Ask Juliette: Fairy Tales, Kid’s Sports, and Vampires

Ask Juliette (Ask A Vampire – Advice for Everyone) is a somewhat regular feature at vampiremaman.com

This week I’ll answer some interesting questions about fairy tales, the hot button issue of kid’s sports, and a bunch of silly and random questions about Vampires.

Ask Juliette

What do you think of Fairy Tales?

Oh how many lives have been ruined by young women buying into the fairy tale, and expecting Prince Charming to come sweep them off their feet and make their lives whole.

Beauty and the Beast is a great example of Stockholm Syndrome.

Cinderella, despite her problems, marries a prince. The problem is that she marries a guy who can only recognize her by her shoe size. Something is wrong with that. She also stays in an abusive home situation long after she is old enough to be on her own. Seriously – if the girl is old enough to be married, she is old enough to get the Hell out on her own.

If I had been Sleeping Beauty’s mother I would have told her up front about the curse and skipped all of the fairy BS in the middle. And if I’ve been sleeping and some strange guy, or guy I hardly know, comes into my bedroom and kisses me, it isn’t going to go over well.

As for those little fat brats Hansel and Gretel… they shouldn’t go around eating the homes of elderly people.

Most fairy tales, in their original form are brutally cautionary tales. With the advent of Disney, and other media outlets, they became romanticized.

I love fairy tales. But I don’t ever compare them to real life. Honey, no fairy tale guy is going to rescue you unless he is has a foot fetish or is into necrophilia (and you don’t want any of that.)

Throw it Sister. All sports should be out of love.

Throw it Sister. All sports should be out of love.

What do you think about kid’s sports?

Are you talking about a child in a sport he or she loves? Or are you talking about a parent feeding her/his own dreams, ego, and desires?

Sports are great for kids… providing that the parents are realistic and mature about it. Yes, I said MATURE, because sports seems to bring out the immaturity in parents.

Here are my thoughts and rules:

  • Let your child have fun.
  • Don’t expect your child to win every single time.
  • Don’t pressure your child to win.
  • Keep out of the business of other children and other parents.
  • Don’t yell at the coach.
  • Don’t expect the coach to jump through flaming hoops for your child.
  • Don’t be jelous of other children or their parents.
  • Don’t bully or allow your child to be a bully.
  • Don’t say rude things to other parents or to children who are not yours.
  • Do not put us with others (parents and kids) bullying you or your children.
  • If your kid doesn’t win every single time don’t ask the coach to put them in a lower level event so they’ll have an easy win. Don’t drop out of the sport because they don’t always win. Many (most) Olympic athletes didn’t win competitions right away. Some didn’t blossom until they got to high school or college. There is nothing wrong with not coming in first every single time. Your kid will learn more from trying harder challenging herself and coming in last, than she will from an easy win.
  • Don’t be a shit head.
  • If your child won’t practice it isn’t the fault of the coach.
  • Your child is not a professional. Don’t act like they are. This is not their life. It is not your life. It is just a game. Get over it. Have fun. Chill. Don’t be a jerk.
  • If a coach makes your child cry then it is time to get another coach.

My child is a National Champion at her sport. When she started she wasn’t a natural. It took her a long time to catch on. I let her do it because she enjoyed it. We (her parents) supported her. We did not demand that she win at every meet. We did not care when she lost (for years.) We let her do her do it because she loved it. When she started to win we cheered LOUDLY. When she doesn’t win we still cheer LOUDLY. When others we know compete we cheer loudly.

When she first started she was bullied by other parents and children, because in sports there are always assholes who think they have to bully others. Those people are no longer in the sport. They’re losers. They will never be winners no matter how many medals they have. They will never get to the top of life. If I had anything to do over I would take stronger action against the bullies. My daughter has a partner in her sport who also is a kind and gentle soul, with a kind and gentle family who supports him.

Like I said – the bullies dropped out. The parents who demanded constant wins from their children dropped out. The kids who were yelled at learned to hate the sport and dropped out. The kids who were constantly being pushed by their parents to achieve unrealistic perfection dropped out.

The children who were loved, encouraged, and shown good humor stayed in the sport and became champions.

Now for some random Vampire questions from the peanut gallery.

Now for some random Vampire questions from the peanut gallery.

Do Vampires have gardens?

Yes, some do. I do.

Seriously - we are not monsters.

Seriously – we are not monsters. 

If I became a Vampire could I ever turn back into a Normal-Non-Vampire-Non-Blood-Drinking-Person?

You’ve got a lot of hyphens going on there. No, you can’t go back. What is done is done.

 

A photo of Udo just because he looks so good.

A photo of Udo just because he looks so good.

Can Vampires eat regular food?

Sometimes. Sort of. Maybe, for some. We tend to stick to green things like kale and artichokes, red meat, a bit of cheese, and alcohol. We generally don’t do well with carbs or sugar. In fact, none of us do well with carbs or sugar. Anything fried can make us sick for days. Most food makes us sick so we proceed with extreme caution. Passing a bakery and taking in the smells can be torture for some Vampires as they remember back when they were donut eating hot blooded folk. And only teeny tiny amounts of chocolate on only very special occasions. My advice is to just skip it. It isn’t worth it.

