What the F is wrong with some people (dealing with loud coworkers and others)

In most popular Vampire fiction a great deal is made of biting, specifically “the bite.”

When I write about warm blooded folks do I concentrate on their eating habits. I should. I’m surprised nobody has made a movie about someone attacking their coworkers who sit in the adjoining cubicle (or desk) all day gnashing, smacking, loudly crunching, and slurping food ALL DAY LONG. That does not include the unnecessary scraping of a food container with food long after there is nothing left. It does not include the rattling of wrappers. It does not include the overwhelming aromas of tuna or egg salad that make you want to vomit. The loud bite after bite into the apple a day leads to a headache for you that lasts all day long. THAT my friends is a true horror story. Day after day after day after day of noises that make you want to SCREAM before your head explodes.

But of course in popular culture a Vampire is considered far more glamorous than the average cubicle worker. Sure there are some of those Vampires who let blood drip down their chins and make horrible noises, but seriously, we teach our new Vampires, and our children NOT to behave like that – ever.

Anyway, I guess I should end now. The morning is too young, and my day too busy to go into the types of bites one may get from a Vampire – from quick, to lingering on the erotic.

I don’t know what to do about the coworker situation. It all depends on your company culture. You could go to HR (like they’re going to do anything.) You could go to your boss (who won’t do anything.) Or you could write that script to a horror movie and start a new career.

No matter who you are, always be considerate to others. Teach that to your children. Teach it to your employees. Teach it to your spouse. Teach it to yourself.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/bite/

Listen, and never discount a Vampire who wants to share art with you.

Some people do things oh so frustratingly slow, or weird, or just make me feel like nobody is listening (and I know they aren’t.)

On Thanksgiving I showed my great great great great Grandmama Lola a book to look at. It was an art book. I wanted her to see the artwork. So what does she do? She opens the cover and looks at the first page. Then she slowly turns the next three pages of publisher information. The she gets to the preface – you know those long introductions to art books that NOBODY reads, especially when someone wants you to look at some PICTURES. After she was into the first 15 pages, slowly turning them and not really reading them, wondering why I’d given her this book with so much text, I took the book. Then I opened it up to the start of the 175 pages that were in FULL COLOR of magnificent artwork.

She then slowly turned the pages, looking at all of the art, then proclaimed there were too many religious paintings. Did I mention this book was about Italian Renaissance art? It was.

I said nothing and put the book back on the shelf. My moment sharing Raphael and Michelangelo fell flat.

The whole week seemed to go like that. I was all but invisible wherever I went. Even among friends I was just there. My husband was there, but I was just a shadow most of the time. A few times I managed to make myself known before I was unseen again. Until a few nights ago when I finally found myself around kindred spirits.

When I was a child I was the quiet one. I would sit in corners, or curled in a large chair, and watch, and listen, and remember, and think about what the adults said. I always knew what everyone had done. I knew things children were not supposed to understand.  I also spent a lot of time with books, looking at pictures. I never get tired of art, be it a painting in a museum, or an illustration in a book. It could be an angel, or a landscape, or a diagram the ocean currents. Every image has a story, or a feeling, or something that came out of the head, the hands, the eyes, and the heart of someone else.

Lola is ancient, born in the Middle Ages, but she isn’t feeble minded, or out of touch. She just does things in a different way than I do. It is still damned annoying.

I was out with her recently and she insisted on lingering over her prey, excuse me, a donor. I clenched my fists, then quietly told her that we needed to get in and then get out fast. Unless you’re in a safe situation where you can linger comfortably for hours, you need to get what you need and get out. But noooooo, not Lola. She never listens to me, or any of my concerns. I swear I’m surprised she has lasted as long as she has. And yes, this is a Vampire blog. Why else would I be talking about what Lola does.

Anyway, don’t get between me and my art. Don’t make me feel unsafe or unwanted. And if you don’t listen to me, that is fine. I hear everything, and remember everything. And I still love you, for the most part.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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Finish it… odds and ends… That usually means more odds but, whatever.

Before I do anything I need to let EVERYONE know that my short story collection “Morning at the Vineyard” will be FREE on Amazon (download only) October 27 – 31, 2017. It is a fun collection of stories from this blog. Share with your friends. Read it on Halloween. Have fun. Happy Halloween.

