Love, Friendship, and Vampires

“I love it when I bite into someone’s neck and it pops, you know like when a really perfect hot dog pops when you bite it.”

My friend Cody sat across from me at our favorite neighborhood coffee place, and told me his thoughts on being a Vampire. He was so excited and enthusiastic. I’m so used to confused, angry, and sad new Vampires. Cody embraced the strange and wonderful world he accidentally joined five years ago.

He continued by telling me the latest about his new start-up business. He’d been some sort of marketing manager for a Silicone Valley high-tech company when his car plunged into the Pacific Ocean and he was rescued, and necessitated by a Vampire. Now he’d met two other young Silicone Valley Vampires (and engineer and a programmer,) and they went out on their own.

I’m known for mentoring and watching after new Vampires. Cody and I have become close friends. He can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but he is so refreshing. He is the new face of Vampires.

Lola soon joined us, flipping her chestnut colored hair up out of her jacket as she slid in the booth next to Cody. I noticed she wasn’t showing a hint of a limp anymore. About the time Cody joined the legions of Vampires, Lola was attacked by Vampire Hunters.

A night of insanity, including a flamethrower, and too many bullets to count had caused great damage on my lovely Great Great Great Great Grandmama. Her legs finally healed, but her heart will take longer. Luckily for her Cody came into our lives.

The age difference bothers some of my family. Cody was born in 1978. Lola was born in 1343. They’re both embracing the well-groomed hipster look, and they’re both championship bull shitters.  Love works in mysterious ways.

As Lola and Cody were up at the counter getting coffee I wondered about flamethrowers. Who the hell buys those things. Flamethrowers are legal in I believe 48 states. Then again, if anyone wants any kind of weapon they can get it.

They sat back down next to me, like any other young couple in their late 20’s – early 30’s.

Lola is never creepy or predatory like some old musty Vampire bitches (not the kind we associate with.) Cody is never overly sensitive or insensitive. They have that “just right” mix.

I thought about my own husband. I need to do something romantic tonight, even if it is just a small gesture of desire, or devotion.

No matter what kind of crap gets thrown at you over the centuries, there is always room for love in your cold unbeating Vampire heart. Even when it has been riddled with bullets, and halfway burned out of your chest. Somethings die but never the desire to love.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

A Lunch Date With Zombies

A Lunch Date With Zombies

Fridays are usually my lunch hunt date. I switched things up this week and took Cody, my young “Vampire in Training” out with me on Monday.

Lunch dates are fun ways for Vampires to hunt right out in the open. They involve fun, flirting, a bit of seduction and just enough blood to get you going for the weekend ahead. And regular humans never even suspect. They just leave the situation feeling warm and fuzzy, a little tired, and they think they’ve, well, you know.

Cody and I had arranged to meet an old friend of mine at my office with an associate of his. They were Lobbyist for the farming industry (after all we’re in the State Capitol and in the largest agricultural state).  Mike and Melissa. I’m in public relations and do work for them from time to time.

Cody is shy by nature, a sweet likeable young man, but when it comes to hunting he is extremely shy. Most new Vampires can’t wait to get hunting, but with Cody it is more of a sweet romance, rather than just taking what one wants.

So to make a short story long, a guy in a suit shows up at the door. He looks like he’s been to hell and back then I recognize him as Mike. Behind him is Melissa, who is usually the perkiest blonde I’ve ever met, looking ashen and un-perkey.

I wonder if someone died, then realize, somebody has. They don’t smell right. They don’t look right. My stomach turns. Even Cody is picking up on something.

I step back.

“Juliette” says Mike “You have to help us.”

He puts his hand on my arm and I immediately feel it – ZOMBIES.

Funny, likable and extremely smart Mike, a sixth generation California farmer, graduate of UCD (THE Farm School) and successful advocate for the farmer is now…for all practical purposes DEAD.

And don’t give me any crap about being a Vampire. My flesh isn’t rotting and I’m not craving human brains for lunch. Plus I know where my soul is.

I’m confused. Both Mike and Melissa look good, all things considering.

Plus I thought all the Zombies had been confined to a compound in the Mojave Desert outside of Barstow.

