Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom?

She was the wife of a ship captain. He sailed out of San Francisco in the 1850’s, from a bay so full of ships that there was barely room to maneuver. The first time she saw him…she missed her boat because her phone kept dinging.

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Walking away I pulled my hood up over her head to guard from the biting cold wind and rain. I walked down the street wanting to be anywhere but the court house. I was tired of waiting and waiting and waiting. What did they do behind those closed doors? Why did every single blessed thing take so long. I just wanted to go home and read a good book by the fire and watch the rain. I wanted to be with my children. I wanted it to be summer and meet my girlfriends after work for drinks at one of their favorite places by the river and watch the young testosterone laden assholes showing off in their ski boats and smell the mix of wild flowers, red wine…rewrite. 

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He came by in a tight fitting black tee and jeans that actually were from this century. He was a Roman god, a movie star, a gracefully aging male model. Women turned to look at him. But it just seemed that the high maintence ones edging on middle age who who flocked around him like groupies. Was it the money, his good looks? He was different with them. All flattery and dazzling toothpaste commercial smiles. Then I realized that he was just like them. Birds preening, always doing the mating dance. He should have been in the court of Louis the 14th. He should have been a fop and a dandy in velvets and heels. But with his build he should have been a Viking with his golden hair in braids and the biggest horns on his head with the biggest ship in the fleet, the biggest, well, the biggest everything. He was a professional show off. P.T. Barnum would have marketed Sammy as “The Perfect Male.”

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Nigel continued to rattle on. “I bet Sammy has black satin sheets in his bachelor pad. I bet he has a water bed. Does anyone have those anymore? I remember half the girls I dated had them. They used the excuse it was easier to move. Right. Always gave me a backache. I hated those things. Man, you don’t want to be in one of those things with a hangover. It’s like being seasick only worse. Death is easier than a hangover in a water bed. Believe me, I know first hand, and death is much much easier. I’ll tell you a bucket on the side of the bed wasn’t for bailing out water. What was that store that sold waterbeds, Night Comfort. The guy had commercials on late night TV and read letters from inmates at Folsom Prison who were dreaming about when they got out with their old ladies and their trusty waterbed. Ohhhhhh baby. Ray, I think his name was Ray, or maybe Chuck but I forgot what his last name is. And what sort of grown man calls himself Sammy? Sam maybe or Samuel but Sammy? Come on, you call a 4 year old or a dog Sammy but not a grown man. I thought he’d grown out of that once he got to Stanford.”

I turned around and glared at Nigel. If he wasn’t already dead I would have considered killing him.

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By the way November is National Novel Writing Month… I am working on a novel or two, or three, but sometimes I get distracted.

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~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

Tonight We’re Talking About Vampires, but not really…

As the Earth’s foremost Vampire Slash Parenting Blogger, I plan on getting back to my roots today and talking about Vampires. I’ll talk a bit about parenting too.

As usually I’m being side tracked left and right, and every other direction. This afternoon I heard about this year’s big senior prank at the high school.

Vegetable Oil. Gallons and gallons of vegetable oil all over the main wings of the school. On the A-Wing, which is the entire front length of the school, housing all of the English classes and a few other, the windows were smeared with oil. The hallways all over the school were slick with the stuff. One kid was rubbing his hands on the windows then through his hair. Kids were doing the skating/slip-n-slide thing on the oil. A kid in an electric wheel chair did some spin outs (on purpose). Unfortunately two other students in wheel chairs had to go home because the gunk got in the equipment. A clean up crew with sand and God knows what else had to come in to clean up the mess. Then some girl called 911 from the school (for no reason), and about half the kids at school were just going nuts doing other stupid things. Graduation for the Seniors is Friday. In my opinion everyone is done with school this year and Friday should be the last day for everyone. I bet the teachers wouldn’t mind. But back to the oil… the kids almost got away with it but they posted the event on Snapchat. They will not be walking on graduation and their parents will have to pay for the clean-up. Yes, kids, if you want your parents to pay for your college don’t do shit like this.

