Yes, I dated that guy… and other random thoughts

I’m going off to the woods to howl at the moon (just kidding I’m a Vampire not a Werewolf), hike, take in waterfalls and the wonders of nature and WRITE. Sooooo there will be no Short Story Sunday for a few days or other posts because Internet service will be spotty at best and more than likely nonexistent (like in the old days.)

So in the meantime: LISTEN to THIS (click here)

Look at the pictures below.

Available on Amazon and other fine online booksellers. Just remember to leave the light on. Creepies.

Available on Amazon and other fine online booksellers. Just remember to leave the light on. Creepies.

 

Morning at the Vineyard now available on amazon.com (and tell the folks at NPR and the LA Times that this is the best book you've ever read and that they should interview Juliette Kings NOW. Any other media outlet would work as well. Yes, this is shameless but what do you expect? I'm a Vampire. We have no shame.

Morning at the Vineyard now available on amazon.com (and tell the folks at NPR and the LA Times that this is the best book you’ve ever read and that they should interview Juliette Kings NOW. Any other media outlet would work as well. Yes, this is shameless but what do you expect? I’m a Vampire. We have no shame.

Kissed by a Vampire

Support your local Artistic Roller Skating Club.

Support your local Artistic Roller Skating Club.

this guy

 

Yes, I did date THAT GUY but that is another post on another day. Have a good weekend everyone.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Make me over (she told the Vampire) – past lives, secrets and learning from it all

v_blonde

 

Kat was lovely in that fresh healthy sort of way that can be obtained with a personal trainer, good hair stylist and tanning booth. Her pale highlighted hair was just right. The perfectly applied minimal makeup was perfect even in the heat. She had that friendly gentle demeanor that made you just want to hug her. The glowing wife and mom and successful businesswoman with a tad too much skin showing for her age.

 

She’d also made 34 Vampire Slasher movies in the 1980’s. Not much of a story line in any of them but a lot of gore and T&A. And oh yes, she wasn’t the swooning silly girl. She was the Vampire Sex Princess.

Sure it bordered on soft-core porn (actually there were 5 hard core porn films too) but the pay was great and she was smart with her money.

By the way, like 99% of my regular human clients she had no idea I’m a Vampire. So this was a little weird taking on the Vampire Sex Princess as a client.

And why am I telling you about this? It was business. From time to time (not as much as I used to) I’m asked to makeover the image of someone (usually semi famous). It has been anyone from politicians to people in the film industry to CEO’s of high tech companies and so on. It is all discreet and seamless. I’m a pro and of course they don’t know they’re dealing with a Vampire.

We met for lunch at a trendy but private place with a view of a lovely garden and good service. I ate little (as usual) and we shared a bottle of red wine.

So now my client was a wife and mom (oh right, which makes her now a saint) and wanting a new image.

Kat (short for Kathleen) looked at me with one of those you’re-not-going-to-believe-this-looks and said, “I was called Vampire Mom. Ouch. Someone suggested I do a Vampire Mom blog but that would be so tacky and my kids would lose all respect for me.”

“Someone else is already doing the Vampire Mom blog thing.” I smiled, not showing my fangs.  Of course someone else is doing the Vampire Mom blog thing and if she tried to replicate it her blog would only be a weak lifeless shadow. It would fail. It would die within a month.  “I agree, you need to see the Vampire roles as that, fictional roles. You’ve moved on.”

She gave me a blinding white smile. “Exactly. I had so much fun and made some of the best friends I’ve ever had. It was a blast. But I don’t identify with being a Vampire.”

“The key is to make it clear that playing a Vampire was a role you played, not who you really were or who you are now.”

“If Weiner can try to make a come back I don’t know why I shouldn’t be able to.”

OK I thought, that was an interesting and not so flattering comparison. All those guys. What was it with them cheating and telling lies than expecting us to forgive them? And their wives. I’d have such a bonfire in my driveway if Teddy pulled anything like that. On the other hand I’m a Vampire so I shouldn’t really care – but I do. Just like I care if my dog and children behave (and they DO always behave – all three of them.)

Kat continued to talk. “I took my clothes off on camera. But I was being paid as a professional. That is why it is called acting.”

“I agree.” I smiled again.

“If I took my clothes off today I’d still look that good.”

I said nothing.

“So you don’t judge me?” She asked me this as if she was surprised I had not reacted to her comment about taking off her clothes.

“Of course not.” I smiled. I positively glowed with reassurance as only a seasoned Vampire can do.  

It would be other thing that I could judge her on, but that wasn’t my place and she was giving off a lot of good vibes and sort of a nervous anxious energy. I was getting bored by it all, but in my head thinking up a plan and a strategy so she could get her new life and career going. She’d be a success. She just needed a little common sense and someone to help her with that jump-start.

True confession time. Like all Vampires (and writers) I’m a natural born liar. Sure I judged her. Not for making tacky movies. That was an honest living. I judged her for making excuses for what she had done and NOW wanting to be held up as the moral and perfect female role model. I judged her like I judge the child molester who says “I’m a good person now because I found God.”