“We’ve taken massive amounts of antibiotics to help prevent the rot and we’ve been drinking a lot of embalming fluid. That keeps the smell off and slows down the rot.” Mike told us.

The pair was driving across the Imperial Valley when they were stopped at a roadblock. Little did they know what seemed to be police were actually rogue Zombies.  Later that night they were picked up by the authorities and brought to the super secret Area Z, where Zombies are kept to be monitored and studied.

I thought of long afternoons with Mike and how sweet his blood tasted. I thought of the slow seductions and languid after glows. Now here he was, doing everything he could to keep his skin from falling off in sheets. Holy crap, this was bad.

“What do you need?” I asked.

Mike put a hand to his face, adjusting his left eye back into the socket. “I want you to turn us into Vampires.”

OK, this is where the sound effects do a screeching halt. The very idea of a Zombie is revolting but putting my lips on the flesh of a Zombie and sharing blood. Putrid rotting blood.

“Has this ever been done?” Asked Cody.

“No, or at least never that I’ve heard of.” I said. “So much could go wrong.”

“Nothing could be worse than it is already.” Melissa wailed and watched as her thumbnail fell to the floor along with the tip of her thumb.

I thought about it for a moment then spoke in secret to Cody. I had an idea. If it worked we’d be heroes. If it didn’t we’d have to kill the Zombies, no matter that they were our friends.

I took Cody into the small kitchen area of the office where we bit into our wrists and let our own Vampire blood drain into two coffee cups.

The Zombies drank and before our eyes their skin went from gray to the color of their former living flesh (peaches & cream and coffee & cream – Vampires always think of everyone in terms of food, we can’t help it).

“I won’t turn you, not yet, but see if this helps. Don’t tell a soul, or anyone without a soul. Don’t tell anyone or I will hunt you down and kill you myself. Do you understand?”

They said they understood. I thought my stomach was going to drop out and my head would explode as they left the building.

Cody was about to speak when I told him. “The same goes to you Cody. If you tell a soul I will kill you and it won’t be fast or painless.”

“Got it.” Said Cody. I thought of my favorite movie line and said to Cody. “This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Cody smiled.  Then and there I knew he’d make a great Vampire.

I’ll keep you posted on Mike and Melissa – when and if I hear anything.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Note: Yes, you might have seen this post before. Happy Halloween. We can’t forget our Zombie friends tonight. They might be falling apart but we still love them.

 

zombie baby and cat


 

 

In the house of 26 windows

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Why yes, I’ve taken up house keeping in your walls and I’m quite comfortable. Thanks for asking.

 

 

I live in a house with twenty-six windows.

I am a Vampire.

My home is on a hill so that creates a nice cool space under the house where we keep wine, camping gear, yard tools, and boat stuff, among other things. There are no coffins under there. There are no coffins anywhere in my home.

Windows let in the light. Windows also let in the night. They let us watch rare lightning storms. They let in the moonlight. Windows let me view the fog without the dampness.

Wait…I was just going to muse on about living next to an oak forest, and the peaceful setting, and more windows, but I think I just heard gunfire. What the fuck is wrong with people? Sure shooting guns is fun but not in a residential area. Not near a public park. It doesn’t matter that there is a lot of undeveloped land around. Assholes.

A few nights ago, about a mile away, some white trash yahoo shot a gun into the air a bunch of times then shot up a car. Needless to say he is in jail right now. We’ve had two drug related drive by shootings in our quiet relatively crime free community in the past year so everyone is a bit on edge. One was a sixteen year old who had been involved in drug traffic. What a sad waste.

So back to my musings on windows but I’ve totally and completely lost my train of thought.

I’d like to say that I can take care of annoying people. Not as in bringing them chicken soup when they are sick, but as in making them live in fear, or have nightmares that drive them crazy, or other creative solutions. I can, but I don’t, as long as they stay away from me or those I love. As with most Vampires, I just take a deep breath and keep writing (or doing whatever I was doing.) We aren’t super heroes or keepers of the calm. We’re just Vampires. We pick our battles carefully. Then again, doesn’t everyone with half a brain.

