Vampire Diary: Connections

Dear Diary,

The cat and her kitten refuse to be quiet, except when they sleep. Then it is as if they are dead. I can hear the low rumblings of their purring. They know I am writing about them. They are sly creatures.

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

Last night was a complete success then it was strange.

I go to the local club and women come to me. They are forward and fresh. No fear. No males watching over them. They do what they want.

My blood almost ran warm after spending time with them. I was full – enough for an entire week. Their blood is healthy and so much better that what it was like so long ago when I ruled the land of Vampires.

Sitting at the bar, finishing a glass of wine, a beautiful dark haired woman sat next to me.

“Come with me,” the woman whispered in my ear. Her hand was on my wrist, hot through the sleeve of my shirt. She moved her hand up to mine and pulled me up. The palm of her hand was unusually rough.

I looked into her brown eyes and saw a flash of gold, then her eyes darkened to almost black.

“Werewolf,” I whispered under my breath. She caught me off guard. That is not like me to do that. “I am not going with you.”

Then she said something so strange that it threw me completely. “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

I asked her what she meant by that.

She said, “Monty Python.”

“I cannot recall snakes being involved during the Spanish Inquisition except in reference to…”

She put her rough finger to my lips obviously to keep me from speaking. Then she kissed me. I stepped back. She was beautiful but a Werewolf. I do  not even want a dog licking my hand, much less being kissed on the mouth by a Werewolf. She put her hands on her hips and smiled.

“You know Vlad,” she said, “you’re cute but you’re kind of dense.”

I do not understand what she means by that.

How did she know my name?

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

I thought about the Spanish Inquisition. I was not in Spain at the time. Elsewhere friends were burned to death. Others vanished into the darkness, never to be seen again.

The world still is not a better place.

The cats crawl on my lap. They curl up contented. They relax as if their bones vanish.

Gillian comes over. Her hands are soft. Her lips are cool and comforting.

“Do you remember Gillian? Do you remember when we were young?”

She brushed her fingers through my hair. “It was horrible. We need to live now and forget the transgressions of days past.”

Gillian never calls me cute. That is why I love her in the depth of my cold unbeating heart.

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

When I take photographs with my magic box telephone with the apple on it the sunrise is red, but the sunset fades to pink. I see it as red, but it will not stay red once it is inside of the box. That is confusing. Telecommunications are confusing as a rule. Photographs are confusing. Everything is confusing.

I walk by the mirror and Gillian catches my hand. We stand in front of the glass, her front to my back, her arms around me, her face looking over my shoulder. We look in the mirror, eye to eye. My blue eyes on her brown eyes – locked together, our reflection clear and true.

“I understand the world when I am with you,” I said to her.

No truer words have ever been spoken.

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

In attempt to find out what this Monty Python is I watched a film about King Author.

In an attempt to understand I then watched a Marx Brothers film called Coconuts.

I thought there would be a connection. I went to the Internet to try to understand more about connections. One name kept coming up.

I watched a film called Footloose. 

I read more. It was the man named Kevin and bacon. I still do not understand.

Then I watched a film about an old man with a flying house and a broken heart. A boy had a bird. The bird was called Kevin.

I looked out the window and saw a teenage girl. She lives next door. Her name is Chloe. I asked her about bacon.

She smiled and ran in her house. She came back with a book.

I read the book. For some reason it all made sense. It was called Charlotte’s Web. 

Finally something makes sense.

~ Vlad

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Dear Diary,

Tonight the moon is a perfect half.

I heard the howling of coyotes.

Gillian hissed under her breath and said, “bitch.” I could see her fangs in the candle light. She looked so beautiful.

I smiled. This is love. I do not understand but I like it. I love it.

~ Vlad

 

Savory Vampire Cocktails – or – You Can Have Your Bacon and Drink It Too!

When the weather cools down our entertaining schedule picks up. That means Teddy (my fabulous, handsome, witty and delightful husband) is making his more savory cocktails.

By savory I mean nothing too sweet and specifically drinks with a little meat in them (and blood of course for the Vampire versions.) Some are based on beef broth and others are infused with bacon.

Also, don’t forget to cook with booze. It gives taste and tenderizes food. Plus (for those of you who don’t drink) the alcohol cooks off. Adding a beer to your slow cooker chili will make it fantastic but you won’t get drunk off of it.

 

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Forget the fruit and the fluff.

We’re going for the hard stuff.