I don’t know what it was about her that bugged me so much. I’m pretty open minded, impartial and fair. Maybe it was the fact that she was so freaking shallow.

Note to self: Have THE TALK to the kids on being SHALLOW.

She talked for another hour while I took notes. Kat wanted a new image and I can understand that completely. We all go through changes – that is part of life. The average person changes several many times before they retire. The average person changes lifestyles many times.

We discussed the options. She had a list:

  • Parenting expert (questionable)
  • Fashion for moms of a certain age (good choice)
  • Fitness (good choice)
  • Cooking with a fresh attitude (good choice)
  • Vampires (bad choice)

She was naturally fun, likeable (despite being so shallow) and good in front of a camera. I’d do wonders for her. Under my expert hands she’d be a bright warm shining star!

After I was done with Kat (the interview, just an interview and notes), I walked down the street and for a fleeting moment thought about how my kids have told me that they think I’m funny and they’re proud of me. I’ve done a lot of weird things too but that is my story and secrets and not a public dialogue.

Then I pondered a bit, but not too much about how Vampires have learned to keep the secrets of who they are.

We all have secrets. But secrets aren’t that bad of a thing.

  • A secret crush
  • A secret joke
  • A secret song
  • A secret thought
  • A secret kiss
  • A secret that could hurt someone if told
  • A secret judgment
  • A secret that is just what it is – a secret.

 

Most of us live in several different worlds – work, school, parent, employee, friend, daughter, sister, lover, wife, artist, writer…

We had different past lives as well.

And then there is that world, that secret place where you are truly who you are, alone, with nobody else but you.

In the world of the typical busy mom that place, alone and secret, is a sanctuary at times. It is that lovely alone time in the car, but then it is such an easy transition to that wonderful time when you pick your kids up from school and they talk to you about what they learned, what their friends are up to, what they discussed with their teachers, what silly thing happened in the lunchroom.  The list goes on and then you realize that this is where you should be – a perfect world that is with a definition of perfection being love without having to think.

Last time I took one of the cats into the Vet she told me “Cats have rich and wonderful lives outside our ours.” Knowing my cats I can only imagine.  I don’t trust my dog either. But they’re keeping those lives secret from me. One day my cat came strolling down the street singing along without a care in the world. My neighbor (3 houses down) said, “Is that your cat? He comes over and has conversations with me almost every day.”  The other cat has a different circle of friends who populate her secret life.

You have a past that belongs to you alone. And even though it is in the past you are still accountable. You might not be proud of it. You might have made mistakes. Nonetheless it is yours and your responsibility. The best you can do is own up to it. The worst you can do is not to learn by your past or your past mistakes.

And the only way we can grow and be the Vampires (and people) we want to be is to LEARN from our mistakes and always go forward. We can only get better. I mean, sure we can get worse, but the goal is to always move forward.

In the meantime, I just got a message from Kat. She has more ideas. Oh joy.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman (who is feeling rather random and disjointed of late…)

Moth

The Vampire is out. I have the laptop!

I am a bit pissed off because they didn't need to bring that other cat into my life.

I am a bit pissed off because they didn’t need to bring that other cat into my life.

He does stupid things like sit in the bottom of bags.

He does stupid things like sit in the bottom of bags.

I put him in his place.

I put him in his place.

Or so I thought due to his relaxed attitude. Damn him.

But I was wrong. He sleeps like a kitten. Damn him.

I told that dog that if she even things twice about bringing home a puppy or another cat I will kill her. I think she believes me.

I told that dog that if she even thinks twice about bringing home a puppy or another cat I will kill her. I think she believes me.

Vampire Maman's Cat - this makes me want to cough up a hairball - Gloria the Calico Cat

Vampire Maman’s Cat – this makes me want to cough up a hairball – Gloria the Calico Cat

This guy…

I have to deal with another project for a day or two…so in the meantime I’ll leave you with “this guy.”

 

this guy

Charity Auctions, Murder Mystery Parties, Vampires and BB Guns

Charity Events

My husband and I go to a lot of charity event. You know those events where somebody talks, tables are spread with silent auction items, raffle tickets are sold, people mingle, drink alcoholic beverages and sometimes even dance to bad DJ music. If you’re lucky there is live music. And it is usually a lot of fun. And of course great for Vampires looking for a quick bite.

So we’re at an event last night, that I won’t name due to privacy issues and there are a lot of Vampires. By a lot I mean more than 4 but less than a dozen out of a room of 250 people. There were 10 Vampires, most of them friends of ours.

Vampires who pretend to be Vampires and people who don’t shut up

I’m making my way across the room when I hear someone call my name then find myself cornered by none other than Octavia (another Vampire). Here real name is Maxine but she doesn’t feel that is a fitting Vampire name. She even used the names Mina and Lucy for a while until someone told her to cut it out. Octavia wore a black dress with one of those uneven handkerchief hems and a neckline that was just a tad too low. I was tempted to dump my drink down her top to try to wash away all of the glitter lotion she’d spread over her chest. Yes, she was wearing glitter. The woman is freakin nuts.

