Top things I hate about people who aren’t Vampires

Top things I hate about people who aren’t Vampires

Followed by a few things I like about people who aren’t Vampires.

Warning: Strong language, adult situations, offensive to everyone who thinks they are the shit.

People who won’t give you a recipe or leave out ingredients. Get over it. Your cookies, cake, salsa, tuna casserole, fill in the blank aren’t that special. Vampires don’t cook much but when we do we SHARE. That is what you’re supposed to do. Were you raised in a fucking badger hole or what?

Sexist views and general sexism. Men and women are different, but that doesn’t mean one is lesser than the other. So get over it – both men and women.

Humans who put dogs in crates. Unless your name is Schrödinger or you’re going on a trip or to the vet, dogs (and cats) should be allowed to be part of your life, not your prisoner. If your dog is so badly behaved that you have to lock it in a box MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A DOG. Ever think about that? And don’t tell me that dogs feel safe in crates. Visit your local prison to see how it feels.

People who say they don’t like cats and constantly tell you about it. WTF? I don’t care if you don’t care for cats but you don’t have to make a big immature deal about it. That is just rude. You’re an adult now. Act like it. Are you threatened by the fact that people have cats? Are you threatened by cats? What the crap did a cat ever do to you? Just get away from me.

I hate it when people tell parents with small children, “just wait until she is a teenager. She’ll be HORRIBLE.”  Excuse me? Come over here in the corner and have a nice chat with the Vampire. Just because YOU were a horrible parent doesn’t mean that everyone else will be. And of course some kids have bad days. Some adults have bad days. But please, talk to your kids. I mean from the time they are born until the day you die and it won’t be bad. In fact it will be good. But really, back to the first point… don’t be rude. Don’t be an asshole.

What the crap is up with people who want us all to be Puritans again? Ahhh, they are obsessed with sex or more so what other people are doing in their bedrooms. And why the fuck are they all running for public office? Just mind your own business and wish people happiness in finding love and a sense of family and stability. And don’t tell me that YOU were a virgin when you got married because we all know you weren’t. The Puritans aren’t around anymore because nobody liked them. And nobody will like you if you don’t shut the fuck up. Just keep your thoughts to yourself. Go back to your badger hole.

I HATE people who say “I not into Vampires,” right in my face BEFORE they’ve ever read my blog. They have no idea what this blog is about. Do I tell them to shut the fuck up. No, I just smile politely and leave the boorish person alone with the guy who wants to discuss the relative properties of hydrogen vs helium and how he misses his ex-wife’s big tits. You’ve lost my attention and my respect. You aren’t that special. I listened to your stories and said nice things? Well? And it isn’t just my blog. How many times have you had someone tell you that they don’t like something you do for no reason other than to be rude.

Politics. Nonstop talk about politics. STOP IT. Just shut the fuck up.


I could go on until this is one of those literary “long form” blog posts, but I won’t.

I’ll now say a few nice things in a nice bulleted list.

  • I like how people laugh.
  • I like friendly open people, especially when I’m feeling a bit shy.
  • I like people who have open minds.
  • I like that fact that people are warm. That is pretty cool when you’re a Vampire to feel warm skin next to your cold skin. It is kind of like sitting next to the heater vent (your cat can tell you all about that.)
  • I like the way people give back and pay it forward and help others.
  • I like the way people write and tell stories after all these centuries. Seriously they keep coming up with NEW stories. Wow.
  • I like the way some people still have hope.

So thanks for listening. Feel free to add your thoughts on people who aren’t Vampires. And don’t tell me that you put your dog in a box – just don’t.


~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman













Open All Night

When you’re a Vampire, especially a Vampire mom you appreciate places that are open all night. That includes Wally World (Wal-Mart.) Yes, I know I’m supposed to be a wearing black lace and black pearls 24/7 but the reality is that I’m going to be in jeans and a tee-shirt.

One night, close to Halloween, back when my kids were babies I was out at 1:00 am, early for a Vampire but late for everyone else. You always need something when you have small children.

So Garrett (now 17) is an active 3 year old running up and down the aisle singing at the top of his lungs “I wanna be sedated.” Yes, the Ramones. I’m holding baby Clara over one hip. She is laughing and howling like a Banshee.  I have baby spit all over my shoulders. Garrett gets on the ground and starts to roll around, still singing. I’m looking for what I’m looking for.

