Vlad’s Vampire Diary: Dang Cute

Dear Diary,

When I was King of Vampires, long before I was locked in a crypt for 300 years then dumped out into the 21st Century I could control my world. I could make suggestions or give commands and what I needed done would be done.

I must pay for water, and gas, and electricity. I do not understand how natural gas and electricity get into my home, but I understand water.

Someone hacked my bank account. I do not understand why it is called hacked. Hack is what a cat does when she has a hairball. So now I must call all of the utility companies, that is those people I buy gas, and electricity, and water from so that they will not turn off my natural gas, electricity, and water. NOW I must go online into nowhere. When that does not work, I must make a telephone call. Then I am told to hold. The voice telling me hold is not real so I have no recourse but to wait. All of my Vampire powers are for naught. Odd off kiltered music from Hell plays in the background while I wait, with messages to go online, yet online does not work for the task which I must do.

This is not progress.

Then a disembodied voice over my phone, with the same hellish music playing in the background tells me there is a ap for that.

I am truly in Hell. I wish there was a throat I could rip out right now, but alas only a message to wait and wait and wait and wait. The 21st Century is not kind to Vampires.

Why is it called natural gas opposed to unnatural gas. It is not natural for humans, or Vampires to have gas in their homes, of course unless they have cats, or especially if they have dogs or teenage boys.

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

Tonight I drove to Cassie’s bar to see friends, and maybe get a bite to eat. One would think there was a war going on with the number of tents along the roads and in the parks downtown. I do not understand that in a century where anything is possible that this is possible. It makes no sense. I do not understand. Yet it is a subject on the lips of everyone.

I parked a block from the bar which was not fortunate due to the torrential downpour of rain. That is a good thing and a bad thing. It is a good thing because the place in which I live is in a drought. It is a bad thing because I was parked down the street from Cassie’s bar.

Getting out of my car pulled the hood of my jacket over my head. A lot of good that was, for as soon as I locked the doors a hand clamped down on my shoulder and spun me around.

I stood facing a man who stood at least six and a half feet tall. He was dressed all in black water proof clothing. Rain gear. It is called rain gear. Behind him were two other men who were not as tall, but also dressed in black rain gear.

“Vlad, this is the day you die,” said the tall man who had spun me around.

“But you do not even know me,” I said. He did not know me, but I knew at this point that I was facing Vampire Hunters. I am a Vampire so this was not a welcome situation.

Then one of the men in the back said, “Damn, they said he was good looking but not THAT good looking. This is unreal.”

“Yes,” I said calmly, “and it is unreal that you should wish to kill a creature as beautiful as I am.”

All three of them stepped forward. One had a wooden stake. One had a knife. The large one had a rope of garlic.

“I hate to disappoint you boys, but Vampires are not repelled by garlic. I do not know where that myth came from. Maybe it was from the Italian Vampires who started it as a joke.”

The men all had puzzled expressions on their faces. This was not what they expected. Then faster than they could see I grabbed the throat of the largest one and pushed him back. He fell on the ground and did not get up. Then I pushed my wet hair out of my eyes and approached the other two.

I showed my fangs. “You do not want to do this. I can tell you are amateurs, though I do not know how you found me.”

Then the one on the left said, “You know Ryan, he really is cute.”

“I can’t get over it Blake. Damn, this isn’t what I expected from a former Vampire King. He really is above and beyond handsome. My girlfriend would be saying daaaaaammmmmmn he’s hot.“

“I know,” said Ryan. “Hey, Vlad. Um, would you mind if I took your photo with my phone for my girlfriend?”

I stood in the rain, my soaking hair in my face, my foot on the chest of a large passed out Vampire Hunter, while two young men, talked about how cute I was.

“You know, with the fangs out, he kind of reminds me of a kitten. Ferocious, but dang cute,” said Ryan.

“Oh my god, you’re right,” said Blake.

“But they said you were sort of dense,” said Ryan, as he looked at me.

“Dense? What do you mean by dense? Heavy? Thick?” I said.

“No,” said the one called Ryan. “Sort of clueless. You’re not clueless at all.”

“Who called me clueless?” I asked.

“Well for one,” said Blake, “our friend Ben. The guy on the ground. He was told you didn’t know shit about anything and that you were, um, simple, like a little kid. You’re not like that at all.”

“Of course not,” I said. “I just turned 780 years on October 23. I am not clueless or simple. I was King of Vampires.”

“They said…” Ryan continued.

“No,” I said, “I was locked in a crypt for three hundred years. I missed the 18th, 19th, and 20th Centuries. Of course it was confusing. Think about it. Plus I did not know the language, as in Modern English. I did not even know what electricity was, or that there were airplanes, or telephones, or chain saws, or canned cat food, much less everything else. But I have been here since 2014 and I know more than you or any Vampire Hunter, or amateurs such as yourselves will ever know.”

“Dude,” said Blake. “That is just what we were told. Don’t get all…”

“Stop,” I said. “I do not know where you found this large ghoul who is on the ground, but you are no Vampire Hunters. Go home to your girlfriends, get dry, make love, just forget,” and I held my hand up and spoke slowly, “go home and forget you ever wanted to be a Vampire Hunter, or you ever wanted to kill me, or you ever believed Vampires are real.”

The two young men stood in a trance, because that is what I do. I can put people in trances. I can make them forget. Next I took a share of blood from each one of their necks, then I put dreams of a warm bed with their warm girlfriends in their heads.

Next I clapped my hands together. They opened their eyes and looked at me in a confused manner.

“Get your friend,” I said. “He seems to have slipped in the rain. Go home, get dry, be safe.”

They left with their large friend, and I went on to see Cassie and my friends at the bar.

I entered Cassie’s bar, soaking wet. All I could think of was that I had just been compared to a cute kitten. A kitten. I was once the King of Vampires, feared far and wide for my power…and whatever, it does not matter now. A dang cute kitten! I will never understand this century.

Once inside of the bar Diego, who usually cooks, brought me towels to dry off with. The rain was coming down as if an entire ocean was being dumped upon us. I noticed a large pile of towels that were ready for anyone coming in out of the rain.

After I had removed my coat I found the table where my friends Randolpho, and Constantine, along with my love Gillian were waiting for me. Cassie came to the table and gave me a warm kiss on my more than usually cold cheek.

“This is for you Vlad. It is called a hot buttered rum. If anything will take the chill off of a wet Vampire this will,” said Cassie. She then winked at Randolpho and went back to being bartender.

“What’s going on with you Vlad?” Randolpho asked.

My love Gillian took my hand.

“Nothing. Did you know I am dang cute? Well I am,” I said.

My friends laughed, not at me but with me.

Dang cute. In my 780 years I would have never imagined that is how I would end up.

~ Vlad

This has been the 76th installment of Vlad’s Vampire Diary. To read all of the entries from the beginning in 2014 CLICK HERE.