Right now my Vampire life seems pretty normal. It is normal for me. It is just all of those other “people,” you know, with the warm blood and beating hearts that are kind of weird. More than kind of weird – really weird.

Which brings me back to when I was a teen, a long long time ago, in another time. Same place more or less, but a very different time.

When I was my daughter’s age Bell invented the telephone.

John Hopkins, who is buried not far from here, opened his University.

Budweiser was born. No kidding.

Samurai are banned from carrying swords in Japan.

The first cremation in the United States takes place in a crematory built by Francis Julius LeMoyne.

Rutherford B. Hayes is elected president and the United States survives. Hayes believed in meritocratic government, equal treatment without regard to race, and improvement through education. He was considered in the bottom half of US Presidents.

Yes, that is what was going on in 1876. I had planned on those fun filled facts to launch into something else about Vampires, when someone comes close to me and whispers in my ear, “come upstairs I have to show you something.”

I go upstairs where my daughter shows me Vape Nation videos on YouTube. Then she laughs and says, “This guy is just like the boys at my school. This is what I have deal with.”

The video was of a grown man, pants in socks, sunglass flaps up on his glasses, a bandanna on his head, and looking sort of stupid. He was acting cool and all excited about vaping – the smoking kind of vaping. It was super stupid. You might find it funny.

Why are kids so fascinated with vaping, especially boys? Who knows. Ask their dicks. Seriously, first in the stone age it was rocks. That graduated to fire. With that came chewing just about anything, smoking anything, spitting anything, and bad words. Maybe it is the lack of large brightly colored tail feathers, or size. Maybe this is just one of those unanswered questions of the universe that we will NEVER know the answer to. Look at any well respected man and remember, more than likely he was a stupid boy (according to most teenage girls.)

I’m not male bashing. I can bash on the girls too, but I was supposed to be writing about Vampires. Oh the distractions.

After the vape video, my husband, who has no patience for our silly girls giggle stuff, said to come downstairs because he was going to start something without me. I never got back to this post. And this morning, or maybe sometime today, I have a burning “Ask Juliette” post to write. There are fifty thousand other things important to do as well (OK maybe four or five on the list for today.)

Vampire lore will have to wait. A lot of things can wait, but teens can’t. If you have one at your house you have to spend time with it. They’re like puppies. This is your last chance to slather your influence, and love on them.

I’ll talk to you later. I have a teen that needs to be told to get ready for school.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Distractions

“You always end up somewhere,” said the Ghost leaning on the edge of the table as he watched me attempt to write.

As soon as he materialized I completely lost my train of thought. It is the same when my husband is around. I can’t think of anything. The words get lost no matter if I’m writing a business correspondence, a note to a friend, or a novel.

“Even if you sit still and do nothing you’ll end up somewhere. It might not be where you’d like to be, but it will be somewhere. And it might just be where somebody else would like to be.”

“Just shut the fuck up,” I growled at him, showing some fangs. He just pisses me off to no end.

“You’re so rude, even for a Vampire,” he said, his voice going higher on the word “rude” then lowering again in a condescending way.

“I’m working on something. You need to leave,” I told him.

“You’re in a creative dead zone, no pun intended.”

“If you’re done you can leave.”

He just stood and stared at me.

“Go haunt someone else,” I told him.

“But I like haunting you,” he said with a smile.

So far everything today has been sidetracked. It started out with blood stains and cat barf on the carpet, then went on to changes in my schedule due to everyone, then just when I’m trying t wrap my brain around some brilliant thoughts Nigel, the dead man, the Ghosts, shows up.

Nigel looked at my computer. “That looks good. But what do you mean you can’t write when I’m looking at you?”

“You’re a distraction.”

The radio played in the background. We both heard insane political news that sounded like it was out of a bad movie.

“You know, the year I died things weren’t as scary as they are now, but some things haven’t changed. There was bombing in the Middle East. It was Libya. Back at home postal worker shot fourteen of his coworkers. We had no idea that it was just the beginning of…holy shit. Then I had some posters made up for an art show. When I got to the printer he was making a batch of flyers proclaiming that George Bush, the first George Bush was the Anti Christ. The Vice President of the US was the Anti Christ. Man, that guy had NO IDEA. If he was afraid then, then he should be afraid now. True story. I kid you not. Damn, I missed the fall of the Berlin wall.”