Then a woman, a stranger I’ve never seen before, walks up to me and says “You need to take parenting classes.”

I looked at her and said “They’re just little children.” And before she could get out another condescending word I showed her my fangs and growled at her. Oh the cold fear that went through her soul. She froze and I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d passed out or peed her pants or barfed. I didn’t wait to find out.

So, Clara and I were back at Wal-Mart to find some bits for a Halloween costume and I remembered I was supposed to bring a treat for the party. And there, like the Holy Grail of Sugar Rushes was a HUGE display of Twinkies.

I don’t eat the things – I’d go into a sugar coma, BUT everybody who isn’t a Vampire loves them.

We giggled all the way through the store (almost as much at the night we almost bought a BB gun).

After a fun Lucy and Ethyl moment we finished our TWEENKIE GHOSTS.

No, I don’t know how they taste and I will never know but I’m sure they’ll be a big hit!


A word from the Vampire Maman on being polite. Don’t be a Troll.

Nobody likes Trolls.

A message, from the parenting blogger – something you might not have learned from your parents.

If you don’t have anything nice to say then just shut the F up.  Just don’t say it – especially if it is to a friend (or someone you want to be your friend.)

You’ve been going to too many hack writing groups where people just trash each other to feel power. That isn’t popular anymore. It is also counter productive for all parties involved. Just cut it out.

Before you comment and say something negative take a deep breath, count to 30,000, come back the next day and say to yourself “Do I really want to say that?” At that point, if you still have something to say you can say it in a reasonable manner or say it in private to the party you don’t agree with rather than putting it out in public for all to see.

You can really hurt your poet, writer, artist, lover, human and all other kinds of friends if you don’t STOP and THINK.

Yes, we all write funny, rude, snarky and nasty stuff but this isn’t what this post is about. So don’t worry to my author friends – I  respect you and your right to say anything you want. But rest assured if I don’t agree with you or think your post is boring I’m not going to tell you. I’m just going to move on and hope I like the next post better.

I’m not saying don’t write or say what you want. I’m all for freedom of speech. If I think you are crude or don’t like your taste in music or books or politics or whatever I’m going to move on – I would never comment on it on YOUR blog or other social media page. If I do then you need to call me out on it (so I won’t do it again.)

Teach this to the kids and the adults in your life.

Why am I posting this? Because in all forms of social media it is easy to barf all over something without thinking that your stink will stay after you left. It is so easy to hurt someone. We drill our teens on this – and we need to keep drilling them on it. But we also need to drill the adults in our lives. I know a lot of authors – seasoned and starting out – and I want them ALL to do well. I want all of us who write and who read to support our community. And when I talk to both the kids and adults in my life they say this is a problem. Nobody likes rudeness. If you don’t agree with someone just walk away – especially if it is a friend.

Don’t go looking for stuff on this blog – you won’t find it. Nobody made a nasty troll like comment here. Thank goodness. I love you all. Thank you for your support. I’ve just seen rude behavior in other places and I don’t like it. I don’t like to see someone go out of their way to post a story or a thought and have someone make a senseless rude remark about it. That is it. Just the mom in me coming out.

This isn’t about “reviews” it is about manners. Of course a lot of the rude people won’t even read this or if they do they won’t understand it.

Don’t be a troll. Just DON’T do it.

Click here for more on rudeness from Vampire Maman.

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

be nice

Teen Tattlers – Just another name for BULLY

Did you know that tattling is just another form of bullying? Yes it is. Write that down. Tattoo it on your arm. Yell if from the roof of the school (but be prepared to get into big trouble when the tattle tells on you).

Most parenting sites are kinder and gentler than I am on this issue. They say the tattletale is to be protected because they are fragile and need the extra attention (they never mention the word brat). I say the young tattles often learn bad behavior from their parents who encourage tattling and gossip. The two go hand in hand.

My kids and their friends come home with tales of tattlers. Wait…I thought kids stopped tattling around age 8. Some don’t. Ugh. One more thing kids have to deal with.

Tattling as a teen shows a sign of immaturity.

Tattling is also is a sign of intolerance.

Tattling is wrong.

