Unlove Letters


Always find a comfortable place to write your un-love letters. Make sure you don’t forget to bring your rug with you when you leave.

Unlove Letters (aka You Don’t Want Me Anymore and/or I Don’t Want YOU Anymore)

I get a lot of traffic on this blog for people looking for love letters, but what about break-up letters?

I was asked about it.

The whole idea of break-up letters leaves me cold, which is really cold considering I’m a Vampire. My philosophy, as an expert on romance and relationships is to make a break-up simple. By the way, I’m not talking about long term relationships like marriages, those which involve children, or anything involving violence and/or other abuse.

I’m also not talking about weirdness like mindful uncoupling, spiritual separations, or beyond unbonding.

My main advice is that when you break up you need to BREAK up. Don’t keep going back for more. Cut the social ties. Divide up the mutual friends. Be an adult, pull up your pants, put on your dancing shoes, and move on. Move on ESPECIALLY if they leave you. Please don’t make a fool out of yourself. Just move on. Cut your losses. Find yourself something that fits better.

But if you’re dating or moved in with someone and knew within the first week you’d made a bad mistake then sure, leave a note, then LEAVE.

Please don’t leave a long letter detailing everything annoying thing your former other did that you failed to tell them about when you were dating. Just keep it simple. Like I said, just move on. Make it quick and clean – it won’t hurt so much that way.


Dear Former Sugar Bear,

I took everything that was mine, including the cats. There is a half bottle of blood, and a bottle of white wine in the refrigerator. You can have those. I’ve blocked your number. Don’t ask me why I left. You know why.


Dear Zombie Pie,

I found another woman’s finger in our bed. I’m leaving. Don’t fall apart over it you pathetic brainless mess.


Dear Wolfie,

You howled under the wrong moon one too many times.


Dear Sprit,

Don’t try to ghost me. I beat you to it. You’re so fucking transparent.


Dear Mer,

There was always something fishy about this relationship. I need someone warm. Like maybe another mammal.


Dear Art,

I can’t live with your bad taste. I have to go before my eyes explode.


Dear Peter,

If you want a grown up woman and not just a playmate or a guy with tits then GROW UP.


You kind of get where I’m going with this. Keep it simple. Even keep it civil. Breaking up isn’t easy. Don’t make it harder on yourself than it has to be.

By the way, this is the last time I’m going to do this subject.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman


About this video: This was a local band that made one big national hit song. I saw these guys once and after the show we all went to a friend’s house. She was in love with one of the band members but he showed up with some trashy woman with big hair, super long fake finger nails, and a tight animal print dress. She was all over him like a bad rash. Too bad because they (my friend and the cute band member) would have made a cute couple. They would have been happy forever. You blew it dude. My friend, who was drunk, locked herself in her bedroom and passed out. My purse and keys were in there. I stayed the night trying to wake her up and listening to some asshole asking me if I wanted to do lines with him. Not not running lines for a play. That’s all. I think I fell asleep on the couch while some big dog growled at me every time I moved. This was in the 80’s. The 1980’s not the 1880’s.


By the way, that video starts out in Old Sacramento. The mansion shown later in the video is just down the road from the home of Eleora and Tellias. That is just trivia. Steel Breeze was a Sacramento band. The band members went to University of California Davis. Local stuff.

~ J






How to write a love letter (just a few words are all you need)

You’re the warm summer breeze against my skin. You’re a warm embrace on a cold winter night. You’re the hot in my chocolate. You’re the key to my lock. You’re the one who knows the punch line.

 Vampires write love letters too

Half the traffic on this blog comes from ONE post. It is called “How to Respond to a Love Letter.”

If you look up “How to respond to a love letter” on google you’ll be directed to THIS blog, Vampiremaman.com

Everyone loves the idea of love letters (admit it – I know you do.) The reason I’m with my husband is because I took a chance and wrote him a letter.

I’ve written a lot about love letters and romance. I want everyone to be in love as much as I am so I’m sending along a few helpful hints about writing that perfect love letter. Of course the most perfect letter is one that comes from your own heart in your own words. It doesn’t have to be poetry. It doesn’t have to be literature. It just has to be YOU.

I could do the bullet point thing or try to explain it all in rational terms, but we’re talking love here, so I will show you. I’ll give you small bits to build upon.

Below are situations in which you might want to write a love letter and a few suggestions to get you started.


Second thoughts…

Years later, you realize you might have made a mistake:
In my mind I had every reason not to love you. I was young and ignorant. Now I realize that I had every reason to love you, and now… I know, it was you, always you. 