 

That’s No Bull Shot

  • 2 ounces vodka
  • 2 oz blood
  • 1/4 fresh squeezed lemon juice
  • 1/2-cup of cold beef concentrate
  • 2-6 dashes of Tabasco or other hot sauce to taste
  • A dash of ground pepper
  • A dash of cayenne pepper
  • A dash of kosher salt

Instructions:

Shake all ingredients in a shaker with liberal amounts of ice. Garnish with a slice of lemon.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

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Bloody Bovine

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 4 oz of V8 or Trader Joe’s Vegetable Cocktail Juice
  • 4 oz chilled beef concentrate
  • 4 oz blood
  • 1 tsp of peeled and finely grated fresh horseradish (If you don’t have fresh use the kind in the jar. Don’t use the cream horse radish sauce because it will be disgusting.)
  • A pinch celery salt
  • 2 dashes of Worcestershire sauce
  • 3 dashes of Tabasco Sauce or more to taste
  • A liberal sprinkle of ground pepper
  • 1/4 oz fresh lemon juice (just squeeze in a few wedges)
  • And a big green olive or two. Try a blue cheese stuffed one.

Instructions:

Combine everything over ice in a big glass (or two if you want to share). Stir. Ganish with a long piece of fresh red bell pepper.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

Now Let’s Talk BACON

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It’s all about the bacon. And the news is good.

You can now have your bacon and drink it too.

 

How to make Bacon Washed Booze.

 

You can add bacon flavor to vodka, whiskey or broubon. And it is easy. AND best of all you’ll get to eat the bacon.

This is fantastic in a Bloody Ceasar or Bloody Mary.

 

Bacon Washed Booze

Ingredients:

  • 1 pound good quality bacon
  • 26 ounces vodka, whiskey or bourbon (some people like to use rum too. I say go for it.)
  • 2 quart Mason jars
  • Fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and funnel
  1. Fry up your bacon on low heat until nicely crisp but not charred. You don’t want to burn it. Pour fat from the pan into a heat-safe bowl (like a Pyrex bowl).
  2. Remove bacon strips and put them on a plate that’s covered with a paper towel. Let stand for five minutes.
  3. Pour alcohol of your choice into a large mason jar.
  4. When the bacon has cooled slightly, add strips into the Mason jar with the alcohol. Pour bacon fat into the jar as well. Let jar stand at room temperature for four hours and stir mixture every hour. Remove the bacon strips (but not the fat)
  5. Put the jar into the freezer overnight. The fat will solidify and rise to the top, scrape as much fat out of the jar as possible.
  6. Using a fine-mesh strainer pour vodka from one jar to a new empty mason jar. The strainer should catch lots of bacon fat and other stuff.
  7. Wash the original jar used and train the bacon infused alcohol one more time into the now clean and empty Mason jar. Enjoy.

 

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Make a dry Bacon Martini and garnish with a strip of bacon. Or try a Smokey Vampire. Yum.

 The Smokey Vampire

  • 2 oz. Bacon Infused Bourbon (or Whiskey)
  • 1/4 oz. maple syrup
  • 2 dashes Angostura bitters
  • Orange juice (just a bit)
  • Blood (just a bit)

In mixing glass, stir 2 ounces bacon-infused bourbon, maple syrup, and bitters with ice. Strain into chilled rocks glass filled with ice. Garnish with bacon and if you want add a splash of orange juice and blood.

Note: If you’re not a Vampire leave out the blood.

 

You gotta love a drinking chimp.

You gotta love a drinking chimp.

 

A word of caution: You can use the bacon booze for just about anything but Teddy advises NOT mixing it with tonic water. Nasty nasty nasty. Save your tonic water for your good gin without the bacon.

 

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Party on Vampires but REMEMBER don’t drink and drive.

Elections and parenting and cats and stupid people and especially stupid Vampires are enough to drive anyone to drink – BUT don’t. Drink to enjoy the flavors and relax and never too much. And of course, never drink and drive (or ride a horse or bicycle while drinking and never drink while rollerskating.) Really, don’t drink and drive. It isn’t worth it.

 

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I just added this one for kicks and grins. You know, the whole Blood and Sand thing. All girls (and some boys) love Valentino, who might… or might not be a Vampire now.

So welcome in the cooler weather (except for my friends in the Southern Hemisphere then have a great summer) with open arms. Don’t bring in the holidays with stress but with a quiet joy. Let go of the crap and start some new traditions. If you don’t like someone don’t spend the holidays with them – give that to yourself as a gift you always wanted.

So cheers! Teddy and I will be bringing you more holiday fun for Thanksgiving, including wine and food and Vampire fun.

xoxoxox

~ Juliette aka Vampire Maman

 

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