Looking Down

I live in a home with over fifty steps. This includes inside and outside stairs.

Last night we had a sudden and unusual thunder storm. I went out to the deck to take a look. There is a top deck and a larger bottom deck (we live on a hill.) Ten stairs are between the two.

I looked down in the dark, not expecting to see anything. And nothing was there. No glowing eyes. No still and bloody body. No cracked open skull spilling brains on the wood. No rabid coyotes. No Goblins waiting to rip my heart out and take over my home.

The wind whipped around my head, and the rain started to fall. I turned to go back inside, then felt an icy hand on my shoulder. I turned.

At the bottom of the stairway was The Ghost. He stood there, his hair dripping from the rain, his eyes dark with a hint of sky blue in the dark. Then as usual he flipped me off and vanished with the words, “Oh Vampire, even you have fear in your heart.”

“No,” I yelled. “The only thing I fear is missing the last step and falling.”  Then I yelled. “And I the thing I fear most is you not shutting up. Thank you for not talking my ear off tonight you little puke.”

I went inside and fed the cats. I could hear a quiet laugh from outside, at the bottom of the stairs.

 

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/stairway/

Top things I hate about people who aren’t Vampires

Top things I hate about people who aren’t Vampires

Followed by a few things I like about people who aren’t Vampires.

Warning: Strong language, adult situations, offensive to everyone who thinks they are the shit.

People who won’t give you a recipe or leave out ingredients. Get over it. Your cookies, cake, salsa, tuna casserole, fill in the blank aren’t that special. Vampires don’t cook much but when we do we SHARE. That is what you’re supposed to do. Were you raised in a fucking badger hole or what?

Sexist views and general sexism. Men and women are different, but that doesn’t mean one is lesser than the other. So get over it – both men and women.

Humans who put dogs in crates. Unless your name is Schrödinger or you’re going on a trip or to the vet, dogs (and cats) should be allowed to be part of your life, not your prisoner. If your dog is so badly behaved that you have to lock it in a box MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A DOG. Ever think about that? And don’t tell me that dogs feel safe in crates. Visit your local prison to see how it feels.

People who say they don’t like cats and constantly tell you about it. WTF? I don’t care if you don’t care for cats but you don’t have to make a big immature deal about it. That is just rude. You’re an adult now. Act like it. Are you threatened by the fact that people have cats? Are you threatened by cats? What the crap did a cat ever do to you? Just get away from me.

I hate it when people tell parents with small children, “just wait until she is a teenager. She’ll be HORRIBLE.”  Excuse me? Come over here in the corner and have a nice chat with the Vampire. Just because YOU were a horrible parent doesn’t mean that everyone else will be. And of course some kids have bad days. Some adults have bad days. But please, talk to your kids. I mean from the time they are born until the day you die and it won’t be bad. In fact it will be good. But really, back to the first point… don’t be rude. Don’t be an asshole.

What the crap is up with people who want us all to be Puritans again? Ahhh, they are obsessed with sex or more so what other people are doing in their bedrooms. And why the fuck are they all running for public office? Just mind your own business and wish people happiness in finding love and a sense of family and stability. And don’t tell me that YOU were a virgin when you got married because we all know you weren’t. The Puritans aren’t around anymore because nobody liked them. And nobody will like you if you don’t shut the fuck up. Just keep your thoughts to yourself. Go back to your badger hole.

I HATE people who say “I not into Vampires,” right in my face BEFORE they’ve ever read my blog. They have no idea what this blog is about. Do I tell them to shut the fuck up. No, I just smile politely and leave the boorish person alone with the guy who wants to discuss the relative properties of hydrogen vs helium and how he misses his ex-wife’s big tits. You’ve lost my attention and my respect. You aren’t that special. I listened to your stories and said nice things? Well? And it isn’t just my blog. How many times have you had someone tell you that they don’t like something you do for no reason other than to be rude.

Politics. Nonstop talk about politics. STOP IT. Just shut the fuck up.

 

I could go on until this is one of those literary “long form” blog posts, but I won’t.