Oh great. Now I hear squirrels running around in the wall, between the floor of the upstairs and the ceiling of the downstairs. I am not happy. Squirrel squatters are the worst kind of animal trash. And no, my cats are not earning their keep right now.

Ants are in my house too. I can usually manage them. Our neighbors haven’t been so lucky. They put their cat food dish in a bowl of water so the ants can’t get at the food.

Turkeys are in my yard. I can hear them in the back picking through the dry grass (we’re in a drought remember.) They have done their best to try to dig up the roses in my front yard. There are six of them. All females. They make their rounds digging in yards, looking for whatever turkeys eat. The small calico cat used to stalk the turkeys but now she just ignores them. Don’t suggest shooting them. Just don’t.

Last winter I came home to find a large dead male turkey right in the middle of my front yard. I have no idea what happened. No idea. But there was a broken branch in one of the trees above the dead bird. I just figure he was drinking and fell out of the tree.

So if you thought Vampires are solitary creatures you are wrong.

Speaking of which, I have to get the door. I’ll be back.

That was my charming young hipster friend Cody. I suppose I can’t call him a Vampire in training anymore, or even a new Vampire. He has been part of the community for four years now.

I told him he could take my squirrels and make a beard out of them. Or maybe a coat. Those were jokes of course. Bad jokes but jokes never the less.

My young friend (he is in his mid-thirties) stopped by for coffee and lively discussion. It is what Cody and I do. Today, in a rare burst of emotion, he was asking a lot of questions.

First he asked, “Why do I still need to wear contacts or glasses during the day, but I can see crystal clear in the dark?”

“Our eyes are sensitive to the light,” I told my young friend. “It is just part of being a Vampire. Our night vision, the ability to see in the dark, is a gift. One of many gifts.”

“Is it wrong to be in love with a woman who is six hundred years older than I am?”

“No.” I answered. Of course it that was one of my kids I’d flip and have to go beat the living moonlight out of that old Vampire. But Cody is an adult…long story for another blog post.

He talked, while I listened, about the fact that he could feel the emotions and even the thoughts of others. It was overwhelming to him sometimes.

He talked about how he could smell warm blood inside of live people and it reminded him of summer barbecues and that bothered him. I told him that it happened to all Vampires from time to time.

Then he asked the one question that got on my nerves. “What is that noise?”

“Squirrels.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll blast roller skating music at them. You know, organ music played to popular songs in classic dance beats.”

“That would do it. Or you could hire someone with traps to come out.”

“I could do that too. I could also feed them peanut better cookies until they get so fat they explode.”

We had more coffee and spoke to the transitions in our lives. Even Vampires have transitions. Even 155 year old Vampires have transitions.

“Sometimes I miss things, like being warm. In the winter I can’t see my breath in the cold air,” said Cody.

I’ve always been like this, but I remember as a child wishing I could breath out fog like regular humans could. Growing up this way makes being this way normal.

“Cody,” I said, “your feelings are normal. Your new world is normal too. Take it from me, no matter where you are, make it your normal.”

I’m sure that made no sense at all to him, but he looked at me as if I was some self-help guru.

“Like a new normal,” he said.

“Like the normal you’ll always had but just different. Even if you had never become a Vampire you’d still have major changes in your life.”

Then we talked about books, and had more coffee, and went for a walk down by the lake.

And now, I’m back here with my cats, the squirrels, and still no ideas about my twenty-six windows and how I’m going to tie those into a life lesson story. Oh well.

Have a good week everyone. And don’t feel stupid to ask questions. There are no stupid questions. OK there are stupid questions but I’m a mom and I’m not supposed to say that.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

The house with 26 windows

The house with 26 windows

 

 

 

 

 

Experience: Parenting, Teens and New Vampires

As smart as the teens in your life are, as worldly as they may seem, they are still inexperienced children. Sure they look like adults. Sure in some places in history and in the world today they’d be considered adults, but they aren’t.

One earns the right to be an adult with experience and that moment the lightbulb goes off when you suddenly realize out that money is earned, relationships need to be nurtured, and it never gets easy. That doesn’t mean that it never gets fun. That doesn’t mean that all happiness gets sucked out of your life. It just means that you have to wake up and pay for your own coffee. Yes, and remember to smell the roses without anyone reminding you to do it.