First Contact

When you meet someone and want to let them know how you feel:
It was like I’d known you for years, like an old friend. I could have talked with you all night. I’d like to see you again.


Helpful hints

Don’t ever ever ever sound desperate. If you’re feeling desperation write it down, let it sit for a few hours or even a few days, then throw it away.

Another rule to ALWAYS follow is to never sound like a stalker or over possessive. Remember “love is not jealous.” And NEVER say “I can’t live without you.” That is just creepy.

When someone sends you a mean break-up letter

So you think you’re in love, or at least you’ve been spending 3 nights a week with someone for the past 6 months and suddenly without warning you get a mean letter pointing out your faults and saying it is over. PLEASE don’t beg for a second chance. Don’t call. Don’t go back. Don’t give them a second thought. But if you must write then make them feel guilty. Turn it back on the asshole. Nobody who makes you feel THAT BAD is worth your love.

I had no idea I was making you so unhappy. You should have told me. We often have habits and traits that we can’t see until someone points it out. Don’t worry, you won’t ever hear from me again  Have a happy life alone in your perfect world. You never deserved me.

And if you want feel free to add the word “asshole” on the end. A few years ago I would have not given that advice but you know, sometimes you just have to say it.

sun in my face


This is where you can let loose.

The memory of your skin on mine… 

I can still feel you on me. I can hear the beat of your heart, the fire of you kiss, the smell of your hair, the way you taste… 

You get the idea. Make is short and simple. You don’t need a lot of detail. Just the passion of a few words can get you there.

And the most romantic of all… The Little Things

It is these little things that make love last. It is those little things that make love worth it. It is those little things that make love real.

I love to watch you kiss the kids goodnight. I love to do nothing with you. I appreciate everything you do. I love to watch you cook dinner in nothing but your old jeans and hairy chest. Thank you for spending every night with me at the hospital when my mom was sick. I love you for going to boring dinner parties with me and not complaining. I love you for your laugh. You make me laugh. You make me smile. You make me happy. I love you because you’re not like anyone else.

lovers kiss

What you do to me.

A few words we love to hear from the one we love: You inspire me. You make me happy. You make me feel safe. You make me laugh. You make me __________ fill in the blank with something positive.

 Businessmen, Handsome Gen X

Speak from your heart

Let the words flow. Put down a single word, three words, a small chain of words. Sit back and see the poetry open up. Or those three magic words “I love you.”

Your hair

Brushes against my skin

Tickling my nose

And making me smile.

I thank you

For the smiles

And the love

And for you.

See, that was easy. Let’s try another.

I was attracted to your flannel shirt

Then you let me know what was under it

And I liked it even more

Links to examples of some simple silly romantic free verse (from this blog):

Had You Stayed the Way You Were

Tucked Away

I wait for you

Other Love Letter Posts

Click on the links below:

How to Respond to a Love Letter

Writing a love letter? Ask a Vampire.

The Art of Writing a Love Letters is Alive and Well (this is my favorite)

Lyrics that might help inspire you. These are songs (I love both of these, Always is one of my favorite songs of all time) I heard this morning but there are so many more.

Listen to your favorite songs for inspiration.

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.


(Panic! at the Disco)

When the world gets too heavy
Put it on my back, I’ll be your levy
You are taking me apart
Like bad glue on a get well card

It was always you falling for me
Now there’s always time calling for me
I’m the light blinking at the end of the road
Blink back to let me know

I’m a fly that’s trapped in a web
But I’m thinking that my spider’s dead
Lonely, lonely little life
I could kid myself thinking that I’m fine

It was always you falling for me
Now there’s always time calling for me
I’m the light blinking at the end of the road
Blink back to let me know

That I’m skin and bone
Just a king and a rusty throne
Oh, the castle’s under siege
But the sign outside says “leave me alone”

It was always you falling for me
Now there’s always time calling for me
I’m the light blinking at the end of the road
Blink back to let me know

(It was always you)
Blink back to let me know
(It was always you)

The Gambler


Slow down, we’ve got time left to be lazy
All the kids have bloomed from babies into flowers in our eyes
We’ve got fifty good years left to spend out in the garden
I don’t care to beg your pardon, we should live until we die

We were barely eighteen when we crossed collective hearts
It was cold, but it got warm when you barely crossed my eye
And then you turned, put out your hand, and you asked me to dance
I knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight

I swear when I grow up I won’t just buy you a rose
I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely
For even if the sun stops waking up over the fields
I will not leave, I will not leave ’til it’s our time
So just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side