Here is the link: https://www.amazon.com/Morning-Vineyard-Collection-Tangled-Tales-ebook/dp/B00M4V1DGI

I was looking at my blog stats and noticed that someone was looking at random pages of my “Girl in the Woods” online novel. That was supposed to be finished in 2016 but I came to a chapter that needed to be rewritten and I didn’t feel like it, so I ignored it. It didn’t go away. Now it sits there lonely and alone, waiting for that chance reader to come by and read chapter 9 and chapter 19.

Another example is my house. I love my home. It is my dream home. It is a mess. I could clean. I plan on cleaning. So instead I go to the store and buy Twinkies and frosting so I can make Ghosts for a Halloween party this weekend. Actually there are TWO Halloween parties.

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It is a fun and easy project. Get a box of ten Twinkies, a can of white frosting, a tube of black frosting. Spread the white frosting over the Twinkies. Draw faces with the black frosting. Presto – you have a delightful treat. You don’t have to be Martha Stewart. It doesn’t take any time at all. You don’t have to be perfect. Everybody loves these. It will make you laugh. Clara and I made these cuties a few years ago, and we’re doing it again. We don’t eat them (we’d become violently ill) but we have a lot of fun making them.

But back to my house. I wish I had a maid. I’m not a witch so I can’t just snap my finger and make everything clean up itself. To tell the truth most witches can’t do that. I’m not a Disney Princess so I don’t have animal friends who will come do it for me either. With my luck they’d be like my cat and pee all over everything just for spite. He has no reason to feel any spite, but he is a cat. Something was moved, or someone called him an asshole, or the dog looked at him wrong, or the other cat simply exists, so he pees to prove his point. He is a talker too. It isn’t like I’m not listening to him 24/7.

This is the glamorous life of a Vampire. No blood stains to wash out today. No turning into a bat. No cryptic messages from an ancient council of folks who wear robes and chant weird shit. Just a mom, who planted bulbs in the yard today, and who is going to go to the post office in a few minutes, then off to Dave’s Bottle Shop to pick up a few bottles of  Poet’s Blood and a case of Spiced A Positive.

Then we’ll decorate for Halloween.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Marla Todd _ Oscar Gray

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Feel Like a Ghost …

“I feel like a Ghost most of the time.”

I listened as my brother Val talked about our family. He is the forth of five children, less than two years my senior. Nobody does listen to him, or to me much. The elder children caught the attention of our parents and wore them out before we were born. They give us bad advice, stupid advice, ignore anything we say, and pretty much discount our opinions.

I always tell my children: Marry an only child who is an orphan. Of course if you’re a Vampire that is pretty easy to do. And you know I’m just joking.

I’ve heard my brother Aaron, the middle child express the same thing. Arron is at a disadvantage in that he is trapped between the elder two, and the younger two. I’d say more in the shadow of the elder two.

I tell Val not to stress, not to worry, and to go on with whatever it is that he is doing. I listen. He listens to me.

Val usually is the most confident of us all and never complains about anything. In his own way he quietly observes the world around him, then he stands back, then he takes action.

So to hear this man, the most loyal and chill, and in many ways strongest, of us all, say he feels unseen makes me wonder what I’ve missed. Actually I haven’t missed anything – I just haven’t said anything.

I spend a lot of time listening to my children. We interact. I listen. I make an effort to engage them. Maybe we need to do that to the adults in our lives more as well. We need to teach our kids to engage, interact, and listen.

A King might have loyal subjects but only if he listens and shows that he cares. Loyalty never comes from fear. It comes from understanding.

I’d like to say that of my loyal followers. I love you and I appreciate you in ways you’ll never know. And I will try to continue to be loyal to you with entertaining posts about parenting, relationships, Vampires, and love … and all that scary stuff too that we love this time of year.

Val and I sat on my back deck under the night sky talking about what we’re up to these days. He has reconnected with a woman he first met in the 80’s – the 1880’s when wewere in London. She wasn’t a Vampire back then, but she is now, and living in San Francisco. He hasn’t told our brothers. I tell him about the kids, and about the books I’m trying to write. He listens. He really listens. He never gives me plot ideas or tell me my stories suck.

So that is it for now for my morning musings. I’ll have more Halloween shenanigans and other silly stuff later this week, plus Vlad has will have a new “Vampire Diary” post.

Thanks for dropping by, xoxoxox.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Val – this song is for you.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/loyal/

What we talked about today

I used to write a regular post “What we talked about on the way to school today,” but now that my kids are in college we get in our talks whenever we can.

