Vampire Mom Kills World’s Most Annoying Couple (she wishes)

Like a tornado BACK TO SCHOOL shopping is upon us. And NO we can’t get all of your shirts at Hot Topics because of school dress code (and NO ZOMBIE shirts – period – not in my house). And don’t even get me started on how hard it is to find cute shorts that are long enough for the school dress code (especially with a long-legged daughter).  And anyone saying boys are easy – don’t tell that to the parents I know with sons. They are sometimes, no ALWAYS even MORE picky about their clothes than their sisters are.  To make matters even worse Vampire kids are total fashion mavens. Oh well, I have to admit it is sort of fun (and sometimes I even find a deal or two for myself).

So we’re having breakfast and discussing whatever it is we discuss.

Garrett (16): I want to see the new Bourne movie.

Me: It got good reviews and Jeremy Renner is always great.

Clara (13):You think?

Me:He’s hot in a normal hot guy sort of way.

Clara: No he isn’t. He’s old.

Me: You’re 13 and he’s a good actor.

Clara: I hate my classes. I’m going to be in with all the freaks and weirdo kids.

Me: No you aren’t. And if it doesn’t work out I’ll have your dad call the school and have you moved. If I call they won’t do anything.

Garrett:All the teachers think you’re a bitch (laughing).

Me: I don’t care. They love your dad. He can deal with them.

The back door opened and we collectively looked. It was our guests – THE NEW VAMPIRES.

Teddy and I have long been experts in helping newly converted Vampires learn the ropes and keep from killing themselves or others. It is a long process that sometimes takes years.

I was born a Vampire but Teddy is a convert so we know both sides of the story. We also live a fairly normal life among regular humans.

But these two are going to be work. A lot of work.

They are a young couple who were recently in a car accident. The drove off of a cliff on the coastal highway and the choice was to convert them or let them die (according to our friends who converted them). To their advantage they both knew about Vampires already and were friends with some (a BIG mistake in my opinion).

To their disadvantage they are hyper negastical who think of us as one big science experiment. That and the fact that I don’t like the woman at all.

They worked for a famous high-tech company. He as a research and development specialist. She as a product manager marketing specialist. They think of themselves as brilliant, hip, trendy and are insidious know-it-alls. They are the worst of the “narcissistic children with too much self-esteem.” And now they’re in my house and I’m supposed to teach them how to be good little Vampires. OMG I’m in HELL.

I swear the first time I met her I was ready to rip her throat out. She is one of those people who thinks she is, as Garrett would say “thinks she is ALL THAT”. She is also a know-it-all snob and just plain rude. At the Vampire Masquerade Ball she was acting odd and completely detached. Cody was ok. I don’t know what he sees in her. He is quiet and sort of funny when she isn’t glaring at him for speaking up. I swear she keeps his balls in her purse.

So they come into my kitchen and she starts to discuss us as if we aren’t there.  They are Jennifer (Jen) and Cody.

“Look,” she says, “they’re taking on the guise of any normal American family.  The boy is extraordinarily good-looking but still looks realistic. Notice how kind his face looks.

“Excuse me?” I said, feeling my lip twitch (does that when I’m pissed and ready to kill). “We can hear you.” I wanted to say ASSHOLE, but refrained in front of the kids (who hear me swear all the time but no in front of strangers).

“This is charming really but you don’t have to pretend in front of us.” Said Jen.

“She thinks I’m extraordinarily good-looking mom.” Said Garrett. Clara started to laugh uncontrollably.

“Sit.” I said in my most stern mom voice. Where the Hell was Teddy when I needed him? “Clara, Garrett, upstairs NOW.”

The kids stood up and I heard a voice. “Hey Mrs. Juliette. Guess what?”

It was Randy, Garrett’s friend, a fellow Vampire teen. Randall Hawthorne to be exact. I suddenly remembered the tall lanky blonde boy was coming over.

“Randy, is your mom or dad outside still?” I asked, hoping they could help me out with the new vampires, in case I had to dispose of bodies.

“No, I wanted to tell you, I drove here all by myself. I passed my drivers test yesterday.”

“Congratulations.” I said.

His gaze went over to the new Vampire couple. “Hey, you’re the newbies. Welcome to the great big wonderful world of Vampire living. How do you like it so far?”

“You can’t be serious.” Jen looked disgusted. “Is this some sort of test? You can’t be a vampire.”

“I’m a 5th generation Vampire.” Randy showed his Vampire teeth. “Pretty impressive.”

“Jeez Randy.” Said Claire rolling her eyes.

“Excuse me,” said Jen, “I thought this was going to be some serious Vampire training, not an episode of Modern Family.”

“This is Vampire training. We’re a typical Vampire family. I am a Master Vampire Trainer. Jen, Cody, now is the time to forget all of the myths you’ve heard about being a Vampire. This is the real thing.”

