Summer Camp Prep for the Vampire Adolescent

Self-control is the bane of the vampire adolescent.

We all remember that sense of wonder when our paranormal kicked in and we discovered could woo small animals into our hands. To hold a thrush so close and feel it’s warmth and the beat of its heart against our cheeks. Hard beaks and soft feathers as it sits ever so still and calm for our pleasure.

Unfortunately when you send your middle school kid off to summer camp you have to warn her that it will be tempting but no matter how good it seems – it is not the time for your first kill or any kill for that matter. It isn’t even time for a taste.

Good manners are essential to becoming a successful vampire. 

Tell your kid “If your teeth get itchy grab an apple or an orange.”  Just don’t grab and animal or worse the wrist of one of your cabin mates.  At camp food isn’t always available  – Vamp-Toys makes a great taste free rubber like ball that kids can scratch their new teeth on.

Of course your kid will look at you, like mine did and say something like “Mom, yuck. I’m not into that sort of stuff yet. I’m not ready.”  Sort of like talking about sex with your kids only worse.

Four Important things to pack:

  • Teething gel – the kind used for babies. It works for our older kids. They can squeeze it into a small container so it won’t embarrass them if other campers see inside of their bags.
  • Iron tablets – to make sure they get the energy they need and aren’t tempted to grab a squirrel.
  • SUN SCREEN: Don’t forget. The higher the spf the better. Sunburns are already bad with us, but with the child going through changes it is HELL.  Include a protective hat too.
  • Guidebook on native plants: If you haven’t already, teach your child what native plants are edible. Many are rich in iron, C and calcium (you’d be surprised).

Outdoor camps that feature night hikes are perfect for the vampire child. Night vision makes it fun to share secrets with other kids, without giving up the ultimate secret (“guess what I’m a vampire”).

But any camp is good. Let your little birdies fly. Sooner or later they will have go out in the real world and hang with humans (opposed to bats LOL). Summer camp is a great way to experience that.

Summer camp at the beach

Vampire Maman has to vent a little

OK – this is just a vent….I’m sure all of you other vampire parents can relate. My 12 year old (7th grade, middle school) comes home today and shows me a video on Youtube of some crazy woman who had HORNS, freaking horns implanted into her head. And she had her face all inked up and all sorts of totally jacked up surgery stuff done to her face THEN she had the nerve to call herself a “Vampire Mom”. WTF? This is the shit our kids have to put up with.

I might be older than all of the other parents (I was born in 1859 a regular youngster by vampire standards) BUT I don’t look weird. I’m 5’4″ tall, brown hair in a messy bob, hazel eyes, freckles, sort of a girlish face. Yes, I wear make-up but not Halloween makeup. I wear jeans and sweaters and carry a Coach bag. I’m not a freak. You are not a freak either – if you haven’t already, watch the video, see the photos and talk to your kids. I’m sure they’ll think you are over reacting but it is better to be safe and keep the lines of communication open than have your child live in shame and disgust from the actions of a few freaks.

I guess I should just laugh it off but…it just pisses me off.

Beware of Emotional Vampires – an important book recommendation

This is important for your child (vampire or regular human). Jealousy is not a healthy or normal part of any relationship. A jealous partner isn’t doing out of love – he/she is doing it for control. I recommend this book for all parents and teens and anyone who might be at risk for staying in unhealthy relationships. Yes, tell all of your human friends NOT to get involved with emotional vampires (for THEY are the evil ones).

Short description

Is your boyfriend or husband unreasonably jealous? Women often mistake jealousy for an endearing display of affection without realizing that it can be a sign of something much more sinister. How can you tell when a man’s jealousy crosses the line from simple affection to unhealthy behavior? Can you fix it before it’s too late?

Extended description

Some people think jealousy is just a natural part of being in love, and that jealous behavior is just a man’s way of showing that he cares. But when a man displays jealous, suspicious behavior to such an extreme that it becomes downright ridiculous it crosses the line from a simple expression of affection to unhealthy obsession and mental abuse. It may even escalate into physical abuse.

How can you tell if your relationship has reached the dangerous point? Knowing how to recognize the signs can save you from a great deal of mental anguish and possibly physical injury. In fact, it could even save your life. Learn how to recognize unhealthy patterns of jealousy early in a relationship and take steps to prevent it from becoming dangerous.

The Jealousy Game outlines a relationship with a jealous man from the beginning, when his jealousy is seen as cute and affectionate, through to the end of the relationship, where it has escalated into violence and even life-threatening behavior. It… (Read more)

Adult-content rating:

This book contains content considered unsuitable for young readers 17 and under, and which may be offensive to some readers of all ages.


