Dear Vampire Troll, Get the Hell Outta Here

If you have a blog you’ll get weird messages from weird people. If you blog about Vampires you’ll get exceptionally weird messages. You’ll have more WTF moments than you EVER thought you’d get in a hundred years.

I recently received another one of THESE:

I turn to a vampire any time i want to. i become a vampire because of how people treat me, this world is a wicked world and not fair to any body. at the snack of my finger things are made happened. am now a powerful man and no one step on me without an apology goes free. i turn to human being also at any time i want to. and am one of the most dreaded man in my country. i become a vampire through the help of my friend who introduce me into a vampire kingdom by given me their email. if you want to become a powerful vampire kindly contact the vampire kingdom on their email

Following this lovely message was an email address.

Hey, Internet spamming trolls, or weird Vampire wanna-bees, don’t leave me this shit. You know who you are. I’ll delete it. I’ll have a low opinion for you that only someone who lives for centuries can have. You’re a troll. A TROLL. Get the Hell outta here. And while you’re at it leave my friends alone too.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Dear Pants on Fire,

I’ve been receiving (flooded with) a bunch of emails lately from people who say things like:

  • My article would fit your blog.
  • My colleague told me about your blog.
  • Mommy Bloggers like you.
  • You share our concerns about parenting.

Then they go on to prove to me that they know nothing about me or my blog.

First of all I AM NOT a Mommy Blogger. I blog about parenting teens and young adults. I blog about Vampires. I HATE the term Mommy Blogger. The term Mommy Blogger makes me think of silly women who wear nothing but yoga pants, have expertly done highlights, think their children are the absolute center of the universe, and don’t know their husbands are sleeping with the top female executive where he works.

If you read my blog you would know that I don’t pitch products or services that I don’t use.

I write from the viewpoint of a Modern Vampire Mom. Get it?

I also write from the viewpoint of a mom who works, a mom who reads, a mom who is realistic about the world her kids live in, and a mom who thinks honest communication with children is more important than stroking the self-esteem of bratty smug children who are treated by their parents like they are Jesus Christ himself.

You’re a liar. You don’t read my blog. All you did was have your robot search for the tags that said things like “parenting” and “mom.”

Stop wasting my email space.

Where the fuck did you come from?

Yes, if you have a product for moms who swear too much I might write a review.

Yes, I will write a review of your product for $500 up front, and I can’t guarantee it will be good.

No, I will not link to your site just because you asked. I’m not THAT stupid.

I worked in marketing for over 35 years so I know the tricks. The tricks are old and stupid. That dog can’t jump anymore. Just put the poor creature down and leave me the hell alone.

Your profile is obviously fake. Do you think anyone is that stupid? You must because obviously someone has taken you up on an offer. Maybe not. I’ve met a lot of stupid marketing people in my time. Way too many.

We’re Vampires here. We drink blood. We say snarky things. We love our children. We’re smoking hot sexy. We love our regular human friends too much to subject them to stupid stuff – you know, like that stuff you email me about. So stop it.

I’m not even going to tell you to watch out for things that go bump in the night.

And to my wonderful regular readers – I will never subject you to any sales pitches unless it is to check out my merch page (for great shirts, pillows, and other cool Victorian Vampire themed stuff), or for stuff I like, or if I attempt to write and self publish another lame book, OR one of the WPaD Publications (proceeds go to MS Research.) Or to tell you about a book, blog (like maybe your blog), movie, song, or something I really love. But you know where I’m going with this. 

Can you imagine an infomercial type post featuring Tellias and Eleora, Max, Vlad, or The Ghost? No, neither can I. 

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire Maman