The Company We Keep

The Company We Keep (or if you think teens are romantic fools…try hanging out with adults – especially Vampires)

Romantic Disasters – Vampire Whores – Family – And the importance of just being there – and hula dancing.

My brother, my eldest brother…if Max was a D&D character (Dungeons and Dragons) or any other paranormal fantasy adventure character he’d be the big breath takingly handsome cunning, smart, ruthless, brave, dashing, warrior Vampire. Men would fear him. Women would swoon and fight each other off at his bedroom door. Unfortunately Max is a fool when it comes to women. I swear he is absolutely clueless – and he’ll never admit it.  Somewhere in his cold Vampire heart is the soul of a true romantic but with the worst possible romantic tendencies.

Max can take down the most evil ruthless Vampire, Vampire Hunter or other being, but when it comes to women he is defenseless. His heart has been broken so many times (he’ll never admit it) that I’m surprised he isn’t flat on his back in a 100-year-coma.

Clara and I had just come in from one of our usual drug store run (Vampire girls need eye makeup remover and nail polish) to find Max at my house in deep conversation with Teddy (my husband and my brother’s best friend).

Clara retreated to the family room with her brother while I poured myself a glass of wine and went to see my two favorite men (well almost, Max isn’t always my favorite).

“You and the children handled yourself quite well with the Vampire Hunters the other night.”

“With a little help from a Werewolf and a couple of geriatric Vampires. It was nothing. They were a bunch of fools. What pissed me off was that it was someone I’d been friends with. But we’re fine. Clara and Garrett did great.”

Max looked surprised. No tale of battle or a fight. No heroics. It was more like something out a comedy sketch. We discussed that a bit then went on to more important matters.

“How is Roxanna? Are you still going to marry her?” I asked. Roxanna was a rather Victorian Vampire – all prim and old-fashioned. A nocturnal Vampire who wore pearls and lace with every outfit and never had a hair out of place. I thought she was an odd and strangely uncomfortable choice for my brother, but who am I to say what makes his heart go pitter patter?

“It’s over between us.” Said my brother looking downright glum.

I was ready to do the happy dance. “I’m sorry.” He knew I was telling him a lie.

“What happened?” I asked.

“She said she wanted to wait until marriage. She wanted me to wait. I was more than willing to wait for her.”

That was a shock. I’d just assumed they’d you know… “You never hula danced?” I asked my brother.

“Really mom?” Sixteen-year-old Garrett yelled from the other room. “Hula danced?”

“You’re not supposed to be listening.” I yelled back.

Max answered quietly, “no we never consummated our relationship.”

Teddy stepped in and caught me up on the story. “Roxanna wasn’t that prim and proper after all. She was keeping a couple of Vampire Whores in her house. She brought Max up to her room, red and black silks, the waiting couple. She wanted their first night together to be an orgy of Vampire feasting and group hula dancing.”

“Yuck. What a bitch.” I had to say it. “Vampire Whores. That is so tacky, not to mention just plain wrong.”

Max gave me a sad look. “I knew it was over the minute I saw those humans all dressed in black silk robes and saw the look of lust and greed on Roxanna’s  face. She couldn’t even keep her fangs in.”

Vampire Whores.  “Holy crap and all things that are sacred to the people of the night” I swore under my breath.  Another thing we need to warn our kids about. Those are regular humans who live with vampires. Vampire Groupies. They take take take like heroin or meth. They’re like rats. They’re the cockroaches of the Vampire world. They’re vile putrid disgusting trash as far as I’m concerned. I wouldn’t feed on them if I was starving to death. They exchange the excitement of being fed on with sexual favors and servitude …. it is just wrong.

Yes, of course there is an exciting element to any hunt for vampires and sometimes even a sexual element, but come on folks, we don’t keep our donors in our homes like cattle or chickens.  Vampire Whores are frowned upon by almost ALL Modern Vampires – and not approved of by any Official Modern Vampire behavior standards and rules. Oh sure it happens, but not with well-bred Vampires. Especially not with my brother Max.

“I never knew she had such tacky taste. Red and Black. I swear it was like the set of a bad B Vampire movie” Max said in disgust.

I had to smile. I gave him a hug and told him again that I was sorry. Not sorry that he wasn’t with Roxanna, but sorry that he’d been strung out by some crazy ass bitch who used him without remorse.

We talked some more and eventually the kids came in to visit with weird pathetic Uncle Max.

I suppose I should tie this into parenting and relationships. Just be careful folks. If it feels like lies and betrayal then it is. If it smells bad and stinks then maybe you should throw it out.

And yes, “hula dancing” is a fun way to say “sex” when kids are around, well, until they get old enough to figure it out.