Make me over (she told the Vampire) – past lives, secrets and learning from it all



Kat was lovely in that fresh healthy sort of way that can be obtained with a personal trainer, good hair stylist and tanning booth. Her pale highlighted hair was just right. The perfectly applied minimal makeup was perfect even in the heat. She had that friendly gentle demeanor that made you just want to hug her. The glowing wife and mom and successful businesswoman with a tad too much skin showing for her age.


She’d also made 34 Vampire Slasher movies in the 1980’s. Not much of a story line in any of them but a lot of gore and T&A. And oh yes, she wasn’t the swooning silly girl. She was the Vampire Sex Princess.

Sure it bordered on soft-core porn (actually there were 5 hard core porn films too) but the pay was great and she was smart with her money.

By the way, like 99% of my regular human clients she had no idea I’m a Vampire. So this was a little weird taking on the Vampire Sex Princess as a client.

And why am I telling you about this? It was business. From time to time (not as much as I used to) I’m asked to makeover the image of someone (usually semi famous). It has been anyone from politicians to people in the film industry to CEO’s of high tech companies and so on. It is all discreet and seamless. I’m a pro and of course they don’t know they’re dealing with a Vampire.

We met for lunch at a trendy but private place with a view of a lovely garden and good service. I ate little (as usual) and we shared a bottle of red wine.

So now my client was a wife and mom (oh right, which makes her now a saint) and wanting a new image.

Kat (short for Kathleen) looked at me with one of those you’re-not-going-to-believe-this-looks and said, “I was called Vampire Mom. Ouch. Someone suggested I do a Vampire Mom blog but that would be so tacky and my kids would lose all respect for me.”

“Someone else is already doing the Vampire Mom blog thing.” I smiled, not showing my fangs.  Of course someone else is doing the Vampire Mom blog thing and if she tried to replicate it her blog would only be a weak lifeless shadow. It would fail. It would die within a month.  “I agree, you need to see the Vampire roles as that, fictional roles. You’ve moved on.”

She gave me a blinding white smile. “Exactly. I had so much fun and made some of the best friends I’ve ever had. It was a blast. But I don’t identify with being a Vampire.”

“The key is to make it clear that playing a Vampire was a role you played, not who you really were or who you are now.”

“If Weiner can try to make a come back I don’t know why I shouldn’t be able to.”

OK I thought, that was an interesting and not so flattering comparison. All those guys. What was it with them cheating and telling lies than expecting us to forgive them? And their wives. I’d have such a bonfire in my driveway if Teddy pulled anything like that. On the other hand I’m a Vampire so I shouldn’t really care – but I do. Just like I care if my dog and children behave (and they DO always behave – all three of them.)

Kat continued to talk. “I took my clothes off on camera. But I was being paid as a professional. That is why it is called acting.”

“I agree.” I smiled again.

“If I took my clothes off today I’d still look that good.”

I said nothing.

“So you don’t judge me?” She asked me this as if she was surprised I had not reacted to her comment about taking off her clothes.

“Of course not.” I smiled. I positively glowed with reassurance as only a seasoned Vampire can do.  

It would be other thing that I could judge her on, but that wasn’t my place and she was giving off a lot of good vibes and sort of a nervous anxious energy. I was getting bored by it all, but in my head thinking up a plan and a strategy so she could get her new life and career going. She’d be a success. She just needed a little common sense and someone to help her with that jump-start.

True confession time. Like all Vampires (and writers) I’m a natural born liar. Sure I judged her. Not for making tacky movies. That was an honest living. I judged her for making excuses for what she had done and NOW wanting to be held up as the moral and perfect female role model. I judged her like I judge the child molester who says “I’m a good person now because I found God.”

I don’t know what it was about her that bugged me so much. I’m pretty open minded, impartial and fair. Maybe it was the fact that she was so freaking shallow.

Note to self: Have THE TALK to the kids on being SHALLOW.

She talked for another hour while I took notes. Kat wanted a new image and I can understand that completely. We all go through changes – that is part of life. The average person changes several many times before they retire. The average person changes lifestyles many times.

We discussed the options. She had a list:

  • Parenting expert (questionable)
  • Fashion for moms of a certain age (good choice)
  • Fitness (good choice)
  • Cooking with a fresh attitude (good choice)
  • Vampires (bad choice)

She was naturally fun, likeable (despite being so shallow) and good in front of a camera. I’d do wonders for her. Under my expert hands she’d be a bright warm shining star!

After I was done with Kat (the interview, just an interview and notes), I walked down the street and for a fleeting moment thought about how my kids have told me that they think I’m funny and they’re proud of me. I’ve done a lot of weird things too but that is my story and secrets and not a public dialogue.

Then I pondered a bit, but not too much about how Vampires have learned to keep the secrets of who they are.

We all have secrets. But secrets aren’t that bad of a thing.

  • A secret crush
  • A secret joke
  • A secret song
  • A secret thought
  • A secret kiss
  • A secret that could hurt someone if told
  • A secret judgment
  • A secret that is just what it is – a secret.


Most of us live in several different worlds – work, school, parent, employee, friend, daughter, sister, lover, wife, artist, writer…

We had different past lives as well.

And then there is that world, that secret place where you are truly who you are, alone, with nobody else but you.

