Don’t Touch My Food – or taking the bite out of being politically correct.

Vampires can’t live on sticks and twigs. No no no no no.

I’ve posted this information before, but now that school is starting, the pressure will be on our Vampire children to conform to the ways of “politically correct” regular human kids.

I’d like to just say “Screw political correctness and ignorance. We’re Vampires. Their rules don’t apply to us.”

Well OK I’ll say it “Don’t screw with Vampires or our children or our food choices. Our biology isn’t the same as yours. End of story. Stay out of our business” Whew, good to get that off of my chest. 

We’ve always had our strict codes of ethics among our kind (Vampires), but the modern political correctness worries me.

Everyone eventually finds the donor sources they are most comfortable with. My husband and I found that being a strong patrons of the arts provides an inexhaustible source of fresh nourishment.

That said, there is a small and extremely vocal group of vampires who want to ban all fresh blood gathering – that means that all blood should come in a jar and be consumed from glasses with no human contact.

Along with blood comes energy. We can’t over look that with every tasting we get a certain amount of life energy (the amount depends on the donor), which is required for maintaining both physical and mental health.

Tell your teens and young adults that is why we don’t go out and feed upon people in the street or total strangers. The energies run negative. We want positive and powerful energies. We also want to avoid those with evil energies.

But to avoid live contact all together is to deny your vampire soul. Some try to say it is the vampire equivalent of becoming a vegan but don’t let that argument sway you – it is not the same thing.

And when your vampire soul doesn’t get what it needs you will go insane and your friends and family will have to put you away or bury you alive until you go into a blood free induced coma. And NOBODY wants THAT.

A few of the side effects of long-term Noncontact lifestyles include:

  • Skin becomes more sensitive to light and sun
  • Healing and regeneration slow down below even human levels
  • Depression affects 90% of vampires who live without human donations
  • Sexual drive drops drastically and in 75% of cases becomes nonexistent.
  • Memory problems
  • Intolerance to cold and desire to hibernate during the winter months
  • Inability to sleep soundly (day or night)
  • Hair becomes dull and thins, often creating bald patches at crown and over ears.

On the extreme end are a number of vegan vampires (yes, please do roll your eyes). The long-term risks are too great to even consider this lifestyle.  The need to face the fact that they can’t change what they are.  No, you can’t be human, even if you once were. Get over it. There is no reversal. Period. If you continue the vampire vegan lifestyle you will be dead or in a coma within 3-5 years.

Note: Blood substitutes such as Perfluorocarbon based are excellent at providing short term help BUT are not a long term substitute for the real thing. Vampires who turn to a LONG TERM all artificial diet (no animal or human blood) are have a 50% higher risk of blindness, insanity and heart failure.

~ Juliette

The Vampire Friend Diet: for My Regular Human Friends

My neighbor Kelly and I often hang out on the back deck of either her home or mine with a nice bottle of red wine. Our kids are close to the same age – middle school and high school.

Kelly has been through a lot in the past few years. Her husband was murdered. The sister of the man who killed Derrick gouged out Kelly’s left eye. She had to go through the trial and aftermath of finding the killer (someone was paid to kill her husband). But she has survived and thrived.

Talk about stress. My heart just breaks for her sometimes. Yes, my cold vampire heart – we feel and love just like everyone else. Don’t judge us because we’re not like you (if you’re reading this and NOT a vampire).

Oh yes, and Kelly has ghosts in her house. Ghosts give me the creeps unlike anything else, but I’ve come to term with Kelly’s ghosts. I haven’t mentioned them to her yet. I’m not sure how to even bring it up.

So back to stress. Over the past few years Kelly has been fighting with her weight. She has been frustrated to the point of tears. Once she told me she hated going out in public and never let anyone take her photo.

She often commented on my diet with almost no sugar or carbs of any kind. I told her it would make me sick. She said it was making her sick in a different sort of way.

By the way, Kelly doesn’t know we’re vampires but she knows something is up. I live on that sort of street where it seems “something is up” with every household. Anyway….

Recently she has lost a little over 50 pounds and is happy with her new perfect weight. Best of all she is keeping it off.

Kelly’s Vampire Inspired Way of Life (the vampire diet)

Simple rules

  • Write down what you eat
  • Track your weight on a chart
  • No sugar unless it is from hugs, kisses, or fruits (excluding fruit juice)
  • Drink your water. DO IT.
  • Keep portions small. Eat half of what you usually do.
  • Make sure all carbs are whole grain and have a high fiber and/or protein content.
  • Eat loads of veggies. Kelly steams them and eats them plain or with a touch of lemon. Sometimes she splurges with a tiny bit of reduced calorie Ranch dressing.
  • Keep meats lean and only have them at one meal per day.
  • Stay away from processed food. Yes you can have your bacon (what is it about regular humans and bacon?) but only once a week as a treat.
  • Find proteins in beans and tofu
  • And be like a vampire and eat loads of dark leafy things.
  • Cut back alcohol to the weekends.
  • MOVE  – go to the gym, take a walk, dance to the radio, stretch, don’t use your husband or kids as an excuse. Make them do it with you. Make them fix their own dinner.
  • Get your family on board with you. If not DO IT ALONE.

So there you go. I never thought I’d be doing a diet blog, but I love my friends and I want them to all be HAPPY, HEALTHY and LIVE LONG LIVES.


~ Juliette

(Juliette and Kelly are based on fictional characters in an upcoming book in 2013-14 – More information and publication dates to come)