She corners me with her usual mix of excited energy. I try to get away but find I’m cornered so I decide to be polite. She starts to talk. And talk and talk and talk.

Octavia of the glittery boobs says “Wouldn’t it be exciting if we had our own world kind of like in the Harry Potter Movies or Underworld. We could even have our own Vampire High School like Hogwarts.”

I gave her the look and said “There is already a place like that. It’s called Transylvania.” And no real Vampire in his or her right mind would live there.

“I’m serious Juliette. We could have our own holidays and culture. We wouldn’t have to hide.”

“What would we eat” I had to ask. I mean, if there were only Vampires we couldn’t just survive on our organic night gardens.

“We’d bring in willing donors. I can’t tell you how many people would be on the waiting list.  For example, take tonight. Nobody here knows we’re Vampires. We take from people who are unaware a Vampire has even bitten them.” She looked across the room and gasped and put her hand on her glittery chest. “Now just imagine HIM spread out willing and ready on your Thanksgiving table? Oh my God he is beautiful.” She pointed to an exceptionally handsome man who glanced our way and smiled at me.

“That man,” I said, trying not to slap her, “is a Vampire and he is my husband.”

She didn’t miss a beat. “Really? He is absolutely yummy movie star handsome. How did you manage to pull that one off?”

I excused myself and headed towards Mr. Thanksgiving Dinner. Octavia aka Maxine became a Vampire in the 1920’s. It was unfortunate because she is totally unsuited for it. She lives in a fantasy world of B-Movie nonsense.

Don’t get me wrong. I was wearing a black and purple dress with smoky eyes and dark nails with shoes that had impossibly high heels, BUT I wasn’t in a costume. And I have a lot of friends who live the more nocturnal Vampire lifestyle, but they aren’t play acting out a popular novel.

The kids are alright

I was texting my daughter to say we’d be home later than planned.

The kids were home with friends watching Paranormal 36 and another movie that was like Glee but with college girls.

I tried to do a screen shot of our texts but I ended us shutting my phone off so I’ll just key it in.

Me: Someone just paid $100 for a BB gun in the auction. We should go back to Walmart and get one and let that nice little man help us again.

My daughter Clara: HA HA HA we should do that.

Adventures Walmart and BB Guns

About two years ago my husband Teddy and I were invited to one of those role playing murder mystery parties. We all got assigned characters and a sheet of paper describing our characters and all of our character’s relationships.

My husband was assigned the role the Vampire King. I laughed so hard.

He said “I hate these things. Do I have to go?”

You see, our friends, who hosted the party don’t know we are Vampires, but that’s ok. They’re friends we have dinner with. Not friends we have for dinner. There is a difference.

Anyway I was a princess of the sea so I decided to go in more of a New England fisherman princess sort of costume. I had a yellow slicker and knew that I’d find big black rubber fishing boots at Walmart.

It was after midnight when Clara and I arrived at the local 24 hour Walmart. We took a basket and went for a joy ride around the store. We found the boots then headed for the sporting goods section for more fishing stuff.

And there, like the holy grail was the shelf with Red Ryder BB Guns. They were cheap too. We lit up like Christmas trees we were so excited. We laughed and laughed as we put a BB gun, ammo, safety eqipment and all the trimmings into our basket. We walked around the store for about an hour giggling about the gun and wondering what DAD would say. We also giggled because we were being followed by a store employee who tried to look important. He never said a word but just watched this mother/daughter team with a gun in their cart laughing their silly heads off. Finally he stood in front of us in the cat food isle and said “Can I help you ladies?” We said NO and started laughing again. We left with two pairs of boots, one black and one plaid. We put back the BB gun but we still laugh about it and say to each other “Can I help you ladies?”

The Vampire King

So my husband complains for weeks about being assigned the role of Vampire King. He says he HATES role-playing. He won’t shut up about it. So finally the night of the party I dress up in my Slicker and boots and nets and fake fish on strings. He is in a black Hugo Boss suit with a black shirt and black tie. He is so sexy and pissed off and I’m loving it.

So to make a short story even longer, he steals the show, he is the star, he is amazing as the Vampire King. He is also one of the three characters who gets murdered which is a surprise to me. He had a great time. He even admitted it.

All said everyone had a good time.

So Back to Annoying Vampires

So Octavia keeps spouting off about how she would love to feast on a child just once. I am appalled and go talk to her handlers. Yes, nobody lets her go anywhere alone. Thank goodness she lives in Boston with a group who keeps track of her. I swear she should be locked up. She is harmless and would never take a child but she says such stupid things and maybe one day she’ll learn.

But all in all…

We had a good time. We usually do. In fact, we almost always do.

Have fun and don’t forget your rain boots.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

our bootsv