I’m not talking of safety issues, such as drug use, guns and or a telling an adult about a teen who might be into self-harm or talking about harming another. I’m talking about the petty back stabbing tattling that a few teens do. These kids have to narc on other kids about everything from chewing gum, to cell phone use, to passing notes in class (because you can’t use your phone), to wearing too much black and other non-issues.

Groups of mean girls (and boys too) will tattle on the same kid over and over and over for any minor thing. They’ll do it until the kid they’ve chosen as their prey ends up frozen like a deer in the headlights afraid to move…just standing still so the bullies can go in for the kill. It happens.

Tattlers are habitual about what they do. They mean to cause harm to others. Tattlers get off by finding fault in others. If they can prove to an adult that another kid is doing something wrong the tattler thinks she has proven herself a better teen. And most are self righteous to a fault about their tattling.

I make it a rule not to talk of religion… but at the high school several well known tattlers use the veil of religion to justify their spiteful behavior. They need the constant affirmation that they, through their piety, are better than the other kids.

This is not reflective of most religious kids. Please make note of that. It just reflects on a few kids my kids go to school with. It might reflect on some kids your kids go to school with.

Since I’m a horrible person I’ve commented that there is a special place in Hell for people like that. The reason I say that is that I see teen tattling as a form of bullying (yes, I’m saying it again) and so is religious intolerance (of kids who are not exactly like them).

I have often explained to my children that faith is not about how one dresses, the music one listens to, what one reads for fun or what one eats. It isn’t how much time one spends in church. To me the message of Jesus was the message of tolerance and acceptance. He accepted people of all faiths, nationalities and I believe, if his original words had been kept, had accepted the equality of men and women. It was about love and taking care of others – and by taking care of others I don’t mean shitting on them by being a tattle.

Anyway, these few kids tattle about everything. What they don’t realize is that once in high school they must put aside their childish ways and learn to:

  • Accept others even if they are different.
  • Learn that the business of others is none of theirs.
  • Keep his or her mouths shut unless someone is in risk of harm.
  • Get attention through positive actions such as playing their guitar at lunch or telling G rated jokes.
  • Be nice for a change.
  • Teachers don’t need the constant annoyance of your tattling. Let teachers TEACH.

A tattle is happy to ruin the life of someone else. They’re happy with half-truths and lies. They’re happy to spout out words and never think of the consequences for others. They don’t think of lasting damage their words might do to others.

Tattling Teens are SO UNCOOL. And nobody wants to be around a tattle.  Teens need to be encouraged by their families, friends and teachers to seek attention in POSITIVE ways – and tattling is not positive in any way shape or form.

I also advise my kids to stay clear of tattlers. Just stay away from them. They’re like skunks – and we all know what skunks do. But if you have a friend who tattles PLEASE tell them that they need to stop and why they need to stop.

As a whole, Vampire teens are raised to be well behaved, accepting and make an effort to support others. They have a good sense of humor, know how to flirt without teasing or hurting, and they know how to make friends and keep them.  It is a matter of survival, because face it, it is easier to get close, and I mean really close, to someone if they like you than if they’re afraid of you. That said, we should all make it our goal to be nice.

I’m glad to say my children are much better people that I ever was (or ever will be but I’m working on it).

So I guess the moral of this story is to be more like a Vampire! Make people want to be near you! Really near.

You can’t always be nice. Believe me, you can’t, or at least I can’t. But it would be great, wouldn’t it?


There is no excuse for rudeness (even to a Vampire or Werewolf)

When a child under the age of 6 or 7 asks a rude question we can brush it off as the innocence of youth. But, when an adult asks rude questions or says rude remarks it just makes them look stupid, insensitive and just plain mean. Not to mention it makes them seem like bad parents.

Their mouths open and rude things just spew out like so much sewage. They have no idea of how them might hurt someone, and how badly it makes them look. On some levels being rude is just another way of being a bully.

I’ve been having this discussion with friends on and off about rude things people ask or say so I’ve made some lists of “What Not to Say ANYTIME”. And don’t be shocked. These are real things we’ve heard people say.

Note: For example purposes all references to a child will be LuLu or Rand. And of course I know none of my regular readers would say rude things like the examples I give below. It is just a list (I like lists. Like to make them. Like to read them.)