I’ll now say a few nice things in a nice bulleted list.

  • I like how people laugh.
  • I like friendly open people, especially when I’m feeling a bit shy.
  • I like people who have open minds.
  • I like that fact that people are warm. That is pretty cool when you’re a Vampire to feel warm skin next to your cold skin. It is kind of like sitting next to the heater vent (your cat can tell you all about that.)
  • I like the way people give back and pay it forward and help others.
  • I like the way people write and tell stories after all these centuries. Seriously they keep coming up with NEW stories. Wow.
  • I like the way some people still have hope.

So thanks for listening. Feel free to add your thoughts on people who aren’t Vampires. And don’t tell me that you put your dog in a box – just don’t.

xoxoxo

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

readbyvampires

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Foxy Mendoza the Earl of Suave

He went by the name Foxy Mendoza but was neither Foxy or had any ethnic background that warranted then sir name Mendoza. The last time I saw him we was going by Mitchell Smyth-Robinson. Just imagine a Vampire in a cheap suit, no, please, don’t do that. Vampires don’t usually wear cheap suits. This time Mitch, excuse me Foxy, was wearing lime green skinny jeans, a tight black tee, a small black pork pie hat and had something that looked like a Yorkshire Terrier growing off of his chin. Gold hoops adorned his ears and he carried a bright red organically grown cotton man-purse. He called it a satchel. It was a man-purse. He still smelled of violet water. You can’t get the Victorian out of this Vampire who is always reinventing himself.

Foxy Mendoza is the epitome of ridiculous but he is also so successful at everything he does. Well, almost everything.

To make matters worse is the fact that I’m stuck with Foxy Mendoza aka Mitchell Smyth-Robinson aka Sonny Valentino aka John Earl… that fact is that I am stuck with this creature of many names is because I am the one who turned him into a Vampire. I cringe each and every time I think of it.

“So where did you get the name Foxy?” I had to ask.

“My flaming red hair of course.”

He is a strawberry blonde at best. I didn’t even ask about the last name Mendoza.

My kids were glad to see their Uncle Mitch. Aside from the strange ungodly hair on his chin they thought his new look was exceptionally cool. They laughed at his new name. Foxy laughed with them. But they still called him Uncle Mitch.

I have to admit that we all have those weird, eccentric, unusual and unique people in our lives. Those qualities are quiet annoying at times but can be quite charming as well. And face it, if you want to be a successful Vampire you have to have at least 3 out of those four qualities.

Yes, I know you’re curious about the circumstances in which I turned Mitch, I mean Foxy, into a Vampire.

It was 1879. We were really young. I was a few months from turning 20. Mitch, known then as John, was 22.  I met him on a boat, at night, in San Francisco Bay. There was no moon, only stars out. Anyway, I’ll write up the entire tale later, but he knew I was a Vampire. We started to talk. At first I wanted to rip out his neck he was so annoying but then he grew on me. He made me laugh. I made him smile. We talked until dawn and then kept talking. No, we were never involved romantically. Oh he could be so annoying that it frustrated me to no end, but there was something about him that was so… I don’t know, because he is SO annoying. But friendship is weird that way. So there you go. On my 20th birthday he was a Vampire and we were still friends.

Friendship is like that. I do need to tell you more about Foxy but then again you might want to tell me “NOOOOOO I can’t take it anymore.” Foxy brings that out in people.

Crap, now I have to figure out how to get him to shave that ridiculous thing off of his chin. What is it with guys and beards? My husband never had a beard and only one of my brothers sports one right now. Val has a neatly trimmed short beard that actually looks good on him. I have to take a break and smile here because Val thinks Mitch/Foxy is the most annoying person in the world and it takes a lot to annoy Val. Just makes me laugh.

And did I mention my friend’s laugh? Maybe it would be better if I didn’t. Think fire trucks and snorts.

Have fun everyone and never make an excuse for your weird and annoying friends. Just think of how boring life would be without them.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

Big Hat

One more bit of news… My first stand-alone collection of short stories is now available (with good reviews) on Amazon.com

Morning at the Vineyard

red heart