As the poster child for missed opportunities, cluelessness, bad decisions and what-could-have-been, I can say all this. Yes, I learned from my mistakes. It doesn’t mean I still don’t make mistakes. Oh, and I forgot everybody’s favorite what-could-have-been. But yes, like I just said, I learned from my mistakes so I can see what young people go through and try to guide my children, or at least encourage them not to let fear, anger, despair, misplaced romance or plain stupidity fog their judgment.

Anyway…

I’ve found that when someone turns into a Vampire, it is almost like being a teenager again. Everything changes – both physically and mentally. They change in ways they could have never imagined, no matter what they thought they knew.

My young friend Cody was a happy and successful Silicone Valley executive when he woke up one morning with a craving for human blood and fangs. Four years after the fact Cody has adapted quite well and embraced his Vampire self, but there are still frustrations. The learning curve is still there, even thought Cody firmly believes he knows everything. Yes, does that remind you of any seventeen year olds you might know?

Just as you need to give your teens a break and spend time talking with them, and listening, you need to do the same with your new Vampire friends.

Yes, they’re going to do stupid things like over indulge on blood or sleep for a week. They’re going to offend older Vampires. They’re going to make a lot of mistakes, but they’ll learn. So give them a break and let them know if they’re making fools of themselves. It is our job to protect them and teach them. After all, we will be spending a long long long time in their company.

That is all for today. Just a thought. And don’t forget to give a hug to your favorite Vampire today. And don’t forget to tell your kids that you love them – always.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Change, fear and new beginnings

The holidays gave me a break from the day-to-day nonsense and trouble shooting I’m frequently asked to do. I can’t tell you how nice it was to spend time with my children, husband, family and friends. Aside from a short Christmas letter from a couple of Zombie friends, all was calm and bright.

That came to an end today when I got one of those “Juliette you gotta help me out” calls.

Jeff is a man in love. He is also a Vampire. Regular people might not recognize him as a Vampire, but this sort of hipster young guy has been a successful Vampire for almost 7 years now. If I didn’t know it I’d think he’d been a Vampire for 70 years. He is comfortable in his slightly cold skin and living the life of the “undead.”

Unfortunately, like I said, Jeff is in love. He reconnected recently with Heather, a college girlfriend. She was quietly living a nice life as a successful graphic designer when she ran into Jeff one day and after four years of separation the sparks reignited. This is where the unfortunate part comes in. He fell in love this time and fell hard. Jeff also talked Heather into becoming a Vampire like him.

“She’s freaking out. I don’t know what to do. You gotta help me Juliette,” he said on the phone sounding like he was going to cry.

I told my husband Teddy to come with me. We drove up to a nice ranch style house with large yard and a lot of oak trees. Jeff greeted us at the door looking paler than usual.

Jeff led us into a fashionable living room. “Heather? I brought in some friends to to you. They can explain things better than I can honey.”

A young woman with short blonde hair sat curled in a black leather couch.

She looked up eyes the color blue of an evening sky. Heather had that kind of pretty face with big eyes and sharp features that could rock the pixie cut. Her eyes went right to Teddy.

For those of you who don’t know about Teddy, my darling husband, he might be one of the most handsome men who ever lived. Despite that fact the man is somewhat modest about his looks. That is even more astonishing for a Vampire.

Teddy sat on the couch next to her.

“Heather, how old are you?”

“Twenty six.”

“The same age I was when I became a Vampire. Only I’d never heard of such a thing, not even in myth. I didn’t even know what had happened until I came out of a long nightmare of the illness we all go through. At least we survived.”

The survival rate is about 10% for those attempting to become Vampires. More if one does their research beforehand. Some transition better than others. If they’re lucky they keep their souls and nobody tries to kill them right away.

Teddy took Heather’s hand. “I know how it feels to wake in this nightmare. You get used to it. You accept it. Then eventually you might even embrace it. I’m not going to tell pretend that you’ll never forget or wonder what your life might have been. You’ll never forget who and what you were. You’ll always be yourself.

You can never go back, but that doesn’t mean you have to leave it all behind. My family and friends, the entire world for that matter, thought I was dead of some sort of brain fever. That was 1876. Things are different now.”