We are wondering why the public is obsessed with an obscenely rich twenty year old woman, with parents who have done nothing but exploit her for their TV shows. Now this young woman is pregnant and we’re expected to care? The child will grow up without anything normal about it’s life. It will be part of the freak show, that is no different than the exploitation of the Dionne Quintuplets. Have a kid and exploit it. When it turns thirteen start giving it lip injections, butt injections and a 25 year old lover. That is no way to raise a child. And she is no role model for any girl or young woman. And unfortunately she has no good role models.

Some rapper is trying to prove the Earth is flat. Again, why is this guy getting air time?

If NFL players or anyone else wants to kneel then let them. So let’s get pissed off because they are exercising their right to free expression. The first priority of our POTUS is to rant and rave about it like a rabid dog. Oh just fuck it all idiot man and go on to issues that matter. Or better yet, try educate yourself on WHY people are protesting by kneeling. You might not agree with them but you MUST agree with their right to protest.

Forget all of the bullshit above. Why isn’t our government doing anything about Texas, Alabama, Louisiana, Florida, Puerto Rico and other places hit so hard by recent storms. But that is easy. That is about normal, regular people. That isn’t any fun.

This morning I received phone calls from my daughter’s college. The sheriffs were on campus, there was a lock-down, then there was nothing. Then I received a second message. The sheriffs were on campus to apprehend someone. There was a lock down. I texted my child. No answer. I texted again. No answer. My head was spinning.

Then finally I heard from her. It was a different facility, in a different part of town from the main campus. It was in a place where she goes to class one morning a week.

A guy with two guns came on campus. He was going to shoot someone. When he saw the sheriff officers he dropped the guns and ran. He was caught. Nobody was hurt.

Why did this guy have guns? Why are there still shootings at colleges, schools, and workplaces? WTF?

I told my husband that I’m going to be a ghost for Halloween. We’re going to a big party. A ghost costume is easy and fun. He just looked at me with no response. A Vampire would be tacky. I’m not dressing up like a “Vampire.”

We are living in a time when everything we see or hear pisses us off.

I’m also having…I don’t even want to say this…I’m writing a book and my mind has gone blank. The current chapter sucks. I will continue on. I can rewrite it. I can get my mojo back. I can and will move forward.

So Clara and I decided to make a list of things that don’t piss us off.

  • Dogs (most dogs)
  • Cats (except my cat who peed on my dining room table.)
  • Trees
  • Fall bulbs
  • Coffee
  • Wine
  • Cool antique silver patterns
  • Comfortable shoes
  • Cute comfortable shoes
  • Cute dresses
  • Sweaters
  • Sweatshirt
  • Cool Fall Weather
  • Chickens
  • Wild Turkeys
  • Deer
  • Birds
  • Squirrels
  • Warm clean necks
  • Clean ears
  • Art pottery
  • Blue vases
  • Art
  • Music
  • Singing along to the radio in the car
  • Puns
  • Vampires
  • Werewolves with a sense of humor
  • Sunsets
  • Sunrise
  • Otters
  • Good friends
  • Books
  • My daughter’s friend decided to stay in the arts because that is where her passion is – rather than go into science (somebody else’s passion.)

That is a start. Deep breath. Relax before you’re head explodes. Or if you’re a Vampire just sit still and retract your fangs thinking of being on a quiet foggy beach with nothing but the sound of the waves, and nothing on the schedule.

I give up. Maybe. Not quite but my head is hurting. I’m done with the outside world (until I see a mushroom cloud, but then it won’t matter anymore.)

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Write ALL THINGS VAMPIRE

 

 

 

 

Religion and Ramblings

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Religion and Ramblings of a Vampire Maman

Oh ye of little faith… or a lot. I don’t care either way.

In my daughter’s high school about a quarter of the kids are Mormon. Another quarter are Catholic. The next quarter go to the big Presbyterian Church. A handful go to the Jewish synagogue, a few go to the other big box holy roller church, and the rest are just kind of on their own, or nothing. There are a lot more nothings than atheists. Then there are the tiny groups who are Muslim and Buddhists and other faiths.

According to my child the Mormon kids don’t try to convert the 3/4 who are Catholic or Presbyterian. They go for the others.

I bring this up because last night we saw The Book of Mormon. It was great. If you have a chance go see it.