In the world of the typical busy mom that place, alone and secret, is a sanctuary at times. It is that lovely alone time in the car, but then it is such an easy transition to that wonderful time when you pick your kids up from school and they talk to you about what they learned, what their friends are up to, what they discussed with their teachers, what silly thing happened in the lunchroom.  The list goes on and then you realize that this is where you should be – a perfect world that is with a definition of perfection being love without having to think.

Last time I took one of the cats into the Vet she told me “Cats have rich and wonderful lives outside our ours.” Knowing my cats I can only imagine.  I don’t trust my dog either. But they’re keeping those lives secret from me. One day my cat came strolling down the street singing along without a care in the world. My neighbor (3 houses down) said, “Is that your cat? He comes over and has conversations with me almost every day.”  The other cat has a different circle of friends who populate her secret life.

You have a past that belongs to you alone. And even though it is in the past you are still accountable. You might not be proud of it. You might have made mistakes. Nonetheless it is yours and your responsibility. The best you can do is own up to it. The worst you can do is not to learn by your past or your past mistakes.

And the only way we can grow and be the Vampires (and people) we want to be is to LEARN from our mistakes and always go forward. We can only get better. I mean, sure we can get worse, but the goal is to always move forward.

In the meantime, I just got a message from Kat. She has more ideas. Oh joy.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman (who is feeling rather random and disjointed of late…)


With all the debate on having kids and working my answer is…

With all the debate on having kids and working my  answer is:


And the other answer is:

Yes it is a good thing.

And then:

Don’t worry about laundry. We all know how to get blood stains out – and if you can’t get it out just throw it out.


Yes there is too much to do. On the other hand I’m NEVER bored.


Sure you can have it all. Why not!


Yes I would do it the same way if I had to do it over. Maybe different car seats.

And finally:

Yes, I’m proud of my kids and they’re proud of me.

And one more thing:

There is no one way to do anything so get off my back.

So for all you working moms wondering if you are doing a good job. Look at your kids. Are they doing great? Are they smart and funny? If you’re reading THIS BLOG I know they are, just like you. Good job mom.

Listen to the Vampire. You’re doing a good job. Yes!


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Vampire mom

What kind of Vampire are YOU?

What kind of Vampire are YOU?

I sleep _____________________

  1. On a futon made of organic cotton and soy fibers.
  2. After my kids go to bed – so not enough.
  3. In a four posted bed with beautiful curtains and silk sheets.
  4. In my coffin in a crypt

I drive_________________________

  1. A hybrid
  2. My husband and kids crazy
  3. A 1966 Mustang Fast Back that I purchased new
  4. A hearse

I’m hungry. I see a cute guy _____________________

  1. I ask if he is a vegan. If he answers yes, I take about a pint of blood off of him.
  2. I ask him if he is feeling ok. If he answers yes, I take about a pint of blood off of him.
  3. I seduce him and take about a pint of blood off of him.
  4. I drain his body of blood then dump his cold drained body in a ditch.

What really makes me sad.

  1. People thinking Vampires are politically incorrect
  2. Kids dealing with bullies.
  3. The continuing stupidity of mankind
  4. I don’t care.

My favorite animal is a

  1. Hedgehog
  2. Cat
  3. Wolf
  4. I have no use for animals

My home is ____________________________

  1. All solar
  2. Sort of like Grand Central Station
  3. Which one? The beach house or the Victorian in town?
  4. A dark castle without heat or air.

If someone asks you if you’re a Vampire you say:

  1. That is so politically incorrect. I have my rights.
  2. Excuse me? Didn’t your mama teach you any manners?
  3. How could you say such a thing?
  4. Answer in a thick accent that is not your own “I vant to drink your blood.”

My biggest fear is _____________________________

  1. Not being true to who and what I am.
  2. Someone will try to harm my family.
  3. Vampire Hunters
  4. Garlic and Crosses

If you were on a desert island with a zombie would you___________________

  1. Ask it how it feels about being a zombie and if that has made it’s self –esteem suffer
  2. Figure out how to keep it comfortable.
  3. Make it go sit on the other side of the island until it stops grunting.
  4. Bite it.

The way to kill a vampire is__________________________

  1. That is just so wrong. Your karma is going to spiral down to nothing.
  2. Excuse me?
  3. Don’t talk like that?
  4. Burn it or cut out it’s heart or cut off it’s head.

My favorite kind of blood is ___________________________

  1. From people who live clean.
  2. From people I like but I’m not too close to, especially if they have a good sense of humor.
  3. From lovers.
  4. The blood of the damned.

My favorite other than blood is:

  1. Carrot and kale juice that I make myself
  2. Gin and tonic
  3. A nice full bodied Zinfandel
  4. I only drink blood.

The quote that describes me the best:

1. Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

2. Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven, Blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels.~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Evangeline

3. How like a queen comes forth the lonely Moon From the slow opening curtains of the clouds Walking in beauty to her midnight throne! ~George Croly, Diana

4. I speak the words of no man. I live alone in the dark.


If you answered mostly 1 you’re a new age Vampire. Peace, love and organic kale! Just be careful you get enough iron with all those vegans.

If you answered mostly 2 you’re a Vampire Maman. Yep, you have kids. Don’t forget you need your own hunting time! All bottled blood is ok some of the time but not all of the time.

If you answered mostly 3 you’re an old fashioned romantic Vampire. Just don’t let a pretty face catch you off guard. Watch for Vampire hunters!

If you answered mostly 4 you’re really sick and need professional help.