Dear Pants on Fire,

I’ve been receiving (flooded with) a bunch of emails lately from people who say things like:

  • My article would fit your blog.
  • My colleague told me about your blog.
  • Mommy Bloggers like you.
  • You share our concerns about parenting.

Then they go on to prove to me that they know nothing about me or my blog.

First of all I AM NOT a Mommy Blogger. I blog about parenting teens and young adults. I blog about Vampires. I HATE the term Mommy Blogger. The term Mommy Blogger makes me think of silly women who wear nothing but yoga pants, have expertly done highlights, think their children are the absolute center of the universe, and don’t know their husbands are sleeping with the top female executive where he works.

If you read my blog you would know that I don’t pitch products or services that I don’t use.

I write from the viewpoint of a Modern Vampire Mom. Get it?

I also write from the viewpoint of a mom who works, a mom who reads, a mom who is realistic about the world her kids live in, and a mom who thinks honest communication with children is more important than stroking the self-esteem of bratty smug children who are treated by their parents like they are Jesus Christ himself.

You’re a liar. You don’t read my blog. All you did was have your robot search for the tags that said things like “parenting” and “mom.”

Stop wasting my email space.

Where the fuck did you come from?

Yes, if you have a product for moms who swear too much I might write a review.

Yes, I will write a review of your product for $500 up front, and I can’t guarantee it will be good.

No, I will not link to your site just because you asked. I’m not THAT stupid.

I worked in marketing for over 35 years so I know the tricks. The tricks are old and stupid. That dog can’t jump anymore. Just put the poor creature down and leave me the hell alone.

Your profile is obviously fake. Do you think anyone is that stupid? You must because obviously someone has taken you up on an offer. Maybe not. I’ve met a lot of stupid marketing people in my time. Way too many.

We’re Vampires here. We drink blood. We say snarky things. We love our children. We’re smoking hot sexy. We love our regular human friends too much to subject them to stupid stuff – you know, like that stuff you email me about. So stop it.

I’m not even going to tell you to watch out for things that go bump in the night.

And to my wonderful regular readers – I will never subject you to any sales pitches unless it is to check out my merch page (for great shirts, pillows, and other cool Victorian Vampire themed stuff), or for stuff I like, or if I attempt to write and self publish another lame book, OR one of the WPaD Publications (proceeds go to MS Research.) Or to tell you about a book, blog (like maybe your blog), movie, song, or something I really love. But you know where I’m going with this. 

Can you imagine an infomercial type post featuring Tellias and Eleora, Max, Vlad, or The Ghost? No, neither can I. 

xoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “Dear Pants on Fire,

  1. “Keyword-mining auto-mailers” are what my IT guy says are the source of these thingies. At least they don’t mail them to you with “an exclusive deal ONLY for” .

    • I keep having to explain this to the elders and the young adults in my world. Yes, that is why our mail box is full of stuff from religious colleges leaving baffled young college aged minds wondering.

  2. I once got an advertising pitch from someone thinking I was a music blog since I made one post a week about pop songs. Wanted to pay me $60 to link to an article on indie bands in a future post that, once I was finally able to get some details about, turned out to actually be hosted on a sports betting site. Heck, even before I found out I’d have to write the entire post about what they wanted me to say and that they’d have to approve it first, I was already out. The Who didn’t sell out, and neither did The Nest…

    I do think an infomercial starring that gang here would be well worth watching, though! And I’d promise not to mock it in one of my TV Ad posts!

    • Won’t get fooled again…
      I had to add that. Couldn’t resist.

      I’m trying to think what I’d sell (aside from my shirts that sell as well as yours.) Fang sharpeners? Blood filtering systems?

  3. Following on from ES’s comment, I was also thinking that some mock ads for mock products “for the discerning modern vampire” featuring your chums would be rather fun 🙂

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