It was the winter of ’86, all the fields had frozen over
So we moved to Arizona to save our only son
And now he’s turned into a man, though he thinks just like his mother
He believes we’re all just lovers, he sees hope in everyone

And even though she moved away, we always get calls from our daughter
She has eyes just like her father’s, they are blue when skies are gray
And just like him she never stops, never takes the day for granted
Works for everything that’s handed to her, never once complains

You think that I nearly lost you when the doctors tried to take you away
Like the night you took my hand beside the fire thirty years ago to this day,
You swore you’d be here ’til we decide that it’s our time
But it’s not time, you never quit in all your life
So just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side
You’re the love of my life, you know that I will never leave your side

You come home from work, and you kiss me on the eye
You curse the dog, you say that I should never feed them what is ours
So we move out to the garden, look at everything we’ve grown
And the kids are coming home so I’ll set the table; you can make the fire


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

The Company We Keep

The Company We Keep (or if you think teens are romantic fools…try hanging out with adults – especially Vampires)

Romantic Disasters – Vampire Whores – Family – And the importance of just being there – and hula dancing.

My brother, my eldest brother…if Max was a D&D character (Dungeons and Dragons) or any other paranormal fantasy adventure character he’d be the big breath takingly handsome cunning, smart, ruthless, brave, dashing, warrior Vampire. Men would fear him. Women would swoon and fight each other off at his bedroom door. Unfortunately Max is a fool when it comes to women. I swear he is absolutely clueless – and he’ll never admit it.  Somewhere in his cold Vampire heart is the soul of a true romantic but with the worst possible romantic tendencies.

Max can take down the most evil ruthless Vampire, Vampire Hunter or other being, but when it comes to women he is defenseless. His heart has been broken so many times (he’ll never admit it) that I’m surprised he isn’t flat on his back in a 100-year-coma.

Clara and I had just come in from one of our usual drug store run (Vampire girls need eye makeup remover and nail polish) to find Max at my house in deep conversation with Teddy (my husband and my brother’s best friend).

Clara retreated to the family room with her brother while I poured myself a glass of wine and went to see my two favorite men (well almost, Max isn’t always my favorite).

“You and the children handled yourself quite well with the Vampire Hunters the other night.”

“With a little help from a Werewolf and a couple of geriatric Vampires. It was nothing. They were a bunch of fools. What pissed me off was that it was someone I’d been friends with. But we’re fine. Clara and Garrett did great.”

Max looked surprised. No tale of battle or a fight. No heroics. It was more like something out a comedy sketch. We discussed that a bit then went on to more important matters.

“How is Roxanna? Are you still going to marry her?” I asked. Roxanna was a rather Victorian Vampire – all prim and old-fashioned. A nocturnal Vampire who wore pearls and lace with every outfit and never had a hair out of place. I thought she was an odd and strangely uncomfortable choice for my brother, but who am I to say what makes his heart go pitter patter?

“It’s over between us.” Said my brother looking downright glum.

I was ready to do the happy dance. “I’m sorry.” He knew I was telling him a lie.

“What happened?” I asked.

“She said she wanted to wait until marriage. She wanted me to wait. I was more than willing to wait for her.”

That was a shock. I’d just assumed they’d you know… “You never hula danced?” I asked my brother.

“Really mom?” Sixteen-year-old Garrett yelled from the other room. “Hula danced?”

“You’re not supposed to be listening.” I yelled back.

Max answered quietly, “no we never consummated our relationship.”

Teddy stepped in and caught me up on the story. “Roxanna wasn’t that prim and proper after all. She was keeping a couple of Vampire Whores in her house. She brought Max up to her room, red and black silks, the waiting couple. She wanted their first night together to be an orgy of Vampire feasting and group hula dancing.”

“Yuck. What a bitch.” I had to say it. “Vampire Whores. That is so tacky, not to mention just plain wrong.”

Max gave me a sad look. “I knew it was over the minute I saw those humans all dressed in black silk robes and saw the look of lust and greed on Roxanna’s  face. She couldn’t even keep her fangs in.”

Vampire Whores.  “Holy crap and all things that are sacred to the people of the night” I swore under my breath.  Another thing we need to warn our kids about. Those are regular humans who live with vampires. Vampire Groupies. They take take take like heroin or meth. They’re like rats. They’re the cockroaches of the Vampire world. They’re vile putrid disgusting trash as far as I’m concerned. I wouldn’t feed on them if I was starving to death. They exchange the excitement of being fed on with sexual favors and servitude …. it is just wrong.

