Blood Oranges #2. Go with the flow chart

Welcome to Saturday Blood Oranges, where I doodle on Friday night (after several glasses of wine) and post it on Saturday. This one is almost like a BURNING QUESTION, but not quite. The photo here is my dog Alice aka the sweetest  Hell Hound around. Yes, I’m going to be really random here.

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And now…drum roll please…the official flow chart…made in pale pencil.

ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?

vampire chart

Feel free to leave questions, comments, your drawings, suggestions for future Blood Oranges, locations of safety deposit boxes (and keys), recipes, inspirational quotes (just kidding), or whatever you want in the comments section. Just make it nice or funny or something a Vampire would appreciate.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

yelling vampire

Yes, I dated that guy… and other random thoughts

I’m going off to the woods to howl at the moon (just kidding I’m a Vampire not a Werewolf), hike, take in waterfalls and the wonders of nature and WRITE. Sooooo there will be no Short Story Sunday for a few days or other posts because Internet service will be spotty at best and more than likely nonexistent (like in the old days.)

So in the meantime: LISTEN to THIS (click here)

Look at the pictures below.

Available on Amazon and other fine online booksellers. Just remember to leave the light on. Creepies.

Available on Amazon and other fine online booksellers. Just remember to leave the light on. Creepies.

 

Morning at the Vineyard now available on amazon.com (and tell the folks at NPR and the LA Times that this is the best book you've ever read and that they should interview Juliette Kings NOW. Any other media outlet would work as well. Yes, this is shameless but what do you expect? I'm a Vampire. We have no shame.

Morning at the Vineyard now available on amazon.com (and tell the folks at NPR and the LA Times that this is the best book you’ve ever read and that they should interview Juliette Kings NOW. Any other media outlet would work as well. Yes, this is shameless but what do you expect? I’m a Vampire. We have no shame.

Kissed by a Vampire

Support your local Artistic Roller Skating Club.

Support your local Artistic Roller Skating Club.

this guy

 

Yes, I did date THAT GUY but that is another post on another day. Have a good weekend everyone.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Tiny chairs

Ever feel like you’re up against two big guys with little chairs and just want to say “Screw it all. You can’t make me feel bad for not having any big creative ideas today.”

 

The fact that he always brought his brothers and their tiny chairs along on dates should have clued me in on just how weird he was.

The fact that he always brought his brothers and their tiny chairs along on dates should have clued me in on just how weird he was.

 

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

When they know you’re a Vampire…

Vlad to see you.

That joke stopped being funny a long time ago.

v_swirl

Last summer I have every intention of having the most awesome year about blogging about high school. It would be year of tales of the first year of high school and the final year of high school.

First of all it flew by so fast that I hardly saw it.

Second… I have never heard so much complaining and bitching and moaning about school in all my life, and that was just me. You should have heard the kids.

What happened to my happy go luck hopeful kids? I know the answers. Luckily I know all of this because they talk nonstop about it. Every night it is like a stand-up comedy contest to see who can tell the most amusing tale of school complete with spot on imitations of teachers and fellow students.

Aside from ants in the bathroom and the new episodes of Catfish and Ink Master the talk today is about the opposite sex.

The Senior class has a fairly large number of Vampires. There are eight of them. Let’s step back a bit. The school my kids go to has about 2,500 students. Divide that by four classes and subtract eight seniors who are Vampires and you’ll see that is not a lot of kids… unless you’re a Vampire kid.

So far this year the tally comes to five Freshmen, seven Sophomores, four Juniors and eight Seniors.

Of the Seniors there are four girls and my son Garrett has kind-of-sort-of dated all of them. He grew up with three of them. And I have to admit that Vampire girls are a little different from other girls, especially as they mature. They get what I can only describe as “an edge” to them. They’re still fun teens but they start to get distant and well, a little predatory. Happy go lucky Vampire boys tend to get left behind.

Then again that could describe most teenage girls, Vampires or not.

 

My daughter Clara is also dealing with the opposite sex but in a different way.

Overheard at school in a Freshman classroom (names changed to protect the stupid):

Kyle: I would totally do Ms James.

Brenden: Oh man, that’s disgusting.

Kyle: I was kidding. But she is hot for an older woman.

Brenden: She could be Gandalf’s sister.

I understand these boys have been frequently smacked by girls at the school. Go figure.

The father of my children just smiles and says “Three little words.”

Fourteen year old Clara smiles back and says “Boys are stupid.”

Honest to God I’m not making this up.

v_swirl

Oh yes, the title… When they know you’re a Vampire. 

Garrett is taking a girl to Senior Prom who is not a Vampire. She is a regular normal girl. Or so we thought until her brother Austin told Clara that their Great Great Grandfather is visiting this weekend and he can do that because he is a Vampire. In fact I met the guy a long long time ago when we were both quite young, before the 20th Century started. Yes, it is a small world.

The nice thing about kids and most people for that matter who know you’re a Vampire is that they don’t tell anyone. Why? Think about it. If you, a non-vampire told someone you were dating or going to school with a Vampire, well, they’d think you were nuts. And of course we’d all deny the fact that we’re Vampires.

I have a lot more on the subject but it has been a long and stressful week. I’ll have more on the subject later including a story from my brother Val and well, a lot more. We all have friends who KNOW and people who aren’t friends who KNOW. I’m so tired right now and all those dusty file cabinet drawers in my brain are sticking shut or off their rollers today.

 

If you really need a Vampire fix CLICK HERE for the story about when my friend Jack found out that I’m a Vampire.  Better yet, I’ll post it again here later tonight because it is a really fun story with Werewolves, Vampires and all sorts of fun people.

And what happened later with Jack and me.

 

vswirl2

Today is Friday. This afternoon I met with a friend for lunch. Yes, that kind of lunch. He was lovely. I’m in the rink right now while the kids practice skating. Tonight my children, husband and me will all hang out together, maybe on the couch for a movie or something. My brother Val might drop by. The cats and dogs will curl up with us. One big happy family. And maybe tomorrow I’ll write (I have another post almost finished but it can wait. It involves cocktails)

Have a good weekend everyone,

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vegan Vampires

thrivestickstwigs

 

 

OK my brother Val finally figured it out how to be a Vegan Vampire.

Don’t eat animals.

Only take blood from humans who don’t eat animals.

So that will make you a Vegan Vampire.

Thank you Valentine.

My son Garrett asked if you have to be an atheist too because we’re Vampires, not atheists or Vegans. Val said NO, you just have to get blood from the necks of Vegans. No particular political or religious beliefs are required (but we’re Vampires so we KNOW what is right and what is wrong and real and really really weird. Plus we’re rather spiritual in our own special ways.)

Are wrists or other body parts acceptable, that is, when we encounter a Vegan?

Yes. Bite their ankle for all I care. Do whatever works for you.

What if a Vegan wants to become a Vampire?

That would not be advisable. We’re Vampires. Capisce?

Alright. Any more questions?

No? OK. Then we’re good.

 

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

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