Teddy could see Heather doing the math in her head. “I’m 165 years old. Born in 1849 while my parents were making the trip across Panama to the California Gold Fields.”

They talked into the night discussing things I’ll never know except from the stories of others. I’ve always been this way. This is my normal. It has never been normal for Teddy. That said, I couldn’t imagine a better Vampire than my husband.

Jeff and I sat on the back porch with a couple of beers (Blue Moon) and talked about the situation. He never had any problems with the whole Vampire deal so he never imagined Heather would be so freaked out. We spoke of change and fear. We spoke of leaving it all behind. By “it” I mean everything you know and love.

I know how I’ve mentioned before that certain aspects of space give me the Willies. Today I looked on the web site for the Mars expedition. I read the application form for potential Mars pioneers. It scared me. There was such an odd frigid fear at every corner of my already cold dark soul. I couldn’t imagine leaving Earth to go live on a rocky red planet with no trees or mountains or birds or life. Even worse was the fact that they could never go home.

I suppose one could say that about explorers on Earth. You could say that about those who came out California during the Gold Rush of 1849. But they could always go back home or at least know there was a possibility of going home.

I imagine Heather was feeling as if she’d volunteered to go to Mars and changed her mind the day after the space ship landed. She’d never be able to go home.

What a tragic thought. I started to wonder about anyone who was caught in a place they didn’t want to be in. How horrible to feel trapped and doomed forever.

Then again how bad could being a Vampire be? Honestly, I can’t imagine anyone being upset by it. Of course the sensitive side of me can imagine the sense of loss but on the flip side… you know, it isn’t a bad deal.

Teddy and Heather eventually came out to join us. We sat under the stars in the cold and talked for a while. It will take Heather a while to adjust to her new life, but with a huge support system and Jeff’s devotion to her she’ll be fine. Change can be good, if you do it right.

That’s it for tonight. I’ll report on Heather and Jeff in the future. In the meantime check on the links below for more thoughts on Mars, space and scientific discoveries.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

cateclipsemic event

 

 

 

 

By the way, there IS life on Mars. Check my links below for proof and other space related posts.

Astounding New Proof of Life On Mars

Astounding and Astonishing Photos From Mars

More Astonishing Proof of Life on Mars

Astonishing Images of Life on Mars – The Collection

Space, Time, Lucky Stars and Vampires

Musings on Gassy Planets, Vampires and Uncle Max

Cosmic Adventures and the Final Frontier

Vampires, Werewolves, Pluto and the Brilliant Logic of Youth

Cateclispsemic Event

What Really Scares a Vampire

Alien Girl Paper Dolls

A Ray of Hope

The Real Mars Web Site – Mars One (not mine)

 

 traditional vampire

Musings on a California Morning

Winter skipped my corner of the world this year. While the rest of the country is shoveling out their Winter Wonderland I’m having coffee outside at dusk, as always, out on the deck with the cat. No shoes. Thinking of what the rest of the day, the week, the month brings.

No Ghost, Goblins gone, no Werewolves, no pests. Just the birds and the cat. Not the cat that eats birds. She is inside asleep. The cat who just watches.

The husband and son are off on their adventures. The girl child and a friend are sleeping like only Vampire teens can sleep.

It is one of those rare moments when my mind is a blank. So much to do like any busy mom, but just savoring the quiet time.

Earlier this week my daughter was looking through my closet, the one with the old stuff and came upon a black velvet dress, as old as old can be.

“What’s with the glam goth mom?”

“Be careful, that dress is really old.” Over 100 years.

“I can’t imagine you as one of those dark Gothic Vampires,” she said looking at the bead work on the fabric.

“You’d be surprised.”

We’re now in another world with the first light of day. Actually it was the world my parents, the New Vampires brought us up in. They came to the land of sun and sea and mountains and infinite possibilities. They bucked the system as did so many of their generation.

But let our kids still be surprised that we had lives before they were born. Let our spouses be surprised we had lives without them once. We all have our own life, our own dreams, and the joys of where we are now.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

The dress looked a bit like this one...always a favorite and always in style.

The dress looked a bit like this one…always a favorite and always in style.