Yes, of course there is an exciting element to any hunt for vampires and sometimes even a sexual element, but come on folks, we don’t keep our donors in our homes like cattle or chickens.  Vampire Whores are frowned upon by almost ALL Modern Vampires – and not approved of by any Official Modern Vampire behavior standards and rules. Oh sure it happens, but not with well-bred Vampires. Especially not with my brother Max.

“I never knew she had such tacky taste. Red and Black. I swear it was like the set of a bad B Vampire movie” Max said in disgust.

I had to smile. I gave him a hug and told him again that I was sorry. Not sorry that he wasn’t with Roxanna, but sorry that he’d been strung out by some crazy ass bitch who used him without remorse.

We talked some more and eventually the kids came in to visit with weird pathetic Uncle Max.

I suppose I should tie this into parenting and relationships. Just be careful folks. If it feels like lies and betrayal then it is. If it smells bad and stinks then maybe you should throw it out.

And yes, “hula dancing” is a fun way to say “sex” when kids are around, well, until they get old enough to figure it out.

mystic sky

A Vampire Looks at The News (and it isn’t good)

I was going to play off of a news story today for my blog posting. I couldn’t find a story to even leap off of.

Dowton Abby started last night. I thought it was Downtown Abby. See what I know. I’m not always one for historic drama seeing as I’ve already been there and done that.

There was a squid invasion off of the coast of California. As long as they don’t trek the 90 miles inland to my house I’m good.

Taylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend. That isn’t really news. Young people ought to be breaking up and not getting too serious with each other. Isn’t that what youth is all about? And anyway, my kids mostly listen to Indie bands these days.

I saw this chilling story: “A 17-year-old, self-proclaimed white supremacist will be arraigned today in what police say was a plot to attack fellow students at his high school in Russell County, Ala., with homemade explosive devices.” Don’t be afraid of things that go bump in the night, Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts and even Zombies. Be afraid of insane white supremacists and the Westboro Baptist Church and anyone who thinks that hate should rule the world. Where the F are the parents??? Don’t they ever talk to their kid or watch what he is doing? Why the F do people like that even have kids. SHAME ON YOU.

Prince Charles is said to be “worried about the environment”. He needs to be worried about his kids getting naked at parties in Las Vegas and all the crazy ass hats the female members of his family are wearing.

Honey Boo Boo family has a money plan? What? To set up a first rate meth lab? Why is that news? Why do we care? Why are those people on TV?

It just seems that sometimes the news outlets are looking for so much flash to drag people in. It isn’t even sensationalism. It sure isn’t The Weekly World News. It is just trash. I hope that the culture of Jersey Shore, Redneck Everything, Pregnant and 16 (and stupid) would just go away. It has gone beyond entertainment and now poses as news. I have nothing else to say except I’m disgusted with what the public has accepted as normal and as news.

The fact, that I try to tell my children, is that it drowns out what is really important. And you know what that is. I don’t need to make another one of my famous bulleted lists. .

Some of you might ask about Vampire News.  There is some. A little. Nothing for you to be concerned about. Nothing that we can’t handle ourselves.

And don’t forget to watch for squids crossing the road…

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman




A Vampire Teen – Love Poems and Letting Go (in honor of National Poetry Day)

She stood by the trees

Green leaves glowing in sunlight

Hope and desire glows

From her perfect skin

Her blonde hair like a halo.

My heart breaks

For my fondest desire

Is to grow old and frail

With my springtime girl

She stood by the trees

And smiled back at me

I waved and smiled

Just friends, not lovers or donors,

Friends for a while

And I wish her well

A long and happy life

As I watch and wonder “what if?”


I found that free form verse scrawled on a paper in my 16 year old son’s backpack. I wasn’t snooping, he told me he had a paper in there I had to sign.

But it broke my heart, a little, to see him so grown up, but yet still so young.

His father and I have had “the talk” about the different life spans of regular humans and those of us who are vampires.

I know the girl. Her name is Amber. She always kisses our cats when she comes over with the usual pack of teens for swim parties and study groups. She played Olivia to his Orsino in the school production of The Twelfth Night.

He let her go so she could date another boy, a boy who isn’t him, a boy she won’t fall in love with.

I see him through his bedroom door sitting on the bed with his laptop, black skinny jeans, hair in his eyes, skyping with friends, laughing. A normal 16 year old by anyone’s standards.

Follow up to this post: https://vampiremaman.wordpress.com/2012/07/10/vampire-teens-dealing-with-a-broken-heart/