More tomorrow on the humorous side of being a Middle School vampire in 21st Century suburbia.

Mom, what should I wear?

Mom, what should I wear?

Right, like any middle school or high school kid is going to ask that question – even the vampire kid.

My 16-year-old son and his teen vampire girlfriend went to the prom dressed in black (him) and white (her), a sophisticated look from another time. 1930’s elegance mixed with a splash of Steampunk jewelry.  No over done eyeliner or red lipstick. They were exceptionally cute. Her blonde hair was in waves down her shoulders. His light brown locks were slicked back from his face showing off his great profile.

They both wore their traditional vampire family rings, given to each vampire child on his or her 16th birthday.  I was so proud of them!

They’d come up with the idea over lunch and she sketched her dress idea on a napkin! It was fun to see the creativity and joy so left out of the negative folklore of young vampires.

And isn’t cute what every modern vampire parent wants their children to be?

Fitting in is a matter of survival, but it doesn’t mean giving up your individuality.  I remember when I was 13 years old begging to wear a bustle and my mother making me be content with a big bow.  But I couldn’t feel sorry for myself because my friend Mary wore drab, dusty black clothing as if she was going to spend her entire life at a funeral. Mary’s parents were stuck in the old way of thinking that we should hide in the shadows. Don’t put that burden on your child. We’re bright and happy people. Sure we have A LOT to hide, but it doesn’t mean we have to look frumpy or limit our choices to red and black.

Don’t let them go overboard on the vampire look. The black clothes, pale skin, red lips just don’t say “Modern Vampire” or better yet it doesn’t say “Self Respecting Vampire”.  Not only is it tacky but also it is degrading. Tell them to save it for Halloween.

We’ve always been sharp dressers. We just can’t help it.

Dress just like the other kids.

Paranormal doesn’t mean abnormal.

School Lunch ideas for the middle school vampire

Having a child who is curious about drugs, alcohol and sex is easy. You have an open dialog starting early in childhood. You build trust between parent and child. You monitor their friends and school. Easy stuff.

Having a child who hits puberty and suddenly discovers he has an insatiable desire for human blood is an entirely different matter.  Just like with sex, your average middle school kid is curious but she won’t act on it. Just like the average vampire middle school like won’t act on the desire to bite his human classmates.

So that brings me to the subject of school lunches.

As you all know any carbs are out. By now all of your child’s classmates and teachers should know that your child can’t eat bread, chips, and cookies or more or less anything white (except cauliflower and onions).

Aside from that most food is safe. The difficult part is putting the red protein and blood into the diet, including when your child is at school.

A good way to add liquid blood into the lunch box is to add it to 100% cherry or cranberry juice. Mix it half and half for a great lunchtime treat.

Bone up on your baking with these Flour free Rye “Crackers”.

These whole-grain crackers are delicious and stay crisp for months in the freezer. Bake them as squares or circles. You can use any of your favorite seeds — caraway, fennel and sesame are my favorites. This is a favorite among teen vampires and their friends never know the difference.

1/2 pint of buttermilk

½ pint whole blood

1/4 cup Splenda or other sugar substitute (look on the web for conversion charts)

1/2 cup melted butter

1 tsp. salt

7/8 tsp. baking soda

Coarse bone meal

Caraway, sesame, fennel or other seeds if desired

Mix the ingredients with enough flour to make a thick dough. Roll the dough into a ball and cut into quarters. Roll each quarter into a 1 1/2 to 2-inch cylinder. Cut a cylinder into 6 slices. Press each side of each slice into whatever seeds you choose. Sprinkle rye flour liberally on the counter, then roll each slice out on the flour as thinly as you can — about an 1/8-inch thick and cut into whatever shape you wish.

Place each cracker carefully on a baking sheet. Bake at 425 degrees Fahrenheit for about 12-15 minutes.

Serve with your favorite cheese. My kids like sharp cheddar, herbed goat cheese and Swiss cheese.

Other suggestions for cool teen lunches are:

  • Rare beef rolled in kelp and Swiss chard mixed with tangy tomato sauce and flax seeds.
  • Blood and blackberry smoothies made with Greek Yoghurt.
  • Kelp chips just for the fun of it.
  • Jerky from any animal with red meat. Your choice, just watch the salt content and the sugar.

Now with the advent of the current Vampire mania fueled by the Twilight series and other books it makes it even more difficult. Check back soon for more articles and suggestions from other parents on raising your modern Vampire child.

For comments click on this story and the comments page will come out at the end. As old as I am with centuries you’d think I could figure out this blog thing. More soon.

Juliette aka Vampire Maman.