 

Iareseriouscat

Is it OK for a Vampire to date a Werewolf.

For God’s sake why would you want to? Sure, you could. It would be complicated. I guarantee they’ll be problems. But hey, who am I to judge? In the meantime stop asking. Everybody asks this question and I’m tired of it.

 

You know these guys!

You know these guys!

If a Vampire bites a dog would it turn into a Vampire Dog or a Werewolf?

WTF? It wouldn’t turn into anything but a pissed off dog because some asshole decided to bite it.

 

Don't bite me dude.

Don’t bite me dude.

If an X-ray was taken of a Vampire skull would it look different than a Human skull.

Maybe.

Teddyanddog

 

Why do Vampires always wear black?

We don’t aways wear black. Black is fashionable. Black can’t be seen at night. Black is easy. Black is hip. Black goes with almost everything. Black is just one color we wear. I love to wear blue and olive green. I love absolutely love olive green and moss colored clothing. Right now I’m wearing black, but I don’t always wear black.

 

It isn't always black, or even red.

It isn’t always black, or even red.

 

That is all I have time for today. If you have any pressing questions about parenting, Vampires, romance, relationships, or just about anything just ask me. I’ll answer just about anything. Send me a message at juliettevampiremom @ gmail dot com.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Juliette: Stupid Vampire Questions

Dear Juliette – Ask a Vampire – Advice for Everyone

Dear Readers,

I frequently get messages from readers asking me to do one of the following:

  • Turn them into a Vampire.
  • Tell them how I would turn someone else into a Vampire.
  • Or if I could point them in the direction of someone who would turn them into a Vampire.

This line of questioning puts me in an awkward position. Like explicit sex, and my personal religious beliefs,  I tend to avoid discussing the whole conversion process.

There are times when I do discuss it in context of a blog post, especially when I’m discussing helping someone who has just become a Vampire, but don’t expect details of the actual process. It isn’t something I discuss in public.

~ Juliette

 

vswirl2

Dear Juliette,

If I become a Vampire when I’m seventeen can I go to high school forever?

~ Endless Youth

 

Dear Endless Youth,

That would be exceptionally creepy. The Modern Vampire community looks down on that kind of behavior.

~ Juliette

vswirl2

 

Dear Juliette,

What is your favorite Vampire movie?

~ Film Boy

 

Dear Film Boy,

I’m not a big fan of Vampire movies, but I love “What We Do In The Shadows.” I absolutely love this movie.

~ Juliette

 

Dear Juliette,

Would you introduce me to your brother Max or Vlad the Vampire King. I think they’re both HOT.

~ Hot blooded Chick

 

Dear Hot Blooded,

No.

~ Juliette

v_swirl

 

OK, this was a throw away week of questions.

As Juliette is a regular Thursday Feature on Vampire Maman.

If you have a burning question about parenting, relationships, gardening, paranormal stuff, cats, life, the universe, and everything, or anything else, send your questions to juliettevampiremom (at) gmail (dot com).

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

Vampire Teen

 

 

Having Questions About Vampires?

Answers to stupid questions regular folks ask about Vampires:

Not my bed

  • No, bats don’t make good pets. They’ll die. Don’t do it.
  • No, we don’t tear people’s throats out. Think of the mess. And seriously do you rip the door off of your refrigerator every time you get something to eat? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
  • No, I don’t sleep in a coffin. I really want one of the Sleep Number beds.
  • Yes, we are sensitive to light. Thank you for asking and pass the sunscreen.
  • Yes, sometimes we do eat real food (we need fiber just like you).
  • Yes, we do have paranormal powers. No I won’t tell you about them.
  • Ask a Werewolf if you want to know about Werewolves.
  • No, garlic will not kill us.
  • No, a cross will not burn us.
  • Yes, fire can kill us. Fire can kill you too.
  • Yes, if you destroy my heart or cut off my head I’ll die. So will you.
  • Yes, this is a real Rolex. I purchased it new in 1959.
  • Yes, cat blood is pretty nasty.
  • Yes, we do hunt vegans.
  • No, being a vegan will cause a Vampire to go into a coma for a very long time.
  • Because you’d kill us.
  • No, we usually just make them think they did. That’s why people love us and have so many fantasies about us.
  • No, we can’t have biological children with a regular human.
  • No, less than 10% of humans turned into vampires survive more than a few weeks. Of that only 5% will make it. 90% die within an hour.
  • We wear other colors. Not just black.
  • Yes, we do prefer red wine over white.
  • No, I won’t answer questions about THAT.
  • Yes, Werewolf blood does taste sort of like Bourbon.
  • Yes, we do get married to other Vampires. No we don’t marry regular people (not anymore, it never works out)
  • No we don’t marry Werewolves. What is wrong with you?
  • No, I will not show you my teeth.