,

I recommend 400-1,500 thread count. I also recommend a sateen finish. I hate to be short sheeted, and I hate wrestling with fitted sheets so sometimes I get King size sheets for my queen size bed. That goes for blankets too. Most Vampires I know can’t abide flannel sheets. The idea of them makes me feel claustrophobic.

I recently found a set of beautiful dark blackish green sateen sheets as Costco (of all places.) I’m going back for a second set, or maybe even a third. I like them that much.

Another recommendation is go for the Egyptian cotton. Believe me on this one. You’ll be able to tell the difference.

Vampires love decorating. That is those of us who live in homes in the modern world. Come to think of it, even the old timers get into it every once in a while.

Modern style (like my brother Max), or traditional Gothic (Vlad), all Vampires love their books and have them in almost every room of the house. Invest in good bookshelves. Go for something practical as well as beautiful.

Invest in a good refrigerator or wine refrigerator for your extra blood supply.

Make sure you have good window covers. Interior shutters for windows are good for bedrooms and easy to install. Interior shutters don’t have to look creepy. You can cover the exterior to look like elegant curtains. If you have neighbors you have to think about appearances. You don’t want anyone to think you’re weird. Really, believe me, you don’t.

Iowa has been in the news a lot lately, but there is a lot more going on there than politics. If you’re the rare Vampire who still likes to sleep in a coffin check out the Trappists Coffins made by monks near Dubuque. Their work is beautiful. Sure the coffins are made by monks but you don’t have to tell them you’re a Vampire when you put in your order.

Another trend for coffin sleepers is having stereo systems added in. That sounds sort of 1980’s to me. Remember those tacky water-bed head boards with the built-in eight track tape decks and vinyl bumpers? Sure you do. Just bring your smart phone or tablet to bed with you. Or just don’t sleep in a coffin.

~ Juliette

 

This is not my bed. I don't sleep in a box.

 

Dear Juliette,

With this being an even year, do you think the Giants will be hoisting the World Series trophy again, or will all that money they spent on pitchers who weren’t exactly at the top of their game last year come back to bite them?

~ BB Fan

 

Dear BB Fan,

You know how Vampires love their baseball, and with a large Vampire population within driving distance of San Francisco we love our Giants.

It is a lot of ask from the Gods of Baseball, but yes, they could win again.

In my humble opinion, in 2016 the Giants will showcase one of the most intimidating rotations in MLB. With Madison Bumgardner (and the crowd goes wild), Johnny Cueto, Jeff Samardzija (who might surprise us in a big way), and Jake Peavy, they might be able to pull of some good ball. The big problems with all of these guys, except maybe Madison, is that they keep hurting themselves. The Giants pitching line up has a lot of players so we might have some surprises from guys I haven’t even mentioned. You never know.

They just have to watch out for those Diamondbacks this year.

But all said, there is nothing like a game at ATT Park overlooking the San Francisco bay. It is always packed and always a great time.

As long as they don’t let Casey go up to bat I think they’ll be fine.

~ Juliette

 

 

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Dear Juliette,

Can a Vampire tell the difference in blood type alleles? Does it affect the flavor? Moreover: could a Vampire conceivably recognize a disease detectable by science merely by taste alone? Finally: is the blood of a single person distinct enough that, if a drop were left behind from someone a vampire had tasted it once before, that they could recognize it as belonging to that individual?

~ Bloody Curious

 

Dear Bloody,

That is a lot of information to take in all at once. I’ll give you the short answer.

Vampires can indeed tell the difference between blood types. Of course we can. Did you know that Werewolf blood has a hint of fine Bourbon in it? Well, it does.

Basic blood types yes, but I can’t give you a run down on your family tree. If I had a comparison I guess I could but who has time for that?

Can we recognize a disease by blood. Yes, and not just blood. We can sense when something isn’t right.

One drop? It depends on how fresh it is. There again, we can, some of us better than others. I am not in any kind of “enforcement” profession so I don’t regularly look for blood drops and lick them. But my brother Max is in that profession so sure, he can tell if he has to. And some of us are better at this sort of thing than others. Just like regular folks we’re not all identical. How boring would that be?

One thing that is interesting, and little known by the non-Vampire community is the ability to pick up temperament in the blood. Yes, there is something to the term “hot blooded.” Poet blood is more complex and rich in taste than others. Someone who is in mourning has a slightly bland taste as if something is missing. The list goes on. I could write a whole article on the subject.

It is the rare Vampire who does not have A+ type blood. For some reason people with that blood type convert over better. Use that fact next time you’re on Jeopardy.

~ Juliette

victorian vampire girl

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampiremaman.com

These are real questions from real readers. If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman