It is sad that my 13 year old daughter talked about suicides for about a half hour last night. She wouldn’t shut up about it but then again, she needed to talk about it. But what was scary was how she was so matter of fact about it. But she was also passionate and angry about it.
This isn’t the first time she talked about it. All of the kids talk about it a lot. It is common conversation with kids. But usually not with kids and adults. They don’t share this information or their concerns about suicides with their parents or teachers, especially not with their parents because they don’t talk to their parents about anything.
There were attempts or actual deaths at several local middle and high schools. Some schools have more because of their culture of bullying.
We’re on the border between high school boundaries, and thank goodness we’re in the boundary for the “nice” school. Sure there is bullying there on some scale, but it isn’t a huge part of the student culture (like the other school). With 2,500 students they all aren’t going to get along or be nice.
My son says there is a strong anti-bullying theme in his school’s culture. I hope he is right and it isn’t just wishful thinking.
The other school is smaller and (according to kids and parents I’ve spoken to or overheard) there is a huge girl bully culture. The school is ruled by a gang of girls who pick on other girls with no mercy. I personally know of at least two girls who ended up homeschooling because it.
Anyway, that isn’t exactly the point of this post (ragging on a school I’m glad my teens won’t attend.)
I’m not worried about my kids. They’re strong. They’re alphas. They don’t bring negative attention to themselves. They aren’t bully bait. I’ll pass on the Vampire stuff here because they go to school with all sorts of kids and that is not the point of this post either.
The point is…
Too many children, and I mean CHILDREN are resorting to suicide to solve temporary problems. It is tragic. It should not be happening. It needs to be addressed. And for every high profile case you hear in the news there are dozens, I expect hundreds of cases you don’t hear about.
I don’t have an answer. But first and foremost school administrators need to stop with the “shake hands” bullshit and kick bullies and bully culture out of their schools. They need to ask, “Why are so many kids dropping out to be homeschooled?” Gee do you ever consider it is because your school has an unsafe hateful environment?
Parents…raise your kids not be bully bait. Don’t let them be timid. Don’t over protect them. Let them know that if they act weird other kids will make fun of them. They can act weird at home. And TEACH YOUR KIDS NOT TO BE A BULLY. Teach them to not be friends with bullies. Teach all kids to put the bullies on the bottom of the social scale not the top. Teach all kids to protect the weak and timid and shy and small and fat and different.
But then again my daughter said some of the girls at the “other” school are bullied “just because”. Just because they dated someone that the head cheerleader liked or went to a different Middle School or plays the tuba or usually for no reason except that they were breathing and taking up some of the bully’s sunshine.
But death isn’t an option. High School lasts 4 years then it will be all over. They can start a new life. They can do better and say “I’ll show them all”. I know it is hard.
And often times parents don’t even know what is going on with their kids. They don’t know their daughter had sex with a couple of guys because she wanted to fit in and feel loved. They don’t know that because of that she is now being slut shamed and terrorized. Open your eyes. TALK WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT UNCOMFORTABLE THINGS.
Like I said. I have no answers. I guess it all goes back to deliberate parenting. Raise your child so they won’t be bully bait. But also raise them not to accept bullies. Raise them to be aware and raise them to protect others. Raise them to listen to their peers who might need help or need a friend.
And tell them that it is ok to tell an adult about things that are going on at school. It might save a life.
I don’t have an answer for this. A close friend of mine was bullied without mercy as a child but took the attitude “one day I’ll show them all with my success”. And she did. Unfortunately not all kids have that inner fire and toughness.
Anyway, it was sad, too sad. I wish I had a real answer. I really wish I did.
~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman
More on this subject on this blog:
Listen to Teens – an important message from a teen
My kids don’t care if you hate their music for no reason – they care if you hate for no reason.
If you have any other links please feel free to share.