“You missed a lot of things,” I told him.

“Reality TV. I swear, just because someone is on reality TV doesn’t mean that they know what reality is. Far from the truth. They are as far removed from reality as a human can get. And they think they can run things. ”

“That is why Vampires don’t have their own television shows,” I told my ghostly friend.

“Just the opposite, nobody knows you exist. They think you’re just normal folks.”

“We’re more normal than you think. At least we’re honest about our blood sucking.We are not the ones people should fear.”

“Good point Vampire. Maybe I should get my own Ghost show.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

Then Nigel the Ghost laughed and vanished in a crackle of static electricity.

My brain is still on off mode. Or maybe it is just full.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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Do you need help with something burning in your brain or heart…

Dear Juliette (Ask A Vampire) is a regular Thursday feature on Vampiremaman.com

I only post real questions from real readers. The only made-up stuff you’ll find is in my answers. But seriously, the answers are real too.

If you need advice or just have an interesting question send it to: juliettevampiremom@gmail.com

 

 

The True Nature of Things

A small dead bird appeared outside of my backdoor about ten minutes after I let the calico cat out this morning. She usually eats what she kills but this time she just left it. For me? It is a sad and unwanted gift. Is a teeny tiny bird soul flying away right now? At the same time I realize that cats are hunters. It is what they do.

At one time we all think about what our true nature is. OK maybe not, but it sounds sort of lofty and like blog post fodder so I’m going to run with it. Plus we were sort of talking about the subject last night.

My brother Andy decided to bring up politics. We were talking about those who have decided to run for President and those who insist on saying stupid things. “Politicians say things they know are wrong to placate the ignorant masses that might vote for them. They sell their souls to the gods of ignorance and lies. They’ll say evolution is wrong, and rape is acceptable as long as it doesn’t result in an abortion. They’re obsessed with the sex lives of others. They fear beliefs that are not their own. They fear everything they don’t understand. They close their eyes, ears and hearts. Only their mouths keep going, shouting and eating every lie and every soul they can find. They’ll line the road to Hell with bibles, lies and dead brain cells. Men sell their souls for power with the very souls of those they wish to control. It is in their nature to follow even though they pretend to lead. They’re vile creatures who lower themselves to the basest levels of humanity as the grasp for the tarnished idol of power. Antum religio potuit suadere malorum.”

Alright Andy. That was heavy, but more or less true. Val gave me an amused and knowing glance. We stopped the discussion on the stupidity of politicians who embrace ignorance before our heads exploded.

This is one of the reasons Vampires stay hidden in the shadows (along with Werewolves and a few others I won’t mention right now.)

As Vampires, I know some of you would tend to believe that our true nature is to be blood thirsty and rip throats out while the stuff runs down our chins. Stop right there. You all know I’ve written before, many times before, about blood stains and the high cost of dry-cleaning. Plus who wants stuff running down her chin. Come on, are we not adults here?

“Are you still working on the Dracula illustrations?” Val had to ask.

“Getting back to it,” I told him. “I’ve done some sketches but haven’t found the right face for the Count.”

“Don’t make any of them look like us,” said Andy. Of course Val and I know that Andy would love for me to base the likeness of one of the characters on him. I take that back after running the list through my head. No real Vampire would want to be like Dracula, at least not any in our circle. It just isn’t in our nature.

We like people. I have to admit that sometimes I have a love/hate relationship with humanity.

It is in my nature to think of amazing things and visualize them then get distracted. It is in Val’s nature to undistract me. It is in Andy’s nature to be both intense and distracted. As long as we understand our short comings and our strengths we do fine.

Luckily none of us are politicians.

Did I mention I get distracted? I don’t even remember the point of this post. I stepped away for a bit and, well, that is in my nature.

But no matter what my brothers are darling – as darling as they were as teens, a long time ago.

I’ll have more soon. I have art to do.

Have a good evening everyone (or just say it like Dracula in your best fake Vampire accent.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

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