“I’m in it for the immortality, not the warm and fuzzies Mrs. Cleaver. If I wanted middle class suburban nausea I wouldn’t have become a vampire.” Said Jen, trying to snarl but not quite doing the trick, like an experienced Vampire.

“Jen, cool it. I mean, it’s only breakfast, we have the entire day.” Said Cody now looking a bit uncomfortable.

“I was lead to believe that you would be teaching me to hunt and how to control humans.” Snapped Jen.

“You will learn that and more, when you are ready.” I said calmly, holding her gaze.

The doorbell rang. Before I could say anything Clara jumped up and got the door.

In came Adam Williams, the big, strong and reeking of testosterone photographer. “Hey, Jewles, I brought you those proofs and some nectarines, fresh off of my own trees.”  Adam was a photographer I’d was working on a PR project with (I have my own PR firm).  He is also a werewolf, a fact unknown to most.

I thanked him, taking the nectarines. “I believe this was the fruit Eve picked in the Garden of Eden.” I said. In my opinion nectarines are the perfect fruit and one that Vampires can enjoy with no worries of getting sick.

“Nectarines are a cross between a peach and a plum so they couldn’t obviously be in the Garden of Eden.” Snapped Jen as she flipped her hair and almost rolled her eyes.

Adam looked over at her. “Actually a nectarine is a type of peach, not a cross between a peach and a plum. Both peaches and nectarines are from the same family as roses. Nectarines are thought to have come from China eons ago but nobody knows for sure, not even Vampires.”

“Oh my, an expert. I take it you’re another middle class working stiff Vampire?” Jen almost spat out the words.

“Where the f*&^ did you get her?” Adam asked me.

“She is a new Vampire.” I told him.

“Who the Hell converted her? I can’t believe you’d accept someone like this into your ranks. I swear some my pack say you’re all going to hell and I’m starting to believe them.” Adam said.

“For your information, I became a Vampire to study the species and determine the key to eternal life.” Snapped Jen.

“Excuse me?” I said, “You wanted to become a Vampire? I was under the impression you were saved from an accident and accepted your fate?”

“Oh don’t be naive. Who wouldn’t want to live forever with eternal beauty and youth?” Jen did another hair flip.

Cody looked sick stood up out of his chair. “You wanted to become a Vampire Jen? You staged this thing? Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t want to be a Vampire…”

The look on Cody’s young face can only be described as horror personified.

“Hey, it’s ok,” said my own Garrett taking Cody by the arm and setting in on the couch in the next room. I’m so proud of my son. As for Jen, I had some business for her.

“You lied to Cody and tricked your sponsors.” I said.

“I did what I had to do. I want to be a Vampire. Don’t you get it?” She snarled at me.

Adam stepped back. “Don’t worry,” I told him, “she doesn’t have her full powers, not yet.”

“If you let me take care of her now you won’t have to worry about it later Juliette.”

“What are you talking about?” Jen screeched at us. “Vampire justice?”

“No,” said Adam, “Werewolf justice.” Did I mention that Adam is a Werewolf?

He gave a low growl, hair started to sprout on his arms and down his back.

Clara started to scream. I have to admit that there is something both terrifying and exciting about seeing a werewolf mid-change.

Jen started to scream, then Cody. “Now my dear”, I said to Jen. “Either change your attitude or I will feed you to the dogs.”

You know, I’d like to say Adam ripped out her throat, but instead she was sent back to her maker. There I’m sure she she’ll brown nose and lie and dig herself a very deep dark and damp grave. Then again, like all scum she might resurface at anytime.

Cody is staying on for a while and I think he’ll do quite nicely.

The kids are looking forward to having school start. Adam’s photographs he brought me were beautiful. Who would have thought a werewolf could have such an artistic eye.

OK, is there a moral or reason behind this story? No, not really.

Well, actually yes there is.

Before you ever consider converting a human into a Vampire, or a werewolf for that matter CHECK THEM OUT FIRST. Do your research and background checks.

Also don’t let them drag down somebody else. Poor Cody will need years of Vampire counseling for this ordeal.

So have fun everyone. School is starting so drive safe and watch for Randy!

~ Juliette

4 thoughts on “Vampire Mom Kills World’s Most Annoying Couple (she wishes)

    • Converting and changing are the same thing around here (taking a regular human and turning him/her into a vampire – not something I’d personally recommend). We’re pretty loose and casual with our terms, like, as Jen would say middle class working stiff Vampires. : )

      • Good point…I need to edit more carefully next time. Adam “changed” into a werewolf – as in changed form from man form to wolf form. But he could also bite someone and change her into a werewolf.

  1. Pingback: Evolution – For the moon shines bright on those who love | Vampire Maman

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