Vampire Maman 
I have the film “Bully” but I haven’t watched it yet. My therapist thought it would be too triggering. Someday soon I am going to see it. The young man in the film I have heard who was mercilessly bullied now has come out of his shell because of the film. He has lots of friends. He is a success story. Far too many teens have taken the road to commit suicide. It was far too painful and the bullies were far too merciless. I understand the effects of bullying. I was in music, marching band, orchestra, theatre, sports but I didn’t fit in anywhere and I was also extremely shy. But when I was in school the bullying wasn’t what it was today. Suicide wasn’t the first solution. It seems that today it is the first resort to ending the pain. Like you, I don’t know the answers. If you tell you are considered a snitch and it makes the bullying worse. I think you are right , there should be a no tolerance rule on bullying. You bully kids you are out of that school. Try a little home schooling on the bullies and let the other kids live in peace. I suppose if I were a student today I might be one of the at risk kids to commit suicide. I know from the way I felt at that age I would not be able to take the kind of torture they are handing out today. I think maybe it is time for me to watch the film “Bully.” It is one of my top issues to talk about on my blog but I haven’t done it recently. Maybe it’s time to watch the film and then review and talk about it. This is a great post. Something I needed to read right now. Thank you for bringing the issue to people’s awareness. It does need to be constantly put out there for people to be continually reminded that the issue exists. It is interesting that I happened to be talking to my partner about this just this past week. I was asking her where our copy of “Bully” was. I told her about the boy I mentioned above. I lost my point. It went right out of my head. I think you point of the the strong giving support to the weaker kids is a brilliant idea. All kids should get involved. Now I remember what I said to my partner. It was about one of the authority figures from the school where the film took place. She said, that she has ridden the bus in question, (she is talking to some parents) and the kids were nothing but behaved. That there wasn’t any problem. Well, she sounds like a real idiot. Does she really think those kids, especially the bullies, are going to act out while she is present. How stupid is she. This is the mentality kids and parents are dealing with, because they don’t see it, it isn’t happening. They would rather not see, that way they don’t have to do anything about it or feel responsible for it happening. Who knows maybe some of them were bullies themselves and feel, “well, isn’t that too bad. why don’t they stop whining and just suck it up.” It has too happen in the schools. Bullying should be tantamount to abuse on many levels and should not be tolerated and should be prosecuted. It’s plain out and out torture. Since when is it ok to torture kids. It’s like one level below domestic violence, which once upon a time was not considered significant enough for the police to do anything about until someone was usually killed. I am going to reblog this and later today I’m going to try to find out copy of the film “Bully” and watch it. And sometime this week, if I am able, I will write a review of the film. But if not this week I will do it as soon as I am able to, which will be soon, I promise you that. jk the secret keeper. ps. A Great Post.
Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts. It means so much to read your words. Kids always feel so helpless and they don’t have the life experience to help themselves. And you are absolutely correct – it is torture. Bullying is torture.
I like the idea that bullies should be the ones who have to be home schooled and separated out. I might suggest THAT to school administrators.
Bullying really is torture. And if it is continuous with no escape, a kid needs to find one. Suicide is a temporary solution but it is too permanent. The pain has to find another way to be stopped. I added a bit more when I reblogged it on the secret keeper. I thank you. I need to head out to therapy. So I want to post your reblog with the addition I made. TY again for the gentleness in your nature. jk xox
Reblogged this on the secret keeper and commented:
Bullying is an issue everyone, whether you have children or not, should be concerned with and should be upset about. This post that Vampire Maman wrote brought up many important points that need to be addressed immediately. Bullying should not be tolerated or allowed to exist in our school systems. Go to her sight and read the complete post and join in the non-violent fight of stopping this SAD situation where children think that suicide is the only answer to ending the pain of bullying. Stopping the Bullies is the answer and coming to the aid of those who need help. Tell them it will be alright. Help stop their pain by stopping the torture and stopping teen suicide because of it. jk the secret keeper
Thank you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
Thank you for bringing this issue up. Teen suicides isn’t the answer. Finding another way to stop the pain is. I actually could use that hug. TY for the offer. You did a great job writing your post. I am so glad I checked my reader. Not usually up this early so I would say I was meant to see your post this morning. jk
Heartbreaking. Children are so precious. I was bullied at school also. It carries with you all your life.
I’m so surprised how teens take it as a matter of fact. They don’t like it. They are horrified by it but they feel helpless to do anything about it because the bullies rule.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I didn’t know. Hugs.
Juliette, That is why I do so many things that involve children and the imagination. Imagination is healing.
For all who have Netflix, I just found out that “Bully” the film is streaming on Netflix. I am watching it on 04.23.13 Tuesday. How long they will have it I do not know. it is, also, available on DVD now. jk
No answers here either, J. You had the best solutions. Teach them not to be bullies, and also not to be afraid of them. Young people need to be taught these things because they’re not something you pick up as you’re experiencing the pain, not something you can learn from a book, not something you can do without some help from an experienced (wiser) person. So many parents dodge the problems because they just don’t want to deal with them and kids suffer. Sad !
Paul
I agree. It makes me very sad. 😦
This is very touching, Juliette. I too am shocked how many young people think and discuss suicide! Thank you for sharing this!
Ten years ago I wouldn’t have been having these conversations with the teens in my life. Very sad.
“Let them know that if they act weird other kids will make fun of them. They can act weird at home.”
I’m sorry, what? I mean, I agree with how we have to stop bullying and parents have to teach their kids not to be bullies. I agree that no one should resort to suicide.
But I disagree with you here. People should be themselves. As a person with experience from both sides of the fence on this, I’d rather be hared for what I am than be liked for something I’m not.
Still, this was a very moving post and for the most part I agree with what you’re saying. I like how you brought up the obvious, that kids don’t tell their parents anything, yet parents still assume they know their children.
Thank you for taking the time to write this.
In a perfect world people should be able to be themselves. But sadly it isn’t a perfect world. I’m not going to sit back and let kids I know put ‘KICK ME’ signs on their backs – we need to guide them if we see them in trouble. It is sad. And my kids have a lot of friends who are “different”. But your point is absolutely true – everyone should be able to be exactly who they are and their friends need to stand up for them. Grown ups need to stand up for them. Strangers need to stand up for them. When that happens the bullies will go away. Thank you for your comments and for visiting.
And parents – remember to let your kids know that they can talk to you without judgment and in a safe environment. Sometimes they don’t need a lecture or a solution – just an ear to listen and a hand to hold.