I need to write a disclaimer that we love our Mormon friends and respect their choices. We are not haters. We don’t care about your faith of choice as long as it works for you and you aren’t hurting anyone (including yourself). Nuff said.

OK there are a few exceptions of weird ass groups that have no more business calling themselves a religion. As we passed one of their buildings downtown last night one of my companions said, “the are so evil.”

Your religion is your own, just keep it out of the schools and out of politics. That is why we’re in America. Don’t forget it.

And then there are the Vampires. At the high school there are exactly a dozen right now. For kicks and grins thrown in the four Werewolf kids at the school. This school has a huge population of paranormal types. We tend to try to stick together. It just makes things easier for the kids to have someone like themselves in their classes. Hey, it isn’t like they’re going to talk to the other kids about their unique biology and spiritual issues.

I was talking to my friend Marla who occasionally helps me with this blog. She explained some of the inspiration for her latest book Exceptional Liars.

I had a conversation with a friend about some of the families at the church we went to when we were growing up. It was one of the big churches everyone belonged to. It was one, and still is, one of the hubs of the community. My parents weren’t all that involved, which was fine with me.

But there were families where church and religion was the center of the universe. Their priorities were: 1. church/god, 2. Marriage, 3. Dad’s job, 4. Church society, 5. Children. Unfortunately five seemed to be a distant number. These parents bragged about how God and marriage came before everything else. Even as a teenager I knew that was wrong.

Their children were usually popular, good in school, involved with church activities, and they were the first to sneak off to smoke pot or make out in the back of a car. They knew more about sex, drugs and not getting caught at anything than other teenagers. When the kids were caught misbehaving punishment was swift, often including banishment. Obedience to God, church and parents was paramount. Fortunately for most of these kid they never did get caught. 

My book started out with a weak main character. She was sensitive and naive, but that wasn’t any fun. Why not make her the kind of nasty, clannish, resentful, sneaky kid that came out of these families in real life.

I added narcissistic parents, incestuous and violent siblings, an abusive Christian marriage counselor husband, a serial killer, a couple of slick and twisted layers, a crazy former DEA agent, the abused roller skating ex-husband of a pop-star, a hit man turned divorce lawyer, a guitar maker, and the bisexual wife of a senator who just wanted to be left alone.

Religion is scattered throughout the book, but it isn’t a religious book. But the characters, at least two of them, do what works for them.”

 

I like books with religious references. I think it adds mystery and interest to books if it isn’t preachy or “Sunday schoolish,” or overly sentimental with a forced unrealistic message. Religion and faith also adds conflict and interest for the characters. Two of my favorites are The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco and The Di Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Both stories wound religion into mystery and intrigue. It was fun to figure out the clues and see the conflicting views of the characters.

Movies have comedic, romantic, and chilling takes on the subject. My favorites (and most highly recommended are Elmer Gantry, The Devil’s Disciple (the play or the movie), Night of the Hunter, and Heaven Knows Mr. Allison.

In my line of work, I know those who have come face-to-face with Lucky (the Devil) and had run ins with both angels and demons.

I know Vampires who fight with their own inner demons about the state of their souls and their own jacked up immortality. They sit quietly, in the backs of churches, or quietly walk in cemeteries looking for comfort, or answers to questions that have gone unanswered for centuries. Sometimes they’re just looking for a bit of redemption. Or sometimes they just go for the music.

Vampires rarely pray, not knowing who might be on the other end waiting, or listening in. We’re always on the outside when it comes to religion. But most of us are content in knowing our own hearts, even if those hearts don’t beat as often or as loud as those of the rest of the population.

We are spiritual because we live among the spirits, good or bad.

And as you already know, Vampires are big on holidays. We do love our holidays.

As a parent I teach my children to be good and good to others. There is no use in judging those who are not like us, if they’re good people. We all must find our own peace. Some will never find peace even though they spend half of their life inside of a cathedral surrounded by icons and commandments.

I find my peace in the woods. When I’m in an art museum I see the power of what it means to be alive, even in a Vampire sort of way.

As Matthew (6.6) said, “When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray.”

I’m not religious but I now my verses. I take what I need and leave the rest, like most Vampires, at least those who think about these things.

Anyway, I’m starting to ramble.

Peace be with you. Wishing you beauty and joy, and the cool quiet of the shadows.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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Exceptional Liars will be free on Amazon through March 20. CLICK here for the link. If you like it leave a nice review.

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