Things never to say to people with children:

  • Why do you only have one child? Variations include: You need to have more sex. Only one child? It’s selfish to only have one child.
  • Why don’t you have more kids? Answer: None of your f__ing business.
  • Won’t little Rand get lonely if he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters? Why no, he has a lot of friends.
  • Only children are selfish children. Not true. Go away.
  • Why do you have so many children? Answer: Go away.
  • Which is your favorite? They’re children not flavors. Go away.
  • What is wrong with LuLu? Variations: Do you get money from the state for her? Shouldn’t she be in a facility for kids like her. Yes, people who say things like that SHOULD be shot or at least slapped silly but that is illegal so just tell them “I love my child and I don’t wish to discuss her with you.”
  • Isn’t that ________________ (sport, activity, camp, club, school) expensive? I could never afford THAT. Answer: Just walk away.
  • I’d never let MY child _______________ fill in the blank. Good for you. Now go away.

Things never to say to people who don’t have kids:

  • Why don’t you have kids?
  • Can’t you have children?
  • Why don’t you want kids”
  • Isn’t that selfish?
  • Who will take care of you when you get old?
  • Well I guess if I didn’t have kids I’d be taking vacations to Europe too.
  • All of the above are rude things to say.

Things never to say to your single friends, especially those over 40.

  • Why didn’t you ever get married? Answer: None of your f____ing business.
  • I have someone I want you to meet. He but he hates cats. This is to the friend with 3 cats. The friend who has always had cats. The friend who WILL always have cats.
  • Life isn’t complete without a mate.  Really? That is both rude and wrong on so many levels.
  • I wish you’d find someone. Answer: Well so do I, so why are you rubbing it in?
  • Are you gay? Honest to God I can’t tell you how many single people I know who have been asked this question. There is nothing wrong with being gay or single. There are gay single people. Gay married people. Gay dating people. Get over it.

Things Never to say to Cat Owners:

  • I hate cats. OK this is the story. The cat is sitting in the front yard watching bugs. Then the cat goes inside and eats, Then rubs up against my leg. What is there to hate? And why do you feel compelled to say you hate MY CAT? I’m not asking you to take it home with you. Go away. You can also exchange cat with dog, horse, rabbit, parrot, fish, husband – some people are just RUDE.

Things never to say to someone on a romantic date:

  • My sister is coming with us. This usually translates to “my sister who is nuts and talks non-stop and is so weird that if you look up weird in the dictionary her photo will be there.
  • Have you ever thought of doing something about your thinning hair? Who told you this is a sure fire way to get a guy into the mood? There is nothing wrong with thinning hair on men. It is natural. It happens. Get over it.
  • You’d be perfect if you lost about 10 pounds. And you’re sleeping alone tonight Mr. Romance!
  • Anything about your ex. That includes ex wives, ex girlfriends, ex husbands, ex boyfriends, ex lovers of any kind. Don’t talk about how badly your kids are doing either. That is also a sure fire turn off.  And don’t use the excuse of being “honest”. That doesn’t fly.  It is RUDE to  do an emotional dump on someone who wanted to spend the evening with YOU and NOT everyone who has ever done you wrong.

Things Never to Say to a WORKING MOM:

  • I stay home with my kids because they need me.
  • I get to volunteer at the school 3 days a week so I’ll know what my child is doing.
  • Before you know it they’ll be grown and you’ll have missed out on everything.
  • I always go to my 10:00 work-out class when the kids are at school.
  • All of the above is just rude. Period.

Things Never to say to a Stay-At-Home Mom

  • Why don’t you have a job?
  • Don’t you get bored?
  • Don’t you wish you had your own money?
  • You don’t work so why don’t you have time to go to the gym?
  • You’ve wasted your college education.
  • All of the above is just rude. Period.

Things Never to say to a child that isn’t yours?

  • How much money does your dad make?
  • Who did your parents vote for?
  • What are your grades?
  • Do your parents spend a lot of money on ____________________?
  • It seems like there are a lot of people who try to find out financial information about people they know through the children.  And tell your kids not to answer any questions about money or other private family matters.

Things never to say to a Vampire:

  • Why aren’t you wearing black?
  • Show me your fangs?
  • Do you sleep in a coffin?
  • Aren’t you worried about eternal damnation?

Things to never say to a Werewolf?

  • Do you eat people?
  • Do you have fleas?
  • When you take a bath do you smell like a wet dog?
